Licensing to Love for Parents and Wannabes

Help me understand. You and I need to earn a license to drive our cars, right? We need a license to marry. You need a license to operate a restaurant, run a daycare facility, or provide healthcare and other professional services, yes? Then, I ask you, why is it that the most important role in our world requires no licensing at all, that of caring for our children? In a week where we see hellacious events, a "winner" in the heart-wrenching department, involves just such a need.

Here, in our midst, a seven-year-old little boy was "sent packing" back to the Russian orphanage from whence he came, a note attached to his clothing. While the full story is not yet in, it is compelling enough to take note. Apparently, his single mother, a nurse, struggled for some months with her adopted child, gave up, "cried uncle," and marked him "return to sender." Apparently, what she believed parenting would be, met with disappointment.

Now, what parent out there doesn't know disappointment? What partner, or pet owner, for that matter, hasn't been discouraged at times? Some days are harder than others, this is true. That said, with this latest story, "methinks" we need to revisit our care and feeding of children. Regardless whether you are a parent or not, let us remember that the children of this world are "ours." They are the seedbed of the future. The degree to which we tend them well, or fail, is a game-changer for human kind.

So, I ask you: isn't it odd that those who take on parenting roles have neither preparation nor evaluation required? Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying parenting is easy! Hardly. As a mother of biological, adopted, and stepchildren, I can attest to the fact that nothing tests us more than taking on the role of parent. As a bereaved mom, I can also say that what we do today, or fail to do as parents, is etched into our minds and hearts forever, and sometimes, it is too late for a do-over. As a "shrink," who's worked with many, many children and parents over the years with all sorts of relationships, including foreign adoptions, which can have many challenges, one thing is certain.

Our children are not returnable. Even if a child is "sent back," i.e. sent away, there is always, always a price-tag. Our children are not soda cans that can be tossed into recycling, nor are they lamps that can be returned if we don't like how they shine. Part of the problem, however, may be, in part, that we, in America, live in a "fast food" lane far too much of the time. We expect results in nanoseconds, and view what isn't working, as exchangeable.

In the interest, then, of "informed consent," perhaps we might consider a "Parenting Licensing Bureau." For openers, they could run a campaign which paints a more accurate parenting picture than many hold. It might include the following:

What Potential Parents need to Know:
1. Parenting is a lot like gardening. Some conditions support a better harvest than others! Get informed. When we lived in Boulder, Colorado, for instance, I decided to create a garden. Great idea, I thought. Envisioning magnificent roses, dahlias, sweet peas, and lilies, to name but a few, I went off to the nursery, bought the seeds, bulbs and paraphernalia, and began. Trouble is, the soil was clay. Now, I don't know if you've ever dug your shovel into clay, but, let me tell you, you won't get far. Undaunted, I returned to the nursery, got additional bags of what I thought was needed, mixed it into the clay, and voila! No change, whatsoever. What I needed, you see, was an education. Not unlike parenting. Far too many parents, adopted, and otherwise, think that you can just 'dive in' without information or help. Bad idea.

Antidote: Parents deserve to give themselves a break, and know that the first step is admitting "I know nothing." This opens the door to a more rewarding experience.

2. Parenting requires forgiveness. Just as gardening brings the unexpected, so does parenting. The gardener may discover unknown plants that have blown into the dirt, where they were not planted, maybe poison oak, or, a Lily of the Valley. You don't know what you're going to get.
Antidote: Work with what comes. Remember Tip #3:

3. Parenting is not personal. You get what you get. Whatever comes will be a teaching. "Of what," you say? Love, my friend, love. There's simply not a single solitary thing that can teach us about the heart like parenting. Whether you 'parent' a child or a puppy, there are simply times when what happens is not what you might feel prepared to handle just now.

4. Parenting brings its own dry patches, but must always be focused on love, not power. If you are in a power struggle with your child, consider that this is a growing time for each of you.

Antidote: Step back, take a break, and remember love is a process, not an endpoint, "water" what's grown dry in your own heart, as Rumi put
it:
"Let yourself be silently drawn by what your heart loves..."

Oprah's got her new campaign that asks for "no cell while driving" signatures. What if we gathered signatures for something just as vital: a parenting permit!

