"The bus is loading up." At least, that's what my soul sister Judith Rich and I call it when death is in the air, and our friends are traveling into realms beyond where our progressive lens can see, or our monkey minds can fathom. Funny, or not so funny, how death seems to come in clusters. What's that old adage about the Big D coming to gather in threes? And, when it does arrive at our door, let us hope that it does so only when we have cultivated a well-lived life.
Having attended and delivered far too many memorial services over the past year, there has been more than ample opportunity to notice whose life seems to have been best lived, and whose remained anemic. For one thing, have you ever noticed that when the speaker is marching through the litany of achievements and honors of the deceased's résum@eacute;, the room "flatlines," faces going pale? But the nanosecond mention is made of what the "graduate" loved, the room comes alive. It's as if the heat's been turned up a notch, and waves of animation move through the crowd. People become animated, some finding the freedom to smile or chuckle.
When we remember how love shows itself through the people we love, regardless of whether we just met or have known them for years, and when we recall what brought joy forward through their life, we are blessed. "Re-membering" what moved our loved one's heart the most leaves in their wake a legacy. There's a hint here for we who have been left behind.
What is a well-lived life? What is the story beneath their story that makes you pay attention? How do you measure those who have lived beautifully? Is it their bank account? Their collectibles? Their charitable offerings? Is it their public acclaim? Their fame? Is it their travels? Who they knew? If you say you do not know, look back. What has touched you most deeply through the life of someone you've loved? Whatever it is, this is your underground criteria for happiness and whole-hearted living. If you want to live with resilience and well-being, this question is well worth considering. What attracts you does so because there is a resonance with your own unlived life. It is a nudge from that which transcends our intellect and lives in the silence of the heart.
Avoiding what brings us alive produces injury. I was reminded of this last week, in the response to the piece, "How to Protect Yourself from Narcissists." A great deal of commentary followed from readers describing situations in which they had been recipients of all sorts of woundedness inflicted at the hands of those who call themselves loving. I suspect that if any of the culprits died, there would be secret dancing on a grave or two.
What I know for certain is this. Love never tears others down or destroys. Love constructs, creating from what's best in us. Love invites forward what's hidden within our beautiful and private nature. Love encourages us to make who we really are known. Love encourages us to seize this new day for higher purpose. It does not even matter what this purpose is.
Just yesterday, I met Hank, a well-tanned, white-ponytail-sporting elder from Kitsap County, Wash. who has become a volunteer beekeeper as his way of healing the planet. Hank put it this way:
I always loved that ... song "A New Life," but never knew what a new dream might be for me. I've spent too many of my years in engineering, trying to figure out more efficient ways of insuring profit for food companies in California. Turns out that what I was doing was harming future generations, and I didn't even know it. The almighty buck was more important to me than finding out. Now, I realize that with all the pesticides and corporate greed, the bees are dying because of it, which means that four out of ten bites of food will not be available in the future for my children and great grandbabies because it takes healthy bees to fertilize the crops. Without them, we all suffer. Now, my life is about payback time.
Hank came to the Lynwood Theatre, along with a number of us, to see an amazing film by Taggart Siegel that documents the plight of our world with the diminishment of the bee population. It is called "Queen of the Sun."
I don't know about you, but Hank and people like him inspire me to do better. While becoming a beekeeper may not be in my future (I'm very allergic to bees!), this does not let me off the hook for what I can contribute. When we know better, we truly do have the choice to do better. We all make poorly informed choices, at times, if we are willing to be honest. Sometimes our motivations for what we do are not so praiseworthy. It is another thing to shift mid-gear, despite fear of the consequences, and go on to make a bigger difference, be it behind the scenes or on stage.
Through their invitation, those who live well offer us the opportunity to heal, to cherish the gift of life, to pay it forward so that others might thrive, instead of settling for what's comfortable, familiar and popular. When Hank began studying beekeeping, his peers laughed, made fun, told him to "forget about it." But, as I mentioned last week, "Love cherishes, not diminishes." By committing to a new life, Hank has gone on to expand his circle, which includes others who have found a way to redirect their lives to what is a higher calling for them. Maybe it is not your way, or mine, but this does not matter. What does matter is that we find our own and live it.
