Okay, to clear the air, let me just say it: I love HP readers! There, I feel better. Here's the truth, and nothing but my truth. Your responses to last week's "Where Are You Holding Back?" were so stirring, so magnificent in the truth-telling department, that you've got me churning.
So much to write, so little time (and space)! Suffice it to say that for those of you who joined in, including later, I'm taking your requests and questions to heart, and will respond in upcoming pieces. Your experience and insight is just too darn important to dismiss with a pithy reply. The Truth is that, like 'Caller-Response,' we are writing this work together.
Meanwhile, your remarks fired up the neuronal memory banks, retrieving an old Negro Spiritual that my chosen grandmother taught me long ago:
Somebody's knocking at your door...
Somebody's knocking at your door...Oh, Sister,
Oh, Brother,
Why don't you answer?
Somebody's knocking at your door!
Something surely is knocking on our door. In last week's piece, the 'someone' was the 'Evil Stepmother' of Snow White ilk. Many readers responded with incredible stories of meeting their own predator, and remedy. Some of your predators have been 'real' step-monsters. For others, more the internal variety that shows up as self-doubt, mistrust and self-diminishing, distorted reflections in the mirror.
While you were writing me, I was sitting with Max, a former stockbroker, who's come to know the predator called 'fear' in a mighty big way, since the economy's free-fall. He, like you, reminds me that every once in awhile, some brave soul refuses to continue selling their soul, faces themselves, and their task, squarely. Max came for consultation nine months after the Wall Street skids. Schlepping along guilt and despair, he apologized for "taking up your time." The question of Life Meaning was pounding at his metaphorical door, bringing into question pretty much everything. "What can I do?" he asked. "Everything I thought had meaning's gone sour. I've always loved my work, but now, it has hurt people. My wife's divorcing me. The stress of our empty wallet is too much for her, and so is my moping. I have this sinking feeling that life is over."
As Max hung his head in that sort of whipped-puppy mode, I was struck, again, how it is that when the really big and unexpected comes, life is over as we've known it. And, yet, it is the most difficult, and demandingly unexpected that not only takes you to your knees, but often is the source of redemption. It's a choice, a Trust Walk. Everyone's Way is the right one for them. All rivers lead to the same Source.
Regardless your chosen Way, a central common denominator has to do with "Cliff Notes #2: Letting Go, meaning, expanding your life means getting better at letting go. It means you've got to separate from the pack, the old familiar way of seeing yourself in the mirror." It also means confronting what's in that mirror, what's at your door, as necessary. Here's how HP reader, Jeanie describes what catalyzed her own process:
The catalyst was a moral dilemma which grew into a mid-life crisis, precipitated by years of dissatisfaction with myself, and exacerbated by the stress of going back to school, teaching part-time, and trying to be a loving wife and mother ... The usual stuff. I finally leaped into the abyss and found a net waiting for me at the bottom. Nine years later I discovered Jungian psychology; that was when the joy began ...
Something else met her at the door besides the Predator, the Protector:
Recognizing the voice of my Spiritual Bully -- but choosing to believe the ... positive Crone instead, has been life-changing ... I can hear her in waking life as well. She's the Alpha Mare who says to my Spiritual Bully stallion when he gets too inflated, "I hear you, Buddy, but I'm not buying what you're selling. I think it's time you got a new job. How about helping me follow my bliss instead of criticizing me for being human?"
Now, this is powerful stuff. We have the power of push-back, participation. It is one thing to do the blah, blah, blah, the intellectual hoo-hah about awakening, and quite another to 'do the do.' Consider this analogy. You can try to understand the ocean by flying over it. Just like the psyche, we can agree that the field below is vast. This is not the same thing, however, as stepping into the water and having your own experience with the briny.
If you want a spectacular peek, check out the new Disney film that aired on Earth Day, Oceans. As you're ushered into the material, imagine that, just as physical nature has majesty to it, so does human nature. Humpback whales jumping out of the sea, are Herculean forces, yes, but so are yours, stirring in your depths, coming your way. There's a dance going on, if we are willing to put on those dancing shoes, and get rolling.
Never Say Never.
Getting better at letting go requires that we make more choices to Trust the Process, discovering the healing power this brings. Sometimes, what need's shedding is self-doubt, or attachment to the way your dream 'should' manifest. Listen to 'little brother's' story:
Self-limiting thoughts and behavior stalk my creativity like a cold hungry coyote who's been driven from the pack. It's desperate and unpredictable. It'll be gnawing at the first shoot of an idea before I even realize that I've let it kill my desire ... I've accepted that nowhere exists the great Guru with all of the answers; there is no authority figure for living life. I trust myself to find the tools that help me. Often the tools are actually the removal of limits I've placed upon myself.
