Who wants to be called "stingy"? Who wants to see themselves as a Valentine's version of Ebenezer Scrooge? The whole image of being such a tight-fisted, pursed-lipped, curmudgeony creature assaults our sensibilities. Especially now, as we enter the Month of Love -- that's what I call it, at least.
The truth is, no matter how much we might resist, in the end, holding back only leaves you exhausted. You can tell yourself that love never lasts. We can put armor around our heart and say, "Love ends up in disappointment." You can throw yourself into work, 24/7. You can numb yourself out with any number of addictions. You can convince yourself that you don't need to extend yourself anymore, judging by the number of fans you might have on Facebook. And yet, none of this leaves you with that warm and wonderful feeling of having shared your heart in some essential way and having received the love of another.
As for me, resisting love just leaves me worn out. Maybe we have to get to this place before Love can break through the calcified, atrophied places -- those interior spaces where you refuse to let love touch you or refuse the expression of your own. It's so easy, isn't it? To fall into the trap of telling ourselves that we don't have time?
A case in point: Just the other day, a woman came to the consulting room with the ramifications of cheating herself this way. You might be surprised by the setting. Just returning from Memphis to see her aging parents, Yolanda, a 48-year-old woman, complained:
It was just awful. I spent every waking minute trying to work out their problems. My mother has so many meds; she can't keep one straight from the next. My father is depressed and having problems with his hips. I figured out how to get a caregiver in there who will be good. But I was running from sunup to sundown in so many directions that I didn't know whether I was coming or going. By the time I got on the plane, I was spent. Slept all the way home. Worse thing is that by the time the plane landed, I felt completely empty. I should have felt good. I accomplished a lot. But, in the pit of my stomach, there's just a big fat hole.
The hole is where the whole wants to be found.
Ever been there? Have you, like Yolanda, driven yourself nuts, running here and there in the name of getting things done, leaving the One Thing, the most important thing, ignored? Ever gone to great lengths to care for someone you love in the way that seems best, yet end up feeling disconnected, unsatisfied, frustrated? No matter how many items you may have checked off your "to do" list in the name of love, if you are not more loving in your heart, then nothing really clicks. If you are not present to connection, the rest may as well rot. Eventually, every thing you can name does, with one exception: Love remains. After all our antics have long ended, we've either given the most important thing away and received it, or we haven't and feel the ache. Underneath every single human communication, beneath every child's construction paper valentine, below the fanciest of poems and love letters is embedded eleven words: "I want your love. I want you to have my love."
There is always a greater possibility available to you. More love exists beyond where the ego can reach -- a limitless love that nudges your heart to surrender, to give over to that which is greater than yourself; this love argues for more connection and less restriction born of fear. Until then, you will keep yourself running inside the gerbil wheel.
Eventually, we crack. Something else takes over. It's as if the universe says, "Finally, little missy! Finally, you get that you can fight it all you want, but at the end of the day, what matters most all gets down to love. Surrender, sweet-cakes. It's bigger than you."
Love letters come in many forms. There are the ones you send, the ones you wish you would have sent and the ones you withhold because you are being stingy with yourself. You deserve more love, regardless what you think. Think about the times when love came your way, and you pushed it away out of fear, or a faux sense of unworthiness. Nonsense. Why waste more time? Let love find you however it can. Some Love Letters are written on valentine construction paper, some on stationary and some in the sand. Others are fashioned from visiting those we love, who happen to be having a hard or joyful time.
All I know is I'm with Howard Thurman when he says, "I want to be more loving in my heart." Surely, I am well practiced in excusing myself from the requirements of surrender. I can rationalize. I can react, rather than respond, to what irritates me, with a sarcastic remark. I can "show them" who's boss with my clever, snarky quip. Like one HuffPost reader wrote me, some articles back:
It's easy for me to be sharp and sarcastic. I get in there like the rest of them, to be hip, to impress, to get fans. But I am learning here, on this site, that's my cover-up. I want more. I want the "real meal deal" for my heart. Maybe that's why so many of us die from heart attacks. Our hearts are "under attack" from our own fear of being vulnerable, soft, yielding when there are no guarantees.
She's right. There's no insurance plan to protect us from love's fall-out. No one can tell us how long we have to conduct our own Love Project here on earth. When I asked Yolanda which part of this month's challenge she'd like to take on to be more loving in her heart, she chose to live like there is no tomorrow. Looking back on it, she realizes that what left her empty is that she got so preoccupied with ordering disorder that she was not present to her parents. Tearfully, she told me:
"I was stingy. I was so afraid to face that they are getting close to the end; I dared not meet them in it. I'm afraid. When they're gone, I'll be alone. But, if they were to die tomorrow, I would have missed today. I was holding back my love. That was the hole in my heart. How do I let go? What could move me in a better, more loving direction?"
