Taking a gander at this week's news, we've seen an ample share of finger pointing, and forecasts of more gloom to come. Catchy phrases like "double dip recession" pepper the national and international news. Sure, amping up fear buys readership, just as surely as playing the blame game. Exploiting what raises our blood pressure sells. The question is: are we using the same unhealthy approach in our own lives? Check out where you've been in the last two weeks to find out. Identify the central challenge you've been facing. How have you interpreted your circumstance or condition? What story have you been telling yourself? Here are a few examples, to get you started:
- A woman from Nepal tells me that it is her fault that her 21-year old-daughter died from Leukemia, saying: "If I'd been a better mother she wouldn't have gotten sick." Really?
- Seven-year-old Alex, whose family is from Mexico, tells himself the story that if " ... it weren't for me, my mother wouldn't have left us. I should have cleaned up my room." Really? Is this really why mama left Dodge?
- Mario, a 34-year-old man from Sicily confides: " ... the reason I never hold down a job is that my bosses are all jerks." Really?
Martin, a father in tears, whose five-year-old daughter, Isabella, is in critical care for a complicated pnemonia, tells the nurse: "If I didn't work two jobs and were home more, Bella wouldn't have gotten sick." Is that so?
Maybe your situation seems tamer, by comparison. Perhaps your move, which was reputed to take one day, has taken five or more for the movers to get the job done. Or you may have found yourself waiting for Quest to show up on the appointed day, but they were "no shows." Maybe your merchant sales system has failed and you've been unable to collect payment for two weeks for services rendered, and your phone system has gone so haywire that your friends, family, and business contacts believe you've fallen off the face of the planet. Hey, maybe the painter who promised to have your home repainted in four days has turned into a 32-day project, and he's still not finished. Could be that that household furniture you ordered which was due three weeks ago, has not arrived, and you are now standing for your meals because there's no place to sit down, with the exception of your haunches.
Sound unreal? I'd agree, except that the fact is that the last paragraph has been our experience since my last piece here on the HP. Since then, our move to an island, as well as my offices across the lake, has been the genesis of all sorts of nonsense. The fact is that all these little unexpected twists and turns have given me pause. When you're in "surround sound," juggling unforeseen situations that each require immediate attention in order to handle, what we call in healthcare, "activities of daily living," there's a very real opportunity for scrutiny, and dare I say it, growth!
Three Essential Questions You Must Ask Yourself to Get Back into the Flow of Life.
- Are you making matters worse by the story you're telling?
As author of your story, are you weaving the tale in a way that's making matters worse for little old you? Because if you are, my friend, you are turning your body and mind into a toxic waste dump. Not that you'd be alone! I've had my own share of connecting dots that have no business being connected. Sure, I can dwell on the man from Quest, or the painter, or the furniture delivery guy, or the furniture company, or the movers, who did not do what they agreed to do. I can plummet into a curmudgeonly diatribe about how "people don't keep their word anymore." I can stomp my feet and let a hissy fit go on far too long. But as long as I tell myself the story, like Mario, that the other guy is the jerk, does this really solve the problem before us? Coming into solution is inversely related to assigning blame.
- Is the story I'm telling myself true?
I'll bet that the painter, the mover, Quest guy, and the guy in Merhant Sales for Bank of America that didn't return phone calls for over a week, have someone in their lives who love them. I'll bet that every single person they know would not agree with the "jerk diagnosis." When we suffer disappointment, almost all of us fall into the unproductive pit of personalizing what is not personal. If you want to feel better, the nanosecond you find yourself personalizing, knock it off. Forgive yourself for being human. Bless yourself for having the intelligence to grow from what's happening. For more on this, bookmark July 21st, and check out "Revising Your Story," a part of the "Coming Home to Yourself Program," at carabarker.net.
- What is going on right now?
The way you interpret the happenings in your life carries tremendous power. Depending on the way you tell your story, you either destroy well-being in the moment, or heal it.
If I want to move forward with maximum ease, tranquility, joy and love, I do well to ask myself the following that Ezra Bayda puts this way:
"What is going on RIGHT NOW?"
