We may live 150 miles from Forks, Washington, the setting for the Twilight Series' "New Moon," but we're hardly free from vampires. Neither are you. At least, when it comes down to 'Vampire Thinking.' Maryde, a native of the Pacific Northwest and 43-year-old C.P.A. has first-hand knowledge of this subject! When she came for a consultation a month ago, she put it this way: "I need to ward off my yearly pre-holiday attacks of self-recrimination, and self-criticism. I need to get 'my mind right' so the blood-suckers leave me alone!"
What is 'Vampire Thinking'? Vampires feed on the vulnerable, draining the susceptible of vitality and connection to the heart's desire. The roots of the very word, 'vampire,' go back to 1734, which refers to the "corpse that comes to life at night, seeking nourishment by sucking the blood of sleeping persons, preying upon others." When we've fallen 'asleep,' and are on 'automatic pilot,' we, like Maryde in year's past, become prey.
Let me give you a few examples: The 'inner vampire' goes into a feeding frenzy wherever we've left our dreams and desires unguarded. In an uncanny way, 'it' sniffs out the possibility for new life, and gobbles up whatever 'blood' is needed. Consider the last time you had the tiniest inkling to bring something alive in your life, yet it vanished before there was time for it to be nourished.
By way of example, just today my own 'vampire-ness' took a bite out of my urge to write this, saying: "Why bother? Who cares? You've written enough over the past 15 months. You don't get paid, anyway. The world can go on with one less article." Fortunately, we all know what it means to be under self-attack, the domain of the vampire. We are not alone.
How Can We Fight Back? Biting 'the Inner Vampire' back is a matter of refocusing on what you do want to create that will promote a balanced life, and restore inner peace. Thanks to HP reader, Retrofuturistic, we have an example of where to begin. Responding to last week's "The Art of Rewriting the Holidays," the reader shared: "I wish I didn't feel the obligation to celebrate any holidays. I am absolutely not a Christian, yet I am trapped by the traditions of my family and expectations that I myself have created into jumping through all the Christmas hoops.
I would rather skip all holidays. And then if I wanted to buy someone a present, or have a picnic, or pass out some candy, I could do it, without the cultural and commercial imperatives attached to it."
There you have it. Let's refocus. What if we practiced removing attention from what drains us, and choose to take proactive steps towards what revitalizes? In Maryde's case, I asked her to list all the 'shoulds, oughts,' and conventions which have seduced her away from her own well-being. She did so. Like Retrofuturistic, tops on her list were jumping through family holiday hoops by "trying too hard, spending too much, and trying to please everyone, even the psychic vampires!" She added "holiday parties."
Vampire Thinking has a field day with us during the holidays! Sometimes it shows up in external forms, as draining, needy people. Sometimes it is internal. Women can be especially at risk, in ways men might not understand. (Sorry, guys, but this tends to be the case more times than not.) How many times have you heard a girlfriend, or the friend staring back at you in the mirror, exclaim: "I don't want to go to that party. I'm too fat. I have nothing to wear that doesn't make me look like a cow." Or, "I probably will go dateless on New Year's Eve. I hate my life!"
In men, the vampire's more likely to appear in chatter that sounds like this: "I never get it right. No matter what gift I give her, it's not the right one. I'm lousy at gifts, and just wait for the last minute, hoping the whole obligation will just go away. I start out knowing I'll blow it."
Gender aside, the vampire depletes vitality when it insists we violate our own boundaries, and go where it's unhealthy. Beneath the public smile may lurk the private thought, like Maryde's, such as: "I don't want to go because my mother/father/sister/brother fill-in-the-blank, is always such a pain in the a--. It's just a matter of time before they are drinking too much/arguing too much/talking religion/politics/fill-in/the-blank-too much...So-and-so is never grateful...."
Just in case you're Vampire Thinking hasn't shown up by this Thanksgiving, stand guard for Black Friday, or CyberMonday. Our 'Vampire' rejoices at our craving the 'more,' when the less is so enriching. Consider these wise words voiced by Angie Cordero, another reader to whom I'm indebted, whose pledge against the Vampire is to:
"Be more, buy less.
Listen more, talk less.
Chew more, eat less.
Walk more, drive less.
Laugh more and de-stress."
I don't know about you, but I'm taking on this chant for myself this year!
