Loving Out Loud, Even With Impossible People

None of us comes to this moment without standing on the ground others have cleared. So, let me begin by acknowledging a few: Andriette Earl, (www.heartsoulcenter.org), who pointed me to the tracks of the great Howard Thurman, and his heart-opening work, and meditations. His words came back to me last week, after reading HP readers response to my piece "Are You Being Too Mean to Yourself?" Dr. Mia Rose, http://www.healinglovenotes.com sums it up:
"It seems to me, that what you're proposing is a life of authenticity. One where we slow down enough to work out what our deepest feelings are and what we truly need, then allow ourselves fulfillment and healing without the guilt that usually goes with filling our own cup.
It reminds me of a session I had with a client just this passing week who told me how much he values kindness towards others, yet he couldn't bring himself to be kind to himself. It made me wonder how we get so disconnected that kindness becomes a one-way street. Like holding a torch, we shine the light away from us while remaining in the dark.

Personally I try to stay in the moment more, and I really have become less mean to myself, but it remains a constant challenge. The gentler I am with myself, however, and the more I allow myself to refuel, the more I settle into tolerance and patience and love."

From where I sit, the question is not only the disconnection, but what do we do to return to the only thing that will save us? I do believe Thurman provides a crucial answer.
I'm referring to his haunting line: "I want to be more loving in my heart...."

Me, too. Nowhere do I notice the need for me to be more loving in my heart than when I've gone astray,, become the judge and jury when it suits my monkey mind, who, apparently at that moment, was feeling neglected, and underemployed. The first of two such cases occurred in the past few days, to illustrate my point.

Scenario #1, Woodinville, Washington, in a Top Foods parking lot while waiting for my husband in the car. Around the corner came a white t-shirt/blue jeans clad man, holding a little girl in pink hoody and pants, as he hurried between tightly parked SUV's. Suddenly, I hear this crash, glass shattering and a loud male voice yell the s-word, in rapid succession. Rolling down the window, I asked if I could help. To which his response was rage looking for a place to land: "Nothing can help! Kids are such a pain in the a--! They're always making trouble, causing problems!" Whereupon, crew-cut guy turns to his little child, now with chocolate brown eyes wide as saucers, and says: "Look what you made me do! It's all your fault! Now the whole bottle of wine is ruined and under this lady's car." By now, tears are rolling down her cheeks.

Meanwhile, I'm hearing Thurman's words: "I want to be more loving in my heart," and Mia's, "Personally I try to stay in the moment more, and I really have become less mean to myself, but it remains a constant challenge." Only I'm thinking, what can I do with this rage-aholic, to deflect the flames of his vitriol from this child and me so we don't gut scorched? How can I be more loving in my heart? Because, I assure you, I've condemned this guy, by now, to the Planet of Bad Parents. Breathe in, breathe out. Warp-speed meditation. Return to center. I relate to how it is when I'm in too big a hurry, too annoyed with myself for trying to do too much, in too little time, and then an accident happens.

The next instant, my answer came swiftly: performing what I call "pattern interrupts."
Turning to the child, I said: "My, what beautiful eyes you have. What's your name?" To him, I added: "Her name?" "Willa," he grunts. "Beautiful name, Willa. You must be so proud of her. It takes a lot to be a good parent, especially when there's more than enough stress going around for everybody these days. I'll bet Willa is a real comfort for you, with so many people wanting children and not so lucky." Not wasting another second for his answer, I return to Miss Willa: "Sweetheart, one thing's for certain. You are a very good little girl, aren't you, (she nods 'yes,') and I know that you didn't want that bottle to drop, either. Aren't we glad no one got hurt? That must have been mighty scary. I'm sure your papa was so frightened that you might get hurt, weren't you?" I said, glancing his way. Again, not waiting for a response, I continue with her. By now, we are in lock-down eye contact mode: "You know, Willa, the good thing about messes is that they can be cleaned up, no problem, not like when people get really hurt. Look, there's a guy from the store. Would you like me to help you get his help?" I hail the worker down, and he dives into action, assuring the customer he can return to the store for a replacement, no charge.

