There has been a rash of celebrity relationship meltdowns recently as a result of men behaving badly: Jesse James and Sandra Bullock; Tiger Woods and his wife; Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer; Charlie Sheen and the latest hapless woman who took up with him.
What's surprising about these incidents isn't the behavior of the men, but people's reactions as if this were somehow unexpected. It's a bit like the headline "Lion Kills and Eats Antelope, Breaks Vegetarian Vow." This is not news; it's just what lions do.
Now I'm not in the business of criticizing celebrities, since I live in Los Angeles and they go to my yoga classes and might whack me with their mat when I'm in down-dog. They also happen to be perfectly nice people who have done nothing to deserve calumny in a public forum.
However, I am in the business of figuring out what fulfills people in their love lives and helping them achieve that. So if you're interested in that, listen up.
When it comes to relationships, women have three options: short-term (fling), medium-term (boyfriend), and long-term (life partner/husband). Any of those options can be fulfilling in its own right. The problem arises when you think you're signing up for one but end up with another. That's when you get a disjunction between expectation and reality, also known as pain.
Enter the Bad Boy. By virtue (or vice) of who he is, he presses deep-seated evolutionary buttons that can compromise any woman's good judgment (entire books have been written on that, so that's a topic for a different day). Those feelings happen at an unconscious level -- there's not much she can do about that. But woe betide her if she acts on those feelings and tries to shoehorn Mr Bad Boy -- custom-made by nature to be an excellent fling and passable boyfriend -- into the life partner/husband slot.
Now Sandra, Jennifer and Elin are smart, decent women with lots of options. To think that somehow you, my dear reader, are better than those ladies and would never fall into the same trap is not only a mistake, but a mistake with a name: the fundamental attribution error -- i.e. the notion that bad stuff only happens to other people.
So this article is here to help you spot Bad Boys before you get involved with them. Dating a bad boy is like obesity: solving the problem after it's occurred is costly and ineffective. Prevention works best.
Remember that Bad Boys aren't necessarily bad people, and dating one isn't always the end of the world. They're the dating equivalent of dessert -- part of a healthy, balanced diet that keeps things interesting when consumed sparingly. But if you keep on mistaking your chocolate cake for the meal, that's when you end up fat and sick. Just saying.
A guy doesn't necessarily have to build and race motorcycles or be a womanizing pop star to qualify as a Bad Boy. My definition has less to do with what he does and more with the effect he has on you: overall, he brings more pain to your life than joy. Sure, there will be some good times with the bad boy -- that's why women get involved with them. But the net result tends to be heartache.
That said, here's how to spot them, straight out of Chapter 5 of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Irresistible. In a nutshell, what you're looking out for are extremes of behavior:
1) He moves things along too quickly.
Bad boys tend to make early declarations of affection - genuinely or for effect. They also fall in love easily and have no problem proposing a romantic weekend getaway when they've known you for under 15 minutes.
Looks like: Spontaneity and joie de vivre
Reality: Impulsiveness and trying to get into your pants as swiftly as possible
You get: Plans only made at the last minute; plans cancelled at the last minute; irresponsibility; similarly impulsive overtures to other women.
2) He's just a tad too smooth.
When you first meet him, does he touch you too early and too often? Is he whispering in your ear? Is he overly generous with his compliments? Does he attempt to take you away from your friends and get you alone? Is he always subtly (or blatantly) pushing the boundary of what's appropriate and comfortable? Is he telling stories that seem too well-rehearsed and designed to aggrandize him, impress you, and get you worked up? Is there a lot of showmanship going on? Once you've started dating, are his excuses for marginal behavior all too plausible? Yup -- you've got yourself a bad boy.
Looks like: Romance! These men know this is the ultimate bait for getting a woman, and therefore use it skillfully and without apology.
Reality: Too good to be true is almost always exactly that. Deliberately seductive behavior usually means you're dealing with an experienced player.
You get: sexual infidelity (and disease); unreliability; rapid emotional detachment once he's gotten what he wants from you.
3) Thrillseeking behavior.
He rides a motorcycle -- a big Harley, actually. He skydives, takes all kinds of drugs, drinks a lot, goes out five times a week or more, and generally looks for the adrenaline rush.
