These are compelling times. Disturbing, sometimes overwhelming, events demands your attention. Phoebe Prince, a 15-year-old Irish immigrant takes her own life, by hanging herself in her closet, and is discovered by her younger sister. Why? Because a gaggle of tormenting geese, in the form of other teenagers, inflicted such cruelty, including two statutory rapes, that this pretty young woman could not stand the suffering anymore. Now, nine girls and boys, at South Hadley High School in Massachusetts, are facing criminal charges, for their egregious behavior. Talk abounds about tightening laws, creating some system for punishment. It is so interesting that when cruelty comes to the fore; our focus seems to dwell on punishment, rather than sourcing prevention.
Across the sea, two so-called "Black Widows," blow themselves, and 39 other innocent commuters up on a Moscow subway. Our Russian brothers and sisters grieve, and reel from their own fear of what might come next. This is the stuff which makes bullying so effective.
More locally, Michigan and Ohio, (and who knows where else), we've got others who've been busy planning the overthrow of the government. Sarah Palin is not the only one talking "lock and reload." Nine wanna-be terrorists decide 'in the name of Christianity' to 'take back the government' by killing a policeman, and then blowing up mourners at the funeral. Jesus must be cringing, and perhaps recalling those Romans over 2000 years ago who decided the only way to save themselves and their 'kingdoms', was to 'level the playing field' and crucify the one who preached the Audacity of Love.
Bullying is not new. Neither is crucifixion. We are in Holy Week, after all. How much more cruelty will be inflicted in the name of God? Emerson "nailed it," when he said:
"Thank God that what most people think God is, isn't." -Emerson
What has shifted, however, is the menu of ways to bully. Take the Internet, for example. Poor Phoebe, along with many, many teens, was a victim of Facebook persecution, which, by the way, has continued on her Memorial page since her death. Let me tell you, this is not an isolated case. Over the past year, alone, as a solo practitioner in private practice, I've met with kids from 10- 17 years old who've felt "on the cross" from bullying. Natalie, a pretty, intelligent, "14 year old new kid on the block" contacted me a number of times because she did not know how to respond to the girls at her school who were snubbing her, calling her the "c" word, and gossiping about her on the Internet. Turns out that three of these bullies were jealous of Natalie because a star basketball player was paying attention to her, rather than the others. Not dissimilar to Phoebe Prince. In Natalie's case, her parents advised her to "just let this roll off your back. These things happen at any age."
So what? Our kids are suffering in exponential ways. Legal reform is hardly the only reform needed. Looking only in that direction focuses upon the "letter of the law," rather than the 'Spirit of the Law.' In this case, I'm talking about the "Law" as that inner Truth that sets you free, regardless the slings and arrows. When bullies bully, they do so because they are in fear of not being "enough," not being "heard, understood, and seen." They are coming from lack. Aligning themselves with mobs, be it in a high school, a terrorist group, or a government, gets down to the same thing. Mobsters feel so irrelevant, so inwardly self-critical and victimized, that they become the persecutor in a sort of faux power play. Their prey, on the other hand, tend to turn inflicted abuse upon themselves, slipping into hopelessness.
What Can Be Done? People who feel good about themselves do not bully anyone, including themselves! Whatever practice does no harm to you or others is fair game. For four decades, I've turned to meditation, both sitting and engaged. Over the past twenty years, I've taught Painting Practice as a means of "Calling Back Your Spirit" to Natalie, and all the 'Natalie's' of every age. We've got to practice Self-honoring, if we are going to do better with others.
Nine Tips:
1. Take what kids tell you to heart. Trust their experience. They need to be heard, to be taken seriously, to know that they are not alone.
2. Notice the kids who seem to be flat-lining, anxious, or upset, whether you know them or not. They are our kids in our village. Let them know you care. (Six weeks ago, I noticed a girl walk down my street, well-past the time school starts, walking in very slow motion with her back-pack. In the garden at the time, I greeted her. "Everything O.K.?" I queried. She looked up from her black hoodie, and mumbled something, to which I attempted to make contact: "Some days are tougher than others, aren't they? I'm having a hard time getting going myself today. Know what I mean?" Long story short, Kathy began to tell me about her home situation, and her confusion about her best friend who's "ditched" her. "That must be so hard on you," I said. The point is that the important thing is not what you say, but that you take the trouble to make contact. No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care. You can't blow it.
