So much for planning! Remember the old saying "If you want God to laugh, show Him your plans?" Well, the Gipper must be having a good chuckle on me, it seems. Although I had a nifty little topic lined up for this week, something else cut to the front of the line, refusing to be denied. Ever had that happen? You think you are heading down one street, only to find the road's under construction, and you've got to settle in for a detour with a minimum of elevated blood pressure.
No matter where you turn, things are heating up around the planet. And, I'm not just talking about the impressive heat wave. The Blame Game seems pandemic. As the British Parliament takes on the Rupert Murdoch scandal, and the initial whistle blower is found dead in his apartment, all while the head of the police resigns, stating his personal "integrity remains intact," increasingly Americans grow alarmed with the thread of an economic Armageddon on August 2 if politicians can't get their act together, "get over themselves" and remember who hired them to do their job in the first place.
Regardless where we look, the blame game is in full swing. If we are honest we'll admit we've been there, ourselves, some of us more recently than others. I know that I am raising my hand on that score, too. One of the most slippery slopes we humans navigate is the "I'm right, you're wrong" game. No one ever wins. Sure, maybe in the short term someone walks away feeling pretty cocky. The trouble is that whenever this is the end of the road for discussion, our connection becomes more strained, our nerves more frayed. The end result is that it becomes harder and harder to trust one another when the next issue arises, as it most surely will. Before you know it both sides, having forgotten that we are connected as human beings, begin to gather more evidence to justify that the other is a jerk, and we, beyond rebuke.
And yet, the problem comes when you choose the "path of awakening." Because if you have, we know by now (even though we forget too often) that there really is "no one else out there." I'm not talking about card-carrying narcissism, here. No, I'm referring to the truth that we are "one." I promise you that whatever I might find unlikeable about you has a lot to do with what I do not find loveable in myself. In other words, projection is at work. The very thought makes us wince. Of course, the thing runs the other way, too: whatever I cherish in you is something I would delight in myself, if I would own up to this shared trait.
Here's the truth: There is good news. Each time I catch myself in "blame game" mode, be it with sarcastic comments about the other political party, a relative or someone I know, the fact is that I am guilty as charged with one crucial oversight. Conflict always is born from fear. Pure and simple fear. Fears that we are not enough, or that we will not have enough. Name an exception.
Yesterday I heard a woman, we'll call her Barbara, tell me that her husband is never interested anymore in sex. She's angry, hurt. Underneath it, when she gets honest, is the fear that she's not enough to hold his interest. Barbara turns his choice into self-blame.
Before that session, a high-powered corporate executive, "Gerald," blames his board of directors for not taking his ideas seriously. Beneath, he's wallowing in self-doubt.
Before his session, a father, who we'll call Sam, tells me his grown kids never come over for a visit. When Sam goes down memory lane, he fesses up that he spent far more time at work than with them when they were growing up, that the message he gave them, by his absence, was that other things were more important.
Faux solutions: mechanism vs. context. Regardless whether we are talking about phone tapping, the economy at the edge of the abyss, a partner or kids who seem disinterested in connecting or a work situation that seems to insult, the fact of the matter is that solutions never come from mechanics. By this, I mean unless you get to the root of the problem, the blame game will simply continue, disguising itself in some new form.
It's hard to flower in a bed of weeds. Without addressing the real, underlying issue, whatever solutions are offered is sheer fluff at best, and ineffectual at worst. This is why Washington, D.C., has not been successful in solving some of our biggest problems. There is far more energy going toward "right/wrong" than remembering we were formed as united states, connected, with a purpose larger than any one part.
Liberating Your Life from the Blame Game: The First Essential Step and Antidote
Let's take a peek at how this operates in the aforementioned true situations, using them to illustrate what can liberate from blame. The antidote has been road-tested, by the way, and works if you work it.
The Antidote to Fear: Barbara defeats herself when she blames her husband, Max. She is angry. She is hurt. We understand, unless we have stones for hearts. The reality is, however, that when Max seems disinterested in her, it stirs unconscious waters. Barbara's father was often gone, and eventually what came to light was that he was having an affair. Barbara, a daddy's girl, privately blamed her mother for not keeping herself attractive, for growing bored with life. Barbara has been afraid she is not sufficiently attractive and will end up like her mother. Her fear keeps her from finding what is attractive within her own nature, regardless whether she stays with Max or not.