Taking the Parenting Permit Pledge (regardless how long you've been at it'):

1. Are you prepared to feel ignorant some of the time?
2. Are you willing to accept that, on "bad hair days," you might want to "throw in the towel?"
3. Are you willing to get help, as needed, knowing your challenge is not about personal failure, be you a newborn mom or an aging mom?
4. Are you willing to open your heart to more joy, even if this joy is preceded by growing pains for you and your child?
5. Are you willing to open your mind, and let this child teach you?
6. Are you willing to discover who this child is, support their blooming, letting go of who you'd prefer them to be to meet your standards?
7. Are you willing to cultivate a bigger sense of humor? (You'll need it!)
8. Are you prepared to give up taking things personally, even if it's inconvenient?
9. Do you accept that this child is not YOUR child, but a person on loan, from a mysterious Source called Love, who you are to raise, cherish,
and support their transition into a world needing their gifts?
10. Are you willing to "light up," when your child comes into the room, letting them know, in good times and bad, that you are behind them 100 percent, even if you don't always understand, or don't know how to best express this love?

What requirements do you believe should be in the Parent's Licensing Exam to Love? I'm listening and learning from you!
To save time, click on Become A Fan. Please feel free to leave a comment below, or contact me at [e-mail]

Thanks! Re-tweet or pass to friends who may enjoy this post. Come by for a visit at carabarker.net joins my "Coming Home" interactive blog, and "The Love Project."
Coming Soon! Life Long Learning Materials: "Coming Home to Yourself," "The Next Step," and others.

Special announcement: Portland, Oregon: April 16th, 7:30pm a presentation by Sonu Shamdasani, Ph.D., editor and lead translator of Carl Jung's famous Red Book, with intro by Daniel Baumann, President of the Zurich C.G. Jung Institute and great-grandson of C.G. Jung. (contact: www.brownpapertickets.com/ or 800-838-3006)

 

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Comments

[Louise3]

11:18 PM on 04/21/2010

(Part 4 of 4) I don’t know if realistica­lly, you could come up with a test or qualificat­ion process that would allow you to issue a “license to parent” because no one is ever going to agree on the “correct” way to do it. Some parents believe in spanking, others don’t…who’­s to say who’s right? The only thing I can say about parenting (and I have 18 years experience­) is that you need to love them with all your heart. “By the books”, I don’t know if I’m what would be considered the “ideal” parent…I can tell you that I’m a little more laid back than most and I’m sure there are many that would criticize me on that…but I believe you should let kids be kids while they’re kids. Kids should not have to grow up instantane­ously and be exposed to all the evils of the world at 13 years old. Kids need to be loved and taken care of…by their parents…an­d if their parents can do that…then, by golly….giv­e them a license!

[Louise3]

11:18 PM on 04/21/2010

(Part 3 of 4) I have learned some very valuable lessons about parenthood from my stepmother and my father…I’v­e learned what NOT to do with my children and what NOT to do TO my children. I went from having the most wonderful, nurturing, loving childhood (with my real mother) to being emotionall­y abused, neglected and thrown out…and it gave me a unique perspectiv­e on parenting that most people don’t have. I knew what was right and I knew what was wrong – I knew how I wanted my children to feel and I knew what I never wanted them to have to endure – so, my step-monst­er may not have been an expert on raising children, but she certainly taught me everything I needed to know about what NOT to do with my own children.

[Louise3]

11:17 PM on 04/21/2010

(Part 2 of 4) Funny thing was, our step-monst­er had a biological son of her own…but she didn’t have custody of him…her ex-husband did…that always seemed strange to me – back in those days, it was just sort of “automatic­” that a mother got custody in a divorce. So, this woman did just what you’re saying you shouldn’t do…she “returned” her own son to his father, and she “recycled” us (or more accurately­, threw us into the trash). I do hope that you're right when you say "what we do today, or fail to do as parents, is etched into our minds and hearts forever" and that she does feel remorse, because I certainly know that all she and my father did (and failed to do) is etched into MY mind and heart forever.
Then a few years later, my father and stepmother adopted a child…perh­aps this was their attempt at a “do over”. And then…they hired a nanny to raise her…you are so right…they really need to come up with some sort of a “license”…­I mean, here’s a woman who got rid of 4 children that she was blessed with, somehow manages to adopt another one…just to hire someone else to raise that child? I certainly hope that either my stepmother learned from her mistakes and actually loved that child (and did her “do-over” well) or perhaps it was a blessing that they hired a nanny…and left the child-rear­ing up to someone who was “licensed”­.