8 Measures We Can Take to Prevent the Vampire from Feeding Off Us.
Maryde reports today that doing the following has successfully launched her holiday season. Likewise, they can work for you. Start with selecting a buddy, and sharing
findings from each step.
1. Make your own list of oughts, shoulds, and conventions.
2. Slow down. Cross off your list those activities/feelings you
wish to give a rest. Turn them into opposites. Maryde reversed
"trying to do too much" to "striving to do the minimum, one
action that most matters to me."
3. Jot down any stressors, and put them in a jar. Fasten with a lid.
What is un-named cannot be contained.
4. Be Still, Listen. Is it your heart or Vampire that's speaking? Practice
Discernment.
5. Choose only actions which restore vitality, and full-hearted living. Refrain from what drains.
6. Start acknowledging your own 'Truth that sets you free." '
7. Consider meditation. If sitting meditation puts you to sleep, research
alternative forms, such as engaged meditation. One of my favorites is Process Painting, which I've taught for years as a way of reconnecting
with what liberates.
8. Begin and end each day thanking what's greater than ego for another opportunity to participate in Creation today.
If you're not already a Fan, consider becoming one and while you're at it, please feel free to share this post with others by posting this to your FB page, Linked-in, and other social networks. Let us know what helps you take 'a bite' out of your own Vampire???????
A blessed Thanksgiving to you and yours. I am so grateful to you. Love, Cara
Follow Dr. Cara Barker on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrCaraBarker
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The holiday season seems to be designed to awaken our inner vampire and enable vampiric friends and family members. Awareness and a plan really does serve to help get me through the pitfalls but it's my amazing 17 year old who really sweeps me through. When he was 12, I remarked to him that I'd like to cut drama out of my life and since that day, when he'd see me dealing with someone or stressing, he'd put his hand over mine and say "breathe ... no drama mama". Often, he'd catch me before I got caught up in the drama and his constant vigilance alerted me to the signs that he was seeing.
By other people's standards, this year should be our most difficult holiday season yet. Money is tighter than it's been in our 30 year marriage because my husband was laid off last Dec. and is now attending college so this year, we literally will not be gifting anything that needs to be paid for but we're so blessed to already have everything anyone really needs. I have a true partner in my husband and my boys are both a joy and fill our lives with laughter. I'm looking forward to the season and I'm ready to leap over the potholes (and to stop and fill a few of 'em) because I know they're there and I'm ready for them.
Breathe in, breathe out... purposeful breathing and laughter works wonders
So many of us are shaking our heads in agreement with you. This is an endless project, isn't it, to rearrange our thinking when it no longer serves us!
Here's my hope: that this year is a brand new beginning for you, one in which Vampire Thinking, that would otherwise steal the juiciness of the season, takes a holiday itself!
Peace and blessings, along with a large measure of gratitude,
Cara
What a wonderful and necessary post. Thank you, and for showing up again. You never know when your words may touch a vital spot in someone.
That inner vampire person needs our compassion every day I think, maybe also a little gratitude because it can be a trigger to greater love and self-caring. And more of that is always a very good thing!
With best love and blessings to you,
Anne
Much love your way, Anne,
Cara
Now that we met you are not just an efriend but an a face to face friend.
I love this blog and find it necessary and timely.
we all have encountered vampires in our life and there are all sorts of neurosis trpes we encounter. As Arithianos said well compassion is the key.
BE THE CHANGE
Ed
I cannot tell you in words, for I lack them, just how meaningful a blessing it was for me to spend an afternoon with you, break bread, and recall, together, what we are experiencing through this HP adventure. That life is rich is the understatement.
You are truly 'Being the Change.' Peace, joy, and blessings to you and yours,
Cara
Two thoughts came to mind while reading this. When you asked "How can we fight back?" it made me think of a different approach that has worked for me at times. (introduced to me by a wise teacher) What about observing that inner vampire and inviting her in and asking her a few questions? I agree with Arithrianos - vampires of all kinds need compassion, especially the inner ones. From a place of compassion, we can deal a little better with the outer ones.
I tried to meditate for years, but found myself falling asleep so often, it seemed silly. That was until I tried meditating with the guidance of a teacher who taught a form of meditation where you keep your eyes open. I always thought of meditation as a way to calm down, but instead, it has become for me, a way to wake up in so many ways. Falling asleep was my way of avoiding what was inside.