Sam and Gerald would benefit by this, as well. The former admits he as never sought forgiveness from his sons or for himself from himself. He's been so busy feeling down and defending his absence that he has failed to be compassionate to the demands upon him as a breadwinner, who also grew up in a home without a dad. Gerald, age 63, is beginning to doubt his prowess in the corporate jungle, which coincides with his decline in health. He hesitates more in decision- making and is losing his verve as he attempts a cover up with growth hormones,and other anti-aging cosmetic strategies, like dying his hair.
Each of the three, like any of us, benefit greatly by the following: Take back your own measuring tape! Reassess your own value and find what can be cherished, in your own eyes first. Rabbi Hillel said it best, generations ago:
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am not for others, what am I? And if not now, when?"-- Rabbi Hillel
Whenever you find yourself held hostage by fear, hurt, self-recrimination and get stuck in the blame game, take heart. You, too, are human. The "fix" might not happen overnight. Just like current national and international issues, many meetings might be required to get down to the basics of care, self-consideration and self-compassion. Without this, how will we ever remember that we are part of something bigger than our own agendas and hidden fears? The antidote to the blame game is not hurling another insult or retracting in rigidity. The antidote is forgiveness, beginning with the self. Whenever we get stuck, let's remember a teaching from nature. With enough time, even rock can be altered. Given sufficient water moving around it, shift happens.
Let's get back into "flow." Said Gandhi: "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the atttribute of the strong." Let us begin by getting stronger through self-forgiveness.
Your turn: Where have you given up the blame game? Where has self-forgiveness proved useful? Where might more forgiveness be of benefit? I'm listening, and I'm learning from you, my teachers.
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We're all products of our life, our upbringing, and those around us...but at some point, people have to take responsibility for themselves and leave that behind to move forward.
...perhaps it's forgiveness, or just realization.
Or both.
At some point though, you have to let go of the past...the anger, resentments and bitterness.
Whatever it is that holds you back, from being the person you want to be...the person that you can smile at in the mirror, and call your best friend.
It took me many years to do that, and even still sometimes I fall back into it...when I feel overwhelmed or frustrated, but you have to just get centered again.
Blaming others doesn't fix or solve anything, you just have to figure out what you want and how to get there...if you blame others continuously, you'll go nowhere.
We're all just canvasses in life, works in progress...and if what you see now isn't to your liking, gesso the canvas and start over.
posted Jul 28, 2011 at 12:23:03
>No, I'm not a propagandist for the societal religious view
I know you aren't, but did you review "your" metaphors i highlighted, are they sneaking in the back door unnoticed? :)
>and there is no-one to know this idea, even though this can be experienced without their being a knower and the known.
Ludwig said something similar: Thinking is unnecessary redundancy.
>when 'we' make a decision, but 'lose it' when something else seems to decide for us, like liberals in the gvt letting in undesirables (worst case is schizophrenia)...
Matus said, The universe assembles the structure around which we believe we come to decision.
t
All good things,
Cara
I'll be back with pleasure.
After reading some of your past comments, I liked what you said about Bachmann’s lack of self-awareness in regard to her elegance. Funny how people so often see a distorted reflection in the mirror. In her case; I’d say that she has the view of a carnival mirror looking out at an actual normal human being. Moreover, her view is from a malformed mind…!
I also liked your support of Angelina Jolie; too many people are critical of celebrities and the rich, their envy is so evident; like they wouldn’t want fame, fortune and beauty…!
I like that "view of a carnival mirror." Great visual!
I even had to forgive old colleagues as I would lie awake at night, being SO annoyed about meetings or work conversations from years back. Ridiculous but it was taking up valuable energy.
I now do a regular practice of forgiveness - if I find myself annoyed or even procrastinating, I start looking at what else I can forgive.
Great article - thanks.
All blessings, all joy your way,
Cara
“Your turn: Where have you given up the blame game? Where has self-forgiveness proved useful? Where might more forgiveness be of benefit? I'm listening, and I'm learning from you, my teachers.â€
Okay, you asked for it…!
I would have replied sooner except I knew I would have a series of micro-strokes. But I was reminded by another poster here that I had not; so here it is:
First, I can tell you unabashedly that I do blame politicians for the conditions in this country. (I will spare you repeating the details that you already know..)
“who hired them to do their job in the first place.â€
It’s not just a question who voted for them; it is also very much about what they sold us on.(And did they fight for peoples best interests.) Need I name Who I’m talking about?
