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Doug's Dozen: 12 Excuses for the Dear Departed Elephant Hunter

04/20/2015 03:38 pm ET | Updated Jun 17, 2015

The whole world was saddened to hear of the loss of elephant hunter Ian Gibson, who was trampled to death in Zimbabwe by the bull elephant he was attempting to shoot for its ivory.

"Why couldn't this have happened years ago?" was a typical, tearful response. But every story has two sides, so here is...

Doug's Dozen: 12 Excuses for the Dear Departed Elephant Hunter

1. The man suffered from a crushing depression.

2. Some people just crack under pressure.

3. He was like a character in a pulp novel.

4. He was relying on assurances that a MASH unit was nearby.

5. He needed ivory fast: It was crunch-time.

6. Guide was unclear in advising him to "make tracks."

7. Guide misunderstood when he ordered squash for lunch.

8. Thought he was about to see a new dance when warned about "the elephant stomp."

9. You know, pianos with ivory keys are also an endangered species.

10. You meat-eating hypocrites can't appreciate the art of killing for sheer fun.

11. At least he won't take up a lot of room at the cemetery.

12. C'mon, the poor guy was flat broke.

Read Doug's comic novel, Memoirs of a Time Traveler,