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My 24-Hour New Year's Resolution

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The start of a new year is a favorite time of mine, because I love new beginnings. My poor eating habits are allowed to carry through New Year's Day, but 24 hours later I launch my "new" life.

On January 2nd, I will get up at 6:00 a.m. instead of my usual 7:45 a.m. and do yoga for an hour. I will go to work and avoid social media as I focus on my blogs and book.

Coffee from Starbucks will be replaced with eight to 10 glasses of water. I will walk for an hour at lunch.

Barnes and Noble will be my destination as I buy a journal and resolve to write in it every single day. I will buy a Brita pitcher and commit to no more plastic bottles. I will call my Jenny Craig consultant and apologize for the time I told her I was sick of the food and would never return and beg her to take my sorry ass back as a client.

I will record all of the birthday dates of my family members in my calendar, and stockpile cards so that I am ready to send them out on time.

Once home, I will get rid of all of my junk food. I will throw the sour cream and onion potato chips in the trash with flourish. I will throw my fat clothes in the cedar chest. I will find a recipe for the dark green vegetable drinks that healthy people always seem to be sucking down and pull out my blender that is covered in cobwebs.

Every book on how to be successful will be on my nightstand. I own approximately 214 of those books, but will buy at least five more.

At the end of the day on January 2nd, I will write in my new leather journal with the owl on the front about how proud I am of my accomplishments. I will decide to blog about my profound success so that others can live the life that I have lived on that very day.

I will set my alarm for 5:45 a.m. and lay out my yoga outfit. I will pre-position my lime green yoga mat in front of the television so I will be prepared.

On January 3rd, my alarm will go off at 5:45 a.m. I will lay in my bed and think, "Do I really need to do yoga every single day? That's not even good for my body. I need to give my muscles some rest to avoid lactic acid build up." And I will wake up at 7:45 a.m., slightly ashamed.

I will arrive at work and get my first bottle of water. Then I will remember how I lost work time peeing every 15 minutes on January 2nd. My Jenny Craig consultant will call because I missed the morning appointment. I'll tell her that I will reschedule once I get back from being "out of town."

I will put my bottle of water back in the refrigerator and go to Starbucks for just one coffee, because I remembered the article that argued coffee is actually good for you. Not sure about the rest of my Peppermint Mocha Frappucino ingredients, but because it's from Starbucks, I will categorize it as coffee.

Once I get to work, I will begin writing. After 20 minutes, I will crave some interaction. Perhaps, if I just pop over to Facebook, I could see some cute puppy or kitten pictures. Approximately 30 minutes later I am on YouTube watching an owl and elephant that are best friends. It will be sprinkling outside, so I will cancel my walk.

Once home, I will find the trash bag into which I threw all of my junk food. I might pull out one unopened bag of chips, because who really wants to waste food in a world where people are starving? I will see the blender ready for my green drink but will decide I'm just going to rest for a while.

My Brita pitcher will be empty, so rather than waiting for it to fill back up I will grab a plastic bottle of water. My Brita will not see the light of day for another year.

I will put away the birthday cards in a special place that will suck them in like a Hoover never to be found again. I will forget most of the birthdays even when they are on my calendar in glaring red letters. My family members will not be surprised when they get my call two days after their birthday with some humorous quip.

I will continue to read the books on success while sitting in my fat clothes that I've already retrieved from the cedar chest. I will let go of my potato chip long enough to highlight a particularly good idea.

My plan for the 2014 will be developed based upon those good ideas.

January 2nd is my homage to all of the healthy, athletic people. I salute you, and for a moment, I am one with you.

But one day is apparently enough for me. Perhaps I am programmed for a greater mediocrity. Perhaps just the thought of doing it is enough for me.