08/10/2006 01:29 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

I Need Some Hair Gel and Bottled Water

I went to the airport today in San Francisco because I had run out of a few toiletries.

What the heck happened to all those tubes of toothpaste and bottles of wine and packets of lip gloss and vials of perfume that George Bush's government has now outlawed?

They are all sitting at the airport. All alone. Abandoned by their owners. In big, huge piles.

It's like an animal shelter for abandoned personal effects. Go pick out one you want. Take it home.

Just don't fly with it.

That's George Bush's anti-terror plan, hastily cobbled together and posted on xeroxed sheets at all our friendly sky airports this morning.

What good does banning that stuff do now? The bad guys know they've been outed. So they're not going to try and sneak the stuff on the plane. They're evil, but not stoopid.

25-year old terrorist wearing cadmium red and some Chanel #5. How hard are they to miss, Mr. Rumsfeld?

It's just those girls from the Valley with their vitamin water and the women from the beauty parlor who are going to be persecuted by Cheney's non-unionized TSA airport brigade.

My Southern mother never went without lipstick in public. I simply can't fathom what all her peers are doing today in Atlanta and Raleigh and Charleston. "Get on the plane or don't get on the plane?"

In any case, should you have forgotten something while packing for your stay in the Bay Area, stop by. I'll set you up.