What If You Don't Fit The Mold?

Dogs are dogs. Cats are cats. Monkeys are monkeys. Nurses are nurses. Engineers are engineers. Children are children. Right?

Exceptions to the Rule. Well, maybe. My family's experienced some exceptions. We've had dogs who think they are people in fur suits, at least by their behavior, and cats who lick the noses of our dogs, with some degree of affection. But, let's look at people.

Angela, a 39 year old registered nurse, is beside herself because "I just can't seem to make myself enjoy what I do anymore. My friend says: Don't make waves. Just be happy you've got a paycheck. Somehow, it's not enough anymore, and I don't know why." Meanwhile, Hank feels like he's droning along as an engineer, a position he's held for 18 years, but reports: "I don't know why, but I can't seem to get in the groove. My work is O.K., I suppose, but, try as I might, something feels 'off.'" Then there's Sarah Ruth, a precocious 8 year old, who confides: "I invite everyone to my birthdays, but on the playground I get ditched. What's wrong with me?"

Sarah's question is a good one for those who struggle to 'fit the mold,' yet end up feeling 'on the short end of the stick.' Try as we might to force our square 'peg-ness' into a round hole, the perfect 'hand in glove' experience might elude us. Such is a set-up for frustration and self-doubt. Let's look at what a HP reader wrote me last week:

" ...Your topic of how to get into the flow again is really important for me. I've
spent no amount of small effort trying to 'get with the program,' with my
colleagues, but just feel stuck, like I'm not a good fit for either my profession
or the atmosphere. Probably both. But what do I do? I've spent money and
years becoming a nurse, and just end up feeling stunted. I know my profession
is important, but I feel itchy...like there's something more for me, but what?
I can't see the forest from the trees!" Angela

Our reader, Angela, like Hank and Sarah Ruth just may be torturing themselves with the wrong question. No big surprise, especially when you're female, for research bears out that the feminine species tends to assume self-blame when something goes awry. Hank, and many males, however, are not unfamiliar with boarding this bandwagon. Unfortunately, we tend to look at others, in the majority, for our evaluation. Called an 'external locus of control,' by psychologists, this outer yardstick can be a cruel way to measure what's right for us.

The Good News. In medicine, we are taught that the body has embedded within it a 'self-regulating tendency,' which, when harm comes, automatically swings into gear to bring about a return to homeostasis, repair and growth. According to the Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung, who's famous Red Book comes to bookstores this week, our psyche, also contains a 'self-regulating tendency.' By psyche, we mean 'soul.' Developing an Internal Locus of Control. Consequently, whenever you find yourself in similar shoes as the aforementioned three, consider remembering that something profound may be underway. Your failed attempt to 'fit the mold,' might be indicative of the deepest part of your hidden life pushing for new growth, and expression. Trust it. Outside the box is where new life is waiting. Remember the old injunction: "Don't put new wine in an old wineskin"? Here's a few questions to consider for any needed course correction:

1. Where are you feeling itchy, or, like Sarah Ruth, the 'odd one out'? Sarah Ruth discovered that instead of playing jump-rope with the 'catty girls,' she'd prefer to talk to the librarian about books that have to do with making a doll. "The other girls think I'm stuck-up 'cuz I like the teachers, and I like school. I like to learn, and they think there's something wrong with me. They hate school."

She's asked her grandma for a doll-making book for her birthday next week,
And her grandmother promised to not only get one, but to sew a doll with her.
When Sarah Ruth told me this, she got up and literally skipped around
my consulting room.

2. If you could let go of the experience where you feel 'the wrong fit', and were free, and supported, to place yourself in an atmosphere that energized, and renewed you, what might it be?

Angie told me, nearly in a whisper on the phone, that she'd always wanted to sculpt, but her folks insisted 'you'll never make money at that.' (They are both attorneys.) When I asked her why she would give authority over her heart to others, she seemed surprised. "Well, maybe they're right." "What if," I asked her, "you gave yourself permission to sculpt when you aren't at work?" Angela reported to me this morning that she finished her second class last night and absolutely loves it. "I feel like I'm more like the students in my class than my nurses." What will this mean to her life story? Who knows, except she feels, as she put it, "more spring in my step." I can understand. I left bedside nursing eons ago because something else was Calling me, although its taken decades to refine my understanding of what it really is. We can neither walking in anyone else's moccasins nor clinic shoes!

