Let me begin this week with thanking one of my readers. 'J' sent out an S.O.S. regarding the coming arrival of in-laws, and it wasn't pretty. The truth is that I got on quite a roll, writing her response, only to find that the HuffPost has a 250 word limit on comments. I'd written 1203! Do you think the subject hit a chord? Hence, I promised her that I'd devote this column to the subject in the hope that we might begin her renovation project.
The truth is that after 40+ years of doing this work, I've heard literally over several hundred thousand stories, here and abroad, of those who suffer the distress of dreaded in-laws during holiday visits. There is something about the set-up that is fraught with landmines for many.
So, kudos to 'J' who acknowledged that the distress is always so horrific, that she is tempted to feign sickness, just to get out of the darn thing. She wonders whether there is another alternative. There most definitely is another way.
Reframing
Here's a way of reframing your situation that may, like Rolaids, spell 'relief.' Let's begin with looking at your situation with nasty people coming over as a chance to come clean with yourself. Which, begins with showing yourself compassion. After all, my dear, this is your home. My home is my sanctuary. To protect it, my husband and I have a few ground rules. Do you? Ours includes things like: anyone who enters agrees to demonstrate kindness and courtesy to all others here, including themselves! No dissing anyone, allowed. Period. I've asked two family members to step outside, when they were disrespectful to one another. Another is: clean up your own mess. This one covers spilled milk, and bad feelings caused by treading on others' toes. I can tell you that this pretty much covers all situations.
Rule #1: Kindness and Courtesy. Arrange an appointment, away from home, with your husband a week before the arrival of the nasty guests. Tell your husband your intention is to kindle the flame to an even deeper and sweeter relationship between the two of you. At all costs, do NOT say to him the four most dreaded words to a man's ear, "We've got to talk." They have the effect of sending any red-blooded male to the hills, like screaming meemies. No single four words can send a shiver up a man's spine like these. They issue the message 'You've done something really wrong, and you are not measuring up.' Give this message and you both are lost at sea, so far from harbor that nasty in-laws may look like a cakewalk.
Once at your appointment (an appointment signals that you are serious, but not deadly), be up front. Let your guy know that your intention is to create solution as a team on something that has distressed you. Let him know that you are confident you can work together. Tell him that what you need is for you to share your perspective, and you would like him to simply listen, not defend.
Then, zoom in: "I appreciate that what I'm going to say might be uncomfortable temporarily. Hear me out. You are in a very tight situation. Your parents have raised you and you love them, and they love you. It is clear to me that I may not be the partner they'd hoped for you, based on how they behave towards me when they are in our home. It is O.K. with me that I am 'not their cup of tea.' That is O.K. What is not O.K. is the distress that is caused when we are all together, so I am ending our old way of handling the tension.
"I do not expect you to speak for me with them. I am handling that myself. I am writing them a letter to this effect. What I am proposing is the following: 1. They spend special, memory-making time with you each day on their visit, so you all get what you need. I will make arrangements to spend time in some activity that enriches my well-being while you are all with one another. 2. Throughout the visit, we keep the focus on what we do appreciate about the moment and one another. I would love to know what is meaningful to your folks, building a relationship on what is healing and healthy. It is important, also, that they discover what is important to me.
"In this way, we come together as a more harmonious family over time. I'm telling you this because my intention is to make things better together, for all concerned."
As a 'shrink,' however, I need to give you the informed consent preamble. Before things get better, they often get worse. Prepare yourself, J., for the road ahead.
Godspeed! If you'd like, next week, we'll take on Rule #2. Let me know how it goes.
Follow Dr. Cara Barker on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrCaraBarker
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My ex-mother-
I used to joke with my ex-husband when she was going to come for a visit by saying, "I will need to remember to dust the ice cubes and vacuume the cat." When she would get there, she would rearrange all of my furniture in my living room. She would say, "This way will work much better." I would just sigh and wait until she left to move it all back.
It didn't help that my ex-husband felt that if his mom wanted it that way, that's the way it should be. I never fought with him over it, that's not my style, but I do wish I had had this advice at that time.
