Does Forgive Mean Forget? How to Get Over What Is Tearing You Apart

"If it weren't for the fact that he died, I'd like to kill him! Can you imagine leaving us in this mess?" Amanda, a widow with three little ones under tow, was reeling from her 35 year old husband's sudden death. Apparently, Jack reassured his wife repeatedly that he'd handled his life insurance policy after he lost his job. He let the insurance lapse. "Jack used to tease me that he'd live to be 100 and the policy was a waste of funds. That's probably why he let it go. But what am I supposed to do?" Tears are streaming down her cheeks. "If only he hadn't fallen asleep at the wheel. If he hadn't taken that night job, at least we'd be here in this together. The bed's cold, like ice, and I wake up from nightmares if sleep at all. I don't even have a picture any more about where we're headed. I might as well be blind."

Amanda's words remind me of Helen Keller say when she was asked "What could be worse than being blind?" Her answer was swift: "Living your life without vision!"

Jeremy put his concern this way: "My dad said that if I go forward with what he calls my 'gay thing,' and adopt a baby, that he'll disinherit me. He's such a redneck that he drove away my mother, and now, he wants to control me. I don't want his stinkin' money. The stuff he does is just unforgivable. Now he's obsessing about the race of the baby, says he refuses to be a grandfather. How am I supposed to explain this to our child someday? You can't imagine what he's capable of!"

When I offered Rumi's words to Jeremy, it took some weeks for their truth to take root. But, as soon as they began to sprout, Jeremy was on his way to healing. This happens neither overnight, nor to the closed mind.

"Welcome difficulty.
Learn the alchemy
True human beings know.
The moment you accept what troubles you've been given,
The door opens."

This morning, at the Blackbird Bakery, as I was thinking about the progress of these two inspiring human beings, I stumbled upon a heated debate, which happened to be thematically connected to Amanda and Jeremy's dilemmas. Here's the scene: Mr. Plaid Polo Shirt, a 70's something well-tanned senior with carefully coifed white hair was well into challenging his coffee buddies. "Can you believe these Scots? Why the H--- would they let this terrorist go after killing 270 people? They should keep him in the slammer 'til he rots in H---. Screw 'em. These guys are animals, not a compassionate bone in their bodies. No forgiveness." Plaid's friend turns away. "For G's sake, Hank, the guy's dying. Let it go." Plaid bristles, smoothing his hair with his palm. "The H--- I will. He shouldn't be out in the world with civil people like us."

Mr. Plaid's public venom stayed with me a bit longer than I'd like to admit. I should thank him, really. He brings today's issue front and center: forgiveness and forgetting. I asked him 'what is the relationship for you between forgiveness and forgetting?' According to Plaid, (his subsequent diatribe which I will not inflict upon you) if we forgive then we forget. He believes that we must not forget because otherwise we become the "scum." Those of us in the art-making world appreciate that art can be constructed to forget, or, to remember, to forgive, to awaken consciousness. We can use our creative imagination to heal what might seem impossible. Or, in Plaid's camp, we can stay mired in good guy/bad guy thinking that protects us against embrace of our own less-than-stellar behavior. I think Rumi was 'on to something' when he said:
"We have no idea what we are."

What to Do When the Unforgivable Happens. The reality is that no one can tell us, with 100% accuracy, how we will react when the painfully unexpected arrives. Nor can anyone else prescribe exactly what will heal the wound. Each case is different. Who knows how the families of those poor souls felt when that plane went down in 1988, nor how they feel today with the perpetrator released so that he can be home with his family.

All I know for certain is that the more devastating the curveball, the more clarity it can bring regarding what your heart values. Amanda has learned that while she cannot change what happened, what she wants to build with her children is the sort of teamwork she had with Jack. This is the memorial she has decided to create, as it is the characteristic she most valued in him.

This brings us to 5 guidelines:

Guideline 1: Identify the number one value that might help you forgive what is so difficult. Amanda chose 'teamwork,' as her guiding principle to get her through unknowns with more sense of choice and control.

