Lately, women have been reporting on the proliferation of a peculiar creature in their neighborhoods. They say it's hairy, communicates in grunts if at all, is always trying to gain their favor, doesn't train very well, and tries to hump everything in sight.
Yup - men are everywhere. But we're not nearly as baffling as we seem once you understand the underlying machinery. As my fortune cookie said last night, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood."
So, straight out of The Tao of Dating -- "the dating bible for smart women" according to my good man and ace dating coach Evan Marc Katz, and the greatest book in the world according to my mom -- here's a little primer on how to understand guys. Whether you're single or married, this should help you relate better with half of the planet's population, leading directly to world peace and reversing global warming instantly. So don't just read it for yourself -- read it to save the polar bears:
1) Men need to feel useful.
In the good old days of cave living and mammoth hunting, guys had essential functions: they protected the homestead and brought home the meat.
Even though modern niceties like police and Whole Foods have largely superseded those functions, men still want to be useful. You can take the man out of the cave, but you can't take the cave out of the man.
So we try to open doors for you, even though we know you have pilates-toned biceps to do it yourself. We like to treat you to some fresh mammoth at the local diner, even though you can afford it yourself. We lend our arm when we walk together, help you install gadgets, carry suitcases. It ain't much, but it's all that's left for us to do.
When a woman signals that she is so independent that she doesn't need (or want) a man doing these things for her, the man will sulk away and find something else to make him feel useful - work, sports, poker, drinking buddies, other women.
2) Men mono-task.
The other day, I had some friends over for dinner, and one of them was trying to engage me in conversation while I was chopping salad. After a minute of stilted conversation and impaired chopping, I had to shoo him away and resume the chopping solo, lest I lose a fingertip.
There are structural differences between the brains of men and women. A woman's corpus callosum is 20 percent bigger than that of a man, so maybe the increased traffic she can handle between her right and left hemispheres allows her to multitask better. All I know is that we guys can barely talk and eat at the same time. We can't talk and drive. And we certainly shouldn't be allowed to talk and cook, unless you want some extra fingertip in your salad.
3) Men are hornier than women.
Let's assume that evolution designed us to perpetuate our genes. Now ask yourself: what's the maximum number of children a man and a woman could have in a year if each had sex with a different person every day? The answer makes it immediately obvious that, in the genetic lottery, a man stands to gain a lot more than a woman by having multiple sexual partners.
In short, men behave like sperm; women behave like eggs. Sperm are plentiful, easily regenerated and cheap. Eggs are scarce, finite and expensive. So women are gatekeepers while men storm the barricades. Is this good? Is this bad? Neither. It just is. And someone please tell me why I feel like having an omelet now.
4) Men prefer to be taller, richer and smarter than the women they date.
A study showed that 84 percent of men won't date a woman who's better educated than himself. Similar numbers apply to wealthier and taller women. This means that somewhere, there are legions of rich, smart, tall women left all by their lonesome - tragic indeed. Except for the men who like rich, smart, tall women. My email's below.
5) Men like to be heard.
Yeah, we like to ramble. We've got stories about our new gadget, the game last night, Samuel Johnson, the Large Hadron Collider. Oh, and we've got opinions - about everything. You're free for the rest of the month, right?
As such, we're used to being interrupted. But if you're the woman who's patient and savvy enough to let us ramble without interruption, then we will probably want to have you around more often.
6) Men don't pay much attention to what women wear.
Most straight men can't tell the difference between $30 shoes and a $300 pair. We are also oblivious to the way women artfully match their belts, handbags and dresses with said shoes. Frankly, it's all wrapping paper to us. Far more interesting is the present underneath. Is it Christmas yet?
As long as a woman's clothes are clean and present her well without obscuring essential information (e.g. "Is that an empire waist dress or is she just pregnant?"), we're much more interested in the contents of her clothes than the clothes themselves - the body for sure, and if she keeps our attention, the mind and spirit, too. That said...
7) Men are shallow when it comes to women's looks.
We care about women's looks - a lot. Shiny hair, hourglass figure, clear skin draw us in. Scientists say those are proxies for health, youth and fertility, or what guys call 'hotness.' Studies say hotness peaks around age 21. So if a woman in her 30s who wants children wonders why guys in their 30s date children, that's why.
Now, a woman seems to have the gift of making a man who makes her feel good look good. Guys tend to operate differently. We either find you appealing or not.
