How to Protect Yourself from Narcissists

"But, you can't walk out now," Marnie, the registered nurse, said to Dr. Crissey, as he walked out of the conference room. "We aren't finished with report, and we've got a 'live-wire' on the ward that needs to be seen."

Seemingly indifferent, Dr. Crissey whirled around, retorting, "Who are you to tell me what to do? What I do is for your own good. You are just a nurse. I'm taking a break. There's nobody here as trained as I. You'll just have to carry on without the best surgeon you've got. Nobody is going to tell me what to do. I'll be meeting with the Board any time now, and they will hear about your lack of respect."

Intervention time. I spoke to both, after I was called in to intervene. Marnie assures me that Dr. Crissey comes with a long list of positions he once occupied, and constantly lets everyone know that he's "a big man on campus." She says, "He has an uncanny way of delivering put-downs. If he is in error, which he would never admit, he has a way of turning things around so that the person he injures ends up feeling to blame. He never owns his own shortcomings and goes into rage at the very suggestion that he is less than perfect. He is never nice without reason. Only when he wants something does he stroke us around, and then, the second he gets what he wants, he cuts you off. His heart must be made of ice. No wonder he's getting a divorce."

This is classic "narcissism speak." Dr. Crissey, on the other hand, tells me that it is ridiculous that he should have to talk to anyone, because he's believes he's in the right. "They're all fools, like my wife, and the two before her," he says. "She needs me, I don't need her. Who do these people think they are? I've got an I.Q. that leaves them in the dust, and a résumé that should make them all shut up. They have no idea who they are dealing with, and what I know. I'm not about to limit myself by such stupid protocals. When I take a break, I take a break. I'm worth my weight in gold. They should know that."

What's going on here, and why should you care? I share the above true scene with you, although the names have been altered, in order to usher you into the world of what's been called "malignant love." The clinical term for it is narcissistic personality disorder, and it underlies some of the newsmakers these days. When someone is narcissistic, be they a head of state, a celebrity or a family member, all suffer. When narcissism is "in the house," it leaves a trail of pain. Many are living with people with this disorder and do not know it. My intention is to set the record straight, in hopes that this may bring ease into your own life, if you find yourself dealing with these purveyors of malignant love.

Towards that end, I will outline a checklist of characteristics that are common to this personality disorder, which is, by the way, highly resistent to treatment. A narcissist need not have all the following, but the more they have, the more suspicious the picture. (Note that these characteristics are considered as diagnostic in adults, since during certain developmental periods, such as adolescence, this goes with the territory.)

If you've been involved in a "crazy-making" situation at work, home or elsewhere with someone that matches the following symptoms, take heart knowing that you are not alone. You may well be dealing with one of these folks. Know also that the narcissist is pretty much the last person standing to ever go for professional help, because they insist, "There's nothing wrong with me. It's not me, it's you." Consequently, one narcissist with a big network can pretty much build a therapist's practice from those who know them and are at their wit's end trying to figure out how to feel better! Even when the narcissist ends up in treatment, the outcome is bleak. Therefore, you must do what you must to save yourself. Remember the old adage about giving yourself the oxygen mask first if you are in a plane about to crash? Same thing here. Fasten your seatbelt, because here we go:

Characteristics Of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

• Chronic grandiosity (manifesting in unrelenting drive for success, power, love, beauty, brilliance)
• Fantasies of grandeur
• Strong need for being admired
• Lack of not only sensitivity to other's needs, but to others as anything other than a means to their own satisfaction (to be seen as a special case, where the rules do not apply to himself)
• Feelings of entitlement
• Exaggerated accomplishments
• Need to be larger than life
• Feelings of rage when confronted with self-absorption, revealing underlying sense of unimportance, emptiness, lack, fragility
• Secret feelings of unworthiness or imposter syndrome
• Appearance of icyness when confronted, indifference
• Unwillingness, inability to empathize
• Envy of others' success
• Exploitation of others
• Arrogance/haughtiness
• Often with an extreme adversion to aging

