Where's Leo Buscaglia when you need him? There might be a few of you left out there, born before this age of high-tech, hyper-connectivity mania, who remember his words and Spirit. For those who don't, his message is timeless. Especially on days like these when the best some can come up with (in the name of God, no less) is to demand the burning of a holy book they have no interest in reading because the Qur'an is foreign. (Really, as a people, we can do better. In my book, Creative Intelligence is multi-lingual, and does not choose favorites amongst It's Sons and Daughters. But then, that's a story for another time.)
If you are still with me, and willing to receive some gems, take a gander at Dr. Leo standing and delivering, as only he could. (For openers, just Google him under "The Politics of Love.") His survey on love generated 600 responses to his two questions 'What is it about your relationships that keep them growing, alive, fresh? And, what destroys your relationships?' (What say you? Regardless whether you read the following or not, we'd love to hear your own answers, as well as your friends, in the comment section at the bottom.)
Heaven knows, we need all the help we can get. As I rejoin you today, for the first time since surgery on July 28th, I've never been more struck by the relevance of 'the good doctor's words,' and the need for us to take them to heart. Let's review. One month ago, more or less, we were in the midst of another conversation called "When Was the Last Time You Sent a Love Letter?" Turns out, many of you have proven yourselves to be Rock Stars in the sending department!
So much so that it was your stories about sending love letters that reminded me that you, and Leo, are certainly the best Faculty around when it comes to Love School. Your messages resonated with Buscaglia's, who said:
"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring..."
Imagine what it might be like to receive such gestures, aka 'love letters' if you were the Chilean miners, or their family members, or the survivor's of the recent devastion in Pakistan? Imagine what it would be like to be the recipient of such love from complete strangers from around the world. What might this create? Go further. What might happen if you got even better at discerning what to 'take in that's the good stuff,' and what to throw out, that's suspiciously toxic?
Turns out that there are literal love letters to be sent, but there are also love letters wanting to be received, be they though the snail-mail, power of touch, a warm and generous greeting, a patient listener, or an acknowledging reflection that you are seen, heard, appreciated through a beautifully caring unexpected gesture.
What Gets in Our Way, and What's a Remedy? Maybe the other part of the problem is that we forget who we are. In his series "Born for Love," Leo tells the story of going into a setting for seniors, where he asks an elderly woman, with her hair tinted blue: "Do you know who I am?" To which she replies: "If you don't know, I suggest you ask the head nurse!"
1. When we forget who we are, we forget our value, and worthiness to receive as well as to give. We forget to ask for help. When we forget who we are, we forget to 'feed the wild dogs in the basement,' as Jeff Goldbaum's character puts it to the male protagonist in the new Jennifer Aniston movie entitled "The Switch." He tells his buddy, "Look, I've been trying to tell you. You've got to feed the 'wild dogs' in your basement. If you don't, they'll get out!" The wild dogs, my friend, are the work of the inner monkey, too often insisting that to ask for what we need is not O.K. If you think you have transcended all yours, trust me, they are still in the cellar! If you doubt me, have surgery. It's the fastest way I know to get over your need to pretend you are invinsible. On a collective level, the unfed 'Wild Dogs Shadow' is projected onto the unfamiliar to keep the unknown (in us) at bay, unintegrated, on the loose, lighting fires, protesting other's rights for freedom.
2. Remedy: Acknowledge we have the right to 'ask for the head nurse,' either literally, or metaphorically. Acknowledge that recoverying from our own 'wild dogs' attack takes time. Accept it is O.K. to be human. Accept that we are in process of learning to do better, and it starts by learning to see what's really before us with fresh eyes. (More to come on how to do this next week.) Accept that we don't have to be for everyone. Accept that we do NOT have the responsibility to be the dog chow for other people's wild dogs. That's not your job.
An example: a beautiful woman, inside and out, by the name of Pamela Joy Bartlett died last week. At her Memorial Service, the following story was told. It seems that Pam and her colleague were reading hundreds of rave review evaluation forms after they'd presented their material. At last, near the bottom of the pile, something else was waiting, with a really bad stench to it. Apparently, it was scathing, one of those hatchet jobs that would leave most of us running to the closest corner, tails tucked between our legs, to lick our wounded paws in peace. Not Pam! Instead, she took one read of the thing, crumpled the thing up, tossed it across the room, and uttered the following to her colleague with glee: "Well, that certainly was not our experience, was it?"
