THE BLOG
02/25/2013 02:50 pm ET | Updated Apr 27, 2013

Doug's Dozen: 12 Cuts to Look for When the Sequester Kicks In

The Sequester is scheduled to start March 1.

When Congress agreed to it in 2011, Speaker Boehner said he got 98 percent of what he wanted. Now, apparently, it's that 2 percent that's the problem. Which is funny, 'cause that's basically what Occupy Wall Street said.

On the other hand, Republicans blame President Obama for not offering up a plan that they can declare dead on arrival.

Me, I'm not too worried because these cuts can't touch Social Security, Medicare or active-duty military. But there will be some sacrifices, so here's...

Doug's Dozen: 12 Cuts to Look For When the Sequester Kicks In

1. National Parks to be patrolled by bears.

2. 70,000 obsolete bridges will not get "Warning -- Ready to Collapse" signs.

3. Slower approval of drilling leases will delay much-needed oil spills.

4. National Weather Satellites to be replaced by old guy whose knee predicts rain.

5. USDA meat inspections will be simplified to: "HORSE" or "PROBABLY NOT HORSE."

6. House of Representatives will work only two days a week - oh, wait, they already do that.

7. Border Patrol to be replaced by scarecrows resembling Ann Coulter.

8. Superfund sites will be relabeled "Mutant Wildlife Preserves."

9. Mars Rover to ignore any lifeform that doesn't look like it will lend us money.

10. FDA can only approve 86 new anti-depressants per month.

11. Airport searches now just given to bearded passengers who scream "Death to America!"

12. Leaflets to be dropped on al-Qaeda camps saying: "We owe you one drone strike."

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See more Doug's Dozen lists and Doug's comic novel at www.dougsdozen.com.