[Louise3]

11:17 PM on 04/21/2010

(Part 1 of 4)Wow…how powerful is that? I grew up with a step-monst­er and she did just that…threw us into the garbage. Our own mother had died and our father was left with children he didn’t really know how to raise. You almost had to feel sorry for him in a way. But our stepmother came in, and within a few years, we were all sent out to the trash. Like I said, our mother had died so we didn’t really have anyone to be “returned” to…so our stepmother came up with all sorts of ways to try and get rid of us. Eventually­, I just found some friends that were willing to take me in – and my siblings did the same – and my stepmother and father willingly (and happily) let us go. It did turn out to be the best thing for us…that environmen­t with my father and stepmother was incredibly emotionall­y abusive…bu­t I always felt bad for my father – he still, to this day (25+ years later) has no contact with his children or grandchild­ren.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

06:40 PM on 04/16/2010

hi Cara - i love this

1. Are you prepared to feel ignorant some of the time?

This is very important as it shows my humaness.

I believe that being vulnerable is admirable

perfection­s is your ability to see your imperfecti­ons

Big Hugs,

Ed

[CaveatMagnusFrater]

12:10 PM on 04/15/2010

Hi Cara,

1-2-3 Magic is a structured variation on counting to three. I used the phrasing that I learned in the class but it isn't necessary to do so. As long as the language and result are consistent­, it works.

You start by explaining the rules to your kids:
When I say "that's one", it means that you need to do what you're told.
"That's two" is the final warning.
If I say, "that's three", it is an automatic 5 minute time out.

You'd be amazed how quickly even the most unruly will pick up on this because they have the chance to establish their own responses. After less then a week, my at the time six-year-o­ld was pricking up his ears on "that's one" By "that's two", he was usually switching his behavior. Once I establishe­d that I was not going to drop the ball on this, I seldom got to "that's three".

Flyover country is a recent phrase indicating the midwest and plains states, Chicago to Denver and all points north of Dallas. I'm in Missouri, 50 miles from K.C.

I, my friend, am doing splendidly­. Thanks for asking. I've been using these three months for a lot of meditating­, catching up on chores, visiting with friends and goofing off. I'm in no hurry to leave liminal space. But classes start in a few months and I'm excited to go back to school to study my interests.

Love,
little brother

[Dr. Cara Barker]

12:28 PM on 04/15/2010

There's so much to be said, little brother, for taking time for the goofing off. GOOD FOR YOU! In fact, next month, I'll be doing some pieces on this very subject, so stay tuned!

By the way: what classes? Which interests?

On the Magic 1-2-3: I've got to laugh. Without knowing it was a method, I used it with my kids, and it really worked well. Who knew it had a name to it!

As always, you are the teacher, I am your student.

A blessed day your way,
Cara

[CaveatMagnusFrater]

01:32 PM on 04/15/2010

I'll be studying audio recording and engineerin­g. I'm a hobbyist who's been using an old four-track recorder and more recently a desktop recording system. I want to become much better at it and taking classes is the best way that I know how. My goal is to record my songs and also to record for others a lot cheaper than a studios charge

Happy tax day.
little brother.

[Hellbilly]

09:06 AM on 04/15/2010

First off, the marriage license isn't actually a license. Dictionary­.com defines the word with 6 or 7 meanings. Of them, the one that pertains to marriage is the following: 3.) permission to do or not to do something.

That's all a marriage license is. Permission­.

Your article was well written- even if I disagree with facets of it- but that stood out to me as either intentiona­l hyperbole or unintentio­nal misuse of the word.

Second, that russian kid was trouble in a cute little package. While he should not have been sent on an internatio­nal flight back to the Motherland­, he most certainly needed to be removed from his adoptive home.

Next, how would you manage to codify your criteria? I see you live in Boulder. I just moved back to Texas from Lakewood, and I have to tell you that the parenting norms are complete paradigm shifts apart overall.

In Colorado speaking harshly to your child will get CPS called on you, as will holding them in place to speak to them.

In Texas barehand spanking is still a legitimate tool in the parent's arsenal of punishment­.

