Need I say it? Gossip and complaint is not good for our health. Despite this, complaints and rumor mills are having a field day. Here, in the Pacific Northwest, rumors abound regarding the suspected killer, Maurice Clemmons, who was killed hours ago, after gunning down four police in service to our community this past Sunday. On other fronts, Mike Huckabee has become a target for verbal sharp-shooters with their criticisms that he 'should have known.' Meanwhile, Tiger Woods is surrounded in Technicolor speculation and gossip mongering about his own private life after crashing his car into a tree sometime after 2 a.m.near his home. As for President Obama, he is receiving his own 'day in (complaint) court' by Republicans and Democrats following his speech at Westpoint regarding the new Afghanistan strategy for our troops.
The question is what result does criticizing leave in its wake? Since criticizing, complaining, and gossiping are anything but solution-oriented, they bring destruction, not solution. You can always tell a habitual complainer from the rest of the pack because when you ask him 'what's the solution,' he will not have an answer. So much easier to condemn than collaborate in healing the hurt that ails us.
What seduces us into these counterproductive activities with the rest of the herd? The fact is that we are most susceptible when we are "living lives of quiet desperation," as Thoreau put it so well. When we lack a compass, vitality, and purpose, it's easy to get lost. The real problem is that when we do not know where we are going, either as a people, or as individuals, it is much safer to get into commentary about other people's lives and maps than it is to face the anxiety of the unknown. It fills the time.
What's another way? By way of contrast, the lives of our greatest teachers take quite a different direction. Take the Dalai Lama, for example. Exiled from his native Tibet, he moves forward into what is foreign. Walking such an edge leaves little room for meddling in other people's lives. Such a choice leaves neither room for past attachments and comforts, nor courting the anxiety of the not-yet-here. Instead, His Holiness, the Dalai Lama started where he was. He attended the moment. He practiced locating the Stillness in the moment, and has always made his contribution from the discipline of being fully Present, finding compassion from this place. In his words this summer:
...the mind always looks out critically and deals with external events, but rarely bothers about itself. Therefore, we have to give it new instructions. Up to now, you have dealt with what's going on outside; that's well and good, but now the time has come to explore within and find out more about the mind itself. In doing so, we also have to make an effort to restrain the way our thoughts follow memories of the past and speculations about the future. We need to find the space between such thoughts, which like the water deep in the ocean, remains clear and undisturbed even though there may be waves on the surface. This is one way to look at the mind itself; it's not easy, but I think it is worthwhile to try... -- the Dalai Lama in Be the Change
A Time for New Instruction. Today, his words remind us of treasure that's to be gained by returning focus to the inner landscape, rediscovering the Stillness beneath the ripples on the surface of our mind...even during the toughest times of accusation without the benefit of being presumed innocent, until proven guilty. The good news about difficult times like these is that whatever brouhaha is brewing in our lives, it is but another invitation to come home to what really matters in the quiet of the moment. So, if you are a Tiger Woods figure, a super-achiever who's being condemned by jury-less rumor mills, or a 'Mike Huckabee' who's found guilty of not being sufficiently telepathic to change the future, take heart. There is hope. We have choice. We can look to the outer world, hoping to score highest on its fickle applause-o-meter, or we can find what Jesus called:
"...the peace that passes all understanding..."
"...the Truth that sets you free..."
The Three Steps of New Instruction.
Join the21 Day Challenge:
For the next 21 consecutive days, do the following, and enjoy the process. This is the best preparation I know to enjoy the holidays as never before! By practicing these instructions, you will smile more, relax more, and relocate your sense of humor. Your family will like you more. You will enjoy those you know, and do not know even more. New creative inspiration will come your way. You will notice new streams of abundance moving in your direction. Ah, but first, the practice:
1. Every morning and before you go to sleep: Lay down your burden. Breathe in and breathe out, until you find the deepest center of relaxation beneath the ripple of your thoughts, the worries of the day, and the concerns of what someone else might think. As Terry Cole-Whitacre said it years ago: "What you think of me is none of my business!" What does matter is letting all this go, until you arrive at the destination called 'gratitude.' Thank whatever is beyond your ego for another day of life, another opportunity to participate in Creation.
2. Contract with a partner of your choice to participate in this 21 day challenge, someone you'd enjoy checking in with for two minutes a day
so that you can share your report of what you are noticing. This is a crucial step.
3. Over the next 21 days DO NOT Complain, Gossip, Criticize. You
Will be living in a Complaint-free zone. Keep watch. Self-interrupt
When you go forget. Forgive yourself, and start over, this day becoming
Day #1. If you stay true to the process, and forgive yourself as needed,
Be assured the results will warrant your practice. Have a ball.
