Recent developments in national debate over campaign finance reform (Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission) have had an instantaneous and wholesale effect on television. That's right, move over "Jersey Shore," "Dancing with the Stars" and nightly news.
In fact, media insiders say it's time to call the coroner and throw a big, fat R.I.P. sticker on primetime programming as we know it. The W.O.W. Network -- acronym for We Own Washington -- will be crowned the very first all-the-time, all-the-networks, all-the-politics-you-can-buy-and-swallow juggernaut to blaze into broadcast history.
Early reports predict a co-host model similar to Vanna and Sajak. Though Vanna spins words while Sajak spins guests -- a.k.a. the Capitol Hill model -- insiders say. W.O.W. co-hosts will instead help viewers navigate a titillating path rife with profound tribal trials the likes of which will make the oft sappy, soft touch "Survivor" look like an hour with Barney. (No, not the Congressman from Massachusetts, the other one, the purple one who scares kids.)
Programming segments are due to include:
Game Shows:
- I Want to be at the Mercy of a Billionaire
- Wheel of Grave Misfortune
- The Price is Right or Left
Slice of Life:
- Extreme Makeover: The Homeless Edition
- Biggest Loser: The Middle Class Edition
- The Amazing Race: The Get a White Guy Back in The White House Edition
Entertainment:
- American Idle
- America's Got Talent for Fucking Things Up
- America's Next Top Model Made in China
Daytime Dramas:
- All My Children are Poorly Educated
- One Life to Live In Debt
- As the World Turns it Runs Head-On Into a Bus
When it comes to potential co-host names being bandied about the producing suite, odds-makers give nods to the honorable and equitable Supreme Court Justice John Roberts and the uber-charitable Exxon Chief, Rex Tillerson. Additional names being dropped are Wal-Mart Captain, Michael Duke (not to be confused with David Duke) and Fed Chair, Ben "The Banker" Bernanke, Governor Huckabee and his trusty sidekick, Chuck Norris, and of course, the apoplectic apostles for our times, T. Boone Pickens and Joe the Plumber.
Super Bowl ads on W.O.W. are rumored to yield as much as $10 billion dollars per minute with contractual obligations to include unmitigated savaging of minorities, mysterious ties to foreign governments, far-less-than-half-truths about all involved political parties and an additional $1 billion dollar bonus for every program exec who affords a negative return on investment.
Nary a network official could be reached for comment, however, due to round-the-clock boiler room strategy summits with oil tycoons, sheiks, automakers, drug cartels and innumerable shadow factions looking to rape and pillage America's former land of the free and home of the brave.
With only three years left in the Obama occupancy, W.O.W. pundits far and wide are geared to push mid-term elections like prescription pills. And since Yes We Can has become Yes We Can Forget What the Hell We Were Talking About, word has it the First Lady has already called upon those pesky little D.C. public school kids to help her rip the vegetable garden from the South Lawn and put up the foreclosure sign.
The network's theme music is rumored to be, "K Street and Wall Street Sittin' in a Tree," the indelible R&B duet sung by Nancy Pelosi and Larry Summers.
Stay tuned for more. Or less.
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