One of the most beautiful qualities of Pam was that she knew how to discern the helpful from the toxic. Sometimes it really is more than O.K., (and even required) to refuse the bite of other people's unfettered wild dogs. She knew that receiving love has nothing to do with taking on what's contaminated. She knew that receiving love begins with seeing yourself as worthy enough to give your own heart a healthy touch, "...a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring..." She and Leo, are, no doubt, cultivating quite a dance routine these days, in the Great Beyond's latest rendition of 'Dancing With the Stars.' We can marvel at their knowing that receiving love has nothing to do with taking in what's none of our business. There are few skill sets more important to develop if you are serious about growing Love.
Know that I've missed you beyond measure, and would love to hear from you. Thanks for passing it along. 'What is it about your relationships that keep them growing, alive, fresh? And, what destroys your relationships?' What say you?
For updates, contact me at carabarker.net. Re-tweet or pass along to friends who may enjoy this post. For info on future blogs, click on Become A Fan at the top. Follow Dr. Cara Barker on www.twitter.com/DrCaraBarker New developments are happening by the end of September on carabarker.net, including a new series called "Practicing Love," a development of one of Cara's Love Projects.
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Dr. Cara Barker: Learning to Love From Afar
I'm so glad to see you back. I think it's wonderful when someone can accept the love and dismiss the negative. Over the last couple of years I've become somewhat capable of doing so myself. I also find it awesome that you write such helpful and insightful articles that I know make a difference, they have for me. I'm more confident and comfortable being me than I've ever come close to previously. It's an marvelous service you're performing. Thank you.
lots of love,
little brother
I'm so happy to hear from you. What you have shared makes a mighty big difference. 'One' always wonders! Just hoisting my leg up long enough to write/submit this piece was quite the little undertaking. Truly, knowing that these articles are helpful makes it all worthwhile.
Please know my love is coming your way, with oodles of gratitude. See you Wednesday!
Cara
A dear friend with whom I correspond and yet have not seen in over 45 years, caused me to reflect upon this very subject of your post. Life, it turns out, has not been fair or just to her, nor comfortable at times. The hardships she faced were offset by her love for her handicapped son. His challenges dissolved her marriage, and his behaviors destroyed her family as he acted out toward others. This loving, talented intelligent woman is left believing she has made a mess of her life, when in truth it took someone with all she her gifts to simply survive the life she was given, and took upon herself. She is loved by her family and her son, but needs an objective observer to help her appreciate what she has been and accomplished. She deserves praise, and appreciates my reflections upon how much she has done and survived. How simple it is to say the things we admire and love about others, if we trust their truth and worth, ... the other form of the "love letters" you describe.
Welcome back, dear friend. We have needed you!
Your words are healing medicine. As I mentioned to little brother, there is always that little niggling question mark about the outcome of these posts. Your timing could not be more perfect. Actually, it is inspired!
I'm really taking to heart what you've said about your friend. (The truth is that several have asked me to do a piece for parents with kids with chronic challenges, but I've not gotten to the bottom of that ink well, yet.)
Isn't it amazing how so many people, with attributes like your friend, have been so challenged over the years, 'unfairly' so, it seems. And, yet, this Schoolhouse is surely a Mystery filled with so many questions, and answers which elude us.
Will you do me a favor? Kindly pass along this link, and I will do my part, as best I can. It does take a tag team, doesn't it?
Have you begun your new chapter, yet? I've been thinking about how blessed the people are whose path you are soon to cross! What a wealth of experience you bring to those who suffer, and those who know the Light shines brightest in the Darkness.
See you Wednesday!
Love and gratitude,
Cara
So the footsie went under the knife, or was it the ankle? We have a couple of awesome shamans on HP William Hordon who is absolutly uber cool and mama Donna the urban shaman. She is a doll and a wonder. if your not shy please ask them for distance healing. I have with incredible results.
I love the story about the blue haired lady, what a laugh, I have to remember to share that , its too precious, (of course I have a story about a blue haired lady but that's for another time)
Oh and Doc Leo B., boy he just went out and did it. That man lived out loud. I never saw a person so in love with life, really inspiring.
Well, I am so glad HP's resident Elf and YaYa is back. Missed you so much. It's good to know you have a comfortable place to recover and people around you that take good care of you and love you.
Much Love!
Pema
What an absolute blessing and joy to hear from you this afternoon. Did you know you've been on my mind? I've been wondering how your own healing is going? And, now, here you are, in such a generous way, offering up the tips and resources so needed. I shall play out your tips.