On those days which are more challenging, cleave to the words of the poet Mary Oliver:
You don't have to be good. You don't need to crawl on your knees through the desert for a hundred miles repenting. All you need to do is love the small furry creature inside yourself...
Let me know how it goes. Let us know what helps you return to a practice of self-forgiveness. What helps you return to your own Center? What have you found helpful when someone else is gossiping/complaining/criticizing/draining life energy? I'm listening! Thanks for passing this along to your crew, your contacts, and your buddies. The more the merrier. Godspeed, Cara
Follow Dr. Cara Barker on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrCaraBarker
When a man has done a woman wrong in the Caribbean, the first words that usually greet him at home are - not by the wronged woman - either "boy, what is wrong with you?" or "I didn't raise you/you weren't raised like that". The "boy" could be 85 or 8, in the Caribbean all males are referred to as "boy".
The question never has an angry undertone and is always asked by the eldest woman in the family group, be it auntie, granny, mother, mother-in-law, cousin etc. The tone says "I am at a complete loss to understand how you could have done..., please explain. And they all know from the corporation head down to the janitor, that reparation is in order, and then some!
That would not be my particular modus operandi but hey, it certainly creates an interesting dynamic. That sucker usually finds himself trying to explain the unexplainable to every woman, friend and acquaintance who demands to know why he's been dipping in foreign waters.
It's put up or shut. Fix it or leave it but don't play with it.
I'm pulling for you, my dear,
Cara
ps. best wishes on your upcoming grandparenthood, truly a blessing!
Oh, I just love the description 'supportive kvetching'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do know what you mean. Sounds like no harm is done with you and your cousin.
Here's the criterion I'm using in my own 21 day Challenge: (1) is this conversation that I'm having a 'whine'? Is there that nasty 'ain't it awful' feeling to it that leaves me feeling depleted? I do think tone is a huge factor. The tone that is linked with victimization leaves our adrenals feeling 'spent,' so is not a good idea. But, there is also the tone that's uplifting: same material, but different attitude.
What you have with your cousin sounds divine.
Hope this answers your question. So, how's about taking the 21 Day Challenge....maybe your cousin would join in, too, just for fun. Wow, you two would be great buddies on it, with so much to share and teach. I'm a willing listener!
Love and joy,
Cara
Thank you for a great suggestion. In today's world, there is a lot of "ain't it awful" going on. Having been raised by two "greatest generation" parents, whining was simply not considered. They had neither the time nor patience for self pity., counting one's blessings was an excercise in the basics. Food in the pantry, a roof, etc..
I admit to a bit of "where did my golden years go?" attitude of late, but that is a reaction to current events. I wil try and emulate my parents and return to what they considered blessings, and what I now take for granted. I will keep you posted.
On the other hand, I have been doing breathing excercises forever, and love them. A breath of fresh air was a good reason to give up smoking.
Your contributions always bring me joy.
Cara
Joy your way,
Cara
the blog is a true gift so ill take the challenge. but to keep from internally complaing ill step up my meditation.
perhaps you can do a blog on communicating difficult issues and or feelings, thoughts without judgement, blame, complaints etc.
i respect your willingness to see new information and change your mind. esp on your own blog!.
bowing gently to doc cara....
Second, why not 'cut yourself some slack?' Rerouting habits, even when they are rerouting unhealthy ones to healthy make the monkey mind screech like crazy. So what? Be good to you. The fact is that the screech can be part of the healing process when the intention is to 'do better' in the self-care department.
Maybe what matters is the 'tone' of complaint. Perhaps we could 'report' our experience without that tone that sometimes escapes our mouth that is a disservice to our intention. By taking the 21 Challenge again myself, I am noticing that witnessing my tone helps convert a would-be complaint into a report. Try this out, and let me know what your experience teaches. I am your willing student.
Wishing you ease in the system, and loads of kindness towards yourself. As for your suggested topic, it is, indeed, a worthy one. Let me have a good chew on it, and see what comes.
Love your way,
Cara
And, much more importantly, as for Huckabee, please investigate his pardons further, including Wayne Dumond and how he leaned on the AR parole board to free him and ignored pleas from Dumond's past victims, as well as how Huckabee helped his own son avoid punishment for kiIIing a stray dog.
Do I wish Metta on Huckabee? Sure. And if he were to cast aside his delusions and live a life of true peace, free from enmity, he would be first to admit he must stay out of politics in the name of public safetly.