These are the words from the song to which Hank was referring:
A new life, what I wouldn't give
To have a new life
One thing I have learned as I go through life
Nothing is for free along the way
A new start, that's the thing I need
To give me new heart
Half a chance in life to find a new part
Just a simple role that I can play
A new hope, something to convince me
To renew hope
A new day, bright enough to help me
Find my way
Your turn: What is a well-lived life? Let's create an inventory together. What is the story beneath the story of those who most uplift you and touch your heart? How do you measure those who have lived beautifully? What helps you today to do better by their example? I'm listening, and learning from you, my teachers.
For more, see carabarker.net. For updates, contact me at carabarker.net or dr.carabarker@gmail.com. To receive email notices when I post new blogs on HuffPost, click "Fan" at the top of this page. Stay tuned for upcoming developments with The Love Project, including "Practicing Love." Follow me on Twitter at www.twitter.com/DrCaraBarker.
Follow Dr. Cara Barker on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrCaraBarker
But maybe it's this 4'9" tall 91 year old woman with declining health, who served in the army for four years during WW II and taught for almost 55 years. The little old lady who was invited back to numerous class reunions by former students (at the students' expense), had many books dedicated to her by former students, and whose retirement ceremony was held in the football stadium because the auditorium was too small to seat all who wanted to attend.
The person actively involved in KAIROS prison ministry for 30 years and who still receives cards and letters from former and current inmates. The little lady whom the prison guards became so fond of, they presented her with a name tag ("Mama B").
The lady who baked thouands of pies and cakes for school, chuch, and charity events, all the while singing and telling jokes. The one who would give anyone anything she had if they needed it. The one who decided she could no longer maintain her home, sold it, and gave the proceeds to the Martha White MIssion to feed the homeless and needy.
The little lady greeted at the door by many staff and residents of the nursing home she now lives in when I got to take her back "home" after her most recent hospitalization.
Maybe it's this little old lady (my mother) who knows what a life well lived is.
How wonderful!
What a gem you are, Fretchen. Hence, I just fanned you. Your description is absolutely healing. I've been down 'for the count' since last Friday morning with a nasty virus and dizziness. Please forgive the delay. Your response is 'just what the doctor ordered,' for me, and I'm sure, others. You and Mama B are my kind of favorite people. I'm so glad you dropped by, and that now, our paths have crossed. People like the two of you bring so much joy into our world, so troubled on all fronts.
blessings and gratitude your way,
Cara
give Mama B a hug from me, won't you?
As we aspire to do great things in our life, I feel it is important to remember that simple things - a warm smile, kind words, encouragement for someone who is down - have the ability to touch others deeply and remind us of the humanity we all share.
When we enable others to live up to their full capability as human beings, we accomplish far more than we ever could on our own.
You are a joy.
Cara
edu" in the link. Is it true that if you have a good life, you can have a good death? The topic of my survey is about those who wish to celebrate their lives with others before they die? Is that narcissistic or selfish?. I need diverse responses to this survey. Please share this link with others. My contact informatioÂn is provided at the end of the survey. Thank you very much!
https://siÂtes.googleÂ.com/a/udeÂl.edu/michÂele-walfreÂd/the-liviÂng-wake-suÂrvey
many blessings and wishes for every joy,
Cara
Do let me know how it goes, and thanks for sharing the survey link. Would love to know the outcome!
As she told her only "adult" child after discussing her wishes (which the other 3 avoided), her soul is at peace.
She has hundreds of surrogate children of which I considered myself the last since I only met her in Summer 2010 yet she told me that I was her teacher; for me it was the other way around.
Such a huge heart and what determination! She had one dress to her name until she was 21 after she left her school uniform days behind. The British believed females were Domestics born so she set out to prove them wrong!
She became a teacher as she desired. She refused to die as predicted at 30 from congenital heart failure despite losing one kidney, a breast, appendix, lung cancer, & other "significant" organs & a heart attack at 85.
She single-handedly ensured that no aspiring child under her tutelage or their offspring became a Domestic. That list is long of those known & respected on the local & international scene. That's a life well-lived!
She told me to keep the faith in spite of my environment and be who I am. I can do that.
Catherine
First, please excuse my brevity. I'm in bed with a nasty virus since Friday, and not feeling up to snuff. But, I want you to know that reading what you wrote just now, is truly healing. Your timing, as far as I am concerned, could not be better for me! I am so grateful.
