The Lost Girls: When Does 'Me' Become 'We'?

With all the news of global challenges lately, you might have missed one story that's been taking place in the Pacific Northwest. No, I am not referring to the battering we've gotten from the four atypical snowstorms in the Greater Seattle area. Nor am I referencing the natural disaster our governor has declared, due to flooding from torrential rains in combo with melting snow.

There is another sort of challenge to be faced. This particular story involves the murder of a baby in a small town by the name of Port Orchard, Washington, just a few days ago. The remains of this newborn were found in the garbage. Apparently, the baby's 16 year old mother has been charged with homicide, dumping her neonatal infant into a dumpster's trash, which was then sent to a compactor. The investigators found the baby's body after combing through the debris of 60 tons of compacted refuse. Unspeakably horrid.

Buried, Silent Cries
If you missed the story, it's not surprising. The news has been jammed with stories of ongoing disasters, including those in the Gaza strip, leaving over 700 dead. Meanwhile, the toll mounts in other war-torn parts of the Middle East. And, we must not forget the ongoing, alarming levels of warnings over the economy, as well as distractions from politicians like the governor of Illinois. There has also been extensive coverage on the new battleship launched with George H.W. Bush. We are obsessed with war.

With this in the limelight, it is all-too-easy to overlook one baby's death. Such an oversight, however, would speak to the sort of crimes against humanity that get hidden underneath the consequences of that lust for power that always seems to get our world in trouble. But if we turn away from the silent cries of one lost baby, if we tell ourselves the story that 'there is nothing we can do' then we turn away from all that is good, decent, and meaningful in our time here on Planet Earth. As long as we continue to focus on 'me' issues, we fail in our most fundamental task of this millennium: to find a way of becoming 'we' in ways which build a better world.

The Truth of the Matter
We are here to make a difference. We are here to bear Witness. We are here to live on purpose with what holds most central value to our individual hearts. We are here to live out greatness, to create beauty out of darkness, to remember that when one creature suffers, we are either part of the problem or the solution. We are here to do better and we know it.

Up to Now
When a child is murdered by its mother, the media focuses on the individual accused, while flashing footage on makeshift memorials composed of teddy bears, flowers, candles and hand-scrawled notes. Something deep inside us urges these ofrendas, these altars commemorating the fact that a life was prematurely snuffed out. We ruminate on the unlived life. We speculate as to motive. We feel sad. We know there is a deeper story going on, yet we fail to find it.

There is another level of such an act that goes unspoken, unaddressed. Based on results, our society itself is not without culpability. What I know with certainty is this. Whenever a mother kills her own, she is unconscious of other options. Such acts, assuming they do not stem from a psychosis, are born from silent desperation.

This is true throughout nature. I recall a time some years ago when this was demonstrated for me in an eery way. One morning before dawn in Arizona, I was walking along one of those man-made lakes. In the center of which I heard the sound of a duckling who was suffering. Its mother, and her brood, came over to the baby, who, apparently, had gotten caught in an old fishing line. Nudging the line with her wing, the mother could not extract the hook from her baby. To my shock, she then turned her back on this duckling, and swam off into the distance, leaving her baby to perish. If the hook didn't do him in, the waiting crows would. At first, I was in disbelief. Yet, soon I realized she did what was instinctual: she must save her other children.

Now, you might be asking yourself, what is the relationship to human situations of baby killing? All I am saying is that nature is nature. Everything rides on perception. If a mother, human or not, believes she has no other options, she will do what she will to save her life, and that of those around her, even if it means sacrificing the innocent lamb. Of course, this does not excuse the act. What I am saying is that somehow perpetrators, like this teenage mother, do not comprehend any feasible way out of their desperation, and they turn to desperate acts. Even when the community offers a 'newborn' drop-off option, as we do in Washington State, somehow this message is not heard. And this does not even begin to address situations like that of the Anthony case.

How is it that a young woman comes to such a terrible state of mind? Why is it that we, of this society, fail to hear such silent cries for help? What is it that keeps us from registering the symptoms of these lost girls? What could possibly be more important than extending our own hand, not in judgment, but as an offering of help and hope so that babies do not come to ends like this? Because whether these girls are in our family or not, such lost girls belong to us. They birth our future, or our demise, and we co-parent the result through our attentiveness or our indifference.

