"Loving...is seeing another person for the down-to-earth, practical, immediate experience that another human being is. Loving is not illusory. It is not seeing the other person in a particular role or image we have designed for him. Loving is valuing another for his personal uniqueness within the context of the ordinary world. That is durable. It stands up. It is real."
- Robert Johnson
Lovers, to your stations. Its countdown time for the season of love. Hallmark and florists are suiting up, restaurants are taking reservations. Guys are telling me that they know they'd better 'get with the program' and deliver more than chocolates and roses, but what? The 'what' can never be satisfied with material 'stuff' so that the female species can have a brag-a-thon. That's not what touches the heart. Even Psyche, who was married to a god, known as Amour, could not resist 'digging deeper.' It's your opportunity to play a winning game, just like the New Orleans Saints, if you are willing to check the line-up and where you stand.
The Valentine's Day Myth. With the whole 'to-do' that Western marketing creates around Valentine's Day, it's easy to buy into the notion that love should reign on one day: February 14th. Movies and romance novels cast their spell around the subject, leaving most with the impression that 'it's now or never.' Don't get me wrong: someone who desires interest by his/her partner does well to have a game plan. All I'm saying is that showing the person you adore that you love them is a 365 day affair.
The opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference. More love wilts from neglect than any other cause. Doesn't it make sense, then, to know your Love Intelligence Quotient? After all, your Intelligence Quotient has been measured, and maybe, even you're Emotional Intelligence. But, at the end of the day, what matters more than love? Everyone wants to enjoy its benefits, know the experience more deeply, more consistently.
Take the following Self-Quiz, where, no matter what your score, everyone's a winner!
Simply answer 'yes' or 'no' to the following questions, by circling your response.
Do you know your special loved one's:
1. color of eyes
2. favorite color
3. what makes their smile special
4. most common source for laughter
5. most attractive quality
6. their favorite piece of music
7. their favorite book
8. their favorite movie
9. their personal favorite scent
10. their favorite flower
11. their best relaxation activity
12. their favorite massage spot
13. where/if they're ticklish
14. place they've always wanted to go
15. secret dream for their life
16. their favorite play
17. their favorite shape and texture
18. their favorite song to sing
19. their best childhood friend's name
20. biggest pet peeve
21. most important value
22. biggest life risk
23. risk they'd like to take, but are hesitant
24. deepest disappointment
25. greatest blessing
26. favorite quality of yours
Scoring: Each 'yes' equals one point, each 'no' equals zero points. Add up your total points. Remember, no one's a 'loser' on this self-test! If you scored:
26 points: Bravo! You are a Love Master in motion! Heart expansion, deeply
caring about who you love, (including yourself), is your
middle name!
20-25: Rock star Lover! You're our hero! There's no stopping you now!
Keep love alive by staying on the adventure of discovery.
15-20: Love Attractor! Voila! You're on your way. Just step up your game
of enquiry, curiosity, praise.
10-15: Lovebug! Congrats! You're in the game, on your
way to loving relationships in the Major Leagues.
Don't stop now. The rewards are worth it.
5-9: Love Trainee: Well done. You've shown enough interest to
'suit up,' be taken seriously as someone who
wants to enrich not only your own experience
of connection, but your loved one's. Practice
the game of discovery every day to enhance
your status.
0-4: Love Aspirant: Awareness is the first step to transformation.
You are courageous to take yours by reading
this article, and taking the quiz. This shows
good intention, the foundation for more love in your life.
The Bad News. Actually, there's no bad news no matter how you 'scored.' Even if you came in at the bottom of the 'pecking order,' with focused baby steps and sincere desire, you can only 'move up' in becoming the best you can be in the Love Department. There truly is room 'at the top' of this business.
The Good News and Practical Implications.
1. Becoming a Love Master means you can lay down the burden of playing the right/wrong game on yourself, clubbing yourself over the 'noggin' with the 'what's wrong with me' kind of nonsense. You came into this life as a Love Master. Just look at a newborn baby, if you doubt my words. You, too, are a picture of the best love has to offer. Just step up and claim your rightful place in the pantheon of love.
2. No matter where you are, you can use these questions as starting points for building love bridges with those you'd like to demonstrate greater interest, and appreciation. My husband and I use them as ways of 'updating' our 30 year marriage. Remember, 'no one cares how much you know until they
know how much you care!'