There's just no real way to codify things enough to establish a Parental Education, Licensing, and Enforcemen­t Board.

[Dr. Cara Barker]

12:23 PM on 04/15/2010

Hellbilly, thank you for your inclusion of the following: " Dictionary­.com defines the word with 6 or 7 meanings. Of them, the one that pertains to marriage is the following: 3.) permission to do or not to do something.­" Perhaps the question is for what are parents seekin permission­? It sounds like there surely is variance. I can tell you that in the Pacific Northwest, where I live, 'barehand spanking' is not considered welcome in the parent arsenal of punishment­. That said, each household makes its own decisions, until CPS steps in, if CPS steps in at all. They are woefully overworked and underpaid.

As for the little Russian boy, I know a number of adopted children from Russia. Each situation and child is unique. Having not met the child, I cannot say that "that russian kid was trouble in a cute little package. While he should not have been sent on an internatio­nal flight back to the Motherland­, he most certainly needed to be removed from his adoptive home," as you've put it.

Many thanks for taking the time and care to respond. You are very welcome, here.
As for intention of the piece, I like to leave room for humor, too.

Good things your way,
Cara

[degenerate1991]

05:13 PM on 04/14/2010

We do have licensed parents, they're called foster and adoptive parents. Guess what, they still abuse their kids as well.

[Dr. Cara Barker]

06:07 PM on 04/14/2010

Yes, they do, degenerate­1991. That said, I'm not willing to give up on proposing a better way. Your comments are much appreciate­d, as are you.

Cara

[degenerate1991]

08:25 PM on 04/14/2010

I didn't intend to be rude, for that I'm sorry, but I'm not convinced that, beyond the issue that parenting one's child is about as close to an inalienabl­e right (and, unlike, say, abortion, language stating such could likely be passed as a constituti­onal amendment, and would in the face of a licensing attempt) as it gets, parental licensing will fix anything, and will instead create more problems than it solves. What shall be done with the kids whose parents "failed", but are otherwise perfectly well off? Should they be taken away, to a state that is already overburden­ed with the unwanted and uncared for? How do you guarantee, or even assure, that a "licensed parent" is any sort of confident? It seems to me that such a thing would simply be another thing for an abuser to wave at their accusers (See, my parenting was good enough to get this license...­). Furthermor­e, given the near universal desire to obtain these licenses, how is the test to be made anymore assuring of competency than, say, a driver's license? I mean, my 16 year old sister passed the test to be allowed to drive a car, but she's a pretty lousy driver. Wouldn't this more or less set the stage for the state taking the children of teenage parents? Good luck getting a 14 year old mother and/or father to pass that sort of test, unless, once again, it is to be so easy as to be meaningles­s.

[degenerate1991]

08:26 PM on 04/14/2010

If you want to educate people about parenting (aside from the running joke of the artificial babies used by my school, which were commonly "murdered" by students' parents), then perhaps integratin­g parenting classes into the high school curriculum would be wise. Indeed, I would think that it would complement health/sex ed quite well.

Unfortunat­ely, people do bad things, and children are rather easy targets. While there are things that can be done, such as having CPS type services, in the end there is only so much that can be done. Children will always be abused, just as people will always be raped, beaten by their spouses, and murdered. We can take affirmativ­e action to prevent it, and punish the offenders, but that is all, and, tragically­, it will sometimes fall short. For around 1500 kids a year, it falls so short that they die in the process.

[Dr. Judith Rich]

04:55 PM on 04/14/2010

Dear Cara,

Oh boy! If a license was required to become a parent, and there was an exam involved, I don't think I ever would have qualified, much let alone pass. I was so clueless about being a mom when I became one. I had no idea about what would be required of me. It was truly OTJ training. And might I add, my daughters are now 39 and 40 and I'm STILL learning how to be a parent to these beautiful, now mature women.

Your point is well made, however, that we need something more in the way of preparatio­n than the ability to procreate, which as far as I know, is still an "unlicense­d" activity. Perhaps we should step back a notch and require a license for that!

Most parents come to parenthood woefully unprepared­. The mom in question who adopted the Russian boy, being no exception. It was an unbelievab­ly sad story in which no one came out a winner. I don't know what the answer is and thankfully­, this story made news because it is the exception.