I love this question, which is not only a Buddhist inquiry, but shows up in all forms of meditation, cross-culturally. If you practice asking yourself this question every day, in all sorts of daily situations, you will find gold awaiting. For one, you will notice that what is going on has little to do with what you believe. Discovering this one gift provides the "Truth that sets you free." Who doesn't want that these days? You do want to have more joy in your life, right? You certainly deserve it. You are one of the Love Project's finest expressions. Trust me.
So, my friend, what IS going on right now? What's helped you release the unproductive stories you tell yourself? What helps you get back into the flow of your life, when you've gotten stuck? What prolongs your stay in the Land of Stuckness? What would you suggest to those who are just getting started? What might you say to the individuals who graciously shared their stories here?
Please note that by mid July, you may explore "Revising Your Story," a part of the "Coming Home to Yourself Program," at carabarker.net. Check the Shopping Cart there after 7/21/10, for this, and a special Teleconference Autumn 2010, in response to reader requests. Drop by and bring your friends. Follow Dr. Cara Barker on Twitter.com/Dr.CaraBarker
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BB
You are a girl after my own heart! The whole social network thing befuddles me. Or, is it that the garden intrigues me more, especially pre-dawn. Like the gems in nature, I am endlessly impressed with the exquisite hearts and clear minds of those who show up, week after week, and take the time to make a difference, like you. I am so glad you are with us. Your Light is bright, and what you call 'blunt' to me is nothing short of splendid honesty.
May infinite blessings come to your door,
Cara
P.S. You've made my Monday!
And you my friend never cease to amaze me...looked at your bio, so busy and yet take time to answer each and every one.
{hug}
Welcome back, I missed you. Sorry that your move turned into a logistical nightmare. I hope you love your new home.
What's going on right now? Sun is shining. It's time to go to the pool to swim laps. I can do anything I want to afterwords because I don't have any obligations on my time. It's been six months since I had to be anywhere at a particular time and it's nice to have this opportunity.
My story is that I no longer have to spend my hours for dollars. My hours are mine to do with as I wish. College starts in 39 days and I'll be a 48 year old freshman with a major in music technology. I'd be a senior if I chose to continue with aviation technology which I've slowly worked on during the last 30 years. But that no longer interests me. I get to live my dreams and it's freakin' awesome. It's like a second adulthood. 1sr semester homework will be practicing guitar and piano and studying music fundamentals. That's not work. That's playing. Yay!
huge hug.
little brother
I missed you, too, my friend. How happy I am for you! In fact, my toes are dancing along with my heart at the very prospect of what you've claimed for yourself, and the results that are flowering. Ican't wait for your C.D. to come out. Sign me up as your first buyer.
Please know that whatever I can do to support your success in this new chapter, I am fully on board. It takes great courage and clarity to follow your heart as you are doing. What a wonderful model to those shirking in the wings. For me, Life, real Life, is all about 'taking it on,' the whatever the Heart and Soul of Us nudges us to explore.
For me, right now, this has meant following my heart, and attending monkey mind with all his hissy fits. As we speak, I'm looking out the window into a splendid Zen garden. I am so grateful: for it, for you, for what is moving through us as new life.
Peace be yours, and oodles of love,
Cara
I just love you. Isn't it funny what we tend to create to find the Middle Path? Somedays seem a drama, others, a trauma, but it really gets down to a comedy, and then, not even that. Leting go, letting go, letting go, breathing in, breathing in, breathing in. Blessings abound. One of them is known by the name Arithrianos.
Sweet things your way, my friend,
Cara
What you point out so eloquently is that neither despair, nor hope, should focus upon our role in causes and outcomes. We have very little if any role, ... even in those things which seem so directly connected.
As you know, I had a daughter who died at 20, ... after treatment for pneumonia, secondary to the flu, ... which I am fairly certain I shared with her from my patients at the hospital where I worked. Vaccines had run short, ... and Christmas week was spent by both of us with fever, aches, and then pneumonia. We both went on an antibiotic, ... and it caused her heart to stop in her sleep, while mine beats to this day. Early on I worried, but in the end my "story" of cause would not bring her back and might not have been avoidable at all.