Love,
Cara
P.S. your '2 cents,' is never 2 cents, but pure gold.
I have a dictionary program in my computer. A new word pops up every time I boot. On September 12, 2001 AMELIORATE popped up. I really like that word; and because of the day I learned it there is a powerful emotional connection that synergistically compounds.
Forgive my delay, gems. I've had a nasty virus since Friday, and am writing this from my bed, during another dizzy period. KInow that I appreciate your response more than you can know. all I know is that arriving at life's gold always takes time. You are an inspiration, and example of courage in how you are standing upon your truth. A stand in Love is the essence of a well-lived life. Leave it to you.
With praise and appreciation for who you are, and how 'you show up,'
Cara
"For one thing, have you ever noticed that when the speaker is marching through the litany of achievements and honors of the deceased's résum@eacute;, the room "flatlines," faces going pale? But the nanosecond mention is made of what the "graduate" loved, the room comes alive."
And herein lies the biggest "clue" for living the well-lived life while we're still alive. It's not about the "doing" but about "who's doing the doing" as my friend Eleanor would say. With so much emphasis on building a lifetime's "resume" of achievements, it's so easy to get lost in the doing and forget who came to be in the process.
Knowing that one day, the "bus" will be coming for me and thee, what's most important for the fulfillment of my heart and soul? My heart wants to love and be loved, my soul requires that I stay true to my purpose. When the Big Bus comes, as George Bernard Shaw said, "I want to be fully used up", and ready to go.
Meanwhile, there's a lot of living and loving left to do. This human gig is so amazing!
Loving it like it is.......
Judith
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."
And my personal favorite that has nothing to do with the subject at hand:
"Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it."
Loving you and praising the day you were born!
Cara
Thank you for this piece. Ironically or not, I have been thinking on this very question. I've found myself wondering what people will say of me when I am no longer among the living. I have gone through life with the mission of being true to myself, and insisting that no matter what comes my way, my loving nature will never be handed over, tainted, stolen, or reversed. I have not received many professional accolades, but what I have achieved is the attainment of a loving heart and the blessing of spiritual goodness. And I don't say that in arrogance. To the contrary, I say that with the utmost humility; as I do see that these are not things to be taken for granted or discussed casually. And with that said, I would suggest that living in accord with one's personal truth, which is one's source of true beauty, is what makes a life well lived. Living in accord with one's truth is an act of personal power, but also an agreement with one's soul to evolve, to grow, to listen and learn through the journey of life. Finding the truth may take lifetimes, but through commitment and dedication, it can be found and revealed, and when it does, there is a pleroma of the soul. There is a deep knowing that life has been lived well and with purpose.
Thank you, Cara.
Peace and Love,
Midnightrain
Forgive my delay. I'm afraid I've been 'down for the count' with a challenging virus, and now dizzy, to boot. That said, I jsut wanted you to know that your words, and feelings here, are so healing. I am more than grateful, and thanking my 'lucky stars' that our paths have crossed.
Know that I am praising you in my heart, and sending you warmest wishes,
Cara
You are a marvel, mt.
Sending you thoughts of health and wellness.
Sincerely,
Midnight Rain
And his unkindness may defeat my life,
But never taint my love.
~Othello. Shakespeare
First, what a marvelous beginning to a Friday, seeing you here. Leave it to you and Will S. to bring the hard-won pearls. I'm copying the lines from Othello down on a card to take along with me into a very full day. Now, it, and I are both enriched. Many thanks, khanti.
I'm wondering how you are? That your loving nature is intact is clear.
Joy to you and yours,
Cara
in case you missed it, the world's formerly oldest man has just died and his obituary is here on HP:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/04/14/walter-breuning-worlds-oldest-man-dies_n_849486.html
It's a pretty good read and ties in nicely with your article, Cara.
Lion
I did miss it. After a well-appreciated massage last night after work, I drifted immediately into REM sleep with pleasure. This morning I'm making a note of your reference and will look forward to reading about Walter for pure pleasure, too. thanks, Richard, for having my back and heart.
