News item: Newt Gingrich had a bandage on his finger after being bitten by a penguin at the St. Louis Zoo.
If you think I'm leaving this one alone, you're crazy.
So herewith are...
DOUG'S DOZEN: 12 NEW DETAILS IN THE "PENGUIN-BITES-NEWT-GINGRICH" STORY
1. Gingrich identified his attacker as "a typically overdressed Romney supporter."
2. The penguin was hungry, and mistook Gingrich for an actual newt.
3. Gingrich ridiculed the penguin behavior of giving a pebble to a mate as "pathetically inadequate compared to what I do at Tiffany's."
4. The penguin blamed climate-change-denier Gingrich for the loss of its home in an ice-shelf collapse.
5. Gingrich demanded an investigation of liberal penguin-portrayer Danny DeVito.
6. The penguin was upset after Gingrich's check to the zoo bounced.
7. Gingrich said it was staged by 'Happy Feet Two' producers, to promote "a lame comedy no one wants to see," to which the producers replied, "We would never promote your candidacy."
8. Threat by Gingrich to "bloody Obama's nose" angered the penguin, who is half black and half white.
9. Gingrich's one-time backer Sheldon Adelson offered him another million, if he'll visit the cobra exhibit.
10. The penguin was bitter because she recently got sick, and was dumped by Gingrich.
11. Gingrich has come out in favor of penguin labor, preferably as boiler room janitors.
12. The penguin laughed, "The funny part is, he still thinks he's brilliant."
(Thanks to Jeff Forsyth and Mark Miller!)
See more Doug's Dozen lists at www.dougsdozen.com.
And watch Doug's Dozen videos on FunnyOrDie.
HuffPost Entertainment is your one-stop shop for celebrity news, hilarious late-night bits, industry and awards coverage and more — sent right to your inbox six days a week. Learn more