Isn't it interestin
Many blessings your way,
Dr. Cara
I was recently talking to my sister-in-
I also remarked that everyone in my family knew that if there was any contest between my husband or any of them for my loyalty, that they would automatica
If before you marry, your potential spouse, sides with your future in-laws against you on ANYTHING (except maybe whether to get out of a burning building), you are in for a world of hurt. There is a reason that police teams who ride in police cars are called "partners;
While it is certainly preferable to set the ground rules before marriage, I'm afraid that my experience differs in one significan
All the best your way!
Dr. Cara
One observatio
The fact is that there seems to be truly challengin
Stay tuned to next week. I'd love to have your perspectiv
Warmly,
Cara
Bless you for the reminder.
Cara
Cara
May many blessings be yours!
Dr. Cara
Thanks for your suggestion
Happy Holidays,
Dr. Cara
Your descriptio
Much love and appreciati
Cara
Thanks so much for sharing about your ground rules for kindness, respect and courtesy in your home, your sanctuary. Brought to mind not difficult in-laws, but difficult others...a
Love your column... What a gift you are...
Joie de Vivre
You, my dear, are the gift! In writing these columns, we never know 'is anybody out there?' Still, in these days of so many demands on people, so much stress, we 'press on' anyway in the hope that some ease-in-th
And, you are right, again. Difficulty lives in many forms. Many years ago I wrote a little book on the subject. Alas, it is out of print.
Keep being who you are. Your Light is shining brightly!
Cara
This is what they pay you the big bucks for. I hope your readers appreciate the wisdom you share so freely in your weekly posts.
Having been your friend for over 30 years, I know how it works at your house, and readers, this woman means what she says! Beyond that, your wise counsel gives people a structure to work from.
Given the tendency to want to distance one's self from those nasty relatives, the question becomes: how can you both "win"? And let's define a "win" as something other than playing the avoidance game. What would be a win for you with that difficult person, in which the relationsh
Even old Ebeneezer Scrooge wanted to be loved. He just had a hard time letting love in. Bottom line, many people, including those difficult relatives, just don't know how to be loved. What if you went first? What if YOU showed THEM what love looks and feels like? Guess who benefits? Ta da! Both of you!
Learn more on my blog just down the block (appearing on Tues.) about Scrooge and the Audacity of Change. He was the least favorite relative of all and he turned it around. So can you!
All the best,
Judith
I love it that you are writing about Ebeneezer. His is a character that offers so much teaching. As for me, I'm headed off to your blog to learn what I can learn. With you around, I always do!
Love and Light,
Cara
Sometimes, what helps in first meetings is simply to acknowledg
Good luck, Godspeed, and let me know what happens! I'm in your corner.
Dr. Cara
PS - Feel free to remove it when eating and drinking. Just be sure to put it back when you're done.
Happy holidays,
Cara
No need to thank me. I'm here to help.
It is also true that the in-law problem spans all cultures. In comparativ
And so, your last sentence is a jewel. Let's hope that both your wif and mother begin to notice what is praise-wor
All the best,
Dr. Cara
You made such an accurate comment re: "we have to talk". I DO head for the hills whenever I hear that, and it's the same when you hear it in Japanese, too. LOL.
My in-laws are a dream compared to what my own family does to my wife -- or used to until we lowered the boom the only way that worked: with separation
Long story. I'll spare ya.
I must admit to a sadness, on my part, however, with what has happened with your own family. Like it or not, in most cases the wife is considered the interloper
May the holidays treat you with kindness,
Dr. Cara
Nice. Thank you.
My experience is that pretty much any difficulty can be resolved with some attention to reframing. Most times, when people are nasty it is because they are fearful. Usually the fear is that they are not going to get their share of whatever is important to their heart. When everyone gets a 'piece of the pie,' things tend to go better.
This holiday, let's all see what we can do to activate a generous heart, particular
Best wishes for a beautiful season. Let me hear more from you!
Dr. Cara
Thanks for your thoughts. Keep it up. We benefit from your wisdom.
Dr. Cara