You are so right. I did write this piece earlier. This is one of the challenges of writing with the ever-changing news! So, we plug along, doing the best we can. Thankfully, we have readers like yourself who make an essential contribution. Know that I am deeply indebted to you and my other readers.
May peace and joy be yours, despite disappointments. By the way, are you taking the Challenge? I'd love to have you on board. You have so much to offer.
Cara
The Buddha gave the answer to that question. Greed, hatred and delusion. Greed include lust. Delusion include not having a clearer view of things; not seeing things as they are.
I do hope all is well with you. Let me know how you are, my dear.
Joy and blessings,
Cara
May you be well and happy too.
Much Metta.
do let us know you received:
BE THE CHANGE
Ed
joy to Cara for her blog
http://biblicalsalvation.wordpress.com
May peace and blessings be yours during Advent, and in all the seasons to come,
Cara
what a great post. I love the timeliness of your perspectives, twisted up with some earth grounding wisdom
I am going to take the 21 day challenge! Not complaining or gossiping is an excellent journey to discover how often the finger does come out and point.
Including the self-forgiveness is clearly a critical component for it to be successful, as everyone has been known to toss a rock sometime...
I will let you know how it goes!
I have a friend who started a program called, Peer Mentoring, which reminds me of the partnership portion you included. Being seen and supported on a specific task is a wonderful way to deepen any relationship.
I'm so glad you are 'in' with the Challenge. The fact is that I've been having great fun with it, and learning alot, as a bonus. My husband is my partner in it. What fun to share the journey of it all. As you know, I'm a full believer in the 'buddy system.' You, my dear, are one of the very best in doing it. Please let me know what happens for you through the Challenge.
Much love, joy and many blessings to you, and your family, Kari,
Cara
The beautiful thing about our words and thoughts is that they can really energize (or deplete) us. I love the number 1. about laying down those burdens and moving into gratitude. That is so sane-making.
Always looking for and finding the little things to feel grateful for and wonder at is very enriching for me. There is less space for the whinging and complaining. It also makes for good health.
I had a surprising discovery during my recent visit to England. I encountered a lot of happy people. I have known the Brits to be big moaners. Even though it was quite grey and cold and wet, people were friendly and helpful.
Who needs burdens? I am laying mine down, regularly!
With love and blessings to you,
Anne
I love who you are, Anne, and how you contribute from your heart.
Peace, joy and blessings,
Cara
Are you taking the Challenge? Let me know!
Peace and joy,
Cara
Again, it's titled: Be the Change, forward by H.H. Dalai Lama:
by Ed and Deb Shapiro'" and linked to their website so people can get the book: edanddebshapiro.com
Check out their blog tomorrow on our own HP "Living Section." Let me assure you that you will be glad you did!
Love,
Cara
To wit, there's nothing simple about that: it means we need to rewrite the past so that tomorrow we will have the ability and freedom to rewrite the past (which will be today) so that the day after tomorrow we will have the ability and freedom to rewrite the past (which will be tomorrow) ... so that there's always a future.
Point is: only after we have made sure that we can do that at all does it make sense to ask about a 'better' future, let alone one in which everything is as bestest as it could be.
I hope this wasn't too confusing. I think it's basically true, though. It's something like a little yoga concerning sustainability (or if you can live with bigger words: concerning life).
May all good things come your way,
Cara
Love your way,
Cara
You are an essential part of the beauty that abounds.
Peace and blessings,
Cara
If and when I sometimes still anthropomophize God, I picture my grandma. She lived on a farm in Montana with the rocky mountains out her big kitchen window. I can still fee her big bosom hugs, loving smile, and smelling of cookies.
I can still hear her saying, "if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all."
Am taking your challenge.
And, your Montana grandma raised one mighty fine man. (I also appreciate the fact she was from Montana, as my husband grew up there: good stock!)
Bill, your remarks, and the imagery touches me in such a healing way. There are those who prefer to hang out in Complaint City, but I see no solution in that.
Personally, as I will be becoming a grandma in a few weeks, I can use any tips you send my way. Meanwhile, bravo that you are taking the Challenge. Please, please keep me posted.
Love your way,
Cara
Wow, are your comments, and gracious kindness timely. I'm doing what I can to have something special co-created by my birthday near the end of January. Hope you like it, and will 'play' as we celebrate together this life of ours.
Meanwhile, Bro, are you 'in' for the challenge? Let me know. Keep me posted as to what transpired. I'm having real fun with this one, and know you will, too.
Love,
Cara
I'm in. I had to set my mind to it and didn't want to commit until I felt I could do it. This clause: "When you go forget. Forgive yourself, and start over" closed the deal. I'll try not to over use it.
Have fun,
little bro
Love,
Cara