3. Let's get on the "Myth-buster Bandwagon" when it comes to love. Too often we connect the wrong dots when it comes to intimate relationships that grow stale, and point the finger of blame in the wrong direction. When the 'flame' begins to wane, it may mean that a bit of 'fanning' could improve things considerably. Our loved one is busy growing in some way, if we are willing to 'tend the garden' and explore what's in their heart, and new; if we cultivate this newest, even if 'itty bitty sprout,' with our sincere interest. It's time for all of us to give up the notion that we know all there is to know about the people we love. Otherwise, love goes sour. They are evolving everyday, just like you and me.
4. If you are 'lover-less,' or lacking in a loved one, remember that you can use this enquiry to pose questions to people you'd love to cherish. Feel free to update the list and keep it growing.
What lets you know best that you are loved, cherished, valued? Who have you known that did the best job at modeling love? What have you learned? What's your next growth step in Love University? Let me know! Wishing you a very loving, fun, and adventuresome Valentine's Day. Thanks for forwarding this to all those you cherish!
You can receive notice of my blogs every Wednesday by checking Become a Fan at the top, and follow me on Twitter (DrCaraBarker), Dr.Carabarker@gmail.com By the way, labor and delivery on our 'creative newborn' are coming along nicely, the due date before Valentine's Day!
Follow Dr. Cara Barker on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrCaraBarker
Rachel Greenwald: Valentine's Day Book: Where Can I Find Mr. Right?
Ken Dychtwald Ph.D.: My Parents' Love Letters
Glenn D. Braunstein, M.D.: The Bittersweet Truth About Chocolate
Dr. Judith Rich: What's Love Got To Do With It?
www.ashortguidetoahappymarriage.com
Come back again!
Cara
Know matter how much we know, whether on the personal level or scientifically, we are like babes in the woods, barely aware of our surroundings.
This is a yummy post! Most men haven't been worth my time for years and years. However, I decided last year that I'm emotionally ready (I think) for a mate and I've been collecting data for the dating game with which I am woefully unfamiliar since I could never be bothered before.
I mean, I am such great company on my own and I had a pug who knew better than to talk back although the looks he gave me at times were quite telling.
The dog notwithstanding, your questions provide me with a lot of food for thought because now I want to share love, and give love and make love with my mate. Those words are taken from one of Alicia Keys' songs by the way and do reflect how I feel.
So the next step in the Love University is remembering to remain authentic when butterflies of insecurity start fluttering.
I'm looking forward to it.
You have such a way with words! Your comments give me such a breath of fresh air, nods of understanding, and chuckles, too! I do believe your pug must be kin with my daughter's. Hers, by the name of Boggie, aka Mr. Boggiemeister, has a way with looks that are memorable. These days, he's 24/7 watching the baby, and protecting the new life. He's remarkable. The great things about doggie love is that it is unconditional.
Frankly, I think they give us a marvelous model for unconditional love, beginning with the emerging butterfly making her/his way out of the chrysalis.
My money's on you. Spring, despite the snowstorms, is making Her appearance, as well. We've got buds coming up in the garden. It sounds, as well, like there's new life sprouting in your heart. Take care. Be brave. Maintain your sense of humor. I tell my husband, after 30 years of marriage, we are still in the practice period!
Let me know how it goes, Love, the process, and your unfolding,
Cara
My "lover" has no eye or hair color to remember. No favorite song, movie, flower or pet peeve. My "lover" is Love itself. So where does that land me on the Love Quotient Index? Couldn't figure out how to score myself.
On the earthly plane, clearly I'm an Aspirant, in my own mind, I'm a Rock Star. Yikes! Looks like I've got some work to do........ or not. I'm working on being OK with Love just as it shows itself to me every moment, with or without the warm body to accompany.
But you, dear Cara...... I know you as a Master. From your Aspiring Rock Star in training,
Love,
Judith
I just love your comments, yoru questions, your heart.
Cara
Your partner's pretty darn lucky!
Cara
I don't think you are coming from 'being so negative,' as you put it.
Rather, you seem to appreciate the truth that enduring love comes from a very deep place, indeed. This is not about 'right/wrong,' but what is being offered here is one possibility for a means of one form of bridge-building. You might be surprised at the frequency people from around the world say to me, they love x, but do not know where to start to get to know them, to demonstrate interest over time. The importance of the exercise is not the answers, nor even the questions, but, rather, the willingness to enter the process of discovery, shared adventure, and interest in the Beloved. I'm confident that your parents, and indeed, mine had such vital, enduring love is because they were willing to enter the process together, and discover the surprises, large and small, laugh, enjoy, hold steady in the storms, and bring forward new life of which you are a fine part.