The point is, we get chances everyday to practice Howard's longing. Twenty-four hours later, I'm at Seattle's Woodland Park Zoo, and hear a father racing out the gate in the other direction, a good 20 feet ahead of his 7-8 year old son running to catch up. Dad shout's over his shoulder at the crying boy: "Life just sucks! Get used to it. That's how it is. Deal with it." Now, can you just imagine the beliefs this child, like Willa, is probably forming?

What can we do in situations like this? Sure, sure, I know that people say this isn't smart, with so many toting guns, knives, whatever, these day, but I think of your wise words, HP readers, as well as others, who inspire me just when I need them most. Never think for a moment, that your words don't matter. They are among the most powerful antidotes we've got to ameliorate the sting of cruelty, either self-inflicted, or towards others. As I caught myself, again, in judgment of parent number two, Desmond Tutu's word-medicine circled down the hallways of my mind:
"We must care for one another in order to survive."

Anthropologists refer to this as "obligatory gregariousness," meaning, the way
the herd survives by sticking together, improving our survival and emotional well-being. So, while I might not like how another person is treating an innocent, I must remember that I am in the path for a reason. I can pretend that we are not part of the same herd. I can remain silent, and do nothing, telling myself that it's not my child. Or, I can choose to believe that our children, as well as other innocents, are part of us, and sometimes require someone older to bear witness to what is unfolding, and recall that what 'befalls you,' befalls me.

Sure, maybe family members and people you know will call you nuts. That's not our business, is it? Ram Dass has a way of putting the need for their approval in perspective:

"You'll know when you're enlightened because your family thinks you are."

Authenticity Take-aways:
1. If I stay silent when someone is being harmed, then I become a perpetrator, too.
2. When I stay mute in scenarios like these, I will only end up turning on myself in self-recrimination, later.
3. Love doesn't harm.
4. Love isn't victimization.
5. Love stands steady in the inquiry, focusing attention upon: "I want to be more loving in my heart."
6. Love strengthens self-confidence, empowers your words, reminding us we are all in the soup together: perpetrators, innocents, and yes, even meddlers.
7. Applying what I call 'Pattern Interruptus' can work wonders in the heat of encounters. Apply this skill by assuming the best, distracting the attention from the worst, refocusing on something that resolves the situation.
8. The only way to bring about a greater Good is to move in its direction. Dad Number One actually said, as he walked away: "I guess I over-reacted. It's just that money's hard to come by these days." Yes, "I can relate," I said. "Good thing you're holding in your arms what money cannot buy. You're a very lucky man." He smiled, and kissed Willa's cheek as he put her in their car.
9. There's always more to learn if we choose to open mind and heart.

To be continues.............
What helps you most when you come across mean acts? What have you learned? Take the 21 Day Challenge: No Self Mean-ness! O.K., so you'll slip now and then. Begin anew. This Challenge is a process, not an exercise of perfection. We are taking on the practice of Self-Courtesy to discover what can come alive. Are you willing to give yourself a break? Let me know. I'm listening.
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Thanks! Re-tweet or pass to friends who may enjoy this post. Come by for a visit at carabarker.net joins my interactive blog, "The Love Project."
Coming Soon! "The Art of Authenticity," "The Audacity of Love", as well as others, and a teleconference series this summer culled from your requests and comments.

Follow Dr. Cara Barker on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrCaraBarker , and carabarker.net

 

Follow Dr. Cara Barker on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrCaraBarker

Comments

[writerkate]

04:36 AM on 05/17/2010

Wow! I am sitting here in awe of the *technique* you used! I have occasionally spoken up in situations such as that, and I've also usually done so by speaking to the child. I am good at getting smiles from kids, and I am all too palpably No Threat To Anyone, being past the half-century mark and (ugh) dumpy.

But since I usually just focused on the kid, sometimes I wound up getting sworn at, and at that point always abandoned the field lest I make things worse. Perhaps if I jumped as you did, without giving an opening... Brilliant!

I've become a bit shy about trying it, although sometimes I think I embarrassed the parent into regaining control. But the most dramatic "pattern interrupt" I took part in was about four decades ago, when I was in college. A drunk started beating up his girlfriend in front of the apartment building I lived in. My roommate and I went out, and started shouting at him. One of us slipped back inside long enough to phone the police. (I can't remember which of us it was, oddly enough.) The two of us kept the guy shouting and threatening us until the police arrived, while the girl lay in the gutter.

