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12 Campaign Slogans for Ragin' Meg Whitman (VIDEO)

10/18/2010 11:47 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

This is a love story: Meg Whitman, a hard-driving business owner who for decades was just too darn busy to vote, has suddenly fallen in love with politics. If you're a Californian like me, you should be aware that she's spending more than you or I will make in a hundred lifetimes, just to be our governor. We ought to be flattered!

I mean, she could be off doing fun tycoon stuff...buying up a small town and forcing them to rename it Megtropolis, or overthrowing a tiny Pacific nation, evicting the populace and turning it into a South Seas theme park. But no, she's going to dedicate her next four years to making Californians' lives better. She's a godsend...like Mother Teresa, with a billion bucks in the bank!

How will she turn California around? Well, first of all, St. Meg is spending $150 million of her own money to ensure her election. A small thinker like Mommy T would have squandered that on food and bandages for the poor and crap like that. Or some big-government liberal would have hired 6,000 people to fill potholes or clean up parks or repair schoolrooms. But that's the socialist New Deal tyranny FDR tried to shove down our throats. We're not buying it!

Meg knows that investment is the real source of wealth. So we need to cut capital gains taxes on people like her, and then she'll create more jobs. She promises! And some of them may actually be in California. Already, she's been a boon to our ailing political ad industry. And sure, she'll get a huge tax break, many times what she's spending on this race, but what's the alternative? Not government! Not public investment, hell, no! That money is dirty. It reeks of open hearings and public commitment and democratic compromise.

Meg hasn't got the patience for that kind of nonsense. Like, when she shoves an aide out of a meeting, it's not because she's some kind of psycho rageaholic. It's just that she knows that time is money, and you have to light a fire under the lardasses to make them hop to it! Physical bullying is simply a good management tool. And even if she winds up paying $200 grand to that aide down the road, it's just a cost of doing business. As Fitzgerald might have observed (if he'd only been a little wealthier): The rich are different from you and me...they know when the help needs a good kick in the ass!

As you can tell, I'm a big Meg Whitman booster. Which is why I've come up with 12 Campaign Slogans for Ragin' Meg Whitman.