We may be shallow, but we're connoisseurs of our shallowness. Most of us tend to have a type we find attractive and stick to it for better or for worse. A man's type may change over time, but there's no guarantee, and it can't be induced to change. Which brings us to...
8) Men don't change much after age 18.
What I've noticed in my years in the personal change business is how little people shift in their habits and attitudes over time. A 60-year-old runs the same programs he learned when he was a kid. Therefore, trying to change a man is a futile endeavor unless you're a hypnotherapist and he's paying you to do it.
When a woman picks a man as a companion, she accepts the whole package without line-item vetoes. If she's lucky, he'll be doing the same for her, so it ends up being a pretty fair deal.
9) Men rise or fall to your level of expectation of them.
Of course, right after I tell you that men don't change, I come out and tell you that they do -- a little bit. Most men are afraid to admit it, but we're basically here to please women. If you hold him to low standards -- it's okay if he shows up late, forgets a birthday, isn't ambitious -- he will meet those standards. Conversely, if you expect reliability, loyalty and greatness from him, that's what he'll deliver.
May you find these useful. And if you have some of your own observations for understanding men and saving polar bears, do share them below.
More insights on men & a foolproof program for finding, meeting, attracting & keeping the good ones in The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible
Visit the Tao of Dating and Awaken Your Genius blogs
Write to me directly. I do my best to answer all questions. Put 'Question' in the subject line and please keep it under 2 paragraphs
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If you feel sexy men feel it too!
Women should figure out what they like first...then think about the men.
Don't leave out the fact that more and more older women are with younger men these days...all of my girlfriends are married to men 6-10 years younger and have been for well over a decade! These are all successful women! And the men are too!
I say women look at younger smart men! Old guys just become older and more sexist!
My first instinct was to pounce but I sensed she wanted more than a few dates and starting that fire in a working environment is very dangerous. 20 years ago I did that and regretted it.
My second instinct was "she doesn't need me", she wants me. And for that reason mostly I changed my emotional focus.
I've dated women who are significantly wealthier than myself, and with elite academic resumes, even taller women but it just didnt work out long term. Lots of women want men who are of a certain mindset. Lots of women want wealthy men who can build a materialistic nest with all the upperclass suburbs. I tend to shy away from materialistic people.
If you are looking for a prince, a noble cavalier for your heart then understand that if the man your focused on is not willing and motivated to take courtship to a fantastic level for months.........HE 'S NOT A PRINCE, he's a vagabond and your just his hunted victim.
Men are predatory in nature. We like to hunt. We dont always like to catch, and we often throw or release after but we like hunting. Just because you have triggered his scent / hunting gene dont get excited, thats NOT courtship.
Men don't care about women's bodies nearly as much as women care about womens bodies. Truth straight up, we like sexy women. If you have some lumps in the wrong place, get rid of them, but heavy or round women turn us on too. You have to feel sexy and think sexy before we believe you are sexy. We're attracted to FEMINITY not big Tits and hooker skirts, botox and fake hair. That's not what we'll be a Prince for. American women have lost or never had feminity. Look at Mexican or Latino women, they are very feminine. That signals our testosterone.
Is it possible. just maybe possible, that some women would rather be the best they can be and if that means doing without a man, so be it? Being single is not the worst thing that can happen to a person. I think being financially dependent on man who holds you back and then trades you in for a newer model when you lose your figure might actually be worse.
Every woman needs something. Some might be looking for a meal ticket, others might be looking for emotional support and love and companionship. If a man is smart, he will figure out what the woman needs.
I say be yourself, keep your heart open. It's all random.
Great! Love that
I haven't found him, yet. Darn.
No. 6 resonated because I've witnessed the amount of time, money and exasperation women put into their make up and wardrobe choices -- too often at the expense of fitness and attitude adjustments. (Yes, we men could learn to cinch our belts over rather than under or bellies, and there certainly are cave men attitudes out there that could use tweaking too.)
Rising to one's expecation of you goes either way, and is particularly true with children, which is why those who learn discipline do better in life.
Re never changing from the age of 18... damn, I really hope that's not true; although as I look around....
I always linger a moment before a door leaving space for the man to open it. Being a strong independent woman can also mean learning how to surrender a bit, don't you think?
At times for me it is difficult, because I have a tiny fear that the man doesn't see me as unique human, but only as a woman, locking me into a billion stereotypes like the ones in this article.
And, just to clear up any confusion, this is my old pen name that's still in the system.