"Runners, to your starting gates!" With Halloween a thing of the past, and 'leaf slush' pretty much every where you step, it's not hard to imagine that in a few more days, the smell of roasted turkey will fill the air of American kitchens. It will be preceded, however, by a good deal of sweat equity. There's a gap between the here-and-now and there.
"I don't know how well I'm going to pull off the holidays", my neighbor Megan confessed as she tossed briefcase, gym bag and backpacks into her Outback's trunk. Every year, I swear I'll start earlier, and I never catch up with myself in enough time to actually do it. Come on, kids", she said, as her three little boys piled into the car, two still clutching morning toast, her three year old, sleepily rubbing his eyes.
As they drove down the hill, Sharon, another neighbor clad in blue chenille robe and 'Ughs', retrieved her morning paper from drooping rose bushes. "I'm glad that's not my life," Sharon said with a yawn. I guess there's one good thing about my company going down in flames. I'm actually going to be ready for Thanksgiving this year, although it won't be fancy."
One year later, I review my notes from this 2008 pre-holiday encounter, then head off to shoe repair and grocery, where I decide to ask those I meet: "Where are you with Thanksgiving 'around the corner' this year?" Most are 'singing the same tune as Megan' was 12 months ago:
Like every year, somehow I'll pull it off. I have no idea 'how'. The pressure's mounting, and then, Christmas. The whole thing's a whirlwind, and, too often, I feel like I missed it.I promise myself every year I'm going to start earlier, going to get myself together, and enjoy the whole process, but it never happens. By the time I've got everything on the table, I'm exhausted. When I look at my family, it's worth it, but I wish I had more time with them.
This rings a bell. In the wake of our friend's death this past week, leaving behind his 15 year old daughter, son, wife and grandchildren, it matters little to the hearts of those who knew him that Dr. Gene Cohen's achievements earned him significant space in the Washington Post, and New York Times. What matters to us is this giant of his time's absence at the table. Loss is an unwelcome guest at too many a holiday feast. We need to take time today with those we love, and celebrate those who are no longer here.
"'Tis' the Season." The question is, for what? With all the stressors around, what might help this year as we launch? What if we did a little 'tweaking' this year, before you sprint out the door? What if we decided to bring more 'ease into the system,' enjoy the process more, and stress out less? What if those of us who don't live in the perfect Norman Rockwell painting, chose to simplify, and 'not sweat the small stuff'?
Rewriting Your Own Holiday Story. One of the most encouraging developments of late, is the number of books reporting the power of rewriting our story. Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot's The Third Chapter, and Jim Loehr's The Power of Story are well worth the read. From a different lens, their research conclusion is the same. Those who write out the details of how they'd like to be living fare better than those who do not. The more details, the better. This supports the burgeoning field of neuroscience. When we quiet the mind, contemplate, and conceive the details of what we desire, this affects the development of neural pathways that promote the down-regulation of the sympathetic nervous system, (read this as 'stress central'), and promotes relaxation, harmony, well-being. There is an additive effect, apparently, of committing this to writing. Of course, this takes a bit of time, but you are worth it. We can do what Megan did over the past year, and create a new relationship with life. We can break out of the holiday box.
Drafting a New Chapter: I have empathy for Megan, and all the 'Megan's' out there. I remember how I used to self-torture comparing my holiday preparations with Rockwell illustrations, which were, by the way, his fantasy. There just seems to be something about difficult times that sends us racing down memory lane and 'grass is greener.' It does not work. It certainly didn't for me after divorce, split custody, remarriage, disappointments and losses. Holidays have a way of resurfacing hurt.
So, too, with Megan after her husband left, and she asked to meet for coffee. With a little course correction, Megan realized last winter that she had become a victim of her own story. I suggested she describe, in writing, her life, as is, during the holidays. She wrote: "I start my day being shot out of the canon. I'm behind before I get up often, as I rush them out the door. We are always rushing."