Love to you, my friend,
Cara
A life well lived is the goal. But defining what that means to me is not so black and white. As you know, I've taken your 21 day challenge from a couple of years ago and distilled it into my 2011 resolution; be more kind. I don't know what's happening over the last couple of weeks but I find myself needing to forgive myself more frequently for lapsing into judgementalism. Fortunately, some mysterious Jungian has taught me that I can forgive myself and get back on track rather than chastise myself for some long period of time. So, I get back to it pretty quickly. I think that as I truly become more kind rather than acting more kindly, I'll become more the man I want to be. I see myself letting go of my monkey ego in the near future and then I'll really do some good. Right not, I'm still going through some emotional upheaval as I become adjusted to living single. But it won't last. I*'m one of the lucky one's who has a few pretty good friends who help me through the rough patches and I count you as one of them. You live kindness and compassion and set the example for me. My life has been fairly well lived up to this point. I'll continue to improve.
love,
little brother
I agree. What wisdom it is to leave lots of room for gray in defining, and evolving the meaning of a life well-lived. Yes, my dear, that mysterious Jungian would be smiling that you not only took the challenge, and were a willing learner for the lessons, but that you are also remembering the imperative of self-forgiveness. Before you give up little monkey completely, may the two of ours get some good dancing in. As for your Circle of Trust: most certainly I am 'on it,' and have your back.
With giggles, adoration and just plain love your way,
Cara
All good things to your door,
Cara
Cara
Joy your way,
Cara
P.S. who modeled such consciousness for you?
Sitting with your question - I must say, of late, what gives me a smile on my face daily is the underlying connected energy I feel from those loving beings of Self, each other and our planet. It nourishes, nurtures and replenishes my own reserves. Many times, community creation through the magnificence of technology.
I am with gratitude to be alive at this time in our evolution. Love, peace and joy. How do we create, be within and share it when there is strife around us? One person at a time, perhaps ... beginning with our Self and allowing it to ripple out from there. I have negotiated many a win/win between corporations and consumers ... I understand the dynamics of allowing each person their story ... I have experienced the fright as a child when guns were pointed at me and my family as my father was a civil rights activist ... and I realize some people just load up layers of culturally and personally inflicted wounds, on top of their own soft spot of love - the walking wounded and all we can do is love them where their at and maybe even have the opportunity to negotiate with them as an ambassador of peace in attempting to bring forward settlement.
Am I loved? Have I loved well? Death's knocking questions most asked.
For the record, I feel your smile, here and elsewhere, like pollen for all that seeks connection. And, I do believe, so often, it is one person at a time, and one footstep, baby step, at a time.
Through your poetry and melody I must say to your attuned heart, you are, indeed, an ambassador of peace on so many vital levels. I shall always be grateful that we have met here. it makes writing these posts, taking the time, etc more than worth the time and effort. You are just such joy for my Spirit.
May love greet and thank you around every corner,
Cara
to become your own best friend by making peace with yourself.
Then there is one less person suffering. A great gift to the world.
Sending you hugs, too,
Cara
Thanks you two...
That's the thing.
All the "lives well lived" I can think of have this one thing in common.
The more connected they were - to what doesn't much matter - the more "well lived" I perceive their life.
And connection to / with _me,_ of course, leads the way, for without that, I'd likely not know them!
(Of course, I'm not speaking of "connections" - say, of the political or business kind - though if they are connections not oriented to increase one's power or money, then these connections count, too.)
Most often, those people who were most connected were also kind, but their kindness was not always apparent.
Strong connections to place, or the land, the earth - especially "the biosphere" (by whatever words) - seem to me the best connections of all because they tend to be focused on serving many, through time and across species, very often in obscurity, without much notice, not for self agrandizement or notariety.
And connections of love, friendship, of course.
Well-lived [human] lives give of their intellectual capacity, too, freely offering what wisdom they may have.
One can't forget joy! Maybe joy is not required, but it's very sad if it's missing.
Accepting, and improving where opportunity exists; well lived lives aren't spent whining.
Dreaming and creating; well-lived lives are often creative and with vision.
Compassionate, at some visible level.
Hmmm - perhaps this list is incomplete.
---
I want to point out that non-human creatures can have well-lived lives, too!
You spell it out in ways to which I can fully relate, including non-human creatures. Connection is It. We are it. you are It. I am it. We are in It, together, and what a dance it is of joy, mutual dreaming, creation, contribution, and the whole enchilada. How could anyone not know what connection means who knows you? Impossible. You live it, RT.
Much love and praise,
Cara