04/26/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Cougars Demand Fair Representation in Olympics

Cougars: they're the hardest-working malcontents in the business. They're all about the games -- and those rings, for that matter -- yet they wonder, when it comes to Olympics representation, where is the love?

For the fastest-growing population in the U.S. -- and the most feared -- Cougars have been nonplussed with what they say they is a direct slight to them during these Games - hobbling any chance of hooking up with Apollo Anton Ohno and determining for themselves if those quad muscles are as mythic as they look on TV. They feel awfully marginalized in Vancouver - and as scores of relocated 20-something men can attest -- no one wants to see a Cougar displeased.

As such, they've formed an alliance: SLUTS -- Single Ladies Underrepresented from Torino to Sasquatchewan. These gals valiantly nail so many defenseless men flawlessly, but when it comes to holding onto love, they're still amateurs of the game. Yet considering the unflattering spandex, the proximity to Shaun White, and general the thrill of competition, the Olympics are a natural habitat for the ladies in perpetual heat.

In fact, the only ones who really need to be on high alert are the women's figure skaters with lax security detail, or as a typical Cougar would say, "Delicate flowers, my ass!"

Having launched an impassioned campaign for recognition, the lovelorn ladies demand their rightful turn in the following events that play to their unique strengths. (Much to their chagrin, "hunting and skinning" has been banned by Canada out of respect for the Native American populations.)

The 10 proposed events:
The Super-G Spot: I know it's there somewhere, and when I do find it, holy Evan Lysacek!
Luging Your Self-Respect: When he and his court-appointed lawyer say no, they probably mean it
Tonsil Hockey: The seasoned Americans edge out the Canucks every time
Love Life on Thin Ice: The women examine how they're short-tracking their way to spinsterhood
Speed Dating on Skates: How to chase after elusive men on blades
Team Sprint: The ladies descend en masse to the cubs' playhouse
Aerials: How to stalk your prey from on high
Curling: How to bench-press the small and attainable ones
Skeleton: Does getting skinny get - and keep - the guys?
Round-Robin: Can we do this soon? I have a nail appointment at 3

Their final plea: "Because a Cougar's work at the Olympics isn't done until some Slavic downhill qualifier whispers in her ear apres ski how her tits taste like red caviar." And with events like these, the cougars are as good as gold! They want rings, they'll get 'em!

Caution, Shaun White: gird your loins!

Subscribe to the Entertainment email.
Home to your favorite fan theories and the best movie recs.