3. Take an action step. None are too small. Hank's enrolled in a river-rafting
weekend, because he recalled that as a child, when he felt stuck or alone, going to the river used to help him feel at home with himself again. That's the ticket. What's waiting for you may seem strange, unexpected, and perhaps another species from who you've been. Give it a whirl. Happiness just might be on the other side of a too-restrictive a mold! Come out to play, my friend.

 

 

Comments

[huffpostreader10000]

I have never fit the mold ever since I was a kid, and my folks always compared me with other kids and kept telling me I should be more like them. I was stressed out, very very timid, shy, quiet, recluse...­pretty much everything a typical boy isn't supposed to be. My folks are good people, they just didn't realize what they were doing. They were, of course, wanting the best for me. Now in my early thirties I still have those issues and have a hard time connecting with people. I have become very sensitive, easily intimidated, anxious, and keep feeling I'm not good enough. I can't help over-analyzing peoples' comments and just end up stressing myself out. These days everyone is seeking a 'people-person', someone who is sociable, outgoing, etc. My boss keeps telling me to try harder at networking etc, and it stresses me out. Even though I have had these issues for as long as I can remember, I do have accomplishments, am hard working, and highly educated. However, it just seems like things have gotten worse in last couple of years (getting older probably has to do with it). As of now, not fitting the mold doesn't seem very appealing at all.

[Hair ShirT]

I love articles like these. Crave them maybe. Personally I feel today's society want's everyone to conform to a certain roll. From your first social engagements (kindergarten) to our last we are lead to act and behave in a certain matter depending upon your peer groups or family. I have always been that "square peg" and although it does cause some anxiety I believe the world is not as it seems. There are so many ways to view our journey that being odd sometimes enhances our understanding of our journey. Asking "why?" at even the most mundane things can enlighten both yourself and those around you.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

DearHairShirT, You may love articles like this one, but, believe me when I say that I love responses like yours. It is clear to me that you have 'stepped out' into the world as you are. Your doing so makes you one of my favorite sorts of human beings. We are, after all, originals. For me, this is what gives life the pizazz, the contrast, the inspiration. Please keep doing what you are doing, and let me know about your adventures. I will surely be listening and cheering you on!

All good things,
Cara

[GodYesOrNo]

The fact is that the majority of us do not fit the mold. However molds & cookie-cutters are made in an effort to piginohole & catigorize the majority of us so that one set of rules could easily be applied.

The school systems & bussinesses love it since it greatly reduces their costs. All they have to do is to convince us that anything short of fitting-in those molds are abnromal.
You don't want to be abnormal do you? Thought so. You would much better squeeze yourself into that tight dress, shose, off the shelf thoughts or views, molds.
GodYesOrNo.com

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Yes, Godyesorno, your words, so honest. It is certainly easier to predict the behavior of the 'mold-press' folks than those who prefer life out of the box. What is 'normal' after all, save a mean, median, or mode. Let's hear it for what makes us individuals, and support this path for those who feel their lives are too compressed. Thanks for adding to the conversation.

Good things out to you,
Cara

[CaveatMagnusFrater]

Hi GYON,

Since more people are abnormal then are normal, it is normal to be abnormal and abnormal to be normal. So because it is abnormal to be normal, the normal people are abnormal which makes them normal. Therefore everyone is normal because no one is.

this is what I think I think
little brother

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Your humor is so welcome on this Friday!

Thx!

[mamacat]

There is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all mold, only various statistical norms. The question is not whether any specific individual fits the norm, because no one fits the norm in all ways, but how far from the norm are we, and is our degree of not-statis­tically-no­rmalness causing us problems or benefits?