Doc, if click this link turn it up high, stand up and let your feet and such absorb it…!
ithttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rp6-wG5LLqE
lyingtruth Commented 1 day ago
"Part 2 I forgive those I love, although I do not forget
their transgressions. In general, I forgive human beings for
failing to be civilized and their redundant ignorance. I
forgive friends for their bad behavior as long as it has done
me or mine no personal harm. I forgive myself for being a
Cheneyhead from time to time and I forgive myself for being
part of a species that I have little respect for. Regarding
your quote of Gandhi on forgiveness, he also said this: “All
compromise is based on give and take, but there can be no give
and take on fundamentals. Any compromise on mere fundamentals
is a surrender. For it is all give and no take."
Those who would abolish the First Amendment are hard at work. On of them must not have approved of my Gandhi quote...!
Love,
Cara
Yes, I did 'ask for it,' and I am glad that I did. For the record, there are a lot of us out here who are taking all necessary measures to avoid the series of micro-strokes these days. I do understand the feelings that come up from the fetid waters of the political cesspool. The challenge, (but one of them) is that each of us take responsibility for our response by contacting our senators, reps, etc and tell them clearly what we want, expect, and will remember about their representing our needs and desires, or not remembering them. Without clear and strong feedback, we only set ourselves up for high blood pressure and a lot of internal poison we don't need flooding our systems! But then, you being you, I am sure you have made those phone calls, and are continuing until our Voice gets heard in a way that resolution wins out.
Loving your sentiment, and the link. Makes my day!
hugs your way, and a scoop of gratitude, besides,
Cara
I was held hostage this week. I'm not sure if it was a bacteria or a virus. Regardless, it was effectively distracting. I usually blame such lapses in my immune system on the onset of a bad attitude.
Yup! I had a bad attitude last weekend, but it wasn't my fault. I had at least looked at a map and knew we were going the long way.
Ok, my choices have me living were I am not yet able to effectively use the local language. It was my choice to turn myself over to the pilot and navigator (my wife).
An ole' buddy once advised me, as our ice-cream cones melted over his tailgate, that every choice we make effects a result. Some choices reward us. Some require adjustments, compensation, or even reparation. He suggested that a wise person would comprehensively consider the ramifications of their actions and then explained that thinking was a choice – not just a choice, but also a primary responsibility.
Yeh! It's pretty easy to project the responsibility for the parts of my life on to others. Well, only as long as my self-deception and denial endure. Once honesty gets a toehold it gets more difficult.
............fanned............
Forgive my delay! So much has been on my plate. But, that said, I missed you, and here you are. Blessings, blessings.
Your comment, (paragr 1) has me in stitches. Oh, I do love a dry sense of humor!
All that said, your comment about responsibility couldn't be closer to the Truth if it were sitting on it. My dear, we need to take to heart your words, for not taking ownership is messing up more than the tailgate, and is calling in a mighty reckoning. Oh, those toeholds can be a nasty business.
I adore you, Gems. How grateful I am that you are here,
Cara
If truth be told, my back and I are challenged this morning, so I've got some ice well-placed there, and contemplating the message. It's clear. 'Put your feet up and chill!' The body is an amazing messenger, never blaming, always telling the truth, even if hard to hear, don't you think?
I'm loving this quote of yours. Would you mind passing along the source of that ancient text? It would be good to know.
Let me know more about you, as its been some time, and I am always interested in your unfolding.
Love,
Cara
http://eawc.evansville.edu/anthology/dhammapada.htm
Cara
Re your “no 'me' and "no one else out there--the truth that we are 'one'." This offers a third choice: to remember that life is to be lived with 'reason' subordinate to Eros, i.e., to live is to dance. This solution eliminates the false problem that there is an ego to be protected (narcissism = rationalization by mind) or that some ‘other’ has harmed me and must be forgiven—this is still a duality, a separateness :(
Kopp, in Mirror... illustrates this with the difference between code law (mandatory sentencing; Ten Commandments, etc.) and common law--the judge uses his common sense. In code law, rigid reason prevails over outbursts of Eros labeled as crime. In common law, Eros trumps reason and the judge says, 'kids will be kids'. In Greek Idealism, reason predominates over Nature (the soul over the hated/denied body), while 'realization' (Zen) is feeling that we are all one—Eros aided by reason. Reason was originally ‘designed’ only as a feedback mechanism to Eros, such as a parent saying, 'You can ride your bike with the wind blowing your hair (Eros), but in my experience a helmet is better because....
That's no doubt true of all the difficult problems that you mention. Phone-tapping, on the other hand, is something a person can choose NOT to do overnight. Just like that. It's easy not to tap phones.
The phone tapping seems to me a massive effort to avoid the overalls. But, then, cheating always does. You, on the other hand, are no slacker.