(continuing, with your indulgence and my thanks)
I will address whatever you've added to this below (I haven't read it yet,) but simply MUST tell you that I thought of you and your daughter very strongly on Tuesday, the 6th, as I placed flowers on my son's grave for his birthday 38 years ago. Somehow, I felt your strong Light.
I remember what you shared some time ago, quite vividly. My heart is with you. Only this week, I sat with parents of a dying child whose name was taken off the transplant list. You know, as few do, what this means for them up ahead, though no one's journey is identical.
Meanwhile, know that I am so, so grateful to see you here. It's been quite a long time, but never have I forgotten. In fact, I think it's about time to break out those wristbands for The Love Project!
Love, and listening,
Cara
Famous poem by Tagore, translated by someone I know..
Touch my heart with your firestone and
Let my life be sanctified with its blaze
Elevate my soul and
Let it be the light in your house of gods
Let your music lustre the flame day and night
Your touch kindles new stars in the dark
Let darkness be removed from my sight and
Light shines everywhere
Let my sufferings be flamed aloft
BB
I see the world in different ways now. I work to see the world more as she might have, had she lived to be an older lady. I've changed some notions, ... forgiven more, and enjoyed things of beauty I had forgotten to appreciate for years before she died. Good lessons from a brave lady.
When we write our stories in darkness, fearing the worst, and allowing anger and despair to overwhelm us, ... we abandon the very best parts of why we loved, and worked, and cared at all. It is our natural inclination at times, ... but when we overcome the smaller things that come to vex us, ... the larger things become more manageable.
My hope is that you will share your view from the island, both that which you see with your eyes wide open from your home, ... and that which you see even with your eyes closed, as it truly becomes your new home. The latter is the view I hope most to hear, ... once these other pesky problems fade from sight.
Be Well,
David
First, there is no indulgence needed whatsoever in hearing from you. I relate to every single word and space between your words. Brave lady indeed, who now teaches me lessons, and anyone else here taking notes.
Listen, my friend, anytime you are up in the Pacific Northwest, you let me know. (The next four months, however, I will be off my foot due to a necessary foot surgery 7/28.) Outside of that zone, I'd love to welcome you to the island (Bainbridge Island) so that you can enjoy what we've found. I somehow know your girl would have loved it like my son.
Peace and blessings, fueled by love,
Cara
With a sister in Everett, and two in Marysville, I have almost no excuse at hand!
As for the taste of your son and my daughter for the comfort of the earth, ... I know they would have loved it at your new location. She called herself "Rain", ... and I can think of no more comfortable place she might have visited one day than that corner of America. She once wrote in her diary : "Some do not like the rain, ... but when I walk in it, It refreshes me. "
As I said, ... good teacher.
Wear your "funny boot" as long as the doctor insists. Our feet bear us when no one else can or will. Feet up, ... rest, ... and recover with our collective blessings my friend!
Be well, ... and Welcome Home!
Rabindranath Tagore
On the seashore of endless worlds children meet.
The infinite sky is motionless overhead and the restless water is boisterous. On the seashore of endless worlds the children meet with shouts and dances.
They build their houses with sand, and they play with empty shells. With withered leaves they weave their boats and smilingly float them on the vast deep. Children have their play on the seashore of worlds.
They know not how to swim, they know not how to cast nets. Pearl-fishers dive for pearls, merchants sail in their ships, while children gather pebbles and scatter them again. They seek not for hidden treasures, they know not how to cast nets.
The sea surges up with laughter, and pale gleams the smile of the sea-beach. Death-dealing waves sing meaningless ballads to the children, even like a mother while rocking her baby's cradle. The sea plays with children, and pale gleams the smile of the sea-beach.
On the seashore of endless worlds children meet. Tempest roams in the pathless sky, ships are wrecked in the trackless water, death is abroad and children play. On the seashore of endless worlds is the great meeting of children.
There are no treasures hidden from us that matter. Children know that, and may forget as they grow older. When they begin to seek the treasures of the world, ... the sea will not sing to them at all any longer. It will be a place of treasures they believe hidden, ... when all along they knew them, and simply forgot.