I learned long ago that I did not fit the definition of "normal", and I would not have it any other way. When I see all the seemingly "normal" people who cannot cope and who are miserable, I am happy to not be like them.

If all members of all species stayed too close to the norm, there would never be any evolution, which would mean that there would be no life as we know it. While scientists know that most aberrations are not particularly successful, occasionally straying from the norm provides an improvement of a survival trait which then spreads throughout the specie and becomes the new norm.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

As usual, mamacat, your words are music to my heart. It's so clear that you are anything but a 'mold-girl­.' Bravo. Perhaps this is why it is such a delight not only to hear from you, but to get a clear sense of your authenticity, your 'original details,' y our magnificent Voice. Stay in touch, mamacat. You are 'just what the doctor ordered' to undo the malaise of our times.

Love,
Cara

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Cara,

Your words are music to my ears and soothing balm to my soul. Yes, yes, yes! I so resonate with what you say.

Growing up, I tried to follow my mother's words: Anne, you must conform. But I was not able to and having gone my own way, life has been such a rich adventure. Not necessarily easy, but then whose life is?

I empathize with the square pegs that do not fit into round holes and seem to draw them to me. When I came back from my 6 months as a hippie in India, I had a passion to write my first book. I was described to publishers as the "Female Colin Wilson" - Colin Wilson who had written a book called The Outsider.

There are many blessings for those of us who have to find our own way. Life seems to support us beautifully when we find we do not "conform".

With love to you, Sister!
Anne

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

There's not a time, Anne, when you share when I do not relate. I think your mother and mine must have read the same manuel of the times when they were young mothers. In truth, I believe they were doing their best to help us ward off the injury that comes so often to the 'outsider.­' The problem is that the injury runs even deeper to the core when we do not follow our own very unique paths.

I am so glad you have had the courage to emerge as you are: a kind, beautiful Light that encourages all, including me. Bless you, Anne.

Love,
Cara

[khanti]

You are a warmth and a patience person to be able to deal with children's problem. To be able to listen and care for them but what happened to their parents? They are closer to their own children and spend more time with them do they lack parenting skill? Perhaps you should also teach them how to reach out to their children as well. To listen more to their chlidren and not tell them to be quiet!

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Well, Khanti, how wise you are! No surprise here. Actually, I don't know that it is possible to do real work with children without addressing the issues, and wounds, of the parents. Our unlived lives, as parents, are carried by our children, and burden them until resolved. It is a complex web, for sure. Many thanks for your suggestions and understanding. Your love shines, my dear.

Blessings,
Cara

[lucyskye]

I thought Khanti's post was a little judgmental. Should we assume that all the children you see have ineffectual parents who lack parenting skills? Maybe they just need some support. It is easier to deal with a situation when you are not emotionally invested. We all have issues and wounds, even Jungian analysts.

[3blueeggs]

I can't tell you how many round holes I have tried to fit into in my life. I am doggedly tackle a field of study; it is a curse not a blessing. Failure teaches you something about yourself. Studiousness (and the fear of failure) can block that avenue of self discovery. I am now middle aged and I'm tired of being depressed and unhappy. I create; that's what helps me to like myself and where I find joy. It is not a panacea for all of issues I drag around with me, but it feels like the right hole for a square peg like me.

Different is not synonymous for wrong; I keeping telling myself that. Maybe someday I will completely embrace the sentiment.

[3blueeggs]

typo correction- "I doggedly", delete "am" (I changed the sentence structure and didn't catch it with the selection option)

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

I forgot to tell you that the studio is my favorite incubator for discovering my own truth.

All blessings,
Cara

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear 3blueeggs,

Bless you for writing. Yours is a dilemma that artists, visionaries, mystics, and yes, the purest of children face when confronted with the collective institution of molding us in ways that makes the outer world more comfortable. Do not despair. Yours is a daunting task, but the most worthy of tasks. What you have is priceless: essential meeting with your own heart. I salute you. I count you among my most cherished readers.

Stay tuned. Your remarks have touched me at the deepest level. In the weeks to come, a composition has begun which is seeded with your sharing.