The following guidelines will help get you back on track. Ask yourself one of the following questions each day for the next week. Afterwards, allow yourself space and time, in a quiet setting to allow a spontaneous answer to arise from within you. I've used them for years with thousands of people. They work.
If your candle were to go out by midnight today:
Your turn: What might help you be more loving in your heart? Where would you like to be more loving? What gets in your way? I'm listening...
For more, see carabarker.net. For updates, contact me at carabarker.net, or dr.carabarker@gmail; to save time, click on "Become a Fan." Stay tuned for upcoming developments on The Love Project, including "Practicing Love."
Follow Dr. Cara Barker on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrCaraBarker
Love, Dating, Marriage, Relationships Advice & Tips
Lovingyou.com: Love: Relationship Advice & Tips
I'm glad you're back. I'm glad you've written this at this time. (I hope your foot is healing nicely and that you are well.)
This article is yet another one that speaks DIRECTLY to my situation with my Lioness.
Just before you left I had an improvement of sorts with her. In short, she said she wants the relationship but she feels she can't indulge in it right now - has to get other stuff done in her life first. On the one hand, I can accept that she does have things to get moving on, and she has probably been using me - her relationship with me - as an excuse. The long distance and her work schedule combined badly: She's 3 hours ahead and usually works the 3PM to 11PM shift, so she gets home around midnight or thereabouts.She wants the connection, the communication, so she calls and we talk until three AM - only midnight for me! And in the AM she sleeps in, only to repeat the cycle, not getting things done in her life. This was, I feel very sure, the reason she broke things off at the first of the year - she didn't say as much, but I figured it out from what she did say.
I've just sent her, yesterday, a lovely valentine package.
(continued)
1) Valentine's Day letter, 2 pages.
2) A 75 page book of my poetry, including 44 poems, 17 of which she has already seen, and 6 of which are newly written just for her.
3) Somewhere between one quart and a half gallon of raw, shucked oysters. I hope she likes them! (I know it's a favorite.)
I haven't heard anything from her since our conversations around the end of Feb. I know from those conversations that she's reading my posts / txts, just not responding. I'm trying to coax her out...
I think she needs to ready your article (above), but I think the title off-putting. How will she receive a pointer from me to your article, "Are you too stingy with your love?" I mean, she may take offense! Well, the truth is, the content of your article is EXACTLY what she needs to take on-board.
I'm open to your ideas on the matter, please.
Richard the Lion Hearted
P.S. This is the first Valentine I've sent her in -gasp- 27 years! ...As fate would have it, I still have the clothes she wore, and took off, that evening... RtLH
As for the title, or revision of it, hey, whatever you'd like just let me know via e-mail, and let's see what we can do.
Your P.S. is beyond the beyond. Still have those clothes.............oh, my. The embers are fanned in many hearts by the mere mention. Lioness had best get with the program pronto. I can sense a parade of women out there making their way to your door.
You are simply the best, best, best Richard. What a Lion Heart you have!
Happy, happy Valentine's day. St. Valentine must be smiling your way,
Cara
I'm just getting to this now, as I was so slammed in my return to town there wasn't a spare moment. How worth the effort it was, to check in, for here you are. This being Valentine's Day, you should know that you are one of my all-time favorites!
Speaking of the valentine package, I do believe you are the best Valentine she could ever receive. It also appears that some story revision is on the docket for the two of you so that you are navigating love's waters within the same time zone. Dare I say location? All I know is that for a period of time my husband did the same routine with 3 hrs difference and it was quite the test. The 'quiz' has a way of high-lighting what is most important. I am so happy that the road seems to be gaining clarity and connection, and debris is getting cleared.
Love, Cara
I wish I shared your joy.
I will write you more soon.
Lion
There is a small thing about the story you tell of Yolanda's experience. Maybe it would help her to see that this running around she did is also a form of loving care. As for your question, I found this from gypsy's favorite poet, and I think it kind of responds, at least in my mind. A greeting to you and our beautiful friend.
The furthest distance in the world
Is not between life and death
But when i stand in front of you
Yet you don't know that I love you
The furthest distance in the world
Is not when i stand in front of you
Yet you can't see my love
But when undoubtedly knowing the love from both
Yet cannot be together
The furthest distance in the world
Is not being apart while being in love
But when plainly can not resist the yearning
Yet pretending you have never been in my heart
The furthest distance in the world
Is not when plainly cannot resist the yearning
Yet pretending you have never been in my heart
But using one's indifferent heart
To dig an uncrossable river for the one who loves you
And, while I'm at it, the happiest of Valentine's Days your way, as a carrier of love 24/7.