The tragic thing is that this is neither the first, nor will it be the last time we hear breaking news of another lost innocent, at the hands of a parent. In the meantime, my question is this: How can you and I get better at hearing the silent cries of our youth before another life is lost? What must we do to get better, as individuals, and as a people, to let go our attitude 'it's not my problem'? Who is willing to first convert their focus from 'me' living' to 'we'? What will it take? What do you believe causes this deadly condition, where a mother feels so helpless and hopeless? I know my maternal grandmother must have struggled with her own unwanted pregnancy that was to become my mother, causing them to immigrate to the United States. I know I would not have the blessing of my daughter, had her own birthmother not found an adoption option, and the courage to pursue it. So, I am asking you: What can we do to turn the compost of this lost child into new life for those at risk in the future?

Please respond with your thoughts, feelings and experience. What are the stories of Lost Girls you have known? What might have helped? The era we are entering requires our working together. With your help, in my January columns, I will take on the issue of Voice: finding it, lifting it, and reclaiming it for a Greater Good. It is time.

Comments

[KarBear]

Thank you Cara, for this most important column. I submitted my first blog today (Kari Henley) and am amazed at the power of this destination for writers and comments alike.
Recently in our town here in CT, a mother experienced the loss of the voice of her son; he was 15 years old, had a twin sister, played in 3 sports and seemed fine. Except the other boys at school didn't think he was fine and harassed him regularly. Many knew he was a little odd, but fine. One day, after another round of punishing bullying, he quietly came home, got out a rope, and hung himself. It was 3 days before Christmas. His mother had no idea anything was wrong at school, or that he was even troubled.

Our town went into collective shock and mourning. How could this happen? Mothers who didn't even know the family were thrown into the depths of fear and despair. They clung to their own children; terrified of all they don't know about their own offspring's inner life,and the voices never shared.

I agree with you about finding our voices... We are planning to have a day in our town for those called, to find their voices, to talk about it, grieve and get to work.
Our boys need their voices too, and not another should be wasted.
Kari Henley

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Kari,

Bless you for your sharing, and your insight. The sad thing is that every community, if it is willing to tell the truth, has its own dark corners like the one you just described. Right before opening this site, I received a message from a neighbor about a young man who shot himself today in another city. He, too, had been bullied. The whole thing is underscoring my resolve about exploring the role of Voice, lost and found, as it pertains to the Heroic Journey.

Let me know what I can do for you and your community. In the meantime, it might be helpful to phone Sounds True in Boulder right away. Ask for the owner, Tami Simon. Some time back I did a piece called "Grieving the Loss of a Child." If you order it pronto, this, (especially the second part) will give a framework for what is before you all.

Kari, I look forward to you joining us.

With loving appreciation for your Light shining brightly,
Cara

[joie-de-vivre]

And what of the "lost" children -- "lost" in the way of estrangement from family members, fathers, mothers, brothers...separated from those who love them, and in many ways separated from themselves -- who are now grown? What about unresolved arguments, broken relationships within family systems that continue for years, even throughout a lifetime?

What about personal accountability in all our relationships...forgiveness, honoring the Heart in everyone? What about LOVE?

If only "we", as individuals, would accept fully, wholeheartedly, the charge of honor and love bestowed upon us in every person we meet...accept accountability for what we create in our relationships...maybe then the pain would cease and love would prevail.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

No one could have said it better, joie-de-vivre. You have challenged me to respond to this vital subject. Let me see what I can do over the next weeks. Please stay in touch. Let's be in partnership in this adventure. There are not only our Lost Children, but so many Lost Parents, as well.

May your life be blessed with that "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, I once was lost, and now I'm found"...............................

Dr. Cara

[Phoenixfire]

Instead of a family with the love and support of adults, they are suddenly thrust into the role of being the "adult" who is supposed to love and support their own child. They don't truly comprehend the sacrifice that having a child entails, because in many cases nobody sacrificed anything to care for them.

While I may not agree with a teen mother"s decision to kill her baby, I do understand it. They are frightened and desperate. Many teen mothers do not have the resources, emotional, financial, or in maturity, to care for a baby. You can tell them repeatedly via any method you want that they are not alone, and that there are options, but if there is not a physical person in front of them that they truly have access to and trust, it falls on deaf ears. Make no mistake either, their pain is profound.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Yes, words only go so far. Your sentiments ring so true. Lost Girls, Found Girls, Lost Boys and Found Boys, nothing substitutes for the real Presence of someone who not only cares via soft support, but someone who knows how to propose resources, options, and demonstrates what it is like to move forward from adversity.