I'm afraid it wasn't a loving interrupt, but I can't regret it.

[Dr. Cara Barker]

01:26 PM on 05/17/2010

writerkate, you most surely are....a writer, that is! I love the way you say what you say nearly as much as what you say, and what informs it. Sorry, I'm 'late' (is there such a thing?) getting back to you. If my Truth be spoken, I just returned to town, and found your wise words 'awaiting.' In fact, so wise you are, that just don't be surprised if you find it incorporated this Wednesday, as grist for the mill. I learn a great deal from you.

There's a time to stay silent, and a time to shout, a time to whisper, and a time to rejoice. Your story has be celebrating that there's a writerkate in my world!

Peace, joy, and love your way,
Cara

[MPatrick Dahlke]

08:18 PM on 05/16/2010

"Look what you made me do! It's all your fault! Now the whole bottle of wine is ruined and under this lady's car."

Hi Cara ;-)

I would have immediately asked the man - "What were you doing underneath the lady's car drinking wine to begin with?"

If you think about this, I'm sure his little girl was thinking the same thing.

But for the man wanting to escape, he was not able to see his daughter's insight or simple joy of spending time with her daddy at the grocery store.

A long time ago I was out for a walk in Boulder, Colorado and happened upon a small group of people who were surrounding a man convulsing in Epileptic seizure banging his bloodied skull on the hard concrete beneath his head. The attending nurse was warning all not to touch the man for he might hurt himself. I placed my forearm into the nape of his neck, tensioned my muscles and in doing so prevented any further contact between his head and the concrete.

When he awoke, our eyes were but inches from one another and clear as a bell filled with mutual understanding and empathy.

I believe that in a crisis situation, our best response to the crisis is our human and natural response to human and natural need. Rather than assuming we should not get involved at all, what happens when we do because we know what is consciously right?

[Dr. Cara Barker]

01:33 PM on 05/17/2010

MPatrick, I love your creative retort! I'll bet that would have got his attention, for sure. I'm also convinced, having seen little Willa's deep brown eyes with my own green ones, that pre-the mishap, she WAS just wanting to be with her daddy on that sunny day, a Saturday, no less.

Your Colorado story reminds me of a time, when still working in hospital clinical care, that, at a lecture, we were all warned about the liability issues is assisting someone in need when we were not under contractural (hospital) agreement to do so. I'm afraid that in all the concerns about litigation, we've forgotten about the imperative of love. So, my dear, I'm with you 200% when I say to you, and those like you, WELL DONE. We stand back from befriending one another, and only perpetuate mistrust, isolation, fear. I'm so glad you are who you are, and that you had the courage to do the humane thing, the only thing, if we are ever to make the necessary shift to awaken as a planet.

Bless you!
Cara

[MPatrick Dahlke]

07:53 PM on 05/17/2010

Well, my dear.

If you continue to harass me with these overarching expressions of positive human emotion, I will have no choice other than seek you out and give you a hug and a kiss.

I was in Boulder from 73 to 80. I began my career as an organically focussed architectural designer and builder in Boulder. This came after my service in the USN. In the Navy, I was an engineman in charge of a vast array of ship board mechanical systems and a security guard fully trained in small arms and close quarter self defense.

As we really don't know who we are until we get to the place we are seeking, my history of designing alternative energy homes has paralleled my quest of resolving close quarter interpersonal conflict.

Picture yourself on the streets of Philadelphia being confronted by a man with a gun you have never met only to befriend the guy because his wife wanted him to spend more time at home remodeling the bedroom.

I have an odd sense of humor Cara, and so far no one has shot me.

Keep a smile!

If we know (and we do)

[Dr. Cara Barker]

01:34 PM on 05/17/2010

p. 2, MPatrick, when did you live in Boulder? I had my stint there, as have a number of others that are doing what we call The Work..................... Let me know!
Cara

[DrMiaRose]

07:15 AM on 05/15/2010

Cara, I am so honored that my words resonated with you and I think you've really gotten to the heart of the matter with Thurman's words, 'I want to be more loving in my heart.'

