Unplugging: Four Steps to Reconnecting With What Matters

Sitting at Starbuck's on Lake Street, sipping tea, I'm wondering if you've given yourself permission to take a pause today? Or, if not a pause, then at least a 'pause-ette.' It's tricky these days, isn't it? So much to do, so little time.

With some degree of nostalgia, fondly I remember the days before e-mail, the Web, the laptop. The days before those dinosaur computers at the university computer lab when the apparatus filled up an entire room, when collecting data meant schlepping cardboard boxes just to store the output so that you could carry them without spillage all over tarnation. Gone are the days when there were neither voicemail, nor cell phones. If someone was talking solo in a restaurant and no one else was present, there was fairly good assurance that this individual needed some special help. Now, we are bombarded with conversations with people seemingly talking to 'thin air.' You find yourself somehow entangled in their cellular exchange messes with who-knows-who. Just a few days ago on a Los Angeles flight, the 4A was shouting orders to his divorce attorney about the settlement, while 4D let someone named Helene know about her plunging stock and job security sketchiness in Corporation X. No wonder iPods are so popular! They help us at least choose our noise!

Although I readily admit I'm a brontosaurus when it comes to gadgets and technology, and I realize that I reap the benefits of many advances, the truth is that I am well aware of the toll this takes on the human psyche. The ever present sense of surround-sound striving is pretty much everywhere you look. Every day, I see the price tag of living in this unconnected way in my practice. But you don't have to have your own business to bear witness.

Take just now, for instance. Two minutes ago, while on my little rant, I noticed a 30-ish young woman racing by my window, across the street. Like a bat out of hell, her ponytail flying in the wind beneath her red baseball hat, holding a cell to one ear, a Starbuck's cup, in the other, as she zooms down the road in full-tilt sprint. Did I mention that she was steering a stroller with one finger, while balancing her coffee with the same hand? No doubt, she was multi-tasking. True story. You should have seen the expression of terror on her little girl's face. Screaming at the top of her lungs, eyes wide open, her baby clad in pink. "Pinky" looks positively frozen. She's not having fun. Mommy's not exactly within eye range. No contact. No connection. Only speed. No more than four feet away, cars moving at a clip to beat the morning rush hour. Rushing to beat the rush.

Who amongst us cannot understand? I'm afraid it's come to this. Fewer and fewer in number can remember the time when this was not the case. Fewer and fewer remember when the weekends were not about more work, when they were not about a mall, because there was no mall. Fewer remember 'going visiting', or Sunday drives. As a culture, it is highly unlikely that we will be going back to that time anytime soon.

Yet, I cannot help but fantasize when I see young mothers like the one I just described. It seems a 'no-brainer' that babies with such little opportunity for attachment will be showing up in droves for mental health assistance. Believe me, it is happening already. Now, what I am about to say is going to tick off a lot of people. The truth is that the numbers of young people needing extra support is growing to such a degree that we simply cannot get them in for appointments. Too often, pills are given as a substitute for human contact. Not only the 'patient' is taking them, by the way! It does not work. Because as they get older, they move into monumental depression, and in some cases, violence, because no matter how many toys and gadgets they have been given, it does not substitute for what they really want: to be held, honored, seen, heard, touched, taken seriously.

So does mama and papa. The look of parental distress, at seeing unrest, disappointment, and disillusionment in their children could send you to the hills like a screaming meme, for lack of time and practitioners. The children are bereft of their parents' undivided attention. The parents are bereft for a lack of time to simply be with their kids without distraction. One thing I know for certain: we cannot build a better world if we race by our children. They, and we, need ground. They, and we, need time to simply be, to simply remember what is most important, and to simply lay down the burden of what keeps us traveling in warp-speed lanes, and disconnecting from what renews, re-nourishes, regenerates. They, and we, need to unplug from what ails us, and reconnect with what heals us. To do this, however, takes a bit of re-thinking priorities in order to practice four crucial steps to reconnect.

Prescription:

1. Pausette moments: Practice 4 times/day, or more, as needed. Notice what holds fondness for your heart. Just notice. At the end of your day, record. It is no accident that what delights your heart delights your heart. This is good medicine for what ails you.