Guideline 2: Create an 'act of recognition.' Once you've decided on #1, invent some process that moves you into healing action. The Scots failed to do this for the families of the 1988 tragedy, which is partly what's fueling the present upset. Said Sir Laurens vanderPost, who'd known a number of war crime tragedies himself: "...We need acts of recognition, a means of restoring not only our human dignity, but our sense of belonging..." Jeremy is currently creating interviews for his new baby's 'extended family grandparents.' He's talking to elders who want to grandparent, and have not had the opportunity, and giving each quite a boost in recognition in the process. Says Jeremy: "I was so busy being p/o'd that I was missing the chance to select what would be best for the baby. I never had grandparents around. This little guy is going to have lots and lots."

Guideline 3: Decide whether you want to dwell on the injustices of yesterday, or liberate yourself today. Decide to turn your situation upside down to find a 'give-away' in it, that helps you grow. When my son was killed, I could not change the outcome. What I could do was decide upon the one thing he'd probably want from me to take forward. He had a habit, an attitude, really, of no matter what happened 'play it forward, play on!' He used this on the soccer field, and everywhere he went. Since he wanted us to write a book together, but now he's gone, at least I can sit down each week and do some writing for those, like him, with the same attitude. This is my 'play on.' At least, one of them! Likewise, when the young man who was responsible for my son's death, needed to come see me, to 'lay down that cross,' I forgave him. It wasn't as hard as you might think. All I had to do was think of what I would have wanted from the other family had Matt been responsible for a fatality. Choice is always ours. What we do with it constructs the future narrative of our lives.

Guideline 4: Take a baby size action step every day in the direction of forgiving yourself, for whatever you hold as unforgivable. Be kind to you.

Guideline 5: On particularly hairy days when it is tough to keep trudging down the road to forgiveness, say to yourself at least 4 times: 'Forgiveness is alive in me.' Sometimes, you just have to keep on keepin' on until you, yourself, believe it, too. If you are still finding this difficult, then ask for help in forgiving, in the name of something greater than yourself. When Amanda was having a tough time on Jack's birthday, she asked Jack, in her meditation, to help her forgive him for being gone, for not handling the insurance, for leaving her to raise the kids as a widow. She tells me it helps.

The Big Question. Every single terrible act, intentional or not, asks us a question: for what are we called? Are we called to this earth to get even, to be right? Do you believe we are called here to grow, to contribute, to learn how to become more compassionate more of the time? What if our purpose turned out to be cultivating conditions for gratitude and love? And, what if this requires us to forgive more, including ourselves, and remember that which brings about a more meaningful, joy-filled way of living while we still can?

As always, I appreciate your comments, your stories of forgiveness gained, denied, granted. What's the hardest thing you've ever had to forgive about you/and/or someone else? What helped? Please link this to your family, friends, contacts. The more the merrier!

Love your way, Cara

Comments

[minimalist syntax]

A friend of my told me this saying and I thought it might be helpful to pass it along:
"Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a great battle."

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Your screen name is absolutely perfect for you, minimalist. Your contribution is always so germane, so clear and devoid of fluff. Thanks for your addition. It is so true.

Many blessings and much joy your way,
Cara

[Usedtobequiet]

Cara, have you been spying on me again? You must know that there have been so many times that your posts have deeply touched me when I needed that most.

For anyone that has been in a long term marriage like me, the possibilities of hurting the one we love can be many through the years. I've done some pretty awful things - no excuses.

What I found over the last few weeks when I felt that I had been irreparably hurt was a deep belief that I had to stay with the pain - I had to do it differently this time. First came communication, then more presence, then more communication. I felt like I could barely breathe. Even my running felt bad, like my lung capacity was shutting down; yet I still got out there and tried...and continued to feel what I was feeling after years of stuffing it down.

It all happened so quickly and without warning. I did the hardest thing I had ever done - I forgave myself. Once that was set in motion, my heart cracked open and the pain, compression, resentment and blame dissolved and disappeared. It was instantaneous. What rushed in to take the place of those things is indescribable.

Not only did I forgive myself, I forgave my husband. It was remarkably easy. My former marriage died; what takes its place remains unknown, but I am hopeful.

Love, Usedtobequiet

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

And, I am hopeful for you, Usedtobequiet. What a poignant example, you've offered us here, for how this process works. Isn't it something how we hang onto all that stuff, only do discover that not only can we let it go, but life can flow again through our lives in wondereous ways.

Bravo for you, my friend. It is late here, my suitcases are still unpacked, but I wanted to check in and find how you are. My heart is happy for you.