Peace, joy and blessings to your door,
Cara
What else can I say than in my world my eyes are burning, my nose running and my head's pretty empty... except maybe I'm pleased to see you hear, m'lord. And I hope that wishing you a happy Valentine's day is "appropriate fraternization".
(and cheers to your seemingly effortless efforts (I'm not at all sure of my language here))
As tonight is Valentine's Day evening, the mere mention of "Gone With the Wind" brings to mind such great imagery, I best wind this up and go shake it up with my guy.
Come by again. How welcome you would be!
All good things your way,
Cara
I see my previous post was not placed into the queue. Ah well, so be it.
What can I do to be more loving in my heart? I can develop some reminders that trigger my desire to treat others more kindly. The more I remember that this is the way I want to be, the more I'll act on this desire and hopefully, become more kind. What is getting in the way are old habits, defensive ego, and sometimes, vulnerability aversion. We furless apes are an amazingly resilient breed. Given the chance, our hearts will continue to be compassionate even when they feel shattered.
love,
little brother
So, to one who carries the Spirit of this day throughout the year, I am so grateful.
With much love your way,
Cara, another furless ape, with some resilience still in tact
how are you? i hope your foot has healed successfully..
i am hip deep dealing specifically with this issue. it has to do with the great loss i spoke about a few months ago. so here i go once again walking over the edge to see what i will find when i land. however this time were playing for all the marbles. i have been terrified this time might come, now after 10 years it has. and you know what? i am not afraid.
I want you to know cara, how much your blogs and responses to my posts have meant to me. you truly are a genuine blessing in my life, and i am so grateful for you.
I'm just winding up at the clinic after quite the busy week, and find you here, now, as I'm clearing off my desk, before hopping into my car to catch the ferry. What a treat to hear from you. Re my foot: I should say 'feet,' for the surgical foot is healing gradually, (the doc says a few more months) and the other has developed a taxing Achilles tendonitis. Ah, well....clearly I am learning to walk again through the stage of limping. Actually, with the 65th b-d behind me now, I take the whole thing as a lesson for footing on the path here and now, and up ahead. You've just got to chuckle with such reminders.
As for your personal expression to me, I am so grateful if something has 'landed' well, and helped. I thank the Spirit for whatever comes, for surely it is not me. Please know that as you stand on that edge, you are not alone. I respect the mighty stance, your courage, your wisdom, and I know the heart and soul of who you are will put you in a most excellent position for this present leap of faith. We are holding hands, after all, with what transcends our little egos. What has sent you here is smiling. Of this, I am most certain.
A good landing your way, with reminders that all is well, and all manner of things, as the poet said, is well.
Love,
Cara
Loving myself in a healthy self-appreciative manner, sets me up to love others more, in the same way respecting myself establishes a base from which I can show respect to others.
It comes from the old "make yourself the best possible so you can be the best possible for others, and when you see the best in yourself, you see the best in others too" school of thought (straight from the Maslow learning "stuff" proposed 5th step... I think... maybe).
Anyway, as a practical matter, because I just abhor the commercialization of Valentine’s day, my wife and I have for years gone to any place with a large card selection and read them to each other, then after a “mild” show of affection and in an act of pure unselfishness, we leave them for others to enjoy :)
Hallmark may object to our actions, but that's ok, because then we are even.
Hope things went well with you and your family, and that you birthday was filled with joy, but, it's great that you are back!
Lawson
I absolutely LOVE your ritual with your wife at the store. I do believe I will suggest the same for my husband and moi this year. Love is no exception: it takes a village, too, doesn't it? In fact, what would it be without?
I, too, am very happy to be back after a very heart-touching break with family.
May Love surround you and your wife on this and every day.
May Love be your companion on all roads to and from your home.
Cara
Nice to see you back!
B
Let's call the 'mirror repair' squad, and 'come on down' to your place post haste. There surely are times, aren't there, Bill, when we are not 'feeling the love' especially toward poor Best Self. Sometimes, its seems a bit like a ride at the amusement park with ups and downs. Not to worry though. For, in these times, let us look to one another and see/feel the radiance coming back as a reminder to return within and find magnificence awaiting.
I shall prepare a virtual mirror for you, and hold it up so that you might see reflected the beauty that you are in times of courage, and those of fear. The contrast does humanize us, and give us terra firma.
My heart is with you,
Cara
Stay in touch, Bill!
You have helped me put a little shine on the magic mirror.
BB
Now about the current hp-aol merger a big exodus has taken place. Each day you are losing a friend. But when you know someone in the cyber world for so long, trust them as they trust you, what do you do when they says goodbye. In a perfect world I would connect with them instantly in some other means. But this not a perfect world so you say goodbye and never to find the friend again and hope to find them somehow..... So tell me What cara would do ?...Gypsy
I, too, am well aware that when love is expressed, it can make people so uncomfortable, (not to mention us) but it is well worth the risk. For, in time, there is always an exodus by someone, be it by moving on, or graduating, i.e. death. My focus is on the 'meantime'. I figure what matters is what I do, what I express, what I give and receive. All of which begins with discernment.
