"The Panic Years Push-Up"

If you're a single woman pushing 30 and it's almost pushing wedding season, it can only mean one thing: you're in need of a little pick-me-up.

Luckily, that's where the matrimonial miracle bra comes in: a push-up bra guaranteed to elevate your assets and chances at reaching the altar all at once. A bra manufacturer gravely concerned about the Japanese singles' crisis has taken matters into their own, um, hands, in creating the Konkatsu bra (loosely translated as desperate marketing gimmick designed to exploit single women more in need of a strait jacket than they are this wonder bra). Triumph International execs just couldn't sleep at night knowing lovelorn Japanese women's fun bags were missing all the fun, so they engineered a bra with ever-so-subtle reminders that it's time to make the marriage thing happen -- like strapping on a ticking clock that plays "The Wedding March." See -- subtle, yet effective! The konkatsu bra: for women who don't want to take their singleness lying down any more.

A tricked-out "husband-hunting" bra fashioned to trick some guy into marrying you? Hmm... I'll take two in a 34C, please! OK, who are we kidding? If I had a perfect pair of 34Cs, I wouldn't be in the Panic Years http://www.thepanicyears.compredicament to begin with...

So if this bra is truly guaranteed to make your mammaries more marriageable than they already are, by all means -- any boost can't hurt! Unfortunately, marital bliss may have to be put on hold that much longer: the konkatsu bra isn't on the market, essentially letting the air out of every single girl's knockers and deflating her every hope and dream of happiness after all.

Guess we'll have to go back to the "Bridal Belt" -- the corset-like device designed to minimize any "waist" of time to meeting our betrothed. Catch you ladies during the bouquet toss, if I don't catch you at the loony bin first!

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