As the end of this year draws closer, we are left with the annual task of summing up what has come to fruition, and what hasn't. Last December we were faced with a similar ritual. Many tell me that they were only too happy to "close out the account" of 2009. Despite resolutions to lose weight and keep it off, save money and/or get out of debt, get organized and improve problematic relations, usually we have a tough time keeping them. There's a reason for this. We make far too many dusty, old resolutions that lack any sense of vitality or joy. This dishonors life. Too often we get hung up in "shoulds." Blessedly, there's a remedy. Let's get started.
There's something daunting about resolutions, isn't there? So much so that often we stop making them. We lose faith in ourselves or the unknown. You are either closer to the life you say you wanted to live last year or further away from it. You have either stepped into the reality of your heart's desire or have become discouraged. Our friends and loved ones are either celebrating an improvement of their own conditions or loosing more trust that right will win out in the end. Some of those especially close to our heart are no longer here, and we have said goodbye. Others face challenges that may end in this being their last New Year.
Each of us is one year older. Whether your next birthday is a big one (like my own at the end of January) or not, we surely know that we will not get the past 12 months back again. Many of the questions you asked yourself this season last year have been answered, and other concerns resolved in surprising ways. Other issues that you couldn't have possibly imagined have popped up, and some faded into the sunset "like old soldiers." During your 2009 holidays, you had no idea of the challenges you would meet or the strangers who might cross your path, finding their way to that sercret, well-guarded private door to your heart. If truth be told, you also didn't suspect that these strangers would usher you through unsuspected portals, or that the two of you would share moments of marvel, the mere recollection of which now uplifts your spirit and nourishes your soul. Maybe you have found a personal angel or two, in human form, under very unusual circumstances. Maybe you have met folks so commited to negativity, victimization stories and toxicity that their atmosphere is absolutely contaminating, and you find yourself infected with a case of major "heebie-jeebies," which send you silently running to the hills screaming bloody murder.
Likewise, who knew that you would discover parts of yourself that would stare back at you in the mirror this past year, some of which you like, others not so much? Perhaps, you've discovered that you are not nearly as patient or kind to yourself as you need to be. Maybe you've awoken to the fact that you'd do well to cultivate much, much more self-compassion before rushing off to save the world. Maybe you've even met the transcendent hidden inside the ordinary and lack all words to express pure and simple gratitude for the gift of life. And, if you have been truly fortunate, perhaps a new life has entered your family through the birth of a child, or the warm cuddle of a furry pet. Looking into these eyes, you're reminded of pure and holy, innocent wonder. Peering into the openess before you, you may have even dared to enter that incredible mystery that connects us all, sourced by what goes beyond all non-inclusive religion and language.
One thing is for certain, though. Having had parts of ourselves stripped away by the unforseen, we have come to know ourselves in deeper ways. We are wiser and better for it, to the degree we claim what we have been given. Without awareness we cannot grow, live the lives we would like to live or discover how to be more loving in our hearts while there's still time. Without awakening and valuing what we do have, we remain stuck in focusing on lack and set ourselves up for more of the same.
The truth is this: We simply do not know where we will be one year from now, much less tomorrow. This being the case, what do you want to make of today so that you feel great about yourself? I'm not talking about adding stress or taking on a mad-dash attitude! The last thing either of us needs is one more thing for the to-do list. No, I'm thinking more about what you'd like to drop from your life that would improve your sense of gratitude. For example, what "accounts" do you need to close in order to live freely? How could you do so simply? Dare I say it: how could you lower the bar to what's been unrealistic? (For example, I assumed that by now, following foot surgery this summer, I'd be walking in a way that was "normal" before. I'm not. What if we were to revise our standards, giving ourselves more slack? In my own case, this looks like, "How can I move with greater 'ease in the system' and appreciation for the fact that I am 'on my way,' as dictated by the wisdom of the body?" You get the idea.
Seven Guidelines to Get You Started
Here's the primary question to ask yourself: If you were to write a truly fresh life chapter that would rejuice you this upcoming year, what ground must you prepare today? Below are the guidelines with illustrations.
If you take the time to follow these guidelines, you will notice what you'd like to develop over the next year, devoid of any "oughts" and rich in joy.