Good for you. Your compassion is palpable, your perspective clear.

I am so grateful for what you have shared.

Dr. Cara

[Phoenixfire]

Well......where to start? I am a Psychology major and work in a shelter for children. Our purpose is to care for children who have been removed from their homes for various reasons (usually abuse or neglect), children who are coming out of juvenile detention for non-violent offenses, and runaways. We also take in children for "time outs", when kids and their parents are having difficulty getting along and need some time apart before they (hopefully) start working on their issues in counseling.

I can tell you from first hand experience that there are millions of lost children in this country. They have little support, feel nobody understands them or what they are experiencing, and most of all, abandoned and unloved. Many of the girls I have seen who are pregnant, or already have a baby, were looking for love and attention from somebody, anybody. Some are fully aware that they were running the risk of becoming pregnant, and do so thinking that a baby will love them as no one else has. Some think the father of their baby will love and support them, that they will have the family they so desperately want and need. Unfortunately, it isn't the right kind of family.

[Phoenixfire]

Instead of a family with the love and support of adults, they are suddenly thrust into the role of being the "adult" who is supposed to love and support their own child. They don't truly comprehend the sacrifice that having a child entails, because in many cases nobody sacrificed anything to care for them.

While I may not agree with a teen mother"s decision to kill her baby, I do understand it. They are frightened and desperate. Many teen mothers do not have the resources, emotional, financial, or in maturity, to care for a baby. You can tell them repeatedly via any method you want that they are not alone, and that there are options, but if there is not a physical person in front of them that they truly have access to and trust, it falls on deaf ears. Make no mistake either, their pain is profound.

[Phoenixfire]

The boys are just as vulnerable as the girls. They may put up a front that says otherwise, but they too are looking for the same love and support, again from anyone they can find. When teen fathers are confronted with parental responsibilities, they are just as panic stricken as the girls are. They just happen to be the one who doesn't have to carry the baby inside them for nine months. Perhaps that makes it less real for them, and thus, easier for them to walk away. In my experience, though, many of them are troubled kids who end up incarcerated because of their behavior issues and the baby is born during that time, or they end up incarcerated soon after the baby arrives.

Of course, this doesn"t apply to all situations. There are some instances where the kids do have loving, supportive families. However, I think that if you conducted a study, you would find that those are rarely the kids who end up in situations where they have killed their baby. My experience tells me that the girls who end up doing this come from very dysfunctional homes. They either feel that there are very high expectations they have to live up to, or are in horrible circumstances most people can"t imagine. Either way, they see no other alternatives.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Please know, Phoenixfire, that our field of mental health needs many, many more people like you in practice. From your generous way of looking at the human condition, I sense that you are truly Called to the work. Do what you are doing: stay with your experience. The theoretical in school only goes so far. You are getting the empirical in the trenches.

I must tell you that what you write not only matches my experience, but my daughter's, as well, who works with the marginalized. This 'next generation, with people like yourselves, should give us all real hope.

Blessings your way,
Dr. Cara

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Cara, This is a sensitive area for me as my mother died 5 days after I was born. When I hear about children being mistreated or killed it is unimaginable and so very sad. Children are suppose to out live their parents so we grow up with believing.

Children are innocence and pure. I can only hold them all in my heart.

Peacefully,

Ed

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Ed,
I cannot imagine how the death of your mama, so early in your life, (at least this go-round), must have been for you as a newborn. (I say 'this go-round' because your words, and Deb's, too, strike me as really old wise souls speaking.)

What is easy to imagine, however, is how proud your mother would be of the man you've become. I believe you have taken your adversity and transformed yourself and it into significant contribution. What a blessing it is to share this world with you.

Yes, we share something else. Our children, all, require our heart.

With love and gratitude to you both,
Cara

[jnutlfam2]

It is unfortunate that only a few seem to figure that this life is about "us" and "we", not "me" or "i". Individually, "I' gets so lonely and despondent, not being able to see beyond the immediate problem, that could be resolved if "we" pooled together. Result, hope dims, and lives are lost. Not to sound religious, but I seem to recall God looked at Israel as one people, if one messed up, they all were punished, until they realized they were to look after one another, "brother's keeper" so to speak. I also recall when we went to war during WWII we went as a nation to combat what we considered an injustice. We went as one. I think that is the last time we've done that and felt good about "us". Sad.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

I'm with you. It is unfortunate, indeed that it seems to be so challenging to get to 'we'-ness. It is my experience that there is nothing that cannot be solved if we work together, or, as you put it so well, 'pooled together.'

