08/12/2010 11:43 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Entertainment Job Listings for Those Stuck in the Recession

In this recession, jobs are harder to find than ever before -- especially in Hollywood. And if you're looking for work in "the Biz," you need to know the right people. Fortunately, you know me, and I've been privy to some hot leads floating around Tinseltown lately. With any luck, one of these job listings could be your big break, and some schmuck will be lighting your cigar.

New Media Upstart Company seeks Assistant who can figure out this gosh-darn Internet.
TVFeeder is a hot young production company designed to distribute high quality shows virally. We are looking for an assistant who can tell us just what this Internet hooplah is all about. The assistant will deliver our emails to other computers and take us to the Worldwide Website. If all goes well, we will buy more Internet as the company expands. Can we use the phone at the same time? Let's take America Online by storm! See you in the chatrooms!

Studio Exec seeks Intern to vicariously live as his son.
Busy-high level executive at a major studio is looking for an intern to become his son, Todd. You will wear Todd's clothing, listen to his music, and join his track team. On weekends we'll go fishing, build model airplanes, and other hobbies that are not skiing accidents. We'll also visit your grandma (read: Todd's grandma) on the holidays. This is a great growth-opportunity for getting the family Toyota Camry, and a chance to learn the ins and outs of being my son. Interns already named Todd are a plus.

FOX Diversity Group desperately seeks a black guy.
As a team dedicated to ensuring ethnic and racial diversity in the workplace, the Fox Diversity Group is in desperate need of a black guy to chair the meetings and "keep it real." The ideal applicant should have an MBA from a top-tier business school, 5+ years of industry experience, and a sassy jive-talking mouth that just won't quit! Please fax resume and a photo of your favorite basketball jams to

Top Production Company seeks slaves to build Top Production Company Pyramids.
We are looking for unpaid slaves to construct Production Company Pyramids. Slaves must be willing to work against their will, as they drag enormous Production Company Granite Slabs up a steep stone slope. We need creative problem solvers! The pyramids must be grand enough to house the Production Company Pharaoh, but strong enough to protect against looters. They will also serve as a promotional tool for the new ABC series Modern Family.

Network News Division hiring upgraded News-Reporting Android.
News Division of a major television network has recently lost its News-Reporting Android and is now looking for a replacement. The Android should deliver news stories smoothly and efficiently, and speak with an odd inflection no normal person would use. It should also robotically chant sports scores with a serenely placid, human-like face. Job starts immediately. We cannot report the news without this android! Please hurry as Katie Couric has already been dismantled due to a critical hardware malfunction.

Documentary Filmmaker hiring assistant to have sex with.
I believe in honesty: having sex with you is much more important than editing this documentary on the Khmer Rouge. Ideally, I would like to have sex with you in my apartment, specifically on the Murphy bed, and with time permitting, the backseat of my '98 Ford Windstar. Once again, faulty agricultural reform, and Pol Pot's ruthless torture of Cambodians are ancillary compared to our imminent fornication. Assistant will work literally under an accomplished documentarian who, until your employment, spends lonely tear-soaked nights wondering if he'll ever again feel a woman's embrace. Knowledge of Final Cut Pro a plus.

CBS is looking for an Administrative Assistant to assist in Development Programming and Programming Development.
The assistant will develop programming for our development programming team, which will then be passed on to programming development for further development. Assuming the developing programs meet our approval, the assistant will program a development program for primetime programming. You'll be working in tandem with the Production Coordinator and Coordinating Producer.

A-List Talent Agent seeks Worthy Opponent to Battle in the Warrior's Fire Ring.
Well-reputed motion picture talent agent (Robin Williams, Sandra Bullock, Seth Rogen) requires a new foe to combat against in the dreaded Warrior's Fire Ring. This is a great opportunity to become the next agency tribe chief and please the all-watching war god Golgar! Opponent must be willing to work shirtless and able to wield a bronze trident. Must have flexible schedule. Opponent's heart may be devoured for Warrior Strength. College credit only.

FOX Diversity Group desperately seeks an Asian girl in a wheelchair.
Know any?

NBC executive seeks ball washer.
NBC studio exec needs a responsible, friendly, thick-skinned ball washer to wash his balls. Whether in a golf tournament, or just hitting the links, this busy executive needs his little white balls, waxed, tidy, and immaculate. Washer must be willing to thoroughly wipe his balls and not afraid to put a little elbow grease or some spit-shine should the occasion call for it. If you can cradle both balls in one hand--even better. Note: applicant must also be willing to scrub testicles.

Paramount Vantage seeks intern to put tape on shit.
We have a lot of shit that needs taped and are hiring interns to put tape on said shit. Boxes, posters, broken windows--you name it--it needs tape. Job requirements include having two hands, basic motor-skills and a fun enthusiastic attitude for taping. Must have 4-year degree at Ivy League school. Interns will not be compensated for tape.