Not so long ago, another Huffingpost reader responded to one of my comments about being non-judgemental with the following words:

'Being non-judgmental is nice. You are so nice. Like a trite hallmark card.'

I didn't respond at the time because I didn't want to escalate the argument, but I was actually thinking to myself that I didn't perceive his remark to be quite the insult it was meant to be. I don't know if I'm 'nice', but I do value kindness. And you know, it's really not that difficult to be kind.

Kindness is love in action. And that's a good thing. :)

Mia Rose
http://www.healinglovenotes.com

[Dr. Cara Barker]

01:37 PM on 05/17/2010

Yes, DrMiaRose, you and I, girl, are on the same page, exactly. True, the arrows do come, now and then, but can you honestly think of a more fabulous 'cause' if we are going to put it that way? Every time I get one of those sort of responses, it gives me pause. Which, by the way, is a good thing: I get an opportunity to dig deeper, find more compassion, watch the Inner Predator stir a bit, and let it go. I figure if I'm not making some waves here and there, I'm not in the water!

Love and appreciation your way, as always!
Cara

[MerhabaAbi]

05:02 PM on 05/14/2010

Hi Cara,

You write of the anthropological axiom, obligatory gregariousness. Awesome term and so descriptive. There is a bit of selfishness in acts of kindness. The very least of which is the sense of satisfaction that comes from helping another. It builds an image of oneself as a good person and strengthens self-esteem. All of my closest friends get it. We've got a strong sense of social conscience. I think most people have this sense.

Unfortunately, those who crave power seem to miss the boat and they end up captaining the ship in our society far too often. An example would be the executives at Exxon who bilked consumers after Katrina while claiming production problems. Odd how they set new quarterly earning records for six consecutive quarters. They take advantage of the positive traits of good people.

I believe in the goodness of people and I think that given the chance, many of the gun and knife toting individuals would live a more loving and socially productive life if they hadn't been treated as less than during their formative years. As long as progressives keep fighting for justice both legal and social, we have a chance to achieve our potential as a world community.

love,
little brother

[Dr. Cara Barker]

01:40 PM on 05/17/2010

dear little brother,


Forgiveness for just getting back to you....I've been out of town. That said, I'm popping your sentiments into the crock pot for this week. Let's see what we dish up from the simmering. As usual, your words and feelings are a wonderful haunting for my heart.

Love,
Cara

[MerhabaAbi]

06:01 PM on 05/17/2010

Hi Sister Cara,

I would forgive you in a heartbeat if there were anything to forgive. I'm impressed that you find the energy to respond to all of your readers with such authenticity each week. You're awesome, I hope you had a marvelous weekend.

love,
little brother

[puntybunny]

04:16 PM on 05/13/2010

This is an interesting idea....I'm often held back by a reluctance to start trouble. People who are being total jerks to their dog or kid kind of live in defensive mode. I mean, in their heads, it's them against the world. That's one reason they're so difficult. And perversely, people are VERY possessive about the same dog/kid they're so mean to. These days, even a few chance words in the grocery store can result in someone pushing you or calling the cops. I often think life would have been better when there were fewer laws, when people were supposed to step up & be the change. Nowadays you do that & you're just as likely to be the neighborhood weirdo as a hero.

[Dr. Cara Barker]

05:18 PM on 05/13/2010

Hi, puntybunny,

Great comments, and so true. Here's the thing: at my vintage, (the Social Security set) I check in with myself in such situations, discern the Truth of my heart, and figure, what can 'they' do to me? Sure, lot's. We know this. But, at the end of the day, if I've had an intention that comes from Love, then, I can rest well that night, knowing I've done what I can do. So often, the discernment ends up as simply internally focusing on the situation, and 'sending' invisibly the desire of the heart. Blessedly, there's sound research mounting up that this counts, too, in the result department.

I guess, in the end, we each get to choose and honor internal guidance in the way that's right for us.

Many thanks for joining the conversation. You have much to add!

Do drop by again,
Cara

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

04:07 PM on 05/13/2010

Hi loving lady- Cara- great post - much to chew-

You ask:

What helps you most when you come across mean acts? How I can open my heart more. How did I contribute - When someone does something and I believe I am right I stop and pay attention - I want to know how I got entangled - what did I do to create this..

