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Doug's Dozen: 12 GOP Talking Points for Obama's Foreign Policy

08/21/2014 07:07 pm ET | Updated Oct 21, 2014

I might be a tad late with some of these tips. Luckily, leading conservatives have managed to figure them out on their own. But when you're Right, it never hurts to make sure your message is consistent, so here's...

Doug's Dozen: 12 GOP Talking Points for Obama's Foreign Policy

1. IRAQ: When Obama visits our allies who thought we were nuts to invade Iraq, say he's on "an apology tour"; at his first State of the Union speech, call Obama a liar; when Obama fulfills his promise to withdraw from Iraq, call him "dangerously weak."

2. AFGHANISTAN: As soon as Obama takes office, blame him for every bad thing that happens in Afghanistan (and Iraq). Remember to say, "So what if Bush started this? He isn't president anymore."

3. BIN LADEN: After Obama kills Bin Laden, insist that this was actually done by Bush (years after he left office.) Add that by announcing the mission succeeded, Obama is "showboating" and "giving away secrets"; also, point out that "any other president would have made the same call." (Do not mention: Mitt Romney's 2008 campaign promise not to violate Pakistani sovereignty, or Bush's statement six months after 9/11, "I don't think about him"; or Bush closing the CIA's Bin Laden unit in 2005.)

4. AL QAEDA/ISIS: When Obama uses drones to annihilate most of Al Qaeda's leadership, call him a dictator; when he uses drones and airstrikes instead of reinvading Iraq to get ISIS, call him "dangerously weak."

5. EGYPT: When Obama prevents massacres by Mubarak using no troops but just pressure on Egypt's army, call him "dangerously weak"; when an Islamist is elected to replace Mubarak, call Obama "reckless" and/or "pro-Islamist" (your choice); when Egypt's army removes the Islamist... uh... well, keep mum and see what happens next. Fingers crossed for a disaster!

6. LIBYA: When Obama prevents massacres by Gaddafi using no troops but just NATO air power, protest that Gaddafi is a reliable client we can do business with... until it's clear Gaddafi is losing; then complain that Obama is "leading from behind" (or "dangerously weak.")

7. DEFENSE CUTS: To show your commitment to a strong America (that is, keep your biggest donors from paying more in taxes), gridlock the government and force slashing of spending, including VA health care and embassy security. (Remember to blame Obama for VA waiting lists.)

8. BENGHAZI!: When terrorists kill an American ambassador and three others at a poorly-secured consulate, treat this security failure as Obama committing intentional treason (and DO NOT mention those embassy budget cuts -- nor the 31 people killed at American consulates and embassies under Bush, nor the 2,997 killed during Bush's version of Benghazi.)

9. SYRIA: When Assad, Putin's last Mideast ally, is collapsing, insist that Obama arm Assad's foes, no matter who they are; when Assad's foes all wind up under ISIS control, do not mention what a bad idea it would have been to arm them.

10. WMDs: When Assad uses chemical weapons, call Obama "reckless" for drawing the line at that, then "dangerously weak" for not sending in troops, then "even weaker" when Putin caves and disarms his own ally Assad. (Once the WMDs are destroyed, don't call this a success for Obama, just praise how strong Putin is.)

11. UKRAINE: When Putin takes back the eastern end of Ukraine (and by the way, his country's only warm-water naval port), call Obama "dangerously weak" for saying he won't go to war with a nuclear power over this (but don't mention that Bush did nothing when Russia annexed part of Georgia in 2008; also, remember to stop praising Putin for being strong.)

12. HOSTAGES: When Obama gets Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl released, call our soldier a traitor and slam Obama as "dangerously weak" for caving to terrorists; then slam Obama for failing to get back photographer James Foley; when it comes out there was a failed rescue attempt, liken Obama to Jimmy Carter for risking something that had a chance of failure. (Don't use the phrase, "any president would have made the same call.") Demand more details on the failed raid, so you can accuse Obama of "giving away secrets."

Next week: How to spin 50 straight months of job growth and a doubled stock market as a bad economy.

Read Doug's comic novel, Memoirs of a Time Traveler. Now available in paperback or on Kindle.