Now it's your turn. What do you recall from this past year that's meant the most to you? What direction do these recollections hint at, from your heart, for 2011? I'm listening...
Following my holiday and Intentions Retreat, I will return to writing for HuffPost in mid-January. Peace, joy and blessings to you and yours!
Love,
Cara
Special note: In remembrance of my cousin, Michael Lippe, who was killed in a plane crash two days after I wrote this: Your empty chair is remembered, as you were cherished. Thank you for the reminder that today is what we have. To life.
For more, see carabarker.net. For updates, contact me at carabarker.net, or dr.carabarker@gmail. To save time, click "Become a Fan" at the top of this page. Stay tuned for upcoming developments with The Love Project, including "Practicing Love." Follow Dr. Cara Barker on Twitter @DrCaraBarker.
Follow Dr. Cara Barker on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrCaraBarker
Jean Fain, L.I.C.S.W., M.S.W.: Self-Compassion: Kiss Your Inner Drill Sergeant Goodbye
Shane Claiborne: A New Year's Invitation: Bring in 2011 with the Youth of Afghanistan
Lucy Danziger: The U-Turn Week
I passed your latest link here on to some acquaintances at Eric Simpson's article on grieving. JDaddy and HillDweller, ... sound like code words rather than friends. They both touched my hearts profoundly today. Perhaps they will visit you here, ... which would be your mutual good fortune, I promise.
My love to you and Happy New Year, my friend.
xxxooo,
Cara
How incredible. Syncronistic. Amazing, you are. Just five minutes ago, I was telling the gal who is helping me get a new book in shape, about you. (I had not read your message.) She'd just visited teh site for the first time, and was so impressed with the kindness and outreach of these readers here. And then, she asked me: 'Are people ever mean to your readers?" I responded with the truth, 'no.' I felt prompted to tell her about you, in particular, and the enormous difference you make in all our lives. So there!
As for your friends, I would be honored to meet them.
Re your face: may your skin heal and be thanked. We have 'done a number' on ours in the sun over the years, haven't we? As for the 'no facelift,' you simply 'crack me up.'
May this year truly bless you, and surround you in the Loving,
Cara
Yoshida Kenko
Cara
Just a "blog by" Happy New Year! I really look forward to your articles and you ideas in the coming year. It has been a pleasure and an education in 2010.
Abundant gratitude now and in the coming year!
Lawson Meadows
Live like there is no tomorrow,
Laugh like the supply of it will never end,
Love without concerns for what returns,
Discover what's on the other side of new doors,
Collaborate on what creates goodness,
Refuse participation in what causes injury,
Rejoice in what needs celebration,
Kneel to what is bigger than our plan,
Give thanks for Grace we did not bring about.
I'm in.
Are you?
Love and cheer,
Cara
tur
Sounds like a fine deal...
Daily Joy.
Abundant Mirth.
Generous Affection.
Continual Curiosity.
Aultruistic Cooperation.
Personal Integrity.
Supportive Recognition.
Respectful Humility.
Appreciative Spirit.
I say yes! I'm in.
Maybe we should form a club!
A bucket of happy thoughts to you.
Lawson
Closing the accounts is a Chinese tradition I adopted years ago (clearing physical and emotional, paying debts etc.
2010 has been ripe with tons of emotional garbage and toxic relations which I thought was going to break me by summer.
Now in the twilight of 2010 through your exercise, I have discovered a love thread running my experiences. For my Self first of all, and a shockingly incredible man I met in late Spring.
I say shockingly incredible because - and fellas, don't take this the wrong way - most men are not worth my time. I mean, a penis is only interesting through your 30s and after that it's snoring boring if acute mental activity is absent. That explanation was for the men. Now, moving on...
I had to let this divine man go because he had issues to face and that hurt like a bitch. Yet, when I woke the next day all was peaceful and calm inside so I knew it was right.
And it's that same bedrock calm and utter silence inside that I'm living now.Toxicity in all its guises has been excised without impinging on my integrity.
I love putting people on the right track, knowing it is so - it puts me over the moon and writing gets my juices flowing, so let's see how this desire evolves in 2011.
May you be well, May you be happy, May you be free from suffering, May you be peace, Dearest Cara.