Yes, as for the blue tinted hair ladies, I'd love to hear your story whenever you are ready. It surely brings back a tradition, doesn't it? I'm thinking maybe flaming apple green when I get to that point!
Re the footsie: yes, the foot is the area of concern, but I am holding to its healing every day post the knife, bone and tendon cutting, and other not so pleasant stuff. Ah, what we will experience to surrender to the necessity of updated alignment!
Let me know how you are. Meanwhile, I'm so glad you remember Leo: what a gem. Now it is we who are charged with that 'living out loud,' you so aptly mention!
big-time love your way, Pema,
Cara
Bless you. Bless you for re-checking in and clarifying. Actually, you guessed it: I did respond to your message immediately (twice) but they were 'no-shows.' By now I am noticing that the HP staff must have had difficulties because around six responses I wrote never made it to the page. Has this been happening more in my absence??????? Although I cannot imagine how taxing this must be for the HP staff, it is trying at all ends.
Readers like you, Arithrianos, make writing here deeply rewarding. I am so touched that you have reached out in concern, and such generousity twice in 24 hours. I am inhaling your wishes with deep gratitude. You are simply a joy and source of inspiration to my heart and Spirit.
May all be well with you! Until next week, sweetcakes, much love,
Cara
Welcome back! I have missed you.
What keeps relationships good - loving the people, enjoying who they are, laughing with them, remembering birthdays as much as I can. Being loving.
Destroys relationships? Finding fault, being critical, gossiping, being forgetful.
Don't go away again in a hurry - or even slowly!
Huge love and many blessings to you,
Anne
I love your 'good relationship' items, including remembering birthdays as much as possible (especially these days when 'neurons are down.' No small wonder why you have so, so, many who love you, (count me amongst them) because you are the Golden Rule in motion.
I do not think there's anything more toxic to relationships than failing to tend their garden of growth through finding fault, criticism, gossip.
Regarding your request, I'll do my best to stay steadily here, as much as possible, learning to dance in new ways that don't require both footsies!
Love to you today, and everyday,
Cara
More love to you!
You made my day.
LOVE
BB
Bless you for being the amazing Light that you are.
I must ask both (1) what it is exactly that you missed? and (2) what's peppered your life since we last 'met' here on the HP?
I'm listening and sending you love,
Cara
Wednesdays I look for you, fully aware you needed this time off, yesterday was the first time I did not, and wrote to a wonderful HP writer Meg Wolf about you (do look her up ) and there you are. I don`t know what to tell you, this Koran buning issue on 9/11, what has come upon us ? I was on couple of those threads last few days and was shocked by the support towards that issue. On a positive note I have met some wonderful cyber friends, over the years, so yesterday I decided to find a few , and declared my love and admiration for them.
1. What I missed ?
Compassionate and sensible Kara Barkar.
2. While you were healing, I did send my good will through some of your close friends to you.
I believe there are more sensible people in the world than we give credit for. Always the media pays more attention to the others.
In pre 9/11, I long for peace and someone or something would stop this volatile man in Florida for spreading such unfortunate message.
Surely this country can do better.
Love to you and again welcome back Cara in my life...
BB -:)
What is it about your relationships that keep them growing, alive, fresh?
honesty and LOVE - especially with my darling Deb. We have fun and we are best friends. Life is a gift and we know that meditation is the greatest of gifts to ourselves - to others.
And, what destroys your relationships?' What say you? we respect each other and if we are not in sync we don't or try not to blame the other one but se what our role in it is!
Love - Ed
You are really 'in the know' on the vital importance of friendship and fun, honesty and Love in marriage. At least, that's the experience 'my' Ed and I have shared over our 30 years of marriage, as of this past August. One of the boons that's come over the years is to recognize that when our rhythm is off, it's time for a rest note...........without blame, the music returns in even more surprising ways.
Your friendship is a treasure for my heart,
Cara
You may recall our exchanges just before your surgery - I'm the one who provided my love a tome of our old love letters, in a leather binder.
We have just had a week together - 8 days - and some of those days were the best days in my life thus far - that I can remember anyway. And the worst of it was pretty benign stuff, mostly her fears still keeping her from fully embracing life - and love - by her inventing things to be upset about. I found a way to gently point out these were created problems, not genuine ones, and she agreed.
For various reasons, she's stuck living where she is for a while. I've asked her to accept my visits, "for a week, once a month until we live together", and she said yes. -sigh- I am_so_ excited, but temper that with knowing her fears are not yet abated.