Just two days ago I was talking with a friend ... who is an exceptional guitar player and singer. He said he wanted to get together and jam. I told him I get a little shy playing with musicians who are so much better than I. He told me a truth that I already knew but wasn't remembering, "It's not a competition, it's just about playing and having fun."
Amen, brothers and sisters. When Predator speaks, he tries to knock us out of the game, rob us of our music, often, by comparisons. Can we give that one a rest? What if you 'gave up for Lent,' (you don't have to be Catholic to do so), this 'comparison beast,' and turned, instead to Practicing Play? In a 10 year research project of mine (Inner City: World Weary Woman: Her Wound and Transformation), it was apparent that the nearly atrophied muscle of these mover-and-shaker types, was creative play. Life Force moves best through Creation without resistance.
Letting Go of Impatience. Just as instructive, for every 'Max' out there, were feyangel's words:
It took me a few years to re-determine new goals and intentions ... a new game-plan. But finally I have reoriented myself and gotten a grasp of the new territory I am seeking to master as I grow older ... a bigger part of my focus is ENJOYING the life I have created.
Bill, from Montana, also shared a terrific tale about seeing himself with a hockey stick, in a hockey uniform as a child, not playing, but in the get-up. It was not until he became a man that, and this image from the deep. The Two Million Year Old Ancient, in our psyche, knows what 'he's' doing.
Sometimes, what needs releasing, for your own well-being, has to do with stuck-ness, misunderstandings, or old ways of relating to Predators and Protectors, alike. The worst stress is loss. Not only loss of someone you love, but the loss of an outlet for your unique way of loving your way of Original Belonging to the world, your contribution that has no apparent outlet.
Unexpected guests come and the center of gravity shifts. No small wonder that ancient myths portray this so often as a life teaching. When they appear, often in disguised forms, they test our genuine humanity, such as Jupiter and Mercury, Philemon and Baucus, Allah through Khidr. But, here's the kicker. I cannot be any kinder, and more humane to you, than I am willing to be with myself. The test is ongoing.
To be continued.
What Protector would you like to greet at your door today? How has the Protector shown up in unexpected forms, and ways? What Predator would you like to lose? What would you advise Max? I'm listening!
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Dr. Susan Corso: The Traveling Sanctuary: A Spiritual Approach to Unplugging and Recharging
Dr. Cara Barker: Loving Out Loud, Even With Impossible People
Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.: Why You Fear Love and Success
Peace to you, Mary
I am, by nature, a great one for doing an "Indiana Jones," stepping off the precipice assuming support," the bridge," the "walk-way" will magically appear as I take that first step. And sometimes I have crashed onto the Valley floor-- which hurt, but was lived through-- but/and that happened cos I had the Vision, the Dream, but not a clear assessment of who I am, what my "in-place" skill-set was/is and what the "environment" was/is, what would be required of me--and the interface between all that.
Right now, I feel/think that the difference between self-judgment and self-assessment is the emotional intent-- hmm, like am I just "being mean" to myself-- and/or am I Present in the neutrality and honesty of my process. That seems to be my Wisdom part coming in to balance my Inspiration, Enthusiasm, Visionary (and maybe Fantasy) parts. )
And these thoughts are a work in process.
Your process of making distinctions, feyangel, is more than rich. Your comments are so, so timely. Please check my Wednesday article and you will see what I mean!
Much appreciation your way! Honestly, I feel like we are doing a bit of co-writing, and what a joy it
is! You definately need to 'be in print.'
Cara
Love,
Cara
well max is a lucky man(i know thats not the starting line, hey max you hit the jackpot!) tho he did., he has a life changing realization for the betterment of his soul and those whom he contacts everyday.and a fair weather wifey out of his life. most wounds of this type while actue, heal. he was way worse off living a life of illusion. i think max is going to end up being a "pay it forward" kinda guy.
i think so much of what we need is disernment as opppossed this harsh judgement.
i realized thru your blog last week, pushing worked b4, but things have changed, deteriorating issues are forcing me to re work my plan. your plan seems like the more correct course of action. im also taking a lesson from khanti, Arithrianos posts. im going to listen more, accept more, my plan kept me going against all odds, but now i have to open more to the beast than katie bar the door. ill let you know how i am doing.
i love you doc cara....
pema
You and Arithrianos are blowing me away. You sing to your pain? You wash it with love and acceptance? You are a leader in my learning which I guess is what a teacher does! (Like DUH Bill.)
Much gratitude to you Cara and to Arithrianos too for teaching. Thankfully I have never had serious pain in my body that lasted long. My most profound lesson has been in letting go of vindictiveness towards someone who I felt had betrayed me badly. With months of meditation my vindictiveness was quite suddenly washed away by waves of empathy and foregiveness. It was maybe my greatest accomplishment and greatest lesson of my life. A story for another time.
