I know the odds of winning the $500 million jackpot in this Friday night's Mega Millions lottery are longer than Milton Berle's garden hose, something like 176-million-to-one. But I've been reading about the even more remote prospect that Social Security will provide any real money for my retirement, and 176-million-to-one...

"The past two years were about pulling our economy back from the brink," President Obama said on Friday. "The next two years, our job now, is putting our economy into overdrive."

Yep, it's gonna be all about bringing back the kind honest jobs that made America great. Wow, he...

TO: Ben Roethlisberger of the Pittsburgh Steelers

It is with much regret that I hereby suspend you for six games for violating the league's personal conduct policy. The record shows that your behavior contributed to the irresponsible consumption of alcohol by college students. Although the league has no...

There have been 44 Presidents in U.S. history, and on February 7, 2010, the 44th Super Bowl game will be played. Finally, America's greatest institutions will be all even.

But which have been better? Our Super Bowl games? Or our Presidents? Finally, with my crazy new project...

Only the elite-of-the-elite athletes have formed personal logos out of their initials. But what does a sports star's unique monogram say about him? Let's go to the pictures. All the logos here are authentic.

1. Roger Federer. When they ask Roger if he wants to sell a line of women's...

It's hard for me to imagine the complete state of shock that gripped the nation -- really the whole world -- when President Kennedy was assassinated 45 years ago today, on November 22, 1963, and then assassin Lee Harvey Oswald was slain two days later on national television. I was...

As a public service, here is our newly updated list of the remaining things that haven't happened yet:

African-American elected president of United States
Joe DiMaggio's consecutive-game hit record broken
Peace in Middle East
World oil supply runs out
Bin Laden captured
...

More...

Sure, TV comedy writers should be paid what they deserve, for all the ways their work is used on the Internet and in other new media. In a perfect world, robotic online replacements like this for cranking out late-night TV talk show monologues might not be necessary. But as long...

It does not surprise me that Argentina finally elected a female president. Argentina is the country with the most girly name. It's a lovely name. Meet my niece, Argentina. I think Argentina is the most feminine of country names, followed by India, Jamaica, Georgia, China,...