Usedtobequiet
I'm sooooooooo glad to hear from you. Frankly, I was wondering if you were O.K.!
Your suggestions are a real contribution. It does all get down to compassion. My experience is, however, that sometimes we have to find a way of re-establishing safety and space to have that visit with the uncomfortable. The method you are using truly brings results, in my experience. Carl Jung referred to it as "active imagination." Very few days go by when I don't practice it, because it 'works.'
May your holiday be filled with gratitude from me for you, and every joy,
Cara
On Christmas day, everyone celebrates in their own way in their homes.
I was struck by your descriptions of the inner vampires, and how the inner critic in women said such different things from the inner critic of men. I presume this is based on your professional observation, and find it interesting that both seem to want to be appealing, but in your narrative, both are mistaken about what the other finds appealing. Both seem to be fear based - one worried about Being good enough (the woman in your narrative), and the other about Doing well enough (the man in your narrative). Psychology is not my field, but that seems intuitively to resonate with my experience.
I can't read minds - I don't know what other people are thinking. (At times I'm not sure what I"M thinking!) My usual escape from this mental trap is to tell myself to acknowledge the impulse and then move on.
Happy Thanksgiving, and thanks for the gift of
Your response is very meaningful to me. Thank you for the feelingful way of writing your experience, and the very real details. Not only does it help me, but it offers a frame for others who'd like to launch some course correction.
As for the gender differences, and below the surface desire, yes, this awareness has come form 4 decades in the 'professional trenches' of hearing this privately from thousands. It is amazing to me that this type of narrative continues. The good news is that it is so familiar, that the notion of 'rewriting the story' actually brings results. It does, however take real practice and devotion to do so.
I appreciate you so very much. May your holiday bring peace and joy, for you are surely bringing these qualities to it!
Godspeed,
Cara
I have always been fortunate enough to live in a family that is sufficiently aware of these complications, so that at least defense mechanisms have been set up that work. Still it can be sad, because it's not always what you would really want to happen.
But even to feel what's missing can be enriching, because it puts a face on what to hope for.
I've always been a fan of expanding our family, and our Circle of like souls. Diogenes, I consider you a great blessing in my Circle. Have a marvelous Thanksgiving filled with peace, blessings and wonderful openings.
Cara
I am learning to embrace the inner critic which allows the vampire thoughts to vanish, when I no longer give energy to those thoughts they die.
Blessings dear Cara.
I just love dreams. Even more than them, I adore people who pay attention to them, as sacred text from our soul. Looks like you are 'getting' this vital message: to become the most benevolent mama to you that you can each day. Now, if this isn't a blessing for Thanksgiving, I don't know what it! "She" will walk with you through each day, reminding you of what a beautiful creature you are, indeed. Paying attention to 'Her' as you are, cannot help but walk you through marvelous doors to new life.
You, my dear, inspire me. May Peace and the Blessing of 'Her' love be ever with you,
Cara
Cara
Just last night as I was driving home from work after stopping off for groceries I called my oldest son and asked if he was coming to Thanksgiving dinner. Also he said his girlfriend went back home for the holiday. So he asked if so-and-so or someone -else was going to be there. I told him no, it was just going to be me, my wife, his brother, him and a couple of friends who didn't have other plans. Well, that wasn't good enough. He doesn't want to come because 2 people he doesn't know are going to be there and this used to be a family thing. As my heart sank because my son wasn't coming because I'd invited friends I knew that it was him and not me but that didn't make the disappoingment any easier. I think that was a vampire moment, I let someone down again. How quickly such moments can deflate us like a knife to the sidewall of a tire but how long it takes to re-inflate. But re-inflate I shall and I'm almost there already.
I too adopted Angie Cordero's pledge but went with the two that I need most and will be able to remember:
Listen more, talk less.
Laugh more and de-stress."
Happy Thanksgiving,
little brother
Your work on 'the Path' certainly shows,
Cara
One thought: would your son be interested in gathering with you for your own private Thanksgiving variation on another day? Maybe he has another bridge in mind?
It is a sad, sad thing as a parent, to find that at this time, our kids are holding life smaller than it is.
Meanwhile, I am with you in Spirit. Your family is so blessed to have you,
Cara
Peace, blessings, and a joyous Thanksgiving your way, Arithrianos!
Cara