A Big Mountain, Whitefish hug to you Cara and to Arithrianos and to all our family here at The Huff!
Bill
and do you get fish hugged back? i musta missed another trend while i was counting my age in dinasour years...
much respects
pema
Loved this article. Thank you, Cara.
Mia Rose
http://www.healinglovenotes.com
I have some physical problems (fibro being the biggest general aggravation to live with), but that's not my predator. No, it's my fear that, no matter how I try, I'll never manage to be more than a *competent* writer or musician. Oh, I've had my moments; I've occasionally surprised myself. ("where did THAT come from?!?")
But all my life I've been haunted by a line from Louisa May Alcott's LITTLE WOMEN. (I wanted to grow up to be Jo, of course!) For those of you who remember the book, Laurie (Lawrence) wants to be a composer. Finally, after listening to one of Mozart's operas, he realizes "Talent isn't genius, and you can't make it so." He has talent; he doesn't have genius. So he gives up.
I have talent; I know that. I started in piano, I've done some composing (you can see why I identify with Laurie!), I've had books published. But then I will hear wonderful music, or read a book that brings me to both joy and tears together, and I realize how very short I fall. And so I tend to give up.
This one's more than a predator; it's an assassin! Knowing your limits, when you want so much MORE, can cripple the spirit more than any physical aliment can cripple the body.
Your process of working with suffering/pain, is one I practice. Many years ago, I had a paralysis, and was told only surgery could correct the situation. Instead, I meditated for six months, while on leave, worked and played with the symtoms, and yes, even sang to them, as well. In time, I began to realize that 'they' were messengers, doing their best to communicate to me something that was vital in terms of the life change that was coming to my door. I am so grateful. The kind and generous way, for me, is the only way healing has ever come about in my experience.
Peace, blessings, and appreciation to you, Arithrianos,
Cara
Sometimes the predator wins the battle. But he doesn't have to win the war. Several weeks ago I quit smoking. I started on Monday and was doing well. Then Friday came. My wife and I were going out to a bar with some friends and I became consumed with projected difficulty I'd have not smoking in a bar while drinking. By 7 o'clock in the evening, I had convinced myself that it would be impossible and rather than prolong the agony, I smoked a cigarette right then and there.
I like Jeanie's imagery of her alpha mare putting her bully stallion in his place; very vivid and easy to reach when needed. I use my favorite mantra (I am) and the image of me standing alone and expanding the view to a meadow, then me standing on the planet and finally the planet as an infinitesimal part of the universe. As I become more aware of how awesome it is just to be, unreal limits disappear and I'm left with a rational decision between value and effort.
By the way, it took me a whole day and four read throughs to formulate my comment.
love,
little brother
Now, my friend, I am bolstered by your adaptation of Jeanie's Alpha Mare in the meadow. I LOVE it.
And, for the record, I love you too.
Cara
Well, I missed your post last week and reading this week's I feel like I must have missed quite the party. You and your clan are having a lovely time together, I can see that. In the end, it all comes down to relationships, doesn't it? I certainly am thanking my angels for the Protectors in my life these days. I am surrounded by them. And the Predators? I'm choosing to Consciously Forget them! I've done a pretty good job of it too!
Wisdom 2.0 here we come! See you soon and can't wait!
Much love
Judith
We are in countdown mode...............til Doors!
Love,
Cara
I do suspect that you are right: that this material has been a Familiar to you for ages. My dear, you seem to be 'cut' from the same 'cloth.' There is nothing like the natural world to return us to our rhythm, and help create the safety to remind us how to shed what no longer 'fits.' The long walks for Max are a most excellent 'prescription.' I cannot help but think how much better off we all would be if we would all go for those early morning sunrise walks,and likewise, at sunset. There's nothing like the cycles of the day to bring us back Home to our true nature, the Self.
By the way, when did you live in San Francisco?????
Love,
Cara
The Jungian work has come to me through some of the next generation thinkers and writers, especially Hillman and Moore. I lived in San Francisco in 1994-1996 and then in Berkeley where i was a PhD student for another eight years after that - with several years in Santa Fe/Los Alamos while i was doing doctoral work and writing my thesis. New Mexico is one of the last wild, open places and I came to love northern New Mexico - nature, vistas, art, culture, food - and it was Berkeley's Tilden Park that kept me moving through the long, lonely process of writing my thesis. Interestingly, my landlord in the Berkeley Hills was a minister who was in the process of courting and marrying one of the leaders of the men's movement (a follower of Joseph Campbell and well-known author and psychologist in the Jungian tradition) so i came to know him during that time too.
Now i split my time between the Central Coast of California and Baton Rouge. I have a 18 month old daughter and find that our time in nature is a way of communing not only with each other but also with the larger world. I always try teach and demonstrate gratitude to the trees and flowers and earth. For Max as for her (and me) nature has new lessons to teach us at every life stage (and it is possible that nature's lesson is all one lesson with many facets).