Looks like: Excitement you want to be a part of.
Reality: Although many grown, responsible men take calculated risks, chronic thrillseeking heralds immaturity and recklessness.
You get: worry; genuine fear; loneliness as he goes off on his jaunts; infidelity; irresponsibility; run-ins with the law.
4) Devil-may-care attitude.
He lives by his own rules -- and only by his own rules. He dresses like he wants, works when he wants, eats what he wants, says what he wants.
Looks like: Fierce independence.
Reality: Antisocial behavior, which will inevitably extend to you as well.
You get: Inability to make plans, or broken plans when he does make them; verbal abuse; insensitivity to your feelings and desires; financial distress.
5) Studied physical appearance.
A stylish man is good to find. However, you can tell if a man has spent more time than normal on his appearance for effect. Too disheveled goes in the same category as too slick: extremes are what you're watching out for. Heavy cologne is a tip-off.
Looks like: Style, baby, style.
Reality: Narcissism and vanity.
You get: Player tendencies; mistreatment; self-absorption.
6) Evasiveness.
When a man is evasive -- especially about dating, the women in his life, the length of relationships and such -- beware. He may be doing it for sport, but chances are he has something to hide. Good relationships are based on honesty, trust and respect. Chronic evasiveness precludes all three, so this is an inauspicious start to things.
Looks like: Mystery and intrigue.
Reality: Skeletons in the closet.
What you're signing up for: Unreliability, mistrust, lies.
7) Lack of consideration.
Did he ask you out far enough in advance so you'd be able to make plans? Did he call to say he was going to be late? Did he open your car door for you? Did he offer to pay when he invited you out? Did he ask about your sick cat? How about your sick grandmother? How about when you were sick? Does he offer you his coat when you look cold? I'm belaboring the point here, which is this: you know what consideration looks like, and it's different from when a guy's being a jerk to you. Any one of these things is not a big deal, but a bunch of them happening in close succession is a sign.
Looks like: Non-conformity, roguish independence.
Reality: You're dealing with a jerk.
You get: see Devil-may-care attitude above.
So if you're looking for fulfilling relationships, know what you want, know what you're getting yourself into, and check to see if they match up. In the long run, it's the formula for less pain and more joy.
To have a brilliant dating life (and avoid bad boys successfully), get The Tao of Dating, the best damn dating book for women written by a guy who knows guys
Get the full, unabridged version of this list with 3 more items at the Tao of Dating blog
Write to me directly
Follow Dr. Ali Binazir on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrAliBinazir
Bonnie Fuller: Sandra, Stop Hiding! Here's How to Get Sweet Revenge!
Scott Barry Kaufman, Ph.D.: Bad Boys Have Lower Standards
Sandra Bullock - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Sandra Bullock, Jesse James Lawyer Up | TMZ.com
Girl No. 3 claims affair with Sandra Bullock's hubby
Jesse James, hubby who allegedly cheated on Sandra Bullock, offered $500K to ...
""I was a bolter," she told Vogue in March. "I would get so scared because my idea of marriage was not a very pleasant one. And now I look at it in a different way. I threw away what society's version of it was and I went, 'Why does it have to be anyone else's version but mine?'" "
http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,1083855,00.html
"Sandra Bullock Signed Prenup In 2005"
http://www.ecanadanow.com/entertainment/2010/03/27/sandra-bullock-signed-prenup-in-2005/
She took a calculated risk and cra.pped out. Just because she is deeply hurt doesn't she didn't know it could happen.
Yes there may have been obvious clues, but Mr. Bullock took the same vows she did, and putting the onus on her with an expanded version of 'Bad Boys will be Bad Boys' is basically saying, well he's just couldn't help himself and she should have known better.
She should have known better, and some of these bad boys need to grow up.
I will say, though, every time I read about another fairytale Hollywood marriage going down the tubes, I give thanks for my 'boring', dependable hubby.
Your post implies that HE is responsible for her behavior.
What did she do wrong? She married him. Has she been having numerous affairs? What is she responsible for?
But, because he is inherently a bad boy, she should expect that he can't control himself and adhere to an agreement that, we assume, he entered into willingly.