Let me know how you are, if you will?
Meanwhile, love your way, Diogenes,
Cara
"Unfortunately" that's not always the case. Sometimes there's a real chance to see the truth and be set free by it.
Problem is it might then take a while until we recover from the experience. Nobody ever claimed that being free is easy. Doable at best.
There has been a multi-decade long effort to rewrite the foundations of what we can know about cooperation, summarized in this nice talk, for example:
http://tutor2u.net/blog/index.php/economics/comments/super-cooperators-and-game-theory/
Yet, people feel unsafe about growing beyond their early conditioning and insist on all the false benefits of unconditional "tough-minded" -ness. And it's even worse. Even when people like Nowak or Obama suggest (in very different ways) that cooperation is necessary even to ensure the possibility of going on as we would like to, their actions and proposals will be met with utmost skepticism and even sabotage.
I guess for some it's really better to live in a tabloid universe. And maybe there will be a lot of grief for them when Murdoch's bubble implodes.
years ago a spiritual teacher taught me "response-ability". taking it like that its not so painful to get your head going in the right direction. i have all sorts of little mental helpers. to many times it is easy to see responsibility as a mental or physical burden burden, a unwanted task to preform. we forget the empowerment of that word. i wonder how much it is see like this from a misuse of the word by parents and teachers. they use it only when something considered only unpleasant needs to occur. instead of saying you have the ability to change this negative situation, you have the ability to respond, thats why we call it response-ability. we can be speaking to empower, not burden. of course this is easier said than done and no one gets a A+ all the time. but at least moving in the right direction gives comfort too, knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel has had me willing to trugde thru the mud more than once.
i have also noticed blame goes along as a way to shame people. therefore distancing ourselves from the very ideas we could be involved in anything so awful, projection complete, so is it that down deep we do understand we project? and continue on with the distancing in order to emotionally protect ourselves?
When the word is used in the way you describe by authorities, I am always struck by the sense of heaviness, of weight, around it. Whereas, in the response-ability sense, there is a lightness of Spirit, something possible, and, as you say, empowering.
The irony is that when we distance ourselves for protection, it can end up creating a self-imposed isolation. I guess the trick is, (as you have mastered) to discern when to protect in order to heal, and when to draw closer in order to heal.
For ALL that you have written me, I am grateful.
How are you doing this week?
Love,
Cara
my rescue work for animals is going well, we are seeing so many animals getting good homes now. our ability to raise funds for medical treatment is up, but seeing new trends that are extremely disturbing so i may shift my focus a bit. i just started a page as a support group for animal activists. more on that when i get back from olympia. yea i am heading for the pac nw for a week. my sis in law lives there so we are going to celebrate our birthdays together.
ive got to find and dust off my old yaya hat and put a plastic chicken on it. :)
xxxxxxx
Here's another one that I've misunderstood for too long. Love-able. If someone didn't treat me with love, or didn't love me it meant that I was unloveable. If I show another love, and that love is rejected, it doesn't mean I'm unlovable. I'm always love-able, even to those who can't or won't return it. I always have that ability in me, like everyone else. Another can't take that away from me, unless I let them.
oh i love that!!! thank you for sharing this. my mind never thought of that. why ? who knows! wise words i can take to the bank!!!
xxxxxx
Happy Friday,
Cara
I may not know if something is right and in that confusion may look to blame. Here I can deliberate until that emotion subsides.
Bravo on that choice we each have which you point out so clearly: taking that 'pause that refreshes,' i.e. letting time assist in the emotion of the moment to wash through surely would improve every situation. Only then can the Deepest Wisdom arise in the Stillness and the space, which never fails to guide us in the healing direction.
You are making a difference, and I am grateful, as always to you for the contribution that you are.
Cara
Oh yes Cara, the blame game and the power of money and the greed ...and how easily people can be bought. I do not want to go on with Murdoch and his cronies and how many he has in his pocket, that would fill the pages and this in not that kind of thread....All the game shows, find the money, easy money, Oprah giving away cars and houses and trips and how we drool on it...ugh..how about earning and working for it....
This is what I think, when adult, one is responsible for their own actions, blaming someone else is easy but never works.. Hugs and much love to you....Gypsy
Something is so compelling about the image you paint here, the 'drooling' on the give-aways. Oh, how true, how true. It is an enormous statement about our culture. No wonder people who step up and really roll up their sleeves to awaken and contribute from the Truth of who they are, without the Blame Game, shine so brightly in the Darkness.