What have you learned? Always learning :-)

Ed

[Dr. Cara Barker]

05:20 PM on 05/13/2010

Ah, yes, the old 'entanglement' issue rears it's head! You are so right, Ed, this is THE question to which we must return. It is a Life Long Learning curriculum, after all.

Many thanks for dropping by. I"ve missed you!

Love to you and Deb,
Cara

[jagrmeister721]

03:10 AM on 05/13/2010

Excellent points. These are the life lessons we had hoped religion would provide. Glad to know there are answers, or at least useful perspectives, somewhere.

[Dr. Cara Barker]

12:27 PM on 05/13/2010

jagrmeister,

I appreciate your comments more than you can know. I think that you and I are not alone. Whether schooled formally in religious training or not, (I have been in Comparative Religion), it has been such a disappointment to discover that the dogma has drowned the dream. Spirit lives best when free to move about in the world, and discover that Love is Alive in infinite forms. You are one of them.

I'd love to know your own experience that's catalyzed you to discover your own Path. It would be so helpful to those who are 'out there' on their lonesome, Trusting their Process, and, every now and then, discovering an oasis.

Thanks for stopping by. I'd love to get to know you, and learn from you, as well.

Peace and blessings,
Cara

[khanti]

08:28 PM on 05/12/2010

Meditaation on loving kindness
May I be well and happy.
May my parents and loved ones be well and happy.
May the departed be well and happy.
May all beings seen and unseen in this room be well and happy.
May all beings seen and unseen in this area be well and happy.
May all beings seen and unseen in this state be well and happy.
May all beings seen and unseen in this country be well and happy.
May all beings seen and unseen in other countries be well and happy.
May all beings seen and unseen in this World be well and happy
May all beings seen and unseen in this Universe be well and happy.
May all beings seen and unseen in all the Universes be well and happy.

[Dr. Cara Barker]

10:13 PM on 05/12/2010

Many thanks for sending this, khanti. Far too people are familiar with this gem. May we all practice the Spirit that resides in this prayer.

Blessings and gratitude, love and peace your way,
Cara

[khanti]

08:24 PM on 05/12/2010

Meditation on loving kindness is the tested way to overcome hatred and anger.
Practiced constantly with sincerity will generate a glowing warmth emitting
from your heart. When you come to such a stage just by saying
“may you be well and happy” quietly dissolves all hatred and anger.
The Buddha taught this meditation to his disciples when one day a group
of monks went to meditate under some trees where spirits reside. They were
unhappy with the monks and disturbed them. The monks reported this to the Buddha
who then taught them the meditation on loving kindness(metta). They returned to
the trees and practiced metta meditation after which no disturbances further occurred.
At one time as the Buddha was walking down a village, a drunken elephant ran amuck
and came charging down the street. The Buddha used his metta to subdue the elephant
which became very gentle and kneeled before the Buddha.

[Dr. Cara Barker]

11:05 PM on 05/12/2010

You are reminding me, khanti, about why and how it is that I've loved Buddhist teaching stories for so many years. There is a gentle breeze of healing from their simple imagery, just as are the practices practical and repairative. I am so thankful to teachers like Buddha, and to wise students of this Way, like yourself. You are an endless source for inspiration.

I thank you with all my heart,
Cara

[Kari Henley]

05:20 PM on 05/12/2010

Wow! Great post this week! What an inspiring way to demonstrate both "paying it forward" and acts of kindess all at the same time. It would be very easy to walk away and perpetuate the angry father's rage, but turning it towards him, driving off upset, and then taking it out on someone else. Being mean can be a vicious circle. I see it at home when my oldest son yells at the younger ones. It sounds so harsh to me- and then moments later I am yelling at him! Taking time to stop, step back, forgive, and change gears is an ongoing practice. Like the ongoing 21 day challenge!

[Dr. Cara Barker]

06:26 PM on 05/12/2010

Say there, sister Kari,

Yes, it truly is a chain-reaction....the old 'kick the dog' syndrome. Since I'm 'taking the 21 Day Challenge" myself, it came to me in those situations that if I said nothing, I'd end up having inflicted mean-ness toward myself, as well. Now, we know how toxic this is! Not good. How I love your willingness, Kari, to 'tell on yourself.' Most aren't so brave. No wonder you inspire me!

