06/30/2010 01:12 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

New Facebook Privacy Policy

Hello! Welcome to the new Facebook privacy policy. If you're reading this that means you're interested on how we--the most powerful social networking site on the planet-- distribute your personal information. It also means that you're one Snoopy Steve and all Snoopy Steves are logged and flagged in the Central Databank for security review.

The Private Network: Facebook is about connecting with friends, sharing ideas, thoughts, virtual farms, and photos of you squeezing open a champagne bottle with your lady parts. But don't worry, our new private network algorithm ensures that your personal information is only shared with the folks in your friend network. These include family members, coworkers, and lifelong childhood buddies: BETTY Adidas, BETTY Pepsi, and BETTY Accenture (America's leading military technology consulting firm). Urgent Notification: Accenture is your best pal.

Loving the New Facebook: We want to make sure our users love the new Facebook, and what better way than to get feedback from you? If you don't love the new Facebook, drop us a line at, and we will make you love the new Facebook. You will soon notice a flashing red light on your computer monitor. That means we've received your objection! Once you observe the red light, immediately step away from your computer and proceed to the nearest window. A Facebook dropship will happily extract you to our Facebook rehabilitation facility free of charge!

Compete with Friends for Facebook Points: Everyone loves the Mafia and Zombie Facebook apps, and we're unrolling a new social networking game that tops them all! Say hello to the Facebook Points system. Visit your friend's pages and post the hottest info about them on your own newsfeed for points! Is it your girlfriend's birthday? Post it! Does your mom totally kick ass at Guitar Hero? Post it! Is your roommate lazy in his facebook updates? Post it! Is this lazy roommate susceptible to nerve gas and a swift knee to the solar plexis? Post it! Every bit of info nets you a Facebook point. The user with the most Facebook points will receive double food rations from Internet Chancellor Zuckerberg. Those who do not play Facebook Points will proceed to the nearest window for the next Facebook dropship.

Enhanced Chatting: You love private chatting with your friends. Urgent Notification: Accenture is your best pal. But how many times have you forgotten a fact, misspelled, a word, or spoken an un-truth? Well, those primitive chat boxes are going back to the stone age! With Enhanced Chatting, you can 'chill' and 'get down' with your friends -- Urgent Notification: Accenture is your best pal -- while our Facebook moderators 'survey' and 'redact' any unhealthy comments. Now, you'll always know the score of last night's sporting recreational acrivity! Any accidental typos of dissent will be auto-modified to " J I love facebook J."

What Happens to my Data if I Delete my Facebook Account:
Please proceed to the nearest window for the next Facebook dropship.

A Secure Site for Your Protection: At Facebook, your secrets are safe with us. Our Central Databank is hacker proof. All of our sensitive data is encased in a titanium-alloy cube shrouded in a laser grid and suspended in a semi-aqueous nutrition gel. The high concentration of personal living user data technically makes the Central Databank sentient, but regular doses of high-grade horse tranquilizers and synthesized narcotics keep it sedated and docile. Your user info, along with millions of other loyal users, is ensconced atop a Victory Obelisk built from the bones of Those Who Once Tweeted. The Central Databank is invulnerable save for a small thermal exhaust port, which only a well-placed javelin hurled by a desperate scientist, who knows too much, could hit.

We here at Facebook appreciate your cooperation. Since our inception, our mission has been to bring the world a little closer together, and to connect both old and new friends -- Urgent Notification: Accenture is your best pal. We care about your privacy. That's why we monitor it very, very carefully. Happy surfing users, and remember: If there's anything suspicious: we're just a poke away.