Please let me know how you are, 3blueeggs. You are not alone, I can assure you.

Cara

[3blueeggs]

Thank you and I will stay tuned.

[elmerfude]

It seems like I am constantly in hot water even though my wife has endured for 46 years of marriage. I find myself constantly tilting at windmills and she says I enjoy it too much. For instance recently taking on both religious fundamentalists and atheists on the blogosphere. Now my daughter is worried that my grandson has inherited some of these rebellious traits. She was not encouraged when she found pictures of me as a child being tied to a tree in the front yard and my mom walking around with me on a leash. In mythology there is the trickster -- the coyote. But the coyote is often solitary and so it goes.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear elmerfude,

Your story is very intriguing. Tell me: what's it like to tilt at those windmills? What's the pull? What's the pleasure? I'd love ot hear more. Recall the story of Don Quixote, upon which "Man of La Mancha" was based? It is a story of redemption in it. I have a feeling there may be a redemption here in what you say that hasn't been tapped. Keep tilting. True, it brings hot water, but there is a use for hot water, too. Keep cooking.

All the best,
Cara

[elmerfude]

I can relate to Don. But he was a little touched as I recall. My wife says it is because I am a one on the enneagram. Maybe its a compulsive disorder. I do agree with you that there is a redemptive need involved. It feels like riding a ferris wheel. The book Living in the Borderland by Jerome Bernstein helped me because I could relate to some of the patients he was dealing with.

[Kari Henley - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Cara!
Excellent topic. I have worked with the "pre-tween" girls and have been amazed at how early this subject of fitting a mold strikes. Young girls at age 7-8 years old are struggling with cliques, how they look, how they act and feel left out. I have found when offered a role model of creating a circle of "soul sisters" instead of BFF's- it opens up an entirely new dialogue for them to let down, be themselves, share in their collective angst and trust each other enough to form deep bonds.

I believe this extends to adults too. So many people are surrounded with co-workers or colleagues or acquaintances. They don't fit the mold, because the mold is fake to begin with! I love the direction you have started with this topic and will be curious to see where it evolves!
Kari

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Kari,

It is, as you point out, so, so distressing to see just how early our girls are confronted with this problem. Yours are very, very fortunate to have a mama so aware, and doing all that a mama can do to 'stay real' about what's important. Truly, I do believe you'd be great at giving mommy lessons. You are a star. Keep me posted on more from the pre-tween front.

Love and gratitude to you, my dear,
Cara

[Dr. Judith Rich - Huffpost Blogger]

Cara,

I sure HOPE I don't fit the mold! The only mold I ever want to fit into is the one my soul has carved for me. I think trying to fit into someone else's idea of who we should be is the major reason why most people become inauthentic and feel alienated from themselves. It's a major cause of suffering.

Bravo to those brave souls who break the mold and create their own.

And thank you, dear woman, for always finding the nerve that needs touching. You are masterful!

Much love,
Judith

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Judith, dear,

If there were ever a role model for mold-less-ness you would be on the poster. I'm with you. Why bother when outside the box is so much juicier!

Much love your way, you maverick, you,
Cara

[ejones3]

"YAY" for this. Before I came across in my email that you posted, I read something my uncle sent me called "Letting Go". Basically it says:

"There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, 'they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us.' [1 John 2:19]"

Sarah's words are important, hence the reason that we should listen to children and truly understand the meaning of what they say, because it's the same game that is played as adults.

I decided last week, the reason I've been sick is because I don't fit the mold at my job anymore. So I've made a plan to leave. And yes, I've heard from the "at least you have a paycheck" people, but if I don't let go, I'm not truly living and I'm not here to live for other people. I have to live for myself.

I hope you're doing great!

Ebony

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks so much, Ebony, for your comments, your sharing, and the inclusion from your uncle. Simply stellar. Somethings are just 'eternal returns,' aren't they?

As for your courage, 'wow,' double 'wow.' I have no doubt that new doors will open for you from those with excellent taste. They will be the 'lucky ducks.' And, for listening to the Wisdom of your body: bravo, bravo, bravo.

