12/30/2011 05:01 pm ET Updated Feb 29, 2012

If I Were a Republican This Coming Election Year ...

If I were a Republican this coming election year ...

I would vote for Rick Santorum because of his views on gays and lesbians and gay marriage, his promise to reinstate "don't ask, don't tell" and his stance on singling out Muslims for extra screening at airports.

I would vote for Ron Paul for wanting to eliminate almost all of government, income taxes, the IRS and for declaring MEDICARE, Social Security, Medicaid, etc. unconstitutional. Plus, I kind of like his newsletters.

I would vote for Bachmann for her renowned knowledge of the Constitution, her familiarity with our Founding Fathers, her interpretation of the history of slavery, and for her commitment to the integration of Church and State. Most important, because she and her First Gentleman would set up a gay conversion therapy clinic in the West Wing of their new home immediately after inauguration.

I would vote for Rick Perry for his stand on abortion, even in the case of rape and incest, and for promising to eliminate three federal agencies when he gets "there": Commerce. Education and ... Ooops!

I would vote for Gingrich for his willingness to ignore the Supreme Court; for planning to haul "activist" judges to the White House and waterboard them until they cry "uncle" -- or "Mr. Speaker"; for his views on child labor and for his newfound faith in marriage and family values. (Added bonus: Unlike other candidates who only have one or two skeletons in their closets, Gingrich "has a whole graveyard in there.")

I would vote for Huntsman because... Oh, well, I honestly don't know why.

I could have voted for Cain because of his foreign policy expertise, for wanting to electrify our fence along the Mexico border, but especially for his commitment to the sanctity of marriage and his way with 9s.

I really would have voted for Palin because you would never catch her palling around with terrorists -- as that evil Barack Hussein Obama regularly does -- and because she is a real American and would "take our country back" from ... ?

I could still vote for The Donald -- should he unselfishly decide to answer the call to save America -- because of his humility, his China syndrome and, most important, because of his relentless and dedicated service to the cause of "birtherism." (I also love the touch of class his coif would bring to the White House.)

There is one candidate, however, for whom I would not vote. He is too moderate and, above all, who would want a president named Willard Mitt?

Alas, there is not a single GOP candidate who exudes all these commendable qualities, so I guess I'll just have to wait until the right candidate comes along. Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh where are ye now?

CODA: So glad I don't have to make a selection from such an august slate ...