Seven Strategies To Protect Yourself

If these characteristics sound familiar, know that when you are dealing with a narcissist, ignorance is not bliss. Know that it is highly unlikely that the narcissist nearest you will ever find the need to change. If anything is to shift, it will come from you. Your first step is to realize that you deserve to treat yourself in a worthy manner. Apply the following:

1. Decide upon your boundaries.
2. Identify what behaviors cross the line, and communicate this as needed.
3. Build into your schedule plenty of down time for you when you've been in their vicinity.
4. Identify a strong circle of support for yourself, not as a place to whine, but as a place to renew your energy and perspective.
5. Build reserve. Know that when the time comes to set stronger boundaries, there will be push-back.
6. Don't crumble. Stay steady. Stand your ground without drama. Stay neutral.
7. Do not be duped. Move toward what love really means.

Remember:

• Love heals, not hurts.
• Love collaborates, not competes.
• Love cherishes, not diminishes.
• Love values, not devalues.
• Love extends a hand, not a fist.

Your turn: What are you willing to share about dealing with narcissists, or questions you have had? What has helped you? I'm listening, and learning from you, my teachers.

***

For more, see carabarker.net. For updates, contact me at carabarker.net, or dr.carabarker@gmail. To receive email notices when I post new blogs on HuffPost, click "Become a Fan" at the top of this page. Stay tuned for upcoming developments with The Love Project, including "Practicing Love." Follow me on Twitter at www.twitter.com/DrCaraBarker.

 

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Comments

[altawren]

10:47 PM on 04/23/2011

What an ugly trap to be caught up in. I cannot leave this relationship, the narcissist is married to my son and began making our lives miserable starting with the the two years before the wedding. It has gone down hill from there. I have lost a son with no possibility of gaining a daughter. Her goal is to eliminate us (mom and dad) from his life so she has no competing interests. At least we have our memories raising our son. We thought that could not be touched. Alas, she has colored his history with us in a negative light and it has come to pass his once fine memories of life with us have been stained. When will he open his eyes and see how destructive she is to family? And now, they are trying to have kids. Oh, poor children!

[Pick avellinoga username]

12:09 PM on 04/23/2011

Wonderful site. Could not have found this at a better time. Going through all the pain of this now.

[Pick avellinoga username]

12:03 PM on 04/23/2011

Inside the Easter Basket this year are very colorful eggs. The pretty pink egg has a bit of a heavy heart that's been left behind. The blue egg contains a piece of the soul innocently given away long ago. The green egg contains a prayer of forgiveness, with hopes of being able to move on. The yellow egg has ancient words written on the side asking for peace of mind which still evades the soul.

The dark purple egg has a prayer of gratitude for everything good in life, no matter the pain of the loss or of a life now turned up-side-down. The daisies in the basket are for all those good friends who stayed and comforted during times when the only consistency seemed to be constant inconsistency; never knowing when it would come or why but understanding that it would.

The delicious candy inside the basket - wonderful gourmet jelly beans, represent seeds of forgiveness and compassion for the other; understanding that herein lies a wounded child who 'loves' by pushing away those he loves. The contents of the Easter Basket represents pieces of the heart and soul given away to the other which were not valued. They represent those things one must now take back in order to reclaim the spirit; those aspects of ‘self’ one must be brutally honest about in order to fashion a new life. The Easter Basket represents surrender-forgiveness- letting go. It represents the whole that one hopes to become again.