May this day be tender and kind to your heart,
Cara
"Thank you, Dr. Cara, for all you said to me, for you post and comments. You hardly know me so I take it if you love my heart that's a reflection of yours, I'm grateful for more than one reminder you gave. Dear gypsy said you like poems, so here's a bit to reflect the dancing (by Emily Dickinson)Â:"
I cannot dance upon my Toes—
No Man instructed me—
But oftentimesÂ, among my mind,
A Glee possesseth me,
That had I Ballet knowledge—
Would put itself abroad
In Pirouette to blanch a Troupe—
Or lay a Prima, mad,
And though I had no Gown of Gauze—
No Ringlet, to my Hair,
Nor hopped to Audiences—Âlike Birds,
One Claw upon the Air,
Nor tossed my shape in Eider Balls,
Nor rolled on wheels of snow
Till I was out of sight, in sound,
The House encore me so—
Nor any know I know the Art
I mention—eaÂsy—Here—
Nor any Placard boast me—
It's full as Opera—
Love.......Gypsy
My heart is so full of joy hearing from you! It has been a long, long time. You know, so often you 'show up' in my meditation, and I am grateful. How are you, my dear? So many miles away, yet always in my heart,
Cara
Self-forgiveness is all. It seems to me as though we have this "fear" gene operating which compromises me - and I suspect many Human B's - in all kinds of ways. I love the examples you give here, which make it so clear.
Imagine when we are actually able to teach, train and educate ourselves around this most human of characteristics. This is truly world transformational gold. I see in the face of Rupert (my imagination) the fear and sadness that underpinned some of his perhaps more questionable life choices.
I am still discovering the fear that has limited me in my life so far. I am making a game - because I like to play - of transforming those fears with the truths of who I am and have to express.
This may come under the Wealth School curriculum! Time will tell, and if so, then I will - tell that is.
Love and blessings and appreciation to you as always,
Anne
My sister, I know all about those comments slipping away. MacGregor wants to know about it when this happens, so maybe an e-mail? There seem to be some remaining glitches...
I agree with you on many levels, and this includes the Self-forgiveness necessity, and starting point. As for the vision you lay out, count me in. This is exactly what we need: to reframe our old way of seeing ourselves in the world, and reconstructing. It is never too late. Hence, your game, and the Wealth School curriculum is right on schedule. You are such a contribution, Anne, to the Work, and I know you know what I mean by capitalizing the Work!
Love and gratitude to you,
Cara
I thought I'd jump in and let you know I'll be emailing you, Anne, about the comment problem. Indeed I do need to know about the errors so we can work out the kinks.
Thanks.
There’s always a time when being human pops up and kicks you in the butt….
Hope’s towel story was poignant to me. As accepting as I am of the variations and differences in life, I have a problem with inconsiderate people. I tell myself they have the right to cell yell, party loud next to my wife and I on our anniversary, share bass reverberations for 500 ft., locate kid’s swing sets as close to my house as possible, support what serves only them over common good, deny healthcare to 50 million, get re-elected on a lie, bully because they can, forget about the less fortunate, et al.
I know - not being as understanding as I should be; I am working on forgiving myself for my angst and anger… it’s hard. My wife says I walk in the middle of the road, seeing life more in shades of gray than the black and white. Maybe like “hope4better117â€, I have changed… mellowed… yet there is still the rub with which to contend. How does that reflect on me?
The good news: Your words remind me of the path to walk and attitude to adopt, while Hillel and Gandhi point out the first step; not just in this process, but in most. First attend to yourself by building your strengths and forgiving your weaknesses… make yourself the best for you, so you can be the best for others.
Missed you!
Lawson
You are a great dawn for my day, I assure you. Yes, there is that human thing, isn't there? Just thinking about your words is helpful when I look ahead at the stories that present themselves today.
You are laying out, Lawson, the condition of our times. The way I see it is that mellowing is quite an accomplishment when we open our eyes and ears to what is happening, untold amounts of cruelty, indifference, swaggering, grabbing, to name but a few. So, if and when we can recenter, relocate the heart and soul of who we are in even this, well, then, this is a mighty courageous act, and a redemptive one, not only for us, but for all whose paths we cross, whether we know them or not.
I send you and your bride a belated, but heartfelt congrats on your anniversary. Know that your journey together, the love you share uplifts my heart. Perhaps, in the end, it is the simple, human stories we share of doing our best to do better that brings us all 'home' to that field beyond right and wrong, where Rumi suggests,we meet him there.
I missed you too,my friend!
Love,
Cara