3. Establish a daily time to call back your Spirit, making this an unbreakable appointment with yourself.
4. Return to this setting, preferably, at the same time to build a habit.
5. Create beauty in your spot: something to remind you that this is your time for you, add a special object that holds meaning, a photograph of you as a child, a flower, a candle, whatever inspires you.
6. During this period, unplug the phone; let other's know you are "in conference."
7. Trust doing so benefits your loved ones.
(When my daughter was three, and I'd skipped my meditation practice one day, she asked me: "Mama did you 'mekicate' today?" Busted. I was in a fowl mood and had failed to begin the day with "first things first," and she sensed it. I returned to my station, and the day improved. That night, she told me: "Always mekicate, Mama. We're happy then.")
8. Take a class on meditation, or read a nifty little classic by Seattle physician, Herbert Benson entitled The Relaxation Response. There's nothing woo-woo about it. The point is that it works.
9. Consider whatever returns you to your rhythm. For example, drumming is very effective. For more on this, come back next week. You'll be glad you did.
Take the 21 Day Challenge: Practice the following, and let me know how it goes! Instructions: The second you notice yourself bullying yourself, bust yourself! Notice your self-criticism, and pause. Take the thought, whatever it is, and practice the following statements:
• "I forgive myself for bullying myself with the thought.......(fill in)
• "I praise and raise my best self, noticing that what I appreciate about me right now is...................."
What helps you 'Call Back Your Spirit?' What experiences with bullies can you share? It would help so many to know, perhaps even a 'Phoebe' or 'Natalie.'
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Helping Kids Deal With Bullies
Bullying - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Stop Bullying Now! » Home Page
It's My Life . Friends . Bullies | PBS Kids GO!
Bullying Infomation Center | Education.com
Bullying and the Phoebe Prince Case
Does Phoebe Prince school bullying case in Massachusetts reflect political ...
But for those other times when you are in it and can't get out, I find that continually acting like it's nothing seems to work. After a while, it actually becomes nothing to you. It's like when you act happy, you eventually start feeling happy.
I realize that's all a bit simplistic, and if anyone wants to argue with me, I'll just act like it's nothing!
being an all around bad person IS internet culture!
don't think you can even try to change that
http://zxcvnm.webs.com
All good things your way,
Cara
If only.......
compassion and peace your way, my dear,
Cara
stripped of dignity
self worth
on the animal farm
and to find a place to hide
from the shame
to escape from tomorrow
naked with no place to run
to see them again
to hear their laughter
see their snears
these cruel Americans
so tough, so fine, so
better than others
these self appointed
best
this unbearable shame
tomorrow and eveyone knows
seen in their faces
their snears, their hidden smiles
one to the other
how could they laugh
while I hurt so much
how could they find
my pain so funny
this new land
this land of the free
the home of the brave
I am leaving
I will not live here any longer
farewell.
Rolf Krogsæther (c)2010
Peace and blessings,
Cara
Rolf
What helps you 'Call Back Your Spirit?'
Meditation .. my joy always
What experiences with bullies can you share?
Much too long painful to describe now but I have been able to make friends with it. I learned a lot!
Love-
Ed
Cara
what we do not know
cannot hurt us
to de-power the abusers
adults have learned
to know them for who they are
the weak, the jealous, the envious
the cruel wanting power over others
wanting attention, wanting to be top dog
on Orwells' farm
the top guns, the young guns
the tough young re-producers
to regenerate themselves
and the chickens in the chicken yard
pecking the pecking order of the day
to the school yards, to the church yards,
to the political yards, pecking their order,
to the prison yards of the asylum
they brutalize each other
from verbal to fists to knives to guns to fillibusters
they threaten, maintaining their places
to retain their respect among their peers
from the street gangs to the senate
from the school yards to church yards
the pecking order rules.
and those without empathy
having Learned to be insensitive
desensitized and to be tough
breeders of the new generation
the top guns, the top dogs
winners, the brutal winners,
the cool, the in-crowd, the in the know
mob
to not know
the pecking order
is to be in danger
to not know the cruel
is to harm yourself
as from the bottom to the top
the pecking order is real and the same.
