09/13/2010 02:00 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

12 Sayings of Tea Party Jesus (VIDEO)

Ever since seeing Pastor Glenn Beck deliver his sermon on the Lincoln Memorial steps, I've been wondering how he and his followers can love Jesus, but hate welfare, health care and gun control. I mean, charity, healing, pacifism...that's pretty much Jesus's whole platform.

Then it hit me - the Teabaggers are talking about a different Jesus.

I mean, it was a pretty common name back then. You could walk into any crowd and be sure that you'd hear someone yelling, "Oh, Jesus!"

But this other Jesus was obviously a pretty special guy, too.

The type of guy who'd refuse to cure lepers because it was a pre-existing condition.

People would ask him for a miracle to feed a multitude, and he'd tell them to go out and work for their loaves and fishes, like he did.

He wouldn't render squat unto Caesar - he was Taxed Enough Already!

And you can bet your ass he wouldn't lie down and be crucified by a bunch of sword-grabbing Romans. Not this guy. He wants his Judea back!

So be comforted by the special wisdom to be found in the 12 Sayings of Tea Party Jesus.