Love,
Cara

[Jean Raffa]

05:18 PM on 05/12/2010

Dear Cara,

As a sister writer about the inner life, I found this exquisite post very helpful and affirming for several reasons. First, because it was so short on theory and so long on the stuff of everyday life; I struggle to do the same in my writing but tend to fail more often than not. Second, because you shared your own process in difficult situations, which is so similar to mine that I immediately gave myself a mental pat on the back. That felt good. However, the fact that I usually do not voice my truths in situations like that for fear of being thought meddling did not. Third, because you write with equal honesty about your positive and negative processes. I tend to go more into the shadow than I need to or than others are comfortable with, and so was reminded of the need for balance. Finally, because of your infinitely sensitive and gentle spirit which shines in every tender response to your readers. And I didn't even mention how much my Orphan loves your Wisewoman! You are such an inspiration.

With love,
Jeanie

[Dr. Cara Barker]

06:32 PM on 05/12/2010

You are a sister writer, indeed, and in deed, Jeanie.

My orphan loves your Wisewoman, big-time. And, my Wisewoman loves your Wisewoman. In fact, Jeanie, I do believe we are all here, on Planet Earth, in the Great Orphanage, looking for reminders that we are brothers and sisters trying to re-member the fact that we are One, after all, come from One Source, to which we do return. Every once in awhile, a kindred Spirit comes along, crosses my Path, and I am reminded, as the poet says, that 'all is well, and all manner of things is well.' You are just a companion, and inspiritrice for me.

As for the writing, I spent far too, too many years in the academic mode, in the forever-footnoting mode, and found it dry, lifeless, not for me. I'm glad my 'meat (fish)and potato' Voice can be heard by you. With you, I am home.

Many blessings and love, besides,
Cara

[DiogenesOfAlaska]

03:43 PM on 05/12/2010

Is this the apotheosis of sister Cara? I think so. But I don't have the authority to decide those matters.

What I do know is that

I treasure your love,
[for showing me how to use mine]
you've been through the fires of hell
and I know you've got the ashes to prove it

Or did I miss something, For crying out loud?

[Dr. Cara Barker]

03:51 PM on 05/12/2010

Diogenes, here you go again, touching my funny bone, and causing a very real contemplation of the Spirit of your words.

Here's what I know for certain:
I treasure your humor,
I treasure that you share my own,
I treasure that you recognize the ashes and the soot,
I treasure that you are on the journey, side by side,
I treasure you are not afraid to say the "L" word,
I treasure your discernment,
I treasure your amazing gift in playing with words in ways that catch the reader off-guard.
I treasure your realness.

So, speaking of apotheosis (a word I love), what say you?

Peace, giggles and love your way,
Cara

[DiogenesOfAlaska]

04:13 PM on 05/12/2010

What say I?

For crying out loud,
for that I love you.

[BZ49]

03:31 PM on 05/12/2010

It is so easy to remain silent, to not be 'involved,' to be the 'nice guy' when difficult situations come up, and so hard to enter into the conflict, especially when emotions are running high. The trick is to be able to enter into the situation with a solid, self-loving ground of being. Building the latter should be a life long process, starting very young with parents serving as positive role models for little kids. So often we hear diatribes like those described in your posting; these serve as negative role models and are every bit as powerful as the positive ones. It certainly does 'take a village,' doesn't it? One thing that might help: Send every child 'to the principal' on a regular basis to be told what he/she is doing right!

[Dr. Cara Barker]

03:47 PM on 05/12/2010

I love it, I love it, I love it: 49, being sent to the Principal's office for the good news. You are speaking from the Principle of what makes life more than worth living. Your comments always stir the pot in precious ways, and in very useful ones, as well. I'm thinking you are a social activist at heart? Maybe a new cause?????????????


Grateful Hugs your way,
Cara

[Dr. Judith Rich]

02:39 PM on 05/12/2010

Dear Doc CB,

All good things come to those who are patient...... last week you were relegated to the basement bin and here you are this week, knocking this one out of the park!