Know that you are a radiant Light for the heart of why we are here,

Cara

[ThursdayNext]

I really needed to read this tonight. Forgiving and forgiveness is something I have struggled with since I started learning how to stand up for myself and setting my boundaries. It's only been about 10 years since I started the process and I still struggle. I've made great, genuine progress but have recently gone through some drama that is more about the loonies around me than about my own behaviour. Some people just gotta be lunatics and last out at the nearest person. A friend is fond of telling me that I'm expecting rational behaviour from irrational people. And it's true. Reading your article tonight reminded me that I need to find a way to forgive those who snapped out and treated me in a vile and reprehensible manner. Standing up for myself is one way of taking care of myself but now I realize I need to try to step past that and try to see the humanness of these people, and to eventually forgive them. It doesn't mean I will forget what they did to me or that I will ever trust them again, it just means I won't hang onto their pain any longer. It ain't easy but I hope I can get there.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Good for you, ThursdayNext. I often note how we, (myself, included) can get easily caught in the thankless task of carrying somebody else's burden. The crazy thing is that we cannot. It is a dangerous thing to meddle, no matter how convincing the ego might be.

I am thrilled for you. Keep shining in the way that you are. Let me know how you are doing. I am very interested in your process of unfolding. You have a gift, my dear.

Peace and blessings,
Cara

[ThursdayNext]

Dr. Cara,
I am so impressed that you take the time to respond to us. And I appreciate your inspiring words of support. Things have calmed down immensely but I am admittedly still twitchy. You've given me another way to think of things with your comment about carrying somebody else's burden. The same friend who told me about "irrational behaviour" is going far and above the call of friendship for one of those who caused me so much damage and told him that he was more friend than this person deserved. But I was able to leave it at that. We have been friends for a very long time and I hate to see him hurt but his battle is not mine and I choose to set my boundaries so that the lunatic fringe doesn't get any closer. Thank you again.

[kjstjohn]

There is a Mary Oliver poem that I like very much. I do not believe that it applies to all situations where one person does harm to another but it does apply to many.

Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.

(From Thirst)

[minimalist syntax]

That is a beautiful poem!

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

kjstjohn, you are a dear to send this poem. It speaks deeply to my soul. Oliver is one of my favorites, but I did not know this piece. What would I do without you, and others so very generous.

Drop by again. Meanwhile, all that is uplifting your way,
Cara

[saami]

Not forgiving is like taking poison everyday hoping the person you hate will die. When you forgive you regain your dignity and self worth and your peace. Forgiving really helps the forgiver more than the forgiven. Life is too short to haul all of that hate around.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear saami,

You are so very correct. Thanks for the beautiful addition. You've enriched what is here.

By the way, I must ask: do you have any Finn roots in your gene pool????????????

All the best,
Cara

[saami]

Swedish and Saami but no Finns.

[bluecollarblogger]

Wonderful article! Does forgive mean forget, what a question......do I want to forget the last time I fell getting into my boat, do I want to forget the last time I tried walking across a wet marble floor? Each of these experiences caused me a lot of physical pain but I learnt from the experience. I healed, I allowed myself to heal and then took the knowledge I had gained and became smarter more cautious and more aware of my surroundings the next time. I have been hurt in my life by the people who I love the most, and you know what, like all of us I have hurt. I have learnt from these experiences. I allowed myself to heal, to accept the process, I became more aware of my own feelings and who i was and what my vulnerabilities and strengths were, I grew. I am more aware of what I say, what I do, so I do not hurt now and I cause no harm. Do I want to forget, no, I want to learn........more about myself. Some would say that it is not good to remember that it only stirs the memories and rekindles the anger the pain. I believe we cheat ourselves of the only power we have.....to control who we are and what we will become.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

I absolutely LOVE hearing from you, bluecollarblogger. You never cease to amaze and teach me. Trust me: I know it takes time, reflection, and energy to respond to these articles. So, know, personally, that this makes the whole difference to me.

You are a teacher, my friend. Regardless what you do 'for a living,' you are a teacher who lives the important lessons.

