04/19/2011 06:42 pm ET | Updated Jun 19, 2011

Some Thoughts on the Donald's Next Letter to the Editor

After New York Times columnist Gail Collins wrote a blistering yet candid column in the Times mocking Donald Trump's presidential aspirations and debunking the tenets of his sudden "birther" epiphany, Trump immediately fired back a letter to the Times lashing out at Collins -- insulting the lady.

Trump's rambling letter broke just about every one of the Times' rules on letters to the editor -- length, decorum and especially the one about letter writers being "entitled to their own opinions, but not to their own facts."

Still, I am glad that the Times decided to publish Trump's letter, because, as I said in my own much shorter, much more to the point, much more decorous and much more factual letter to the editor:

... I believe that America owes The Times a big debt. Because of the publication of this would-be president's tirade, America can now clearly see this man's petty, thin-skinned and self-aggrandizing nature.

Mr. Trump's irascible embrace of the widely discredited and condemned "birther" movement so early in the presidential campaign has become his own sword of Damocles -- one that will eventually shatter his presidential ambitions.

Last Friday, another lady columnist, this time at the Washington Post, wrote another frank, albeit less blistering column about Donald Trump, about his presidential ambitions and, yes, "about that birther thing."

Kathleen Parker -- a commonsense conservative -- makes some healthy fun of The Donald, pulls his leg about his "coif," his fame, his wealth and of course his bombastic and boastful nature:

"... a provocateur with money to put where his mouth is. He knows what he knows, and we can take it or leave it. The Donald doesn't care. In a poll-driven punditocracy, the mind spoken so freely offers a tonic to toxicity."

But then Parker turns serious, "About that birther thing":

Trump entered the presidential fray with the headline-snatching pronouncement that Obama should produce proof of his birth on U.S. turf. This same ol' same ol' nonsense, which has been amply resolved by nonpartisan entities, nonetheless received the requisite attention.

Trying to convince birthers that Obama is a legitimate citizen rather than a closet jihadist is like trying to convince a terrified child that there's no monster under the bed. No amount of reasoning will do, though there is one bit of logic that seems to have escaped mention and that ought to provide relief to the most-fevered minds.

Parker suggests that "if there were even one iota of evidence suggesting that Obama was not born in this country, does anyone really think that Hillary Clinton wouldn't have raised it during the campaign? Really?"

The Clintons don't just have people; they have armadas of political machinery. If Obama were born anywhere but where he says he was born, we'd all be saying, "Madame President" and "Bill's Bubbalicious Barbecue Sauce" would be nudging Paul Newman's marinara off grocery store shelves.

After a few more barbs at the "the ravings of madmen, self-promoters and false prophets" (it is not clear whether she classifies The Donald as one of these), Parker wonders whether Trump's rant "is mere stunt."

We may never know this. However, we should soon know whether Trump has fired off a letter to the editor of the Washington Post. If he hasn't yet, I would suggest that he keep it short, sweet, and to the point -- like my letter.

Something like this:

To the Editor:

Re "The Donald: The GOP plays a crazy Trump card," April 15

Unlike the nasty, derogatory column that talentless woman at the Times wrote about me, Ms. Parker's column was spot on, especially that part about me being tall and rich and sporting a coif that defies party identification. She is also correct in pointing out how one can hardly walk a block in the city I built -- with all the newspapers I saved, all the shows I produce and all the books I wrote -- without stumbling into an edifice bearing my name. The "He towers over all others on the Monopoly game board," was also a nice touch.

Now, about "that birther thing." It's just much-to-do-about-nothing. As Ms. Parker points out, this whole birther thing is just a stunt. Paraphrasing her: In the age of my celebrity, it doesn't matter what people are saying about me as long as they're talking about me -- with the exception, of course, of that nasty woman over at the Times.

The Magnificent Donald

But, what am I doing, telling a man "who has written many bestsellers" how to write a simple letter?