The Mommy Wars and Picky Eaters

Just the other day, I ran into an old friend of a friend. We had fun catching up, her daughter is best friends with one of my daughters' new friends; lovely chance meeting; she lives out of town now.

As we got to talking about what we have been doing and she described her new business to me, which is developing a food that is nutrient rich for kids, she could see my face and she said: "Oh, do you not believe in the deception?"

I laughed at how direct she was about this topic. Is it possible that the Mom world divides itself into the ones who believe in sneaking veggies and fruits into deceptively yummy food so that they don't have to worry that their kids are eating enough, vs. the Moms who let it go, and have some trust or want to be more 'up front' with their kids?

As most of you can tell by know, I obviously fall into the latter camp. However, I can really understand how relieving it is, to be able to feed your child and know that they are truly getting the nutrients that they need. Especially if they are very picky eaters.

You get to avoid the judgment from the grandparents. From the other parents of 'adventurous' eaters who are so proud of their kids who will eat everything. Who also imply that your kids can't possibly be as 'healthy' if they eat just three things?

Ah, was there ever a time when parenting was not a career, and when we did not compete covertly for the Mother of the Year award via how well our children were eating, sleeping, socializing, doing in school? Or when Moms worried much less about all of these things?

It is painful to think how closely we evaluate our 'being a good mom' with how our children are doing, or how well they are eating.

Now don't get me wrong. I of course believe that we have to keep our kids safe, and provide them with safe guidelines and good habits. But I think we also need to look at ourselves here, and be able to separate out our own anxiety and feelings about our performance as parent, vs. the needs of our children.

If they are healthy and thriving, is it possible that they don't really need all that variety of food? Is it possible that toddlers don't even need veggies, and fruit provides them with the nutrients they would get from veggies? (Yes, from nutritionists.)

Is it possible that we need to look at our own anxiety and really see the needs of our kids separate from our needs?

Yes, yes and yes. So perhaps in fact, it is important to give our kids something to eat that has it all in there, and we can breathe a sigh of relief. Not because our kids even need it necessarily, (in some rare cases of course, they do), but that our kids need us to chill.

They need a less anxious Mommy, as one nutritionist said to me when I was doing research for my book, and that is why she prescribes multivitamins for kids. That is important. We need to challenge ourselves to question our worries. What is it about? Can we be good mothers while letting our kids eat crap?

I say yes. Teaching kids to eat crap moderately and know how to eat and what to eat and what it does for their bodies, related to the things they love, so that they are motivated to take good care of themselves, is vital I say.

Let's give our kids decision making skills when it comes to food, let's give them some benefit of the doubt, so that they can learn.

Let's figure out how to separate our own concerns and worries, from what truly is bad for our children. Let's try to keep our egos out of the picture, at the same time as we know we all have egos very much attached to how good a job we think we are doing as a Mom. We of course, all want the best for our children. That goes without saying, but is worth questioning what that thing is.

All that being said, we still are the parents and each parent has the right to do what they are comfortable with. It all comes out in the wash anyway probably! All of the things that seem so important and precious when they are young, seem laughable when we look back. The things we worried about. Like someone said when I was fretting during toilet training: "They won't go to college wearing diapers, I promise you!"

She was right. So, regarding those picky eaters, if they are truly thriving, don't think that means they are destined to a life without good food. You never know what the future will bring. Their palate may or may not expand, but they probably will thrive regardless.

But most importantly, whatever you choose, you are being a great Mom. Trust your own instincts and judgment. Best of all, you do get to do what you want! After all: Kids aren't dumb, they know they shouldn't be in charge: You are!"

Happy parenting.

Comments

[Jude2004]

It turns out that I, the picky eater, was merely responding to my food allergies. At this moment, I've only found two foods that don't make me feel worse after I eat them--radishes and unleavened bread (e.g., crackers). The rest of it might a) make my throat itch or b) make my stomach hurt or c) make me so ill that I have to lie down for awhile. I eat things I like that make me feel horrible afterwards. I didn't tune into this for years, but I find some peace in purchasing radishes and eating as many as I like without feeling worse instead of better. In other words, maybe your kid is picky because they have a mild food allergy to whatever it is you're trying to foist on them. Leave 'em alone.

[pdbim]

Speaking as the mother of a picky eater with a family who can't help but comment on it....my take is that even if he grows up and eats nothing but macaroni n cheese, if he's happy, healthy and contributes positively to the world around him, who cares? I refuse to get in "food fights"...

[kochleffel]

What gets to me is the TV ad for Pediasure - the one with the triumphantly whiny little girl who doesn't LIKE broccoli, doesn't LIKE chicken, doesn't think she LIKES waffles, but grins from ear to ear as she slurps up the Pediasure. I'd like to sic "Supernanny" on her.