Catherine
What a year for you, Catherine, and what an amazing insight. You are simply 'primo' as Life's willing student in this crazy Curriculum on this earth. I particularly love the description of relationship in our 30's, as I step closer to 65. It rings so true.
As for your passion, I know it well. I say let's 'rock out' in this coming year in ways, heretofor, unimaginable. When we sum up 2011 together, may we do so together in absolute awe from that bedrock calm and utter silence that informs our Deepest Wisdom, our greatest acts of Love, our sweetest moments.
How grateful I am, and then some, for the gift of you and your extraordinary way of being you so authentically.
May all Grace find you laughing, joy-filled, and at peace,
Cara
Peace and gratitude to you, my friend,
Cara
Actually the anxiety, doubt and frustration are what was creating the pain from end May to mid Nov.
However, after I made the decision to free that lovely man so that he could deal with his issues, the terrible wrenching pain was told me that I was holding on to tightly, possessively and I had to let it go. It was fear of letting go and not knowing what was going to happen to me, not him!
However, the next morning the peace in my soul was a balm to my heart because I made the right decision.
My lesson from those 5 months is that the ego does not understand love which is possession and once we get that, we follow the heart's knowing because love is never about you or me, it is about the other person and what is good for them.
And my letting him go which he didn't agree with was in his best interest.
Besides, I refuse to shoulder someone else's baggage - been there, done that, that's over -
Cherrios...
So Cara, see, you are the one bring the best in all...Happy New Year to you from Gypsy..
Maybe the truth is that without those times when we hit the skids, we can never deepen our relationship with gratitude. So, not to worry. One of the things I love the most about you is your willingness to express what is real. You do not hide. From such amazing authenticity, all are offered the opportunity to examine our own 'whine', at times, administer the kindness needed toward ourselves, and forgiveness that brings healing forward. Further, your capacity for compassion and connection simply touches the heart, and wholeness is restored. We are One, after all.
May this New Year find you laughing louder than ever before.
Love,
Cara
This is also you, Cara, down to earth, able to laugh at simple things, and my respite...each and every week it is such a pleasure to come back to you.
Happy New Year Cara my LOVE
your walk is still not without pain, your heart is grieving for your family loss-and still you manage to speak for us all, and inspire us again and again.
I believe in finding the wisdom of the moments, instead of always forecasting to the future. There is great simplicity there.
I cherish those simple moments- like when my teenage boy still wants a hug and a tucking in, or when the stars are demandingly bright, or when I am walking alone and enjoy my own company for a change!
Enjoy your much deserved respite!
k
'Quiet simplicity' is the key to the All. Last night, a group of friends and I joined together, and practiced it, together. Before dinner, we did the old German ritual of Voicing and burning those aspects of our life, and attitudes, we wanted to release. Following our group feast, we spent many nourishing moments in the group give-away you mentioned here, last week. All walked away with joy rekindled, gratitude, and deepened connection. It is so simple.
In the Spirit of the fond memories of 'tuck in,' I am wishing you a marvelous, loving 'tucking in,' as the old year winds down. I send you love and gratitude for your unceasing contribution.
With love and praise,
Cara
Love,
Cara
Peace, joy and blessings, khanti, to you and yours,
Cara
Stay in touch. You have such a radiant contribution for more and more to notice.
FYI, my first name is 'Cara.' People turn it into all sorts of variations, like my last name. Just thought you should know. The naming of things is so sacred.
Joy and giggles,
Cara
Your response makes the whole volunteer of lots of time well worth it. I am so happy for your realizations, and know that they will have an effect on other readers. Just a personal note: my experience is that all relationships, including in love, are really practice. A Spiritual Practice to which we devote ourselves, under the rubric of 'relationships' to discover what love really is that has to do with honoring, kindness, that boundary setting, the gratitude, first, for the one staring back at you in the mirror. I'm not only fanning you, my year, I am touched by who you are in this world.
May every blessing and joy be yours, in the healing and afterwards. Let me know how you are doing!
In keeping with my own 6 word memoir post this week, I'll share mine here, which, as always, is right in alignment with your theme:
"It always comes down to Love."