Peace and blessings,
Cara
Ah, I get it....It's more of an exercise to open discussion than a quiz or test. That makes more sense to me. My husband and I participated in similar exercises where we were given discussion/interview starters in our Pre-Cana. I can vouch that they were valuable in sparking important discussions on various topics that helped us get to "know' one another at a deeper level.
Thank you for the kind words about me and my parents!
Dammit! I missed rock star by one question. But on the upside I found out a few things I don't know about my wife.
This from The Good News 4. "When the 'flame' begins to wane, it may mean that a bit of 'fanning' could improve things considerably." dovetails perfectly with your statement earlier in the article, "More love wilts from neglect than any other cause." I try to remember to try. Often I forget. I found that when I think about the first few months of our relationship, I remember to treat her with the same effort I did back when I was trying to win her heart. I think it helps.
With love,
little brother
Let me know how it goes. She is fortunate, indeed.
Love,
Cara
Love for me is a case of lifelong learning. There is always more to learn about love, about how to love better, loving what shows up for me, even when that looks unlovable. Then there is the love that comes with pure joy and laughter. Being with dear friends. Giving and receiving treats - any day of the year.
My next growth step in Love University is loving the mysterious deafness that has shown up in my left ear. Accepting and cooperating with it. Loving myself through the next healing stages.
With love and blessings to you,
Anne
And, I'm happy you liked the Love I.Q. quiz. Frankly, I think it is useful in staying attuned and updated with our own heart and life!
Many Valentines your way, Anne,
Cara
The wonderful aspect of the quiz is it gives us a 'starting place' for new, fun learning. Enjoy, and stay in touch.
Many hearts your way,
Cara
still in Mexico enjoying the sun and sand ... we went whale watching today
It was spectacular
Great quiz
Hasta luego,
Ed
I'm so happy to hear you are basking with the whales: what a marvelous reminder of the all-Oneness of all beings. What a blessing to treat yourselves with such tender mercy and kindness...a marvelous example to all of 'be the change.'
Wishing you every joy and safe travels, too,
Cara
1-in-10 men do not know her birthdate
1-in-10 did not know her eye color
8 percent did not know her hair color!
12 percent didn't know the name of her best friend...
Other scary details in the report on Healthapalooza today (link below)
http://www.healthapalooza.com
www.healthapalooza.com
So many thanks for stopping by. All good things your way not only on the 14th, but every day,
Cara
P.S. You make a very real contribution. Stay in touch.
I love the poem at the beginning. It is so true that long lasting love is very different than new love.
While my husband and I love to reflect on the early days of our meeting, there is also great comfort in the easy and steady nature that only time can bring.
Thanks for a most lovely countdown!
Love
Kari
I do rec'd a mutual quiz. Ed and I have great fun asking the questions, updating our answers and finding new questions. The exploration has been ongoing for us over 31 years, and continues to bring marvels. Which, by the way, has anyone told you yet today what a marvel are you?
Hearts and roses your way,
Cara
:-)
And what if her greatest blessing is that she'll never figure out her favorite quality of mine, as in Rumpelstiltzchen?
And what if she favors all the colors in my eyes and hers?
You crack me up, or, more accountably, I am an opportunity looking for humor like years. Here's my response to your worthy questions;
1. No, you need not go to the dumpster. What's hot here is that you leave room for the Mystery. Clearly, you're on the Love Master track!
2. You have so many radiant qualities. The more she notices, the better. I say, keep surprising her, and you. I don't see Rumpelstiltzchen in your future.
3. The more favoring, the merrier. Sounds like abundance consciousness to me!
May all manner of love be yours, as it already is.
Cara
That's what I needed for Valentine's day. - and it might just be what many others need as well...
I am indeed blessed with an abundance of love at this juncture. And I am grateful to those who make this happen.
Cara
cosmo girl is right! we are all made of star stuff. exciting isnt it? hmmm a new design for my yaya hat is coming to mind...
i confess i only know 4? of whats on the list. i kept getting the color of his eyes wrong for the first two years. i think everytime he looked at me i sorta melted into them and stuck my tounge out like a contented kitty.
he will tell you im the greatest wife ever, but hes only been married to me so whats he know? i got him snookered ;)