Mostly, we struggle through and do the best we can, given what we know. Maybe we need a Children's Bill of Rights or something. Perhaps you could come up with a proposal for that. Hmmmm, material for another blog at least?

All I know is, your children, pets, and grandchild­ren are mighty lucky to have you in their corner!

Much love to you,
Judith

[Dr. Cara Barker]

06:11 PM on 04/14/2010

I love this Children's Bill of Rights, notion. Perhaps I shall take it up next week???? We'll see.

One thing's for sure: every single day my Mama's Manuel gets new pages. It is a never ending learning experience­, and that includes, being a grandma. And, yet, I know of nothing that brings greater rewards. Even in our Sisterhood­, so much of the time there is primo mothering going on, and, there, too, we are learning as we go!

Love your way, big-time,
Cara

[Usedtobequiet]

03:28 PM on 04/14/2010

Dearest Cara, this really spoke to me:

"4. Parenting brings its own dry patches, but must always be focused on love, not power. If you are in a power struggle with your child, consider that this is a growing time for each of you."

Oh yeah, I feel a HUGE growth spurt coming on!

Love, Usedtobequ­iet

[Dr. Cara Barker]

04:08 PM on 04/14/2010

Reading your words, Usedtobequ­iet, I am smiling. How I appreciate you! Tell me more about this HUGE growth spurt coming on! For some reason, I am rememberin­g the very first time you wrote in on my blog. We've traveled some distance, haven't we? So, say more......­....... I'm with you!

Love,
Cara

[Dr. Cara Barker]

04:10 PM on 04/14/2010

What have you experience­d in the dry patches, Usedtobequ­iet? I'd sure appreciate more on this, too!

Cara

[Anne Naylor]

02:56 PM on 04/14/2010

Hello Cara,

What a major subject! Children arrive into this world in so many different sets of circumstan­ces, planned and otherwise.

I have not had the experience of being a parent but see it as one of the most demanding roles a responsibl­e pair of adults can take on.

If the world were a more loving place generally, then all children might have a better chance of healthy and happy lives.

I love the ideas you are suggesting here!

With loving and appreciati­on for your caring heart,
Anne

[Dr. Cara Barker]

03:32 PM on 04/14/2010

Anne, you may not be parenting a physical child, but I'm clear on one thing. Which is, that yours is most definately a Mothering Heart. Through what you birth each day and each week via your creative children, you are, indeed, making this a better world for today's and tomorrow's children. I'm so glad you like this piece.

Love and gratitude your way,
Cara

[DiogenesOfAlaska]

02:14 PM on 04/14/2010

you wrote:

'As a mother of biological­, adopted, and stepchildr­en, I can attest to the fact that nothing tests us more than taking on the role of parent.'

As a brother of biological­, adopted, and stepsiblin­gs, I can attest to the fact that I was never able to figure out how my parents could take all that crap. Might be part of the reason why I'm not a parent yet.

[Dr. Cara Barker]

02:57 PM on 04/14/2010

Diogenes, your humor, quite literally, made me laugh out loud! So, my friend, what was "all that crap" they took? And, how about you? What was your experience­? Here's something rarely spoken, and you have just the voice! I'm listening, and will check back in after my last session tonight.

Just bless you, is all I can say!
Cara

[DiogenesOfAlaska]

04:02 PM on 04/14/2010

Um, well, ... I think in some cases ... it was quite literally crap.

Apart from that, what continues to amaze me is how my parents managed to always hide from the children those moments when they must have felt like 'not prepared to handle what happens just now'. Only later on, when everybody (including me) had a brain and a voice to think through things, matters got a little more entangled for them.

But the same cannot be said of me and my siblings: and a bunch of kids can be the home of much cluelessne­ss in everyday life, I can tell you that.

[tapeatsbill]

01:58 PM on 04/14/2010

Cara,

Peace on ya friend. Love what you wrote about a child not being ours but "on loan" from the mysterious source - love.

My daughter definitely taught me many lessons. From utter dispair to anger to sublime, unconditio­nal love. Lesson's of patience, faith, letting go with a good measure of .....breat­hing.

Wow, where else can you go for that kind of experience­.

Om Shanti

Bill

P.S. Woud love to be there Friday to listen to Sonu but am speaking myself.

[Dr. Cara Barker]

03:00 PM on 04/14/2010

Drats! How I'd love to meet you in person. So, Om Shanti, right back 'at 'cha!'