We decided to start there. She rewrote her desired new start: "By the time I get up, I've had a good night's rest, even if it means going to bed at 9p.m., even if all the dishes are not put away, and all the laundry is not folded. I forgive myself. My home is more relaxed, and no longer stressed. I give up perfection. I give up striving, and surrender to more human moments with myself and my kids. I begin my day in bed with 10 minutes of gratitude for what we have, and a few for focusing on the one thing that is most important to me to experience by the time I hit the bed. I practice remembering that every day is my personal Thanksgiving, even when I feel my gratitude cup is leaking." This year, Megan and her boys are "going camping at the Holiday Inn for Thanksgiving. We've all decided that we are not going to make our beds. We're having hot cocoa in our room. We're bringing the Monopoly game, our bathing suits, and smore-making items. We are going to make new memories and break free."
5 Actions for Rewriting Your Holidays:
1. Before you go to sleep tonight, consider taking out a sheet of paper. Write out a simple description of what's most important for you this season. Go for details, not perfection.
2. Breathe in/breathe out.
3. Once relaxed, imagine yourself experiencing what you've written.
4. What one little action step might you take to set this scene into motion?
5. How might doing this enrich your experience of the holidays this year?
Have a blessed Thanksgiving. Remember that you are greatly appreciated, deeply cherished. In my book, you are THE BEST! Do pass along my thanks to you, and your contact list.
Let me know what you'd like to rewrite? For what are you most thankful? Love, Cara
Follow Dr. Cara Barker on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrCaraBarker
Love,
Jason
Every blessing your way, and an early Happy Thanksgiving. You've added to my blessings!
Cara
It always seems to take me a while to get to your piece. Weds is my day "off" from Huff Po and yet I always look forward to reading what you have to say.
Brava!
I think you came up with a great book title in your last line: "In my book- you are the best!"
This is a wonderful suggestion and reminder to "rewrite" our own story- especially at the holiday time. I have 4 children- and 2 fathers. One takes the older kids to FLA on X-mas, and my current husband is an agnostic Jew who doesn't quite get the hoopla of the holiday. I grew up in classic middle class america where Christmas is the blow out big Kahuna of the year. Rewriting a holiday story is a great way to unwind the childhood expectations with the realities of today.
I have managed to rewire Christmas this year for myself and my little ones- and am really looking forward to it for a change!
Thanks!
Kari
Part of the stress of the holidays, for so many of us, has to do with the 'readjusted' family structure, and integrating each person's heart desire. Sounds like you have mastery, here.
Love, and happy holidays,
Cara
May your day, and Thanksgiving, return to you the many blessings you offer so generously,
Cara
Bless you.
Just wanted to say have a great holiday. I'll be traveling a bit and trying to wrap up the TV season before going home for the holidays so I'll be browsing every now and then. I appreciate what you've written above. I plan to take a deep breath and take it all in. My siblings and I are planning a 50th birthday party for my mother on Christmas Day so it's been a task. But I always visualize what a great surprise moment it will be for her.
Take Care,
Ebony
I'm so glad you dropped by, as I'd been wondering how you've been. Must be a lot of work doing the series. Let us know when it comes on, and which series you've been working on, please!
Many blessings to you, my dear,
Cara
For suggestions in your own area, read my blog post:
"10 Cheap (Holiday) Thrills in Paradise: Encinitas, CA."
Good for you! Staying inside the box is highly over-rated. I appreciate your creation and your contribution.
May all blessings be yours this Thanksgiving and each day. Do come by for a visit!
Cara
Blessings on you and your work,
Norma
Peace and blessings,
Cara
I guess I've been lucky on this one for a long time. I never subscribed to all of the hubbub. My holiday plans have always been kind of simple. I'll viist friends and relatives in the vicinity, but not on their terms. I don't have terms for them to meet so I don't worry about failing to meet their expectations of me. That's their "story", not mine. All of my effort has been about providing normal type of holidays for my kids when they were kids. We'd have the Yule tree and presents on Christmas day. They didn't even know I was atheist until their mid-teens. They knew they had the same decorations at their house as everyone else and got similar presents to their friends. I did like making the feasts, but again I did it simply. The turkey was the only thing that took awhile and that just meant getting it started early enough. I still don't understand the chaos, but I think some people actually like it. I'm re-writing more of my story a lot lately, it's like a second adulthood.
Lotsa Luv,
little brother
Let me know your rewrite. I'd love to hear! All I can say for now is that I love your own true way for following your heart. I'm sure many readers would join me in saying that yours is the sort of home where we'd love to visit. Holidays freed from complexities are holidays that call back the Spirit. Good for you, Little Brother, good for you.