The Poem is by Tagore, Nobel Laureate , in lit. 1913. My favorite author, his works, poetries, novels have been translated in many languages and is available in any public library,
BB
Cara
You are a jewel in the heart of the lotus.
Peace, love and blessings be with you and yours,
Cara
This was a special day to just be with what is and a need to meditate - to stop and accept
your humility in how you relate to people here is heartwarming!
Big Hugs,
Ed
Yes, dear ones, today, Right NOW, is always the best chew. Your Light inspires enjoyment of the Chew.
Much love,
Cara
P.S. If you come to see Vicki, let me know...we've moved to the main island!
It seems a lot is going on for you. Think about it: to build a house right into the waves - who could ask for anything more?
Isn't that what we must all strive for 24/7? :-)
Which brings me back to the question: what is going on for you right now? I'm listening!
Love and laughter,
Cara
It's very interesting that you ask just at this moment what's going on right now for me. The reason it's funny is because I was just thinking about how our views of the past and of the future impact what we are willing to see in the present - when your post came along.
The upshot is - I think - that sometimes there's a good reason why we have difficulty telling what's going on right now. The reason is that sometimes staying true to the facts requires to rethink not only what we see - and report it truthfully - but also to rethink the past and even the future. This may seem like a bit of magical thinking, but I'm really only referring to changes in perspectives and paraphrase. Those 'moves' don't change the world - but they change a lot about how we see it, used to see it, and plan to see it. And sometimes - precisely when it's hard to answer the question 'what is going on right now' - we need to change and adjust them all at once. Which can be tricky.
I am not a Buddhist , but strive to be ethically one...
The other site became so volatile i had to walk away from it , while you were responding very calmly , I couldn`t...that`s why I say always strive to be a Buddhist.
What a gift you are. So truthful,brave, growing. It is a pleasure to find you here. Do drop by again. I'm learning from you.
Are you willing to say more about the 'strive to be ethically one...'? There are so many paths and whichever we are on is the right one for us.
With admiration and love,
Cara
From a very early age, my daughter has shared this sort of experience, and it has shaped her work in the world. When she worked at a center (several of them) for the marginalized, she made it a practice to collect the unsold items from Starbucks, wrap them up with little notes to the tenants of her facilities, who had been reclaimed from the street, and do what she could. So many ways of serving, so much need.
Your heart is wise. What is most helpful when you are crying on the inside? What would you say to someone else experiencing this?
So much love and gratitude your way, my friend,
Cara
As for the quote, it is perfect for this topic. Beautiful, as is your heart. I'm listening for your answer.
Peace, joy and blessings your way,
Cara
That night something strange happened. I could hear each of my breath coming in and gioing out very distinct. Then came a point where my breath slowed down yet each breath was very clear. I could also hear my heart beat which also slowed down.( Mind you I dd not have any medtitation training before that and Buddha was never on my mind) Then my breath became so slow that I could just stop breathing which I did. When the breath stopped so did the heartbeat. There was a moment of darkness as if someone switched off the light. After a while a light appeared, I felt very light as if I have been carrying a bag of cement and just discarded it.
I saw inside the light something wonderful and my vow to take care of my mother was the reason I return from the light through the darkness and into my "self". Took the first breath and hear my heart beat again. After that experienced I became naturally inclinded towards Buddhism after reading a book from a Buddhist temple library which my mother frequent. I learned that my feelings for those suffering is call compassion. By the right until now after that experience I have no fear of death at all.
I complained officially, someone found me over there, and posted unfortunate statements, after I left the site a couple of days ago...perhaps no one would pay attention but , I did and would do the same in future.