Love and appreciation,
Cara

[stefanpinto]

When it comes to dreams, living the life we want, how disheartening it must be when 20 years from now we forget why we said "no" and wish we had said "yes."

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Stephanpinto, you've said it all. I have no doubt that 20 years down the road you will have left footprints from many a 'yes.' Sadly, when people come for a first consultation, many, many of them are saddled with regret.

All good, enlivening things your way! Great to hear from you, by the way!

Cara

[Rivercs]

This really struck me.

I am 49, nearly 50. When I was 3 I was given a book on archaeology and from then on forward I have been fascinated by the topic. I was dissuaded from this as a career path by my parents, who said that they would not pay for college if I majored in it because they didn't think I could find work; I wound up dropping out of college. At this point, I'm able to go back but have to start again as a freshman; I'm willing to, and am still fascinated by archaeology, but the problem is that I now have kidney failure and that sort of prevents me from doing things like much fieldwork, which would be required. I am not sure of what to do. It is my first love and still one of my greatest.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

My dear Rivercs,

Go for it, girl!!!!!!­!!!!!!!!!!­!!!! Bravo that you are redirecting yourself back to your passion. For every step you take, you will be amazed at the doors, and helpmates that arrive. I would encourage you to get to know your faculty members personally, showing them how you've always been drawn to the field they love. As a 'returning' student, I think you will find some serious compassion for someone with your devotion.

It's your turn. You will surely have a story to tell the others who hesitate at the doorway to their dreams. You, my dear, are not an excuse-maker, you are a history maker and shaker. Please, please stay in touch and let me know how you are doing: the challenges, triumphs and all. I have a serious love for people who make such a brave turn-around.

Godspeed,
Cara

[BarbP]

Great article and comments..­.. I can especially relate to the issues mentioned by JohnFromCensornati and Diogenes about alienation. How DOES someone who doesn't fit the mold find friends, social connections, other people? I'm struggling to find answers to this one. Seems like the more I find my authentic self and follow my path, the more the rest of the world regards me as a freak. Ouch.

[ejones3]

Hey BarbP,

I've often felt socially awkward because I used to live in a situation where I had to prove myself a fit for the mold. So later in life, I've rebelled and just tried to be the opposite of everyone else which I think went too far to the point that I've isolated myself. So as painful as it's been for me, I've more and more tried to put myself in situations where I am most uncomfortable with the promise that I will continue to be what I define myself to be.

And as much I dread going to those places, I usually end up having a great time and finding the connections that I've desired. Now the tasks has been maintaining those connections and being dedicated to the results and still being true to myself. And also getting myself out of the "I don't want to be the one that has to change" funk.

Ebony

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Great response, Ebony! You are the poster girl of caring.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Be not discouraged, Barb P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am certain, that as time goes on, you will find what I call 'soul kin.' These are your peeps. They are not weird. They, like you, are brave. Believe me, you will have much to share, many 'well dones,' and humor, too. The road you are taking is the one that brings the fruit. Take heart. You are launching your own true life. See why I just love these readers???????????? You are all 'the best.!'

I'm rooting for you, big-time,
Cara

P.S. Come back and let me know how you are doing! I'd love to know.

[tapeatsbill]

Wasn't it the dude in What the Bleep Do We Really Know who said something like..."ma­ny people live boring mundane lives because they never go seek out inspiration, passion and their hearts desire."

You and he are on the same verse. A final thought, one doesn't have to quit their job either just take up some new hobbbies like maybe Toastmasters or ice hockey.

BB

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Yes, yes, yes, Bill, I'm with you. It's funny how easy it is to make our situation all/or nothing, black or white. But there's plenty of room for the inbetween space, and here's where the Mystery works best in getting us back on track, and moving in the direction of true flow and inspiration.

I'm so happy to hear from you, and sending you much appreciation,
Cara

[DiogenesOfAlaska]

Toast!

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Cheers right back 'at cha'!

Cara