Frankly, it has not entered my mind...the aol-hp merger and an exodus. I trust that what has been expressed through a meeting of the heart lives on forever. And, yes, I would surely be sad to fall out of contact with our good friends here. But, if this happens, I will press on, will hold each in my heart, my meditations and my prayers for all good things.
all this said, how sad my world would be without you.
Cara
I love this: "The hole is where the whole wants to be found." This is profound! And absolutely points us in the right direction. Unfortunately, this is too scary for most people to even contemplate. Thus, it takes great courage to do the work of awakening. In truth, we already are whole. Coming into a living awareness of this truth, living it moment by moment is what it's all about.
You, dear woman, are a shining light and prime example of this consciousness.
Blessings always,
Judith
My cousins and I did look for 'Still Breathing' while in Florida,but did not locate it. No doubt a teckie could have helped us out of the dead end. However, my husband and I will press on and see what we can find. We ended our subsc. to Netflix as we weren't using it enough. So now, new avenues.
I cannot wait!
With love and appreciation,
Cara
Just saw your your response here, and will get back to you, later. Today is a major clinic 'crunch' day and so I want to give what you've written it's due!
Back later, with love,
Cara
Know that I send you much love, deep, abiding respect, and gratitude for your Light shared so freely, in such genuine and heart-touching ways,
Cara
"You deserve more love, regardless what you think." I am going to have to copy that down someplace and look at it regularly. I need the reminder.
As for what can make me more loving in my heart, I recently began keeping a "Gratitude Journal." The original focus was just gratitude for all the wonders, great and small, that I encounter, but I suspect this practice will also help deepen my capacity for love.
Thanks, as always.
Forgive the long delay. I found your response this morning, wrote to you, but it has not appeared, as is the case with others. Maybe we are in Mercury Retrograde? Anyway, I want you to know how much I appreciate your words. We do need reminders, don't we, that we are not only from Love, and carry Love, but deserve Love. This is your nature, I can tell you with complete certainty.
Regarding your Gratitude Journal, my feet are doing the happy dance knowing that I am not alone. I began to keep my own GJ some years ago, and it has led me into amazing and healing places.
Let me tell you, before Valentine's Day, that your heart is one of my absolute favorites in 'the Garden.'
With love and thanksgiving for who you are,
Cara
Your words and feeling are such an example illustrating that Love lives on, despite the condition of the world.
May Love find you never wanting.
Cara
Compassion is the most encompassing love that truly touches a person. It is unselfish and selfless in nature.
'What might help me be more loving in my heart?'.... I think the answer to that question is covered in one word...'Trust'.......A deep absolute trust that includes trust of mySelf, others and world. That trust would have me be more loving everywhere ... in the places I hold fear that things won't work out for me, in the places that I fear I am not important to others, in places that I fear the world doesn't welcome my thoughts and ways. For me, the saving grace lives in commitment to staying in process, in willingness to keep learning. Makes it worth being alive!
First, please do accept many apologies coming your way. I read your fine response this morning, replied, and then just noticed it never appeared. drats! Mercury Retrograde, anyone?
Despite this, what I want you to know is that you've come upon what is so, so vital in the discussion of love , underway. Without trust, how can love make contact? be given? be received? Without trust, how can we grow? Without trust, how can we advance in the direction of our Best Self's dreams? Without trust, rigidity, calcification, death to all that brings us to life.
That you are a shining example of Trust incarnate, is clear. That said, I join you in deepening my own, alongside you, step by step. Together, we shall stand on mighty shores, portal to the heart.
May peace find you.
May Trust empower you.
May Love enfold you.
May grateful hearts sing out your name.
Cara
Onward and onward!
Kathleen
I enjoy reading your posts, they make my heart sing!
And since love is in the air, allow me to share with you my first post:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/toni-emerson/love-is-speaking-are-you-listening_b_817044.html
I sense yours is burning brightly in the world, Toni. What greater gift can there be?
As for your generous comments, I want you to know that responses like yours make the writing process more than worthwhile. You seem to be kin, another, what I call 'Life Long Learner' well along the Path.
Your work is so easy to fan, for your Voice is clear, strong, bright. Bless you, Toni.
May happiness, joy and peace be with you this day, and in all to come,
Cara
Two articles I wrote on the subject are very timely, you many enjoy:
http://www.backyardmystic.com/2011/01/the-happiness-doctor/
http://www.backyardmystic.com/2010/09/a-lover%E2%80%99s-quarrel/
Do let me know how you are doing. I welcome, as well, your links.
Peace and blessings,
Cara