Meanwhile, it is I who seems to be in "solitary confinement" this week. Must have been something I wrote in my post, which, interestingly enough is about solitude. Hmmmmm. Interesting how that works.

I do so love what you've shared here and it obviously strikes a chord with readers. This is so "you". I can just see you doing the "pattern interrupts", woman on the street, roving reporter style. "Pardon me, sir, while I do an intervention here". Shall we call you the "P.I.Police"? We have the "Principal's Office" and now the P.I. Police. Ya gotta love this! As I do you!

Keep it up sister. Lots of interventions to do out there. Get to work......meanwhile, back to the basement to look for my post.....

Much love,
Judith

[Dr. Cara Barker]

03:04 PM on 05/12/2010

dear Judith,

Oh, dear, I do so hate the 'solitary confinement' experience, here, and anywhere. This is what I want you to know: the power of your words are are so vital to our times, that your fans, and newcomers, too, will not forget them anytime soon, even if they have to find them in the basement. The basement is the matrix for what's brewing, and I predict a great big, fat, comeback! None the less, we do hate it, don't we? Aquarians, unite.

As for the P.I. Police, this is just too funny. The whole thing, for me, gets down to discernment: when to do Pattern Interuptus, and when to know that to do so is just plain meddling. But sometimes, maybe because my son is gone, it just gets my goat when I see the 'big people' inflict there unexamined stuff on the wee folks.

As for me, I'm not going to 'get to work,' but get my self to the resting place.

Much love and gratitude,
Cara

[DiogenesOfAlaska]

04:25 PM on 05/12/2010

I never knew you were an extrovert. How did that ever happen to you? Is it a serious condition that you find yourself in? I do know that I am among those who love extroverts, though.

And for some reason, methinks that Dostoyevsky, when authoring the 'Notes from Underground' probably was a little bit of an extrovert himself.

Now, I admit that before we have arrived at the optimal headline for your next column, we will need to work hard to do better than 'Notes from the basement'. But it's doable.

How about: Notes from a mother's basement?

Or: Here's how you get your daughter to get married to Aljoscha.

Maybe you could even get William Shatner to co-sign.

:-)

Best wishes,
another extrovert grinding the mills of being a voice in the desert.

[Dr. Cara Barker]

05:20 PM on 05/12/2010

Introvert? Extravert? More like 'ambivert,' for me! As a card-carrying introvert, it was necessary to learn the dance of the extravert growing up, merely to survive. But, no, the Truth is that when 'push comes to shove, I need to unplug from the din, and recharge in whatever comes first: the solitude of the cave, basement, or, wherever I can warm my Soul at the hearth of good old Hestia.

As for titles, I love your ideas, and am totally receptive to any suggestions. It makes writing so much juicier, and fun, besides. Despite my cave and desert periods, of which there are many, my days for 'solo' are pretty much over. Maybe it's the Aquarian nature kicking in because God and heaven knows our world would do well to get with collaboration!

Bye for now, 'good buddy!'
Cara

[Louise3]

02:06 PM on 05/12/2010

(Part 1 of 4)Reading this week’s article, this sentence caught my eye: “Never think for a moment, that your words don't matter. They are among the most powerful antidotes we've got to ameliorate the sting of cruelty, either self-inflicted, or towards others.”
Words can also be the most destructive weapons. Your examples talked of shouting, yelling and cursing – which are all very dangerous. But just as dangerous are very soft-spoken words meant with the intent of hurting. Some parents use very subliminal or sneaky words (without the loud tone) to do just as much (or more) damage to their children (or friends, or family…) And actions…with no words at all (or words that completely contradict the action) speak very loudly as well.

[Dr. Cara Barker]

02:58 PM on 05/12/2010

Yes, Louise, words can also be destructive weapons. When my husband, a physician, was considering different areas of specialization in medical school, one of his friends said: "I'd never be a psychiatrist. If you are a surgeon, you can see your errors. But, with a psychiatrist, words can be spoken that cut like a knife, and you might never know..." True, true, true.

The power of words, for good or bad, have always struck me as seeds that, depending upon how they are cultivated or ignored, can shift the direction of life.

Thank you for the gift of your own, Louise, and taking the time to write them so directly.

Cara