Gratitude and care your way,
Cara

[Kari Henley - Huffpost Blogger]

Very thought provoking post this week!
there is such deep complexity within what we can easily forgive, and what we can't.
I love your practical tips to help tackle this tough spots with compassion of
"The moment you accept what troubles you have been given, the doors open."
So true.
Maybe we need to look at this on a national scale and explore our deep political divisions that could use a little forgiveness!
Thanks
Kari

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

You are welcome, Kari. yes, I must say I was having the same thoughts the past two days since Ted Kennedy died. He listened. Whether we agree with his stance or not, he accepted his failings, forgave himself, and went on to make such a difference for so many. Some say that it was his acceptance of his troubles that gave him the impetus to 'do better.'

My love is with you, Kari. So is my enduring gratitude for the leadership you model in our world.
Cara

[Gnrshrtd]

Thanks for the helpful article. You're writing so often offers practical advice, things that can fit into an average person's daily routine.

If I might be so bold, may I contribute another technique? Touch. When I find myself facing someone I have not forgiven for some past offense (real or perceived) to me or a friend of mine, I've found it useful to immediately push my hand out to shake their hand, touch their shoulder, whatever seems appropriate. Somehow, for me anyway, that physical contact makes it more difficult to hold a grudge.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

You are most welcome, Gnrshrtd. I'm glad that you find the invitation­s/tips/gui­delines helpful. I always appreciate it when I get a 'take-away' from what I read. You and I must be 'on the same page!'

As for contribution, please, please always feel free to do so with my articles. I am very interested in our learning from one another, in creating a very real, meaningful conversation. It takes each one of us for that to happen.

As for your tip, I love it! Especially since you suggest the discernment before the 'reach out an touch.' Most of us, most of the time, are so busy in our heads that the extra outreach can build real bridges. Great addition.


Peace and joy to you, my friend,
Cara

[JohnFromCensornati]

"What if our purpose turned out to be cultivating conditions for gratitude and love?"

And what if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about? I don’t see why the benefits of letting go can’t be discussed w/o injecting the supernatural.

My father never threatened to disown me for my gayness, but if he’d lived longer, he might have. For me it was a grinding, relentless humiliation to live with him. Day in and day out, I was reminded how inadequate and disappointing I was to him. The strange thing was that he only once ever really asked me about being gay and I was an adult by then. It was one verifying question from him followed by a one word answer from me and it was never discussed again.
Have I forgiven him? No and living with the homophobia of American society makes that impossible for me.
Have I forgotten? I’m relatively certain that I’ve repressed a whole lot. Does that count?
I believe that my own father hated me while he voiced the opposite. It's a terrible head game for a kid to endure, but I don’t feel hate or anger toward him. I don’t feel anything at all. I do envy people who have a father who cares about them and I’m still not sure what to think about my mother (although I have forgiven her).

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Your story is heart-breaking. Clearly your father did not see or hear you. If he had, he would have delighted in the human being that is his son. Gay or straight is not the issue. Anyone who thinks it is has missed the point. Human beings are human beings. I've known gays and straights who can be unspeakably cruel, as well as straights and gays whose hearts go well beyond compassion. I do not believe it is our gender, or attractions that matters most.

The question is are we willing to know a bigger world, one that transcends our own ignorance and bias? Are we willing to extend ourselves to those we do not know, or, do we 'lump' them into a pool contaminated by our own ignorance and labels.

What happened to you, Johnny, should not have happened. Thanks for speaking up, and speaking out. My, your parents missed so very, very much. Bravo for you.

Good wishes your way. I'm always interested in how you are, and what you'd like to voice.
Cara

[minimalist syntax]

Dear JFC, Truly your parents were blind. I pity them. I find everything about the authentic you beautiful--your words, your gayness, your pain, your clever sarcasm, even your avatars (including the disgusting dog's rear end one) --everything. I think it is a step toward healing for you to voice that you believe your own father hated you and your mother was indifferent to the one who began existence as a part of her own body. That is a very scary feeling to express.

As little kids, it is fun to celebrate Halloween by putting on a mask and running around getting candy and nobody recognizes you. But to be forced to be invisible to your family, to wear a mask to cover up the real you is a tremendous loss.

[JohnFromCensornati]

My mother was not indifferent. She was passive. She did not jump between him and her children. It's easy enough to guess why. I believe she carried a tremendous amount of guilt about that. Like I said, I forgive her.