Did she have her eyes open? Probably not, but Binazir is giving women the benefit of his wisdom about how to avoid bad boys, and I have to wonder, has he written another article taking his own gender to task for clinging to their wanderlust even after they have commited outwardly to a monogamous relationship?
So, again, what part of "bad boy" did Sandra not understand? She understood all of it. She chose to be with him, anyway. That's fine. It's her business and her life. I do find it interesting, though, that she used the term "had her back," if she really used it. I've waited on her at a restaurant I worked in some fourteen, fifteen years ago. She was very "protected" by her father, who shielded her from customers and slipped her into and out of the restaurant. Maybe, Jesse's bad boy persona gave her that same feeling of being shielded? Hmm.
Sleeping with the Enemy. She leaves her abusive husband to end up in a fully furnished, beautiful home, while working as a library assistant to pay the rent. Sure. Oh, and right next door is Prince Charming, who will save her from being killed by her crazed husband. Sure.
Grease. "You better shape up because I need a man, and my heart is set on you," Sandy sings, after changing her appearance so that she is more appealing to Danny. Enough said.
Pretty Woman. A prostitute is picked up off the streets by a very rich man, who ends up falling in love with her and spending his money to buy her clothes, diamond, a make over, and, PRESTO, she's beautiful, and, therefore, now a lady to be awed. So many issues with this...So little time to discuss them all.
My Granma once said love begins in the heart and radiates outward. If you're lucky, the signal is strong enough to reach your head and your - "well you know". A relationship that begins in the "well you know" region might radiate upwards to the heart, but it rarely reaches your head....and if it does, the message might be scrambled! If the relationship begins in your head ( a crush on your college professor) it might reach the heart, but hopefully not the "well you know" regions... This always meant alot to me. I've always thought relationships are TCS - Togetherness (heart), communication (head) and "well you know". The ones worth keeping are always all THREE!! THanks to Granma for that advice!
Men are SMART to take an honest look at women. Women are FOOLS to think they can change men.
Men marrying women hoping they'll never change and women marrying men expecting to change them.
Like that's anything new in human relationships.
A husband isn't a human being with needs and feelings to many women...he is one check off the box....husband, house, car, job, kids, etc.
And they are more than willing to look past the reality of the man, not caring or figuring she'll change him.
Well, since I'm commenting on this, I'm also going to lament the fact that many people are now going to be associating these gross people with tattoos. Sigh.
Maybe we should turn the problem around and ask why bad boys are attracted to good girls?
I suppose getting your heart stomped hard by a bad boy (or a bad girl--let's be fair, they can do the same in reverse) is part of learning how to discern people and their intentions. A lesson best learned early, but too often learned...too often.
You are not a woman who made a choice. You are a prize that he won.
And the difference between a "good" girl and a bad one is that you made him work and pay for it?
Women allow their emotional needs, a lot of which are psychological linked to home, habits, cultural brainwashing, etc. to blind them to their real needs.
Girls and women need to stop running after guys, ditch those ridiculous years-long college relationships etc. and start looking out for their own talents to create a great life for themselves, instead of I want a boyfriend, a baby and a house. He'll make me feel good/beautiful/sexy/slim/loved blah blah blah. As you say, it's a phantom image.
Females need to be taught to take care of themselves first, establish their own criteria for a mate after they've had some life experience and know what they truly want out of life.
When they're ready with their heads screwed on right, their minds bright and shining, they know where they're going and their bank accounts are significant, and they feel good about who they are, then they can pay "serious" attention to the males. Then they generally attract the right types.
http://goodinred.blogspot.com/
(my thoughts)
One thing that also gets forgotten is how to spot a good man or woman for a relationship. A guide to to spotting positive qualities-- based on character, not income or exceptional physical looks, is needed for people's relationship education. For example, the skills of communication, empathy, compassion and understanding are important qualities to spot. Men and women can be addicted to being attracted to 'bad' men and women, and part of doing differently is not only to spot and avoid the bad men and women but also be able to identify and learn to be attracted to good ones.
Being attracted to good partners isn't chemistry and magic. It can take personal work on oneself to develop that interest in a good partner. I know this from my own personal experiences as well as in my professional work. The chemistry and magic comes out of developing an honest relationship rather than from projecting what one wishes on a stranger.