One more thing: you are one of my top blessings for 2009....just the opportunity to meet you through the HP has been a joy and honor. May your Thanksgiving return to you the warmth and love you radiate each day.
Peace and blessings,
Cara
Just thought I should add this, too.
Love,
Cara
I want you to know, Diogenes, that I am so thankful for you in my life, and in our readers' lives. Over the past nearly 1 1/2 years since I've been writing for the FP, I have been awed by your Wisdom, and graced by your contribution. At our Thanksgiving table, I shall think of you with gratitude.
Love,
Cara
Chris Thiele
http://widowisland.wordpress.com/
I want you to know that my heart shall be with you and your sons during each approaching day to the holidays ahead. Those who've recently grieved, and grieved long ago, know the truth that in our heart, there is no time, and no stop watch on the re-emergence of sadness for who we've lost. Life is difficult, is it not? Especially so as a single mom. My love is with you.
One little offering, for what it's worth: on my especially tough grief years, I make it a practice to create some sort of SIMPLE ritual that honors the life of who I've lost before the actual holiday. It seems to help when the actual holiday arrives.
Let me know how it goes, Chris. You are a brave and inspiring woman. Your husband was very fortunate, as are your boys.
Godspeed, and Sisterhood,
Cara
Now, everyone gets to choose 1 special request for Thanksgiving dinner (turkey & pumpkin pie are a given)and anything else I accomplish is "gravy"(sorry, couldn't help myself). Everybody gets a favorite dish and it's really manageable for me.
Better yet, we have a small group of friends that we are sharing Thanksgiving with this year. The family taht already has a cleaning lady is hosting and doing the turkey. The other families are bringing everything else. Each family gets to share a family favorite, everyone has a great time and no one has to stress out.
Your response is do darn helpful, I think, in particular, for small families. You are absolutely correct that it takes the same amount of energy. One addition, if I might: there are many, many folks out there who have no place to celebrate, especially, the elderly. What a difference and invitation makes.
May your holiday bring you ease, joy, and infinite blessings. Come by again!
Cara
I would rather skip all holidays. And then if I wanted to buy someone a present, or have a picnic, or pass out some candy, I could do it, without the cultural and commercial imperatives attached to it.
"I would rather skip all holidays. And then if I wanted to buy someone a present, or have a picnic, or pass out some candy, I could do it, without the cultural and commercial imperatives attached to it." I say, no time like the present. Declare your personal independence and just 'do it,' as Nike puts it. Just do it. Why not? I believe you will find a number of others jumping on board when they realize how genuine is your heart. If 'they' don't understand, then expand your orbit. I double-dog dare you!
I trust your heart. It knows the Truth of your wisest Self.
Peace and blessings. If you do make a shift, let me know what happens! If not, check out next week's article. It just might help!
Love,
Cara
Last year my daughters and I decided to re-write our scripts for the holidays and I enrolled my friends in in our choice.... no gift-giving, except the gifts of love and presence. This year we plan to continue our new "tradition" since it was such a smashing success last year.
No pressure to join the "race" to buy, wrap, mail, stand in lines, etc. Our gifts to our loved ones and each other is to spend time together in simple enjoyment of the moment. As you say in your post, let us not forget to appreciate each other while we're still here for all too soon, loss will pay a visit.
At a "certain" age, and I'd count myself as a member of that tribe, "things" no longer bring joy as much as does connection with loved ones. So I'm writing a plan for the holidays that highlights simplicity and connection.
And on that note, I'm giving thanks for this connection with you, forged over many years of friendship and sisterhood. I'm great-full for y-o-u!!
Love and blessings,
Judith
Much, much love your way,
Cara
All my best to you and yours Thanksgiving, and each day,
Cara
Peace and blessings to you, my friend, and all fortunate enough to cross your path!
Cara
Your example is truly helpful. Do come by again, let me know how your process goes. It is clear that you have a contribution that needs hearing. I'm listening, as are others hungry for what you are offering.
A special wish for a meaningful and blessed Thanksgiving to you and your circle,
Cara
You've also given me an inspiration for next week's piece. Actually, I was going to take a break, but, now, I'm realizing another possibility. This is a team effort, after all! Thanks, again.