A couple drives to a dinner party in stony silence. Each harbors feelings about a disagreement from earlier that afternoon over a financial matter. Both had shut down after a few minutes rather than expose some deeper concerns each of them had, and that were probably the source of the disagreement. So now, they continued driving in silence, hoping the residue would wear off later... or maybe in a few days. But it only added another brick in the wall.
Like many, this couple had become accustomed to concealing parts of themselves from each other. But practicing what I call "Radical Transparency" could have helped them stay connected while dealing with the conflict. Moreover, it's essential for sustaining intimacy in a romantic relationship.
To explain, a current irony is that transparency is burgeoning all around us, but relationships seem to be stuck in a last-century time warp, untouched by the changing world. That is, our hyperconnected, social-media dominated world bursts with transparency: Public exposure of truths and realities appear almost immediately via YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, blogs and a host of other vehicles. The lies of politicians, atrocities by despots, ethical transgressions by corporations -- all become quickly exposed to the world.
Transparency is rising, and couples can benefit from embracing a radical version of it and making it a kind of operating system for their relationships. It's an antidote to the long slide into emotional, spiritual and sexual decline, or toward affairs and divorce.
Relationships are hard. Couples grapple with trying to "balance" work and life issues while managing careers, raising children, paying bills, and so on. Interactions become increasingly transactional. Conflicts and power struggles color daily life. Hiding out, concealing thoughts and feelings, and secret manipulation are drains. As one spouse reported, "I can't remember why we got together in the first place."
Most people don't want to be hidden or deceptive, but they fall into those patterns. They are the product of how people learn to conduct romantic relationships in our culture -- what I've called our "adolescent model of love." Some may descend into the surface-friendly but emotionally distant, lonely relationship that Virginia Woolf portrayed in To The Lighthouse: "This is not what we want; there is nothing more tedious, puerile, and inhumane than this..."
The Two Parts of Radical Transparency
Radical Transparency is a way of relating to your partner in which you reveal your inner self, your true experience. That means exposing your vulnerabilities and fears, as well as your desires and points of view about whatever issues you're discussing.
Research about relationships that thrive for the long run, as well as new knowledge about positive development in general, underscore that Radical Transparency is a conduit for sustaining intimacy and connection. Or, for restoring and rebuilding it when when it's broken down.
Radical Transparency has two parts: One is being open and revealing about yourself to your partner. It includes letting go of inhibitions or defensive feelings you might be harboring about what you haven't revealed, and also acknowledging your reluctance to do so. The flip side is being open and receptive to your partner's reality: his or her feelings, wishes, desires, fears and differences from yourself. It means openly encouraging your partner to express them to you.
Mounting research supports the value of Radical Transparency, including studies that find that people who are truthful about themselves experience more relationship intimacy and wellbeing; better romantic relationships. Also, people who have close relationships use more positive than negative words when communicating. Overall, studies find that positive connection and intimacy grow from being transparent about what's inside of you, but not from making negative judgments about your partner and focusing on them in your communication.
Radical transparency can be painful, perhaps relationship-threatening. But it's more likely to open the door to strengthening the foundation of your relationship. People who've reflected on lessons from divorce often discover that in retrospect, according to a new study. Research also confirms that transparency in your intimate relationships has a wide-ranging, long-term impact on your physical and mental health.
Sadly, so many couples report feeling alone within their relationship. That often reflects the consequence of barriers they've erected, blocking transparency about their emotions, thoughts, needs or experiences. For example, one couple described living, essentially, separate lives over their decade together. They had pursued their careers and personal interests, which they enjoyed. But they also kept more and more of their inner lives private. This gradually created a distant and strained relationship. Like many, they assumed that this was part of "normal" relationships. But it kills intimacy, and it's also unhealthy.
Some Steps Toward Radical Transparency
Those are a few steps. But in whatever ways you practice Radical Transparency you're saying, in essence, "This is me. This is who I am." It's about showing your whole person: your fears, desires, needs, hopes, and experience of life. Your desire to know your partner and be known in return -- emotionally, spiritually, sexually. That doesn't mean that you and your partner are always on the same plane. But with Radical Transparency, the two of you can face and learn to deal with where you're not, and strengthen your intimacy around the areas where you are aligned.
As one man said to his wife, "I'm tired of all this. No more lies! I want an integrated life, no matter where it leads."
Douglas LaBier, Ph.D., a business psychologist and psychotherapist, is director of the Center for Progressive Development in Washington, D.C. You may contact him at dlabier@CenterProgressive.org. To learn more about him, click here.
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Margaret Paul, Ph.D.: 5 Choices to Help You Stay in Love
Who I am, who I pretend to be, and who she wants me to be, her imaginary me.
Who she is, who she pretends to be, and who I want her to be, my imaginary her.
The trick is to learn to drop the pretenses and the imaginaries and bring on the real "who," but this isn't easy. We spend so much time and effort cultivating who we pretend to be, and our imaginary others, that we miss out on the real us. And then we're stuck in a confusing frustrating relationship with six people inhabiting two bodies.