Fear holds us back most, I think. I'm working with her to overcome them. My strategy has been to simply talk about them whenever we can. This helps dis-empower them, I think. - Her greatest fear is that she is no good for anyone - and I think this speaks to your subject above. She fears hurting me; silly girl! Yet, she says she knows we are one; whatever she may do, even reject a future with me, my heart cannot break as we are
...as we are eternally bound by mutual love.
..now that I have more room...
It started with some of my poetry I signed Richard the Lion Hearted, and she started calling me "Lionheart", but now, to help fight fear, we have both taken on this moniker; She is now Cathy the Lion Hearted, or we each, Lion and Lioness... And we sometimes talk explicitly how we are taking on fears, and connect it to our pet names.
It is unclear just how well this will work long term, but it seems to be working, albeit slowly.
So, Dear Cara, keep on inspiring people to love, you're good at it...
Lion
I love your playfulness, both you and Cathy's, in trusting the image, and using creative imagination to explore the depths of heart. It is no accident that the lion/lioness 'came' to you. In the Jungian cross-cultural tradition, this symbol is mighty, and comes from the Sacred Feminine...having everything to do with instinct, deep feeling, connection, ancient Wisdom in dealing with all Creation. You might want to play with exchanging imagery that you find of the Lion and Lioness, as well as their natural habitat. Surprises await.
As for your encouragement to 'keep on inspiring people to love,' it's all I know that matters. The rest simply doesn't hold me long. Life is short. I say let's get to the dessert.
I'm with you each and both,
Cara
More to come, and much love, too,
Cara
Actually, in my absence I thought of you more than a few times, and was hoping all's well at your end? What's cooking?
Can't wait to hear, if you've got the juice......................
Love,
Cara
Glad you are back at your keyboard. Missed ya.
Isolation by self is a relationship wrecker. A builder? A touch, a meaningful look, a card, a sweet treat, anything that communicates the underlying FEELING.
A word to the Koran burners. Heard the guy on the radio. They say they are a "christian" church.
NOT! Now I think I am a christian. An acid head christian. That's what Ken Kesey called Jerry Garcia. Maybe I should be called a zen christian. Sometimes I call myself the ultimate fundamentalist Christian. At the heart of christianity is not so much Jesus as the son of god but his IDEA, no it was his COMMAND to us. "Love one another."
Love one another - christ you know it ain't easy. When I'm good, I try to find a way.
Love is the verb for peace so peace on ya!
BB
So, let me begin, again: first, I, too am glad to be back. Surely, surely you were missed by yours truly. I wondered so often 'how's Bill doing?' How are you doing?
Meanwhile, I love what you say here, and imagine that there's a slew of folks out here who can relate to your every word. I know that I can, certainly. Whatever God is, I do not believe any of the peeps have the whole angle. My sense of the Holy is that Its closet is endless, as is Its mastery of all language in the silence of the heart, the whisper in the breeze of the wood, the rhythm of the sea. Maybe we are so lousy at the 'love one another' thing is that this begins with ourselves, and that seems a mighty tall order for those believing we come from anything less than Love.
All I know is that you are Love, and 'Love 'R You.'
Hugs and listening to your every word,
Cara
Believe me, we've missed you in these parts. It just "feels better" knowing your presence is here on the block. Prior to my episode last year with the Big "C", I would have answered your lead question with a resounding "yes". But Bella Coventina taught me one thing for sure: t'is blessed to receive. In love given but not received, the cycle is incomplete. I get it. So I'm working on it as a daily practice.
And I've had plenty of chances to be the "Head Nurse", most recently helping a beloved friend recuperate from surgery. But that's another hallway....... and another shipment.
Sending you healing love and energy,
Judith
Know that I'm receiving your loving wishes with deepest gratitude. Yes,it is so good to be back,
Cara
I usually get emails about your posts and I hadn't received one in awhile. I hope the surgery has put you on a road to wellness. I "think" I'm getting better about "discerning the helpful from the toxic". And over the last couple months, I've invited more diversity and love into my world. Sometimes my head spins at all the positive change in my life. I also credit my frequent mediation and walks in nature which is usually my best time to "receive love".
What destroys my relationships is isolation and I admit I've done a lot of that as well. And mostly out of fear of not being about to discern. It's a work in progress.
In last couple months, I've made so many advances on my movie script that I've been nurturing for 6 years. I wanted to mention that I've been reading Joseph Campbell's "A Hero With A Thousand Faces" to hopefully strengthen the intensity and reach of my heroine's journey. I can't wait to invite you to the movie premiere. ;)
Much Love and Many Blessings,
Ebony
Like children, our creative babies are certainly a process in 'growing them up,' and we, as mamas, with them!
