Doug's Dozen: 12 Things I'll Do As Soon As I Win That $640 Million in the Lotto

03/30/2012 03:39 pm ET | Updated May 30, 2012

1. Have plastic surgery make me look exactly like Cary Grant. Cause I can already do the voice.

2. Go to Vegas, play $2 blackjack and not really care when I'm down $50 at the end of a weekend.

3. Build a Disneyland in Pasadena, cause Anaheim is just too far.

4. Track down Dick Cheney's old heart, buy it back and re-install it for him.

5. Immediately have myself frozen so they can thaw me out when they find a cure for hypochondria.

6. Film the last three Star Wars movies myself. And this time, no silly character names.

7. Be smart and put it in a steady annuity that would pay me $640 a year for a million years.

8. Buy a diamond ring for Scarlett Johansson so big that she'd have to work out just to wear it.

9. Finally be able to afford that great burial insurance I keep getting ads for.

10. Buy a $40 million house... with a $600 million wall to keep all you envious poor people out.

11. Invade Liechtenstein. They've been asking for it for years.*

12. Donate it to Romney and the GOP to keep the Bush tax cuts, because I don't want to pay that extra 3.5 percent on my winnings!

(* -- It's possible that I'm thinking of Luxembourg.)

No video this week, but please feel free to revisit these holiday classics.

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