Fox News's Megyn Kelly thinks cops pepper-spraying unresisting prisoners isn't so bad, because after all, it's "a food product, essentially."
My advice to Megyn would be first, to spell her name with a normal vowel. Megyn Price gets a pass because she's funny, humane, and sexy. Megyn Kelly is no funnier than she is humane, which is to say not at all.
My second bit of advice would be not to eat out for a while. Definitely not at any restaurant where the waiters aren't her fellow one-percenters. Look, personally I love the snotty cheerleader act, but I can see where it might wear thin with less-masochistic personalities, even in ordinary circumstances.
And these are exceptionally emotional times. As might be expected in a country whose populace is just becoming aware that their local peace officers can be turned into corporate goons who cheerfully gas grandmas and pregant women.
Even if her favorite eatery does not give Megan (see? I'm helping her get over herself) a painful lesson in just how bad that nasty tongue of hers can burn, she may find herself unwittingly ingesting any number of unsavory "food products."
And then there's her partner in crimes against humanity, Bill O'Wrongly (I'm pretty sure I have that name right... anyway, who bothers to fact-check anymore?) Bill, taking time off from his usual job of making viewers less informed than they were before they turned on his show, was the soul of fairness:
"I don't think we have the right to Monday-morning quarterback the police."
Well, you didn't exactly need slo-mo to analyze that play. Office Pike (there's a Dickensian name for a thug cop, isn't it?) waddled down the line of unresisting students and carefully sprayed an agonizing, blistering bio-weapon all over them.
Exactly what extenuating circumstance does Bill imagine might excuse this calm, deliberate sadism?
The only conceivable explanation is, that it was the end of a long Laurel-and-Hardy style confrontation, where the protesters kicked him in the shin, ripped his tie, then set fire to his car, while he stood patiently absorbing the indignities, then cocked his hat forward and proceeded to take his turn. Until that tape shows up, we'll just have to imagine the hilarity that preceded, and justified, the chemical torture.
Of course, had the police looked cross-eyed at a Tea Party protest, we might have heard a different tune coming out of Billo. But that's because there are BIG DIFFERENCES between Occupy Wall Street and the Tea Party. I can think of a Dozen right off.
See more Doug's Dozen lists at www.dougsdozen.com.
And watch Doug's Dozen videos on FunnyOrDie.