I can't say much, here, because my foot is really bothering me right now, (that's why you've not gotten my posts: I've been off the month of August as part of the post op recovery). What I can say is that I find it marvelous that you are in full receivership in nature! Trees, and the creatures are 100% who they are. Whenever I'm with Creation, in all it's truthful forms, (like you), I am in the wholeness of the Loving Heart from which we come to this confusing Schoolhouse. By the way, you credit 'mediation' which I love. While the mind might have meant meditation, the Soul caught the roots of the thing: we are mediating, all the time, are we not, when fully connected.
You are one of my faovrite heroine's on the journey. Many hears ago Dr. Campbell changed my life. How we would be applauding your unfolding, too.
You are in my heart today, always,
Cara
What is the one line of Campbell's which speaks to you most today??????????????
Love,
Cara
Rest that foot!
Ebony
Your words, and well-reasoned thought behind them are an everpresent inspiration, and excellent food on which to chew.
May our minds and hearts be open. May we remember to feed our own wild dogs in the basement!
Love,
Cara
P.S. Great to see you here!
As always, you seem to deal with the infinite difficulties of merely trying to be human in a world in which everybody's humanity has some non-negligible dog traits.
Which is probably one of my favorite subjects. Sounds almost perverse, given that I'm not even a shrink. Only a humble observer of human nature. :-)
Just today I read that the pastor planning the book burning responded to Petraeus' warnings that 'we' must somehow stand up and show some collective backbone. I truly wondered whom he meant by that 'we'. Given that the leading General had already spoken on the subject. What's he going to do? Challenge Petraeus?
It is incidents such as these that teach us more profoundly than anything the lesson that there must be some insecurity before somebody feels like he's being attacked by people on the opposite side of the planet.
Isn't it strange when pastors are more vigilant than generals? What incident could speak louder the truth that we need to take care of our inner wild dogs every once in a while. We can't just allow ourselves to go crazy. Certainly not when we're pastors or generals or shrinks.
Or, for that matter, people who happen to have a backbone to care about.
How I've missed you! For the record, your are right on point. You've said something (as always,) so, so significant about the human condition, and these times with the words: " Isn't it strange when pastors are more vigilant than generals? What incident could speak louder the truth that we need to take care of our inner wild dogs every once in a while. We can't just allow ourselves to go crazy. Certainly not when we're pastors or generals or shrinks...." The truth is that we are the pastor, the general, the shrink and the wild dogs. (to be continued......
thanks for asking, Diogenes. you are the best.
Cara
Blessedly, voices like yours remind me that there are other things in the basement, too, treasure troves for anyone with the courage to 'go down under' and discover the gems, reclaim the hope, even when all seems hopeless.......................
Know that I thought of you while gone, and am so, so happy to see you here today. By the way, please describe the collective backbone needed. Let's get it hammered out in writing, for today is Sept. 8th, and there is significance in getting the goods in writing.
I'm listening with love your way,
Cara
What this incident with the pastor could teach Bush and his admirers is that it happened for a reason when some voices in europe (and liberals in the US of course) started to compare his war-mongering to a backlash into medieval modes of conflict-resolution (aka holy war).
The question that the pastor needs to ask himself is: WHAT exactly is he defending in the name of freedom if he goes on doing as planned?
I think we have now officially reached a point when the primary piece of diplomacy given to the moderate muslim world - to hold responsible the hate-mongers among them, not to let them grow into anything significant - applies with full strength to those who handed out that piece of advice.
The pastor (and some others, including the usual suspects among the TV and radio talk show hosts) needs to be told in no uncertain terms that he does NOT represent what he pretends to represent.
It's time to remember the meaning of the word 'protest' coming from Roman trial law. The protester wants to avoid that his remaining silent could be misinterpreted as agreement. Therefore, he chooses to protest. So that everyone knows that whatever follows does explicitly NOT have his assent.
A lot of people need to protest - in that sense - these days.
Dr. Buscaglia........what is there to say? You may want to add some Youtube clip of him. He inspired me to become a professional speaker. Truly. I stood at a speaking event of his in the 80's and was transfixed with his simple message, Italian ways of just going outside to pass our chocolate chip cookies when depressed, and to hug one and all. Yes. We need more Dr. Leo Buscaglia's in the world today.
Blessings to you
kari