[whipmouth]

09:28 PM on 04/19/2011

I hope I'm not coming too late for this interesting threat. Dr. Barker, thanks for the clear and concise informative article. I've read all of the comments and I still have questions. How does one distinguish the traits of a narcissist such as inability to show empathy, remorse, share responsibility for mistakes, sense of entitlement and victim-hood, from the traits of a person that suffers from autistic/aspergers syndrome? I was dealing with a friend that showed a lot of the behaviors described in this article but also has a self-admitted, and I agree, high chance of having aspergers syndrome. Are narcissist able to see what's "fair" but decide to ignore it versus someone else who is unable to perceive it? Or to put it simply someone could say "are you just a jerk or do you suffer from a real medical condition?" I am torn as to how to respond with this friend and I admit, afraid of being too accusatory. Also, my one criticism is that it seems harsh to put a person inside one of these pathological personality neat boxes, too easy to completely dehumanize someone you perceive as your enemy, I cringe at the use of words like "monster" and "subhuman". Although I understand that there has to be a point when enough is enough, I wonder if in your opinion, even narcissist are redeemable. I'm not coming from a Christianity point of view by the way, but from a purely psychological one.

[CryptoKnight]

01:54 PM on 04/13/2011

One word: Charlie Sheen.

[stromssa]

04:01 PM on 04/12/2011

Dr. Barker,
Thank you for this article. It comes at a crucial time in my life; I initiated what I thought would be a rewarding friendship some months ago, but this friendship, such as it is, has been all about her. A very dominating personality, she feels she is plugged into some power source that separates herself from "mere mortals," such as myself. I have an introverted, thoughtful disposition, which she sees as passive. She claims to have been introverted during childhood but changed to extroversion in adulthood. I can't help but wonder if my personality repels her: It perhaps reminds her of the "shadow self" she has for years attempted to change, and drives her to constantly belittle me and turn every "conversation" into a verbal battle with the pretense of "expressing her opinion." Even in the few heart-to-heart conversations we have, where it seems she actually cares, it's usually fueled by alcohol and seemingly forgotten the next day. I seem to attract people such as this, for some reason. It leaves me depleted and empty.

[Hookedonfashion]

12:44 AM on 04/12/2011

It took me 46 years, but I finally have my mom out of my life. No more conversations, holidays, birthday gifts, etc., and I feel great. It is like a ton has been lifted off of my shoulders. I no longer have to listen to her disapproval of how I live my life, raise my daughters or anything else I do. I should have done this a decade ago.

[Mike in San Pedro]

11:57 PM on 04/10/2011

How does the DSM define narcissism? Anyone got one handy?

[Dr. Cara Barker]

02:49 PM on 04/11/2011

Great question, Mike. Please see check-list at the bottom of the article,under 'characteristics.' The clinician refers to these behaviors as part of the diagnosis. That said, usually those who come for treatment are not narcissists, and are suffering from the characteristics of the narcissist, so bring with them vinettes. Hope this helps. F&F,

Cara
P.S. I love it when people question terms! Good for you, Mike.

[Mike in San Pedro]

11:52 PM on 04/10/2011

When narcissists come knocking at your door, don't let them in.

[Dr. Cara Barker]

02:50 PM on 04/11/2011

Welll said, Mike! Love your humor! Cara

[Leslie Robinson Goldberg]

11:16 PM on 04/10/2011

Thank you for this post! I have a person in my life with this problem and it's painful. This stuff that works for me is distance, remembering the put-downs have nothing to do with me and lastly what absolutely works the best, if I can possibly do it is making a joke. I'm not sure what I would have said with His Highness the Surgeon, Worth-His-Weight-In-Gold. Something like "Well, played sir! I like a surgeon who knows when it's time to knock off. I'm just glad you're not doing it while operating on me!"

[Dr. Cara Barker]

11:34 PM on 04/11/2011

You are most welcome, Leslie. I am happy that this post was useful. One never knows! sounds like you have been through this classroom, and learned your lessons well. Bravo. And, I must tell you I do adore your response to 'Dr. Crissey.' Brillliant. I'm a sucker for well chosen dry humor. Actually, I sense you have a beautiful heart and Spirit as well, if truth be told. I'd love to hear more from you over time. You add a great deal to the conversation. Have a marvelous week from your latest fan! Cara

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

11:08 PM on 04/09/2011

I've noticed when you are with someone in a conversation and there is only one person talking

there is no communication. You feel you are not really there. It can be really unpleasant.