Jude
For the record, I couldn't agree more with your statement: "Life isn't like an off the rack shirt for me. I've found something which fits me." It's all about finding the custom fit that is right for each of us, which will be unique. Off the rack is not where it's at. That you are comfortable and content is something upon which the Buddha would smile, as the Master Teachers. Getting there, however, can be an issue at times.
Just a thought: all Calls might not be sales calls, but perhaps, an invitation.
All good things your way, Larry,
Cara
that's indeed VERY powerful stuff. Here's why I think so: it's probably good enough to silence the predator, at least for a while. And what that means is that it is more than good enough to silence any real person who might try to really have a controlling impact on us, or to hold us back.
The strength of the predator lies in the fact that it is WE who have created him. No human being alive could be that strong. And that's how we know that as soon as we have successfully fought the predator, we have really managed to free ourselves - with not much left to do but to follow our bliss.
I don't know whether that helps Max. But if his wife is divorcing him because of the empty wallet while he is suffering from finding out that he has hurt other people with his work that he loved his entire life, then I'd say the divorce isn't a loss, but good riddance.
Peace and blessings,
Cara
Ah, the junk drawer! You are so right that sometimes the hardest thing is to face what's in it. Even re-reading earlier drafts of works to be completed (or complete) can seem like meeting an older version of ourselves and can instill some mighty strong fears. Let alone the junk drawer! Oh, pooh...
Hugs,
Cara
But much more importantly, what's singing to me is all the stuff that has influenced my choice of subject that I have been working on for a while now. It's like a grand opening up of all the voices that went into the texts I have been reading and digesting. They didn't make much sense for a while when viewed in conjunction, only for themselves. But I had that hunch that they are really singing the same song. Turns out they did. Only without knowing.
And then somehow it occurred to me that it has to be that way because I didn't have that hunch for no reason. That's a critical juncture, because if I had listened to the predator at that juncture I would have concluded that I am merely rediscovering my own fantasies, nothing real. But that's predator talk. Truth is that THE PROCESS of doubt during which I had no more than the hunch, and didn't hear the singing yet, is the work. So it's not just a fantasy.
That doesn't mean it's easy to communicate to others or even to write it down comprehensibly. But it means that the process of writing it down is a worthy source of confusion. :-)
A big of coffee induced fantasy....What if all the HP readers sent our Inner Judges on a vacation. How about a week in the South of France or perhaps Fiji. We could see the amazing joy in our lives. Perhaps if they had all that sun n' fun they could come back refreshed and content.
I adore you. Thank you so much for sharing,
Eli
Your Sister in the Cause,
Cara
With your Max, give him a huge hug! I know it does not solve anything but there are times we just need the simple warmth of human connection. No conditions.
My guest and Visitor is my neuroma - so called benign, but I often hear myself calling it (him) benevolent because it does bring blessings and gifts of greater awareness, and my need to be more gentle and accepting with myself.
This week I had a Monday. Lots to do (I thought) but I got stuck and was not able to move on anything. All plans had to be abandoned as I accepted it was not the day to do what I thought was to be done. I took the pressure off. That was my first smart move. And I took it easy. Did only what really had to be done, and not very much of that.
The next day, whatever had been bugging me had gone and I was back to "much better than before". I claim to be surrendering to a higher level of guidance. Sometimes, I have to be stopped in my tracks so that I do honour my intention. Fascinating thing, this Life.
Predator I would like to lose? The Pushy One, when she tries to take over.
Keep them coming, dearest Sister!
Huge love to you,
Anne
Perhaps this is the teaching of your neuroma, Judith's health scare this year, and my upcoming foot surgery the end of July. Time to chill, take in, enjoy.
You are so dear to my heart,
Cara
Another wonderful post. I especially love the way you play so freely and spontaneously with your writing. It sings with originality and authenticity!
I wonder if Max might have had a dream that highlighted his Predator and/or Protector. For me, working with the images Dream Mother sends me -- carrying them around with me, inviting them to talk to me when I'm driving my car, asking them questions and listening for their answers, writing about what I learn from them -- was and continues to be instrumental in my own waking-up and letting-go process.
My best,
Jeanie
For the record, I too, am a devotee of Dream Mother. Her gifts are so useful. Max is new to this process of Active Imagination and so on, but he is a quick study. I will direct him to your words, and I'm confident he will find it very affirming.
Tell me about your Protector/Predator's whereabouts this week. What's lifting your heart? Where have you been feeling most connection, encouragement?
Love,
Cara
The past birthday week I mostly heard Protector who congratulated me for nurturing the love of my family and friends. My Spiritual Bully Predator is always trying to sneak in, but I told him he couldn't crash my party. He's learning some manners so he stayed away!
Love,
Jeanie