2. Pause from what burdens you, for at least two minutes. Take a breath. Four deep ones, to be exact. Stand up, stretch, flex your fingers and toes. Four more deep breaths.

3. Re-plug into what replenishes you, what uplifts your Spirit by recalling a favorite scene, memory, scent, song, sound, sensation. Savor it for 90 seconds.

4. Reconnect with what is before you, finding increased compassion for you, and it. Psychologically, 'there is no one else out there.' That young racing woman, as well as her baby, reflects our own race, and our own longing for more. What a beautiful reminder she gives us that multi-tasking is not all it is cracked up to be. Time for tea, anyone?

Comments

[mandalalady]

Pausettes seem possible, spoken by a "world weary woman" here who too often forgets to make a cup of tea and breathe. But I can do 4 deep breaths with a stretch and a 90 second reflection. In fact, I do take these small moments, but generally chastise myself for getting off track, especially when working on a deadline. Thanks for affirming their necessity. I schedule in my meditation and yoga time during the week, but during my actual working day, I go full throttle. Taking a planned pausette rather than a stolen one will help to remind me what it's all about anyway!

[Elfin1]

It is so easy to get caught up in the pressures of life and the demands of work and lose sight of what is most important in life. Thanks for this reminder, Dr. Barker, and for the "permission" to take time to breathe, enjoy a little peace and pleasure, and to pause from the never-ending pressures of life and work. Technology truly is a double-edged sword, at once a connector and a divider. You are quite right that it is interfering with our ability to connect deeply with other people--and with life itself. I hope your message will be read and taken to heart by the many of us who understand the costs of racing through life yet find it so difficult to slow down. All the best to you. I hope we'll be hearing from you again on this site.

[sunshine82]

This is an article everyone should read.

[RKgreen]

You speak to my heart! It seems to me that obsessive plugging in to technology unplugs us from our own internal wisdom and cheats us of opportunities to connect with the very people standing next to us in our busy lives. Thank you for your insight and easy to follow perscription for reconnecting.

[adaline2]

I have been pondering recently about the days when I sat with my grandmother under
a shade tree, snapping beans together. I remember that she was someone whom
I loved immensely just because she took time to spend with me. She invested her
time and wisdom with me and I was forever changed.

My ponderings have left me wondering what kind of grandmother I will be with all of
the distractions that I have in my own life. In hers, she only had an old black-and-white
television, but hardly ever watched it. This article reminds me of what is truly important
to me and compels me to be the same example that my grandmother was to me.

Thank you, Dr. Barker. I would love to sit down with you over a cup of tea!

[blueroses70]

I hear from some friends who work in college and university counseling centers as therapists that there has been a HUGE uptick in the past few years in the number of kids arriving on campus with serious anxiety problems, depression, etc. They can barely keep up with the workload. And the kids freak out if they aren't connected to a computer or a cellphone 24/7. They have no idea how to function without them. There is no such thing as silence in their lives -- maybe that's why they drink so much.

[Dr. Judith Rich - Huffpost Blogger]

Hello dear Cara,

Good to see your writing here! As always, you cut right to the heart of the matter. As a Raisinette, still logged on in the semi-fast lane, learning to slow down and unplugging has become one of the tasks of this season of my life. Notice I use the word "task". That's how it lives for me. Even at this stage, with Medicare card in hand, I find it challenging to get off the wheel and take time for stillness.

So thanks for your poignant reminder to take time for tea parties and I look forward to reading more from you in the weeks to come.

[KillgoreTrout43]

Nice article Dr. Barker. This subject needs addressing many more times in many different venues. What are we all rushing towards? (or maybe away from) Well, I don't rush. My mental health is more important to me than money is, and i really see the benefits of enjoying life while we are in the here and now. What is the expected outcome of all this mad rush to achieve? I think people stay busy to keep from thinking. Thinking about their lives, their family members live's, and the world in general. Materialism is deep at the heart of all these mad dashes through our days. People just feel they have to have more. More of this, more of that, more headaches, more worries, more discontent with what they already have.