[Dr. Cara Barker]

02:52 PM on 04/11/2011

O.K., my friends Ed and Deb, you have me in chuckle mode. Healing is so intertwined with laughter, is it not? And, if there is one thing that the narcissist and those in his/her environment require, it is laughter.

Love,
Cara

[hope4better117]

09:35 PM on 04/08/2011

Thank you Cara and thank you to all who have posted. This has been very validating for me. I believe I was involved with a man who is very narcissistic. It has been the most painful experience of my life. By the time it ended, I was certain I was stupid, crazy and worthless. Could he have made me feel that way if those beliefs about myself weren't already in there to begin with? Probably not. I believe my mother is narcissistic as well. The good part is I began a journey within. One that has been a long time coming. I've been in therapy, I'm back in school, I keep reading and learning as much as I can. I have become wiser and stronger. I'm learning how to set healthy boundaries. A skill which eluded me. I still have days that are a struggle. But the waves of pain are less intense than they use to be. I am healing. Still working on forgiveness of myself and the other. This is my fourth attempt to make a comment to this article. I'm fairly new here and can't understand how the moderators work. I certainly never wrote anything offensive but for some reason I haven't gotten through. Hope I do this time. Thanks again and blessings to all.

[Dr. Cara Barker]

04:42 PM on 04/09/2011

hope4better117, forgive my brevity. I'm on my way to hospice, and so must catch the ferry. But, that said, I want you to know how glad I am that you found this piece, and the conversation it generated, helpful. As we do not get financial reimbursement for the writing, my intention is to do what is helpful so that we each might reclaim our humanity through self-compassion. Your journey sounds well begun, indeed. Know that your Light is shining brightly in the darkness of this world. Know that this is a process. Surround yourself with those who are, likewise, on the Path that is true for their hearts, as are you.

At any time, I would be delighted to hear from you here. Meanwhile, I'm off to fan you with great pleasure. What a gem you are.

Cara

[arcangelica]

12:22 PM on 04/08/2011

you have to remember, that true narcissists have a complete and utter lack of sense of "true self". they are painfully empty, angry, small people who have to project their feelings of worthlessness onto their counterparts - usually those who want to love them and who continue to give them chance after chance to redeem themselves. what ends up happening is that the person who is the object of their terrible projections ends up acting those projections out ie: feeling worthless, feeling bad about themselves - the exact way the narcissist FEELS but would NEVER acknowledge. it is called "projective identification" and is a psychoanalytic term that explains why the people in a narcissist's life always end up feeling bad and never really knowing why. narcissists also like to blind-side - coming out of the blue with their anger or aggression due to some small even mis-perceived slight or criticism. the only way to heal from one of these toxic sub-humans, is to sever your connection to them. remember, the only way to deal with a narcissist is to IGNORE them - that is when they go away. even negative attention give to a narcissist is still attention - and sometimes a true malignant narcissist loves the negative attention more than the positive attention b/c it unconsciously validates their true feelings of worthlessness and self loathing. read Otto Kernberg's work on the malignant narcissist - much more insightful than the DSM's information.

[gcarl]

01:21 PM on 04/08/2011

arc, re 'that true narcissists have a complete and utter lack of sense of "true self". They are painfully empty, angry, small people who have to project their feelings of worthlessness onto their counterparts." I just wrote something similar; before I read yours, click on my permalink. Happy to be your first fan!

I work as a therapist in a prison. I have practiced a type of Zen/Tibetan shamanism (vajrayama) and have come to recognize what the textbooks don't teach, which is the literal use of an otherworldly power (Greek, daimonic), by which these folks seem to be willingly possessed. I like 'Anger, Madness, and the Daimonic', by Diamond, a student of Rollo May—one of the first to call it what it is, ‘evil’. A few months back we had a good Hufpo discussion of Ahab's fanaticism (narcissism) and the whale as representing this force of nature ‘inside’ Ahab, and yes, Ahab’s projection. The whale wins, and the whole ship's crew dies with Ahab.