What if we became an 'army' for peace, for pooling together, not only here, but abroad. For we are not only our 'brother's keeper,' and 'sister's keeper,' we are charged with being 'Planet Keepers.'

Keep speaking up, jnutlfam2. You have much to say. Bravo.
Dr. Cara

[ndngrrl71]

Empowering young girls is the answer. I'm 37 now and during my high school years I watched cousins and friends get pregnant. I'm American Indian and so the teen pregnancy rate is high. Fortunately I had a mother who not only empowered me but scolded me forcefully for wanting to be like the other girls. Today I have a son who is 7 while my cousins and friends have 18 years olds and I'm watching them live the same lives as their parents. I am by no means the perfect parent but I am truthful with my child about life and what it has to offer. Individuals have to live with the choices they make in life so think before you act; understand your options before you decide. Children are never too young to learn to live life that way. Empowering young girls is what I believe the answer to be especially for those living in poverty like conditions; the same as me.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Yes, empowerment is 'where it is at!' It sounds like your mother needs to be cloned. What a fine job she did in raising you. Tough love is much more difficult than soft. It sounds like she gave both. Your son is blessed, as well, with your way of mothering.

I am inspired by your story. Keep on keepin' on. You have the capacity to uplift those in Darkness.

Dr. Cara

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

It has come to my attention that a Lost Girl might be 'listening.' In case this is true, here's my letter.

Dear Lost Girl,
What I want you to know is that you are not alone.
What I want you to know is that this moment does not mark the end of your life, but opens a new chapter. Depending upon what you decide, it is possible to make this your finest chapter yet. You might not believe me. You may be saying, 'Yeh, easy for you to say.' I understand.
I just want you to know that I believe in you. I believe in the possibilities before you. I believe there are plenty of adults 'out there' who are sincere about doing what they can for you. And, I'm not only talking about your baby. I am talking, as well, about your life. The truth is there are people who are not judging you. If we are honest, each of us has been in situtions in which we were not proud, but fearful. If we are honest, each of us has known times of being lost.
Take heart. Spring always follows Winter. Let's take it one day at a time.
You are in my heart.
Dr. Cara

[RKgreen]

I saw this news item when it first occurred and have thought about it often. I think the answer is the most simple yet most complex that we face every day! Individuals of all ages must know that they will be loved, valued and supported even when their choices/actions/results may fall short of their own and others expectations. This is a tall order and so many people's daily lives are filled with just the opposite. Lives need to be reached by professionals who can help. Yet, as individuals I suggest that we take more care and time with each person we encounter during our day. I challenge us all to actually see, hear and appreciate each of these individuals. (More care with ALL contacts: in person, phone, email, blog, letter and just as importantly in the way we think about people)!
When I first heard this young woman's story, it was reported that she was living with her father and several other men. I have not heard this in subsequent reports. At the time, I couldn't help but think she was most likely a victim herself.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear RK,
I had the same questions, myself. I wonder about the circle around this Lost Girl, and what she experienced. I also wondered about the absence in the report of her mother.

As usual, you are raising the bar in terms of our learning. It seems a matter of priorities and clear intention in all our interactions, doesn't it?

Much appreciation your way, RK, for your insightfulness,
Cara

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

The Lost Boys are a whole other chapter. First, I think of the Lost Boys of Sudan: those courageous young men who endured more loss and disappointment than is easy to imagine. And yet, they've walked on, they've done what needed doing. They are entering into a whole new life with bravery.

We have our own Lost Boys. I see them every days: young men who are as confused as young women with who they are. Like our Lost Girls, they feel pressure, they all-too-often lack adults in their lives who find delight in them, who take the time to give them counsel, who spend time with them to hear what needs hearing.

There are Lost Boys who are jerks, of course. There are those who get a girl pregnant, and walk away like a hit-and-run. But there are also those, who have committed such acts, and promise to do better and take responsibility. I know some of them personally. To make a mess is one thing. To clean it up, quite another.