Rolf Krogsæther(c)2010
For this gift of yours, I am most grateful. Blessings to you and yours. Come by again.
Cara
I post it.
Thank you and I am thankfull for what ever light which shines through my work for others. I am at present focused primarily on concret social issues which are issues not only in America, but Europe as well.
Social behavior which we know as Mobing, has been a very serious problem and has caused much injury in the past with long term consequences. Our schools have a 0 tollerance policy with information and educational programs to work with the problem. There has been much progress these past 5 years resulting in a healthy school enviroment absent of Fear.
Rolf
Rolf
With Gratitude,
Dena
www.onevoicerising.com
Thanks for acknowledging Rolf's Voice. We need so much more acknowledgement in our world!
Consider reading Kimber's words this morning. Something is brewng.
Blessings this day.
Cara
I am pleased that you appreciate the piece and know we are on the same page and for the eleviation of such an awful social illness. At the school where I am employed, there is 0 tollerance for such behavior which we refere to as Mobing. I have also worked with young people several years ago who had become so tramatized while in school and endured Mobing that they were no longer functional and in need of long term social training. They had been terrorized by fellow students which had distroyed several years of their future years.
Rolf
Rolf
What if kids were asked to read this, to discuss this, and sign a 'no bullying pledge?' it would be a start.
Meanwhile, while you were going through this hell, what specific things/people/books/resources helped you the most? We'd love to know. This, too, could make a real difference, if you are willing to take the time and energy.
I am so grateful for you in our world,
Cara
However, back then there was no internet, no Facebook, message boards or Myspace. Rumors were spread by word of mouth, which is still awful, but not nearly as negative as what happens on the internet now. The internet is a great place to stay in connection with friends and family, but it can also be used for some of the most destructive forms of verbal abuse and slander out there. It is one thing to hear rumors about yourself, but it is way worse to see them in print on the internet.
My advice to parents is this: take notice of what your kids are doing on their computers. Make sure what they're saying online is appropriate and not harmful to themselves or other students or friends. They may complain, but that is your right and duty as a parent. Protect your children and help protect the children in your community.
Thank you for your advise to parents. My hope is that it goes out to millions. We all need to be reminded, as well as grandparents, teachers, aunts and uncles.
Many thanks and love your way,
Cara
I always remember that time when I think times are rough right now.
I hope you're doing great!
Ebony
I am so grateful. I am so grateful for you. I am so grateful for your teacher who was just at the right place at the right time to encourage your heart, and cultivate your Voice, your talent. I am so grateful for your courage. I am so grateful for your tenactiy, that sort of boldness and doggedness it takes to write, to create, to make a difference in the world. If you are still in contact with your eacher, please thank her for me, and for your readers. If you contact me with the contact info, I'm happy to do it in person.
Love and joy your way, Ebony, Cara
But her name was Ms. Karen Lawrence at Dixie Heights High School in Ft. Mitchell, KY. She was a godsend. She was my English teacher for all four years. I don't know if she really knows that the anxiety I felt in high school as a result of everything I went through in middle school was eased because of her confidence in me as a human being and not as the only black girl in the school.
Thanks again for this.
Love and blessings your way as well.
Ebony
CON'T
How are you doing my friend?
You've hit on one of the great profound truths; "No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care." I still seems to boil down to the same conflict over and over again: love vs. fear. Whichever fear influences one's behavior toward others, the results remain constant. Love is either kept at bay or eliminated altogether.
I think most bullies are fear-based like you said above. But there are also the plain old mean bastards who just like inflicting pain. I don't know if anything can be done about them I'll leave that to you professionals. In the meantime, I can stand up for their intended victims when I'm around. It's odd how effective just shining a light on their actions curtails them.
My sons have always behaved like heroes. All the way back before Kindergarten, they both couldn't abide bullies. to this day, they won't stand idly by while someone else was being bullied. Too bad school officials turn a blind eye toward the plight of the picked upon. They make the kids go to their buildings and leave them to fend for themselves without any meaningful security.
We need more Caras, Ed and Debs, Robin Hoods and less Prince Johns and George Bushs.