Blessings to you and yours and best wishes for a return to vibrant health in 2011,
Judith
You've got my by-line, for sure. My motto, really. At the end of the day,
IT ALL GETS DOWN TO LOVE!
Hence, The Love Project I've been attending. (carabarker.net)
May your New Year, with all the wonderful family news, bless you 360 degrees,
Cara
Those are the most succinct six words available to us.
Enjoy!
Cara
I am grateful for the ability to be grateful, for all the good that comes to be from my wife, my kids, my parents, my teachers, my blog friends, my cats.... myself. I am grateful for the trip, and the opportunity to visit and re-visit the things that are truely important; for the propensity to appreciate all the abundance many apparently miss in thier daily trips to work, the mall, WalMart, the gas station, school, et al. There are so many so far down in their rut, they cannot see the field of which they are a part.
I am ultimately grateful that I grew to see that my behavior is important, not just to me, but as another piece of the puzzle... and a puzzle without all the parts is simply not complete. I am grateful that I appreciate and need the other pieces.
I guess in the end, I am simply grateful and glad that I deveioped a wide rather than myopic view of life: I see so much more that way.
Thanks for the nudge, again!
Lawson Meadows
PS: Enjoy your break, I look forward to your return.
And I, my friend, am so grateful for you: for the ongoing Light you shed on what matters; for your courage in sharing what is real, not superficial; for your taking your time to take your time, and notice what means the most. I am grateful for your ability to respond, and the time it took to develop this skill.
You are an amazement. As for the break, I am ready!
Love and blessings,
Cara
I recall finding peace of mind by being still and accepting what is. In doing so, things have been revealed and continue to be. My personal domain has been fortified and enriched.
There’s a hint of a professional breakthrough on the horizon. It feels like I’m at a crossroad of a rite of passage. I’m prepared and I’m ready to receive it.
Now it’s me who wonders. How did the angel with the temporarily bad foot happen along the path, boldly inserting herself on to my team? Uplift and nourish are much like weak coffee for what has been gained. But we’ll go with them for now.
You have others on your team too. You are one for which I am grateful to have met and exchanged ideas and a chuckle or two.
And like you said, Cara has such impact; we (and many others) are grateful for that.
Have a wonderful new year, and please let me know when you do "break through" on that passage.
Sincerely,
Lawson
Love and cherishing your way,
Cara
How grateful I am to meet and connect with you here, to share a bit of your journey, as you share a genuine heart. The fact that you are grateful for Stillness reflects itself in the most beautiful way through your Wisdom. Going to the depths is the only thing that brings it.
As for ready to receive, I say 'yes,' and 'yes' again. Bravo.
I'm with you in my heart and Spirit. You are a wonder.
Peace and blessings, my friend, for a splendid day and New Year,
Cara
In my darkest hour I looked down on the metal picture of my new born daughter and I was saved. A door opened and love was allowed back into my life. Love.
Jesus H! I find myself wiping my eyes half the time after reading your stuff.
Love - it is the verb that creates peace.
May your intention time be visited by a lot a love.
Bill
How blessed I am with you 'in the family.' Every time you write, and when I think of you in meditation and at other times, I am so, so grateful for who you are in my heart and in the world. How sad it is when hearts and minds are closed to what is in front of our nose.
You are truly one of the greatest gifts for me this past year.
As for love, my friend, it is everywhere, in every breath, as long as we do not turn away. Even then, it breathes our breath, and never ceases to offer itself. Ready or not, here it comes!
A joyous New Year,
Cara
My resolution for 2011 is to not slip backwards on what I learned in 09 and 10 and continue taking care of myself. I took chances and fought through fear during the last year and I grew. Yet this holiday season is easily the worst one for me this millennium. I'm grateful for you and my other life teachers for helping me prepare to better deal with life's unexpected ambushes. I breathe. I am.
much love,
little brother
Just a nudge: slippage is part of the process. Not to worry. Your intention is so darn clear, that growth cannot help be yours.
during this difficult holiday for you, I want you to know that I am with you, as I know are others. No matter how great the ambushes, help is on the way. In fact, it's already here. Look for it in the nooks and crannies, as it reminds you how deeply you are loved and cherished. Always remember, the pendulum always swings the other way, sooner or later.
With love and hope for what will find you!
Cara