[Dr. Cara Barker]

04:52 PM on 04/09/2011

gcarl, no small wonder that I've got you fanned, my friend. The truth is that I'm about 'out the door' to catch a ferry on my way to hospice while there's 'still time,' to say farewell to a spectacular human being. So, forgive the brevity, won't you?

What I want you to know is that I am so grateful for your service, for your amazing contribution, for your footsteps on a path that is not easy, You bring such wisdom to the work, and it is clear that you 've rolled up your sleeves to work on yourself, first and foremost, and are an amazing vehicle of Depth and compassion. what an honor to find you here, assisting others, as you must do 24/7. Know that I am not only most grateful, but my heart is touched. I've done my share of work in prisons, and I know what it takes. Bless you.

All blessings your way,
Cara

[Dr. Cara Barker]

04:48 PM on 04/09/2011

Thank you, arcangelica, for adding such a vital comment. I am so sorry to be brief, but I must catch a ferry to get to hospice 'in time.' That said, I want you to know how much I honor your experience, and your clear voice in expressing it. You are a person of great courage and, it is clear, have been on a journey of many steps, and increasing victories. In fact, it sounds like you are 'in the field,' for your references are 'right on.' Actually, I've always thought of the DSM as more like 'Cliff Notes' rather than anything meaty, for it is merely a reference but not the story. Kernberg and others are a great portal, however.

I've not only fanned you, but I am sending you my very, very best wishes for all good things. Time for joy to come to your door and surround you in its arms. You are a gift, my friend, a real gift.
Cara

[mssreader]

01:56 AM on 04/08/2011

Hi dear Cara, nice to see you back and with a powerful blog. Please know you've been missed.

I thought about you all day on the 21st with lots of love and caring thinking of the years that have gone by and days that are no more.

I don't have any narcissists in my life these days. I've had a few in the past but can't remember letting them get to me. I've always been good at ignoring and I think that's what one has to do with a narcissist and a lot of other would be bothersome people. One can let people get to you and after you've been knocked down a few times, you learn a thing or two. I just don't have room in my life for those kind of people.

Hope all is well in your world dear friend.

with lots of love your way,
me

[Dr. Cara Barker]

04:55 PM on 04/09/2011

Sweet mssreader,

I'm so happy to see you here. Unfortunately, I'm on my way to the ferry in order to reach hospice 'in time' before saying goodbye to a Light in the world. I know you understand.

Many thanks, sister that you are, for what you did on the 21st, and your friendship. No surprise to me that you've done spring cleaning on the narcissists. Life is too short, isn't it?

My heart is with you, mssreader,
Cara

[gypsynomad]

11:36 AM on 04/11/2011

Beautiful.

[mssreader]

12:36 PM on 04/11/2011

Ah........gypsy, you always say the nicest things. Thanks.

Have a beautiful day friend.

[Jokergirl]

01:23 AM on 04/08/2011

Narcissists I don't think are always easy to spot, they're highly manipulative so one minute they act one way, and the next minute they can be completely different. I guess just get to know someone before you get too involved with them.

[Dr. Cara Barker]

04:57 PM on 04/09/2011

No surprise, Jokergirl, that I'm one of your fans. You've got your 'finger on the pulse' of life, spot what needs spotting, and are getting on the playing field of Life well-informed by your own deep Wisdom. Bravo. Keep it up. Know that your Voice makes a different for those on their own journey with good intention and self-compassion. I am both impressed and every grateful. Drop by again. You add to the conversation in an important way.

All good things,
Cara

[Jokergirl]

05:43 PM on 04/09/2011

Thank you Dr. Cara, I really enjoy your articles, thank you for your great advice and just the way you approach your subjects. HUGS :)