A Mother and her Republican at the Olive Garden

07/27/2010 10:20 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Waiter: Hi, welcome to Olive Garden. How many parties?

Mother: Two. We're going to order together and engage in a cooperative dialogue.

Waiter: Excellent. Right this way.

Mother and Republican sit at a table. Republican shifts anxiously, pulling on the tablecloth.

Mother: Honey, can you sit still like a big boy while we're at the fancy restaurant? We need to order something.

Republican: No.

Mother: Hey, the Climate Change Marinara looks good huh? Let's try that.

Republican: No!

Mother: Okay, Okay. I know you don't believe in Climate Change. What if I picked out all the Climate Change on your plate, leaving you a nice healthy, comprehensive Energy Policy Fettuccini?

Republican: No. No. No.

Mother: How about the Closing-Down-Guantanamo-Bay Parmesan?

Republican: NO!

Mother: Shut-Down-Unsafe-Coal-Mines Salad? Lots of people like that one.

Republican: NO!

Mother: Are you saying 'no' to everything just because I'm suggesting it?

Republican: (whining) Noooooo.

Mother: Do you want to embarrass me in the nice restaurant, so I'm not allowed back in?

Republican: You're racist to white people!

Mother: What? That doesn't even make any--

Waiter: Ma'am, would you mind calming down your Republican? The noise is bothering the other customers.

Mother: I'm so sorry.

The Waiter leaves

Republican: I hate it here!

Mother: We need to order something, dear, or else we'll starve.

Republican: I hate everything you want!

Mother: Well, honey, what do you want?

Republican: (sniffling) R-R-Reagan.

Mother: Honey, we've been over this; Reagan doesn't live with us anymore. What else do you want?

Republican: Balanced Budget.

Mother: We're in a recession; they don't have that on the menu right now -- unless you want to lay-off your schoolteacher and policeman friends.

Republican: NOOOOOOO!


Mother: Honey, please stop filibustering. That's not helping; you're only going to make yourself sick.

Republican continues to hold his breath. His face is TURNING BLUE.

Waiter: Ma'am we also have a Republican menu. Would you like one?

Mother: Yes, yes, anything to eat.

Waiter: Very good.

Waiter hands Mother a small menu. The title reads "JUST 4 REPUBLICANZ." Underneath is a cartoon of an elephant with Sarah Palin balancing on its trunk.

Mother: (buries face in hands) Okay. I'm reading from the Republican Menu. How about Financial-Reform-Nuggets? You love Financial Reform Nuggets.

Republican: (releasing breath) Fine.

Mother: Thank God.

Republican: But I wanna tell 'em how to cook the nuggets.

Mother: You never let me do that...

Republican: N-

Mother: Fine. If you relax and be a good boy, I'll set up a Bipartisan Supervisory Panel that will oversee and discuss how to cook the Financial-Reform-Nuggets.

Republican: NOOOOOOOOO!

Mother: But that's fair. Most Executive Mothers don't even listen to Other Party Children at all. Most Executive Mothers hit them. They hit them hard.


Mother: Stop it. Stop filibustering!


European Mother: Excuse me, but could you tell your Republican to shut up? We're trying to enjoy our dinner.

Mother: I'm sorry...he's usually not like this. We used to discuss our options civilly and based on merit.

European Mother: Do you want me to hit him?

Mother: No that's okay...(sighs). I'll handle it.

European Mother leaves.

Mother: Honey, you're filling up on Anti-Gay Marriage Breadsticks. If you don't help me order something substantial, we're both going to starve.

Republican: Where's Obama's birth certificate?

Mother: That's not helping. Hey, I know what you'd like: some Reduced-Medicaid-Spending-Ice-Cream!

Republican: I don't want that.

Mother: But you wanted it last time we ate here. It's your favorite!

Republican: I don't care. I don't want it now.

Mother: Honey, you're embarrassing me, the other guests, and most of all, yourself.

Republican: I want another war.

Mother: You already have two wars. Remember when you made me go to the war store on the way here?

Republican: I want another!

Mother: You can't, honey. That costs Mommy money, and you said you wanted a Balanced Budget.

Republican: NOOOOO!

Mother: Please, please cooperate. You gave Mommy such a hard time when she took you to the doctor.

Republican: SOCIALIST!

Waiter: Ma'am...

Mother: Just another few minutes please.

Waiter: No, ma'am. It's our chef. Apparently, while washing his hands, he caught your Republican tapping his foot in the men's bathroom stall. You are aware that means--

Mother: Check please!