Dr. Cara

[singermuse]

The current teenage pregnancy rate is the highest it's been in many years thanks to "abstinence only" and the religious "wrong".
Young people need support, EDUCATION, and to be encouraged to be self confident, both young girls and boys.
Boys need to be taught to respect girls and women, and girls need to be taught to protect and respect themselves. Until we grow up and make education and contraception (as well as abstinence) we will continue to see these tragedies happen.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Amen. All the points you raise, singermuse, are so important. I think the other factor that is vital, is our sensitivity to these young people, their fears, as well as hopes. Certainly, they need role models, not of perfection, but of real human beings who have been in tight places, and turned their lives around and went on to 'pay it forward.'

Many thanks for your contribution!
Dr. Cara

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Cara,

Your post poses such important questions, to which I have more questions than answers. Whose responsibility is it to educate young people in the value of human life? How do you re-direct social values that carry ambiguity about what is acceptable behaviour? How do you re-build trust and integrity in a world that seems in some ways to have lost it? Is the "pursuit of happiness" still a valid intent to hold when it may result in the unhappiness of others?

I so agree that it is time to be working together because solutions can be found and distributed that will make a difference. In my view, it is very valuable to be opening the conversation. I appreciate your doing so.

Warm regards,
Anne

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

You have a way, Anne, of opening up the conversation, yourself. Always, I welcome your thoughtful and engaging remarks. Like you, I am sitting more in the questions around this issue, than in the answers. It's good to know I am not alone.

For now, my goal is to reach one heart at a time. In my family, I've always been the 'designated listener,' (no small wonder I became a 'shrink,') and so my tendency to do what I can to be present to each young person with whom I meet. They teach me so much about their world, their distress, their dreams. My sense is that the dialogue begins, then, with the listening.

But then, you are a pro at this, my dear.
In love and Light,
Cara

[Dr. Judith Rich - Huffpost Blogger]

Cara,

Another brilliant piece of writing and yes, one that raises more questions than we have answers for. This problem is staggering! Where does one begin?

And then I read that your goal is to reach out one heart at a time, and the truth is, there's only One Heart out there. And it's all us/ours.

We're all living out here in the Lost and Found. Some of us are lost and some of us are finding ourselves. And maybe all the losing and suffering is necessary in order to ultimately find our way back Home.

The trick is, nobody gets Home until we're all Found. We're out here trying, imperfectly, but still trying, to re-member ourselves. To put together again, the members of who we are.

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

If the soul's agenda is to go through the darkness of being lost before being found, must we not trust that process and follow it? It's critical to have a compassionate listener in our corner, someone to shine the light and illuminate the way, but the Lost One must ultimately take the journey, no matter how many lifetimes it may require.

You do have a way of opening those doorways to the critical questions that need to be examined. Thank you for always holding that space.

Much love,
Judith

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

I was thinking more about what you said, Anne. Here's my question: If you were to write a letter to one of 'our' Lost Girls, what would your let them know?

Think about it. They may be listening.

Love,
Cara

[maddogbitesback]

The lost girls I knew were able to get abortions. They finished their education, married mature men and had children they raised carefully and lovingly, and now have grandchildren who are being raised happily and carefully. You can be sure they taught their children about sex and they were there for their children should they have made the same mistake.
A girl who has no knowledge and is suckered by a teenage boy is not ready for a pregnancy.

This article does not talk about the Lost Boys who did not step forward to help the girl they got pregnant. This article does not refer to the selfrighteous society which does not face the fact that teens are given contradictory lessons - be sexxy and be celibate. They are judged by how they look - it should be "hot" and have a boyfriend even though it means you have to have sex with him to keep him or be the outcaste in school and in the wider world. And they are denied abortion, contraception and knowledge.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you for your sharing, maddogbitesback. It is inspiring to learn about the lost girls you knew, and the upswing in their lives. They sound like they are great examples of our human capacity to turn things around. I suspect they had a great deal of support and inner courage.

Knowledge is key, isn't it? But, I believe that Wisdom is crucial to us, as well. That is, what we learn from our relations, our instincts, our intuition, our experience, our body, our feelings. Years ago I headed Health Education for a school district, as well as a Public Health Department. Our error was to assume that facts only change minds. What we missed was connecting with feelings.

And so, I say 'amen' to your statement about contradictory lessons.

Thank you, thank you.
Dr. Cara