[jeanneyogini]

I really like your advise on forgiveness. I also find that the understanding of karma returning to us is helpful in finding forgiveness. As you sew, so shall you reap. It may seem unfair to be hurt by another, but it helps to recognize that it is our karma coming back for doing something hurtful to someone, either in this life or another.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

I'm with you, jeanneyogini. There are such some things in life so loaded with complexities, that making space for the philosophy of karma can be quite helpful. For one, it surely brings us back to the moment. Here, we can choose. Here we take action based on our intention. Here, in the present, we attract what's down the road.

Good for you! Blessings for your meaningful contribution, Jeanne.

Cara

[JohnnyKay]

There's no way to "get over it" but you hit upon two of the most important elements of recovery, if not full healing from past injustices. They will remain unjust until we've acknowledged the act, chosen forgiveness over revenge, and heal through the very validation speaking up and out can accomplish for those who've been hurt.

Without complete forgiveness as the ultimate goal not only for the perpetrators in our lives, but forgiveness for ourselves for our too often mistaken belief we are responsible for our own damage and our past inability to protect ourselves from Monsters and the Injustice they provide, the Silence must be broken.

Speak up, speak out, or live in denial and die.

I am an Adult Survivor of horrendous child abuse and sexual molestation from an adoptive mother and a father who buried his head in the sand. They're gone now, but I began this journey as a child, learned immense forgiveness then, and continued it another thirty years. I spoke up, I spoke out and broke my silence of years on end, only to begin anew once evertyhing had been remembered, forgiven again one at a time, and finally released. Today, the memories no longer haunt me night and day. Today, having forgiven them and me, I am at peace.

Most and best of all, I am happy.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

What a remarkable being you must be, Johnny. Hearing your story is both heart-breaking, and unbelievably inspiring. It is clear that you have worked very, very hard to embrace what has happened, through no fault of your own. It is also clear that you are an amazing man, an amazing teacher.

I must add that, as an adoptive mother, (my daughter was adopted by us on day one), I find it unspeakably horrid to suffer abuse from someone who chose you. That two 'parents' could create such hurt in their son is just 'beyond the pale.'

I am so glad for you, your victory, and the peace you've found. I want you to know that as a mom, you are in my heart, and in my prayers. May all good things come your way. Please stay in touch and let me know how you are. I am very interested in your unfolding.

Godspeed,
Cara

[JohnnyKay]

I didn't realize you answered these posts until my own popped up and I began reading other's comments, Dr Barker. It's incredibly kind of you to answer all of us, and I thank you for it.

I have a twin and and an adopted sister; neither of whom have survived their own tortures well. He tells me I got the worst of it, but sometimes I know he's still trying to pretend it never really happened. My sister hasn't spoken to me, let alone civilly, more than twice in the last twenty nine years. Yes, because I spoke out.

I'm the very lucky one, you see. I see it and hope to this day my siblings can recover fully, let alone ehal, but honesty has to accompany the happy life, and I've not seen that yet.

I lost my publisher three years ago for my book on my childhood. Perhaps that will still be my next adventure, and my greatest gift; to remind us all we can do anything with faith hope supplanted by the knowing that we can be free, we can be happy, and we can heal.

Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry for your loss, and I wish you, your husband and your daughter, well.

[khanti]

We can forgive but we cannot forget it is in our system. Sit back, relax and you can still recall those school days when you had your first fight or punishment even though it happened decades ago. You can also recall who punished you.
When China normalized relation with Japan despite the atrocities committed on Chinese citizens during World War 2 the Chinese reminded the Japanese that they can forgive but cannot forget. The only way we can forget is when our recollection faculty is damaged. Taking drugs or alcohol can only make you temporarily forget..
So how to deal with it? In case of hatred we have to reverse our sense of perceiving things by cultivating loving kindness towards that person. Wish that person good health and happiness. It may take time to cultivate sincerity in our wishes but it will happen one day. It works. I practice what I preach. stay with my comments when the right posts comes along I will reveal more ways to deal with ourselves. Remember how we perceive things we always have a choice. Choose the one that do not cause suffering to yourself or to others.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks for your contribution, khanti, which is considerable. The words which truly resonate for me are these:
In case of hatred we have to reverse our sense of perceiving things by cultivating loving kindness towards that person. Wish that person good health and happiness. It may take time to cultivate sincerity in our wishes but it will happen one day. It works. I practice what I preach. stay with my comments when the right posts comes along I will reveal more ways to deal with ourselves. Remember how we perceive things we always have a choice. Choose the one that do not cause suffering to yourself or to others.