With love,
little brother
I, too, am very proud of my daughter, who has always been a champion of not only children, but the marginalized, just like her brother. Let's not lose focus that there are planty of young people out there trying to put things aright, like yours and mine..'
Told you that you were a fab father!
May this week bring you and your family and circle demonstration that love is alive.
Cara
I'm listening, and most interested in your viewpoint/suggestions so that more community can get on the bandwagon.
Good things your way,
Cara
People seem to forget that they are our future and if we don't support and show them love and care, and most importantly a listening ear, what the hell is our world, mostly theirs, going to resemble in the future.
Because I was an abused child and teen on every level you can think of , I am aware of the "unseen" dangers and signals which far too many parents, care-givers and adults miss or ignore. And of course, you're right; they just want to see tangible evidence that someone cares.
I simply do not understand why adults do not listen to children. They are utterly fascinating and their minds are incredibly agile.
More laws are not the panacea for what ails the youth of today. Their suicide rate around the world is already far too high! They require love and tough love when necessary, caring and atttention in words and limits.
Sure it takes a lot of work and heartache and frustrations and every other emotion under the sun. But why would you have a child if the goal was not to love, cherish, protect and set free that marvelous human being into the world for he or she to work their miracles in their own way.
Love and blessings,
Cara
So here goes>
1) kids go inward/become silent, withdrawn, distant, erratic at home & stubbornly disobedient/ unruly in class. grades drop to average or barely passing, sometimes it's gradual and sometimes it's sudden from one test to the next. They eventually become poor students with no obvious explanation because they seem to be working so hard.
They're usually polite but no smiles & no friends. Rude and/or mean to those outside the family. The kid always seems to be busy. Parents tend to say accusingly "what is wrong with you!" or words to that effect because of the inexplicable character change.
The child becomes more obstinate than a mule and nothing is worth any effort. Usually full of silent, unexpressed rage at home and are bullies in school. They have to be prodded and goaded to do the smallest task at home.
There is absolutely no thinking involved on the part of the chid - none whatsoever. It's all about trying to maintain the facade for whatever passes for normal in that particular house. Very, very good at faking "normality" laughing and chatting with school mates. You know, doing the regular stuff.
In fact, I just touched base with one of them recently and after 30 years she still remembers me as if we'd met just last week! I learned from their examples. They were my teachers for the 2 years on that job. I met another similar character at my next job who also took me under her wing.
Always talking, coaxing me out of myself, inviting me over to be with her family, following my progress as the years went by and demanding that I tell her about my life when I moved to New York, then Europe. Expressing her concern for my welfare, that sort of stuff. None of that ever came from my birth family.
It's only years later when I started to work on myself that I realised how wise she was and that she recognised the abuse I was still subjected to from what I used to say (psychological this time). Not once did she ever let on or criticise anyone. She was 15 years older than I and we are best friends to this day.
Have a grateful day!
Gratefully,
Cara
In the town next to ours (a very upper middle class town) eight 14 year-old boys took turns sexually abusing a young girl - on New Year's Eve in a basement while the adults were upstairs partying... the issues of bullying are almost a constant dialogue for children in elementary school through high school.
I agree it has reached such alarming proportions, the the old adage, "just let it roll off your back" no longer works.
Thanks for broadening the issue to adult's behavior as well. Clever and insightful.
Raising awareness that those who witness someone being bullied and do not act are perpetraters as well.
Thanks
Kari
What is going go in the 'basement' of our unexamined life is crucial: for it sets the stage to how we treat, or ignore, one another, and new life.
Many thanks for your wake-up call,
Cara
And today, reports of more suicide bombings in Russia. The world is indeed a treacherous place.
In my childhood, kids used to call each other names. That was about the extent of the bullying. Today, kids have bigger "weapons", i.e., social media.and examples set by adults, i.e. politicians, who are eternally bullying the opposition.
As you suggest, we all bully ourselves in ways we don't even know. Thank you for the 21 day challenge. I accept! We can all benefit from being kinder to ourselves. One could transform their bully-mindedness to miracle-mindedness, something we discussing down the block on my post today.
You are indeed a miracle, Miss Cara. Natalie and the likes are blessed to have you as their ally. So are we!
Much love to you,
Judith
Love your way,
Cara.