He who knows when he has enough, will always have enough. The point at which we can say to ourselves..........Ï am finished for now,"becomes more blurred," with each passing year. Technology advances to0 quickly. And why is this? MARKETING and materialism. People have forgotten the good aspects of life and feel that "things,"will make their lives more complete. I believe the opposite is true.

[MrGerald]

Dr. Cara Barker,

Your article on Unplugging is completely true. Todays society has been programed that urgency is the only way to live. There are so many people missing the wonderful parts of life because they are moving so fast that it just passes them bye. Nobody appreciates time spent with family nor do they cherish this beautiful world GOD has created for us. I hope this article changes the way people live their lives and its read across the nation (especially by our younger generation). I look forward to reading more of your writings.

[RICER]

It's nice to see someone else put into words (far more eloquent than mine) something that has been bothering me for years. Too many people working with great tenacity towards their own demise. I saw my father die of a heart attack while he was only in his 50's, all due to his high stress way of living. I quit a job that was killing me shortly after that and got a job I loved. It payed less, but I enjoyed it more. I also took up painting, which I find is a great way to relax and reflect. I loved your article and hope that everyone who reads it learns to slow down. I also hope that people remember the importance of human contact in our lives. There is assuredly no substitute for that.

[skinchik]

Great article, Dr. Barker!
Would love to see more of your beautiful and insightful work!

[BLEE]

This article surely makes me think of the days before commputers and cell phones and texting and when we made time for casual relaxing activies such as a good book to devour and a knitting project filled an evening, a walk and a talk and meals at the table and maybe even a cake made from scratch. When watching a gorgeous sunset was mesmerizing Yes, Cara I thank you for your thought provoking words that make me realize that life is spinning in a zillion different directions and reading your article reminds me to breathe and stop and smell the roses. Do you have any published books or somewhere else I may see your writing? Thank You BLEE

[brandyb44]

This is all too true. We live in a world where we forget what's really important to us because we're too fixated on material things. I think we all forget about the little things and we forget the importance of being physically connected to people.

Thanks for writing this article and reminding us all to take a step back from the chaos.

[jemb1011]

Great article that gives voice to my own heart-longing for a moment to breathe. I have created a life full of challenge, obligation and meaning-yet find myself at times breathless. Thank you for you wise words to pause. Balance is such a treat! jemb

[kchao]

We"ve heard this before but Dr. Barker gives clear and unsettling examples of our new hyped-up lifestyles and great tips to keep us emotionally healthy. Thanks to her, I took a moment, a deep breath and attempted to look inward if only for just a couple of minutes. As she suggested that little pause gave me a peek into how much better, and clearer, I can be if I just remove myself, even momentarily, from my wired world. I felt more "connected" to myself. And I suspect if I do as she recommends, I"ll be even more connected to those I love, too. Thanks for this article. I hope we see more.
KChao

[JillMarie]

Dr Cara Barker"s message is right on. For thirty years I lived my life around a 40 hour work week, and have recently retired. I think I was addicted to the adrenaline of multi tasking, for the last thirty years. Life is much different today. I own my own business and work my business part time around my life. I am creating a much healthier lifestyle today and am in better shape than I was twenty years ago. It is hard to break the addiction of always on the go. Dr Barker"s prescription is a great reminder of balance, and what is important.
"We all have two choices,
we can make a living or we can design a life."
- Jim Rohn

[Carab]

Dear Jill Marie,
Good for you! When we work so hard to be 'good little citizens' for so many years, it takes a serious leap of faith to trust the imperative of creating ease in the system. Most hard workers, who have been so responsible, are terrified that if they slow down, the world will fall off its axis. Your words inspire me. They touch my heart. I don't know if you have children, but if so, I can well imagine that any son or daughter would be very fortunate. 'They' would be witnessing a mother valuing herself, enhancing her well-being, and being a marvelous role model that 'taking care of business' begins with taking responsibility for our own well-being. Bravo. You 'go girl.'
Blessings your way, Cara