May this be our practice. May we forgive ourselves for being imperfect in our practice. may we find joy in the awareness of our choice. May we find the Grace to continue.

Good things to you, my friend,
Cara

[ejones3]

Hi Cara,

I hope you're doing well. I'm sorry to read in Guideline #3 that your son was killed. About 3 years ago next month my uncle Maurice Pegues was robbed and killed on the side of his home. His story was featured on The First 48 A&E as he was a pillar of the community for helping young men with finding summer jobs through his church. Because the boys were under 18 at the time, we're just now finding out their fate and neither is owning up to actually pulling the trigger.

In situations as hurtful as the death of my uncle Maurice and your son and as simple as someone just doing something out of place, forgiving is a difficult thing to do. But once you're able to be that person, I think it's truly a rebirth. I haven't come close, but the reason I'm finding it difficult is the feeling that the person on the receiving end of the forgiveness won't get it and use it as a means of feeling like they've "gotten away" with something. And that's where the challenge lies for me.

Many Blessings,

Ebony

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Ebony,

First, I want you to know how sad I am to learn about your uncle, Maurice. I will hold his memory, too, especially as I notice young people needing an assist. In fact, I shall do what I can in your uncle's name. This was his legacy, and it must not be forgotten.

I love your word, 'rebirth.' Each time I forgive, (and heaven knows, I need all the help I can to do it sooner, including toward myself), I must say that I do feel the twinges of rebirth.

Regarding the challenge you describe, I 'hear you.' I suppose I've gotten to that stage where I've come to appreciate that my withholding forgiveness does nothing to further redemption, or reconcilation for myself or anyone. I figure that the old saying is true: 'what goes around, comes around.' I believe that whatever is coming to the perpetrator is not mine to choreograph. That said, sometimes, the process of letting it all go takes time and for me, patience.

It is always so, so good to hear from you, Ebony. Stay in touch. You are adored.

Cara
P.S. I just know your uncle would be so proud of you!

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Opps! Yes, thanks, Ebony. I am doing much, much better!

Blessings!
Cara

[ejones3]

Thanks for writing another great one. You always seem to speak to what's heavy on my mind and heart.

Take Care,

Ebony

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Wonderful blog Cara, thank you. I have found tremendous inspiration at forgivenes­sproject.c­om, where stories of forgiveness go beyond our imagination. Mayit inspire manny more to take that step.

Joyfully
Den

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Sweet Deb,

Yes, indeed. Thanks so much for this reference. It is a lovely resource, just like you. Its great to hear from you, Sister.

love,
Cara

[BlackYowe]

That was wonderful. Thank you. I am trying hard to forgive a relative that hurt me very badly in 2005 and who has really not accepted responsibility for what he did at all. The trick for me now is if I can forgive can I avoid him doing this unspeakable thing again to me. If I soften will I have the ability to dodge the next bullet when it comes, which I think it will? I want to try to make this relative understand what he did to me without pushing him away forever. That may not be possible.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

The truth is that I don't know, either, whether theoutcome of your situtation will be as you would like. But, I do know this: whenever I soften my heart, it makes it much easier to move, and to 'dodge the next bullet.' When I've hung onto slights, it deadens my movement and my growth.

Perhaps all we can do is to acknowledge to ourselves and 'the other,' when there has been an 'ouch,' to indicate that these hurtful behaviors are no longer permitted, and the hope that the relationship can not only heal, but deepen. Some will. Some won't. But what we can do is make sure that we grow, expand, and invent a better, healthier life from where we are.

Let me know what happens. I'm very interested in your unfoldment.

Blessings, peace and healing,
Cara

[BlackYowe]

Thank you for that very much. I have made some baby steps and I guess every once in a while bristle again and think, if I just let go of this will he take advantage of me? I do love him but what he did was really terrible. I tried when he was visiting in July not to be punchy and tried to reach out some and it did seem like I made some headway towards healing. I think I will wade in a little deeper, Dr. Barker with your encouragement.