1. "Oh, don't worry about getting polish on my silk sock. I like firing people."
2. "Maybe I did say brown polish. But that was minutes ago. Now I want black."
3. "By the way, better untie Rover from the fuselage."
4. "Don't expect a big tip. I'm unemployed, you know. Ha, ha."
5. "You live in Massachusetts, right? If anybody asks, I lived in your basement when I voted in the last election."
6. "By the way, this counts as a job I created."
7. "We're in luck -- the inflight movie is Battlefield Earth!"
8. "You used to be a steel worker in South Carolina? Hey, small world! I downsized you."
9. "Some of my best friends are Hispanic people. Pemex, Taco Bell Corporation, Chipotle Incorporated..."
10. "Back pain, huh? Too bad you didn't tell me back when I gave a crap about health care."
11. "Oh, you got sent to 'Nam? I wish I could've made it, but I couldn't get out of my missionary position."
12. "Well, if you'd made a wiser choice of parents, maybe I'd be shining your shoes."
See more Doug's Dozen lists at www.dougsdozen.com.
And watch Doug's Dozen videos on FunnyOrDie.