Peace we all are striving for.
it is true, minds attitude determines your lifes latitude. i find myself getting stuck when i feel i have limited options or have a sense of over whelm, and each of them is my viewpoint, nothing inhently personal about either situation. wow i just worked something out while i am writing this. omg its REALLY REALLY not personal! even the limited options i still have a choice! overwhelm its just a state of mind but i can work out of it step by step. i CAN be proactive. wow i never use caps, but i had to this time! wow i havent been able to rub two brain cells together to get a spark since i hit my head. thx doc, where do i send the check?
happiness and hugs,
pema
As for your journey, and your way of tracking this most recent injury challenge, I am awed. What a blessing it is to be a companion as you move into the flow of healing. Truly, I am very, very happy foryou. And, listen, what you can pull off with ahead injury is something so spectacular that most without could never dream of. Make sure you save your notes and trackings. They just might turn out to be the gold.
Say more: how are You doing? I'm listening. As for choice, it is always with us, no matter what.
Much love,
Cara
i am sneaking in as my puter is threatening to crash and i egearly await my new mac....(i feel like one of those cartoon villians when they greedly rub their fingers together, eyes darting to and fro waiting for something to happen)
this is my first trek back to the net in a few days, and i wanted to say ty for such kind words, and i am doing better, i started seeing a chiro. and already i feel much brighter ....he is doing wonders. its perfect, hes my nieghbor so i get there in 30 seconds!
happiness!
pema
I think point 2 is especially important for the world as it deals with empathy, a good metaphor for this is road rage. There are drivers who get mad at people who do ANYTHING that impedes their movement; when in the car with these drivers I always wonder if they are actually driving perfectly or if these tiny mistakes are made by all people on the road sometimes (I'm leaning heavily towards the latter).
That being said, every once in awhile - someone just seriously cannot drive.
First, I've just got to say it: love the screen name! You must have quite a spirited heart.
As for your comments, I cannot help but agree. With the road rage page, I often imagine that these folks had a hard time dealing with the fact of gravity when they woke up, and the rest of the day has just been downhill!
So, Snuggles, how did you come to your way of thinking? Who/what influenced you the most? I'm listening!
Cara
We're all people living on this earth, hence we all have bad things happen to us and our own problems (I have been blessed that I'm not facing any true difficulties in my life). And it's up to us to decide how we want to deal with them, we can either absorb the problems and keep trucking along or we can reflect them back into the world. I've always thought road rage is a good example of this - everyone who has driven has at least once forgotten to signal while changing lanes or some other such thing AND everyone has suffered the ill effects of someone doing the same. Some of us, who understand that everyone else like us makes mistakes, just keep driving - and some of us act as if this is some sort of personal affront.
While I have a doctorate, I'm by no means a doctor (J.D.), but I would hazard to believe that its much healthier to be in the first category. As for the avatar name, it's my cat's name, my then-girlfriend wanted to name him Snuggles and I said okay, so long as it's DOCTOR Snuggles.
Thanks for reminding me about the story I've been telling. For one thing, it ain't true. I have been stuck lately and thankyou for reminding me to get out of my own way and to tell the real story.
My uncle and I came across this calf who was stuck up to its belly in the mud of the irrigation ditch.
It was really stuck. We pulled it out with the pickup truck. It was a hot Montana summer day the Mission Mountains loomed above us. It was a good day. We had saved an animal.
I've been stuck in the mud and you have helped pull me out. And you know what? Those same Mission Mountains are still there and still beautiful.
Peace on you and your new island home!
Bill
One request: when I'm stuck in the mud, will you and uncle come to my rescue? How might I send my S.O.S.?
Love to you and the calf,
Cara
I think the summer heat is making most of us on the East Coast feel stuck! Stuck and melting like wax in the sun.
Sometimes we all have to "cool off" to get unstuck. I find that taking a walk alone somewhere in Nature helps me to "clear the cobwebs" of my mind and I usually talk to myself- fairly loud! I talk out the problem, and often come back home feeling much better! ")
What helps your kids during the heat?
Know that I've missed you while I've been away. Much love and gratitude,
Cara
This post is such a gift. What is going on for me right now is that I am breathing. The end of my day. Winding down to pick up my latest novel which I am really enjoying. Grateful for having had tea just now with my neighbour. Appreciating a cool breeze on what has been a hot day. Letting my mind go blank and relax.
Taking a moment to be grateful is a good way for me to get unstuck. And breathe deeply. I hope you get all happily moved in very soon... !
With big love and blessings to you,
Anne