What is your speaking topic? Say more.

As for your daughter as teacher, I can only nod in mighty agreement: all my kids have been Wisdom Teachers, each in their own ways, each with their own 'pop quizzes' given to their dad and me!

It's so good to hear from you, Bill. I"ve missed your Voice.

Peace and blessings,
Cara

Much love,
Cara

[tapeatsbill]

01:37 PM on 04/15/2010

I would sooo be there to meet you Friday evening if I could. Looked at the time and place for Sonu's talk and it just won't work. I'm speaking on the Four Magic Steps.
Its about the sacred nature of communicat­ion and how to use that skill. O love speaking to groups!

Bill

P.S. Have you heard of the work of The Thirteen Grandmothe­rs?

[Pema]

01:28 PM on 04/14/2010

pt 1
ok doc cara! here is something i can say about kids. so a kid is not a cat, not to most people, but cats have complex emotions, and if someone thinks they are reactionar­y animals, they dont know alot of cats. when we got bibi he was a 7 year old ferral. and a big guy too, 13 pounds of piss and vinegar, but there was inside him a cat that wanted love. he didnt know how to ask for it, accept it, nothing, we were all flying blind. i did the only thing to do, love him, put up with sliced up arms, horrible bites all of it, and love him. i would spend about 2 plus hours a day with the cujo of cats. you could see deep inside him he was desperate for love, but something would take over and turn him into a vicious attack cat. hes a black cat and i often wondered what extra hard time he suffered because of that. his nails were in horrible shape, his teeth, he needed alot of time at the vet getting much needed attwention­. i never gave up on bibi, he is incredibly grateful for the least thing i do now for him. i put a shgirt of mione on the bed for him to lay on and he gets so happy, he stomps his paws and goes in circles, flops down and looks up at me like i am the diety of tunafish.

[Dr. Cara Barker]

03:04 PM on 04/14/2010

Pema, bibi has a very, very good mommy. THat would be you! Your kitty reminds me a great deal of a cat we had, who eventually went on to Cat Heaven. His name was 'Cupcake.' Born into a litter on the Washington D.C. beltway, you can only begin to imagine how traumatize­d he was. When we first adopted him, I was afraid we were dealing with a variant of Rosemary's Baby! But, as in your case, with lots of patience, taking turns, and love, his angel nature took hold. Our lives were never the same. He enriched our family in endless ways.

Thanks for not giving up on bibi, or sending him 'back to Russia' with a note attached! My day is so warmed by what you've Voiced.

Love as always,
Cara

P.S. How did you hang in there? What helped the most?

[Pema]

01:47 PM on 04/16/2010

i know what its like to be in hell and no one, is coming to rescue you. my husband said i was able to because it wasnt for me, it was for bibi and hes right. if i gave bibi back, god knows what would have happened to him, we were his last chance. he was so torn up, so freaked out. 7 long lonely years on the streets. i place the greatest of faith in love, what is gives, what it can do.

[Pema]

01:26 PM on 04/14/2010

pt2
i dont know if this would have worked for the little boy. just masses of love and more love, i think it is the solution to alot, but it takes alot to deliever it as much as needed and consistant­ly.ive worked with kids who had terrible circumstan­ces, throw aways, and love and friendship and consistanc­y worked well, they were my lil angels.i dont know what abuse he suffered or if it is organic and he will forever due to his brain, be violent. but to send him back to the place where he suffered feels unforgivab­le. she didnt even see he arrived safe, she even didnt go with him, she put him on the plane as tho he was luggage. i wouldnt do that to a topical fish. am i judgmental or is it the mother instinct comeing out?

[Dr. Cara Barker]

03:06 PM on 04/14/2010

Dear Pema,

Your 'mother instinct' is glorious. We need more of it in our world. It could seriously shift the direction the planet seems to be taking. In the end, Mother Nature wins. Aligning with 'Her,' as you do, is beautiful.

You are in my heart,
Cara

[Pema]

01:53 PM on 04/16/2010

im love that, i am going to be helping out at earth day for the farm animal sanctuary, they are one of my favorite charities, the do amazing rescue and educationa­l work.
mother nature wins at least one day a year.
hey i tohught you were a pac nw gal? whats this flyover state stuff?