Since every child is different and every parent relates differently to each child, having a favorite is inevitable. But at the suggestion that one child is favored over the others, parents often become defensive. Why?
Favoritism vs. Love
Love is a tender feeling and strong affection that is usually accompanied by loyalty and devotion. Healthy love is unconditional and lasts a lifetime, evolving as people grow and change. For instance, parents express love for their newborns by holding the baby close to their chest -- an inappropriate expression of love as children enter adolescence. Loving parents embrace all of their children and are devoted to their growth, safety, health and wellbeing. In return, they only expect love.
Favoritism, however, is conditioned on children filling a need or void in their parents' lives, or making parents feel good about themselves. The better the child makes the parent feel, the more likely the child will be favored and win the ultimate reward -- confidence and power in knowing that they are the favorite child in their family.
While love lasts a lifetime, favoritism may or may not. Ideally, the status of "favorite child" rotates among children, lasting for only hours, days or months. In other families, however, one child may secure the position of favorite child for a lifetime. For instance, an only child is automatically the favorite and remains that way always.
This parent and child interaction may be unconscious or conscious. For example, when children are born with characteristics that remind a parent of loving grandparents, parents may unconsciously ascribe endearing characteristics to these children. Alternatively, many parents are conscious of preferring cooperative children to a combative sibling. Favorite child status can also be earned, as when a parent delights in a child's achievement. Other times the status is not earned, but is an accident of birth, as when a child is favored because of sex or birth order.
Unconditional love offers children security; it does not earn them special privileges. In contrast, favoritism usually does not offer children security and commonly does earn them special privileges. In exchange for making parents feel good about themselves, favorite children are more likely to get what they want and grow up feeling entitled. Favorite children often are not held accountable for their behaviors and face minimal or inconsistent consequences. The less favoritism rotates among children in families, the more likely favorite children are to grow up feeling the benefits of confidence and the risks of believing that the rules don't apply to them.
Does Favoritism Cause Irreparable Harm?
Sometimes yes, and sometimes no.
For example, in my book, The Favorite Child, I describe a family in which all three daughters were exceptionally bright, but one daughter carried her parents' hope for an MIT scholarship. Other than schoolwork, nothing was expected of this sister. Other siblings were expected to take over her chores, do her laundry, and change her bed sheets. These siblings grew up feeling unfavored and they were filled with resentment and animosity. The favorite sister struggled with unbearable guilt and wanted loving relationships with her sisters. Simultaneously, she lived with the pressure to fulfill her parents' expectations and did not want to disappoint them. In this family, all children psychologically suffered by the enactment of favoritism.
When the favorite child status is rotated among children, all children feel the security of their parents' love and do not feel damaging resentment when siblings are favored. In contrast, like in the example above, when one child is exclusively favored, all children in the family, including the favored, are more vulnerable to psychological injury.
Recently, a group of students at Stanford University debated with parents (not their own) the existence of favoritism in families. The students agreed that favoritism existed in all their families and that they knew instinctively which siblings were favored. But, because the students felt secure in their parents' love, they felt no resentment and easily accepted their family dynamics.
Not Wanting To Be Our Parents
Parents learn about parenting from their own parents. Sometimes they want to replicate how they were brought up and other times they want to parent differently. Either way, the behavior of adult children is grounded in their pasts; their reactions to present experiences are colored by former experiences.
During a recent reading of The Favorite Child, one parent commented that he and his wife tried to treat their children equally, but it was harder to enforce boundaries with their son. This father was concerned that their son was growing up to believe that rules do not apply to him. His wife lashed out, saying: "how dare you accuse me of parenting like my mother?" Apparently, her resentment of her mother's relationship with her brother interfered with her ability to appreciate the truth of her husband's remark.
When adult children are critical of their parents' behaviors, it is often because they fear they are parenting as their parents did. This contributes to their defensiveness and undermining their parenting.
Recently a man wrote me anonymously, sharing that he feels guilty for favoring his son over his daughter. His father had favored his sister and he and his brother "took the heat for anything (she) did that was wrong." As an adult, this man suffered, hating that, like his father, he favored one child.
But, favoring one child, as his father had, does not make him like his father. His father was either unaware or indifferent to the hurt and pain his preferential treatment of his daughter caused his sons. Unlike his father, this man was concerned about the potential negative consequences of favoring one child over another and enlisted his wife's loving support to help him treat both children fairly.
When parents are defensive about favoring one child over others, the dangers of favoritism increase. Unwilling to consider the observations of those we trust is a warning flag signaling possible harm.
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Honey, believe it. It happens. Not every child has been raised with unconditional love, simply because their parent's may not have been raised with unconditional love and worst. People have problems in this world and unfortunately (perhaps from not getting the help needed if even aware of the problem) it passes down from generation to generation. That's good you realize your limits with each child, recognize them each as unique, and still feel good about every one of them. But not every parent is like you. When children are raised at extremes, they eventually parent at extremes - in most cases - not all. Fortunately, you were probably not one of those children as it seems like based on your comment.
this article didnt really address what we can all learn from one another in a family - setting a higher bar - to strengthen the bond between individuals - having true commitment to the real support and love of each family member - encouraging all to be better people - each to rise to his or her potential - the author set a pretty low weak bar - this article is an example of our potential to give into that inner squirlliness -
it takes work to raise that bar - merely admitting whats going on is not enough - that doesnt make you a better parent or sibling - youve got to actually do something to grow - as an individual and as a family -
I think the writer of this article does not know what it's like to live with a favorite child in the family. It's not okay to favor one child over the others. You would not take your children to DQ and get just one of them a treat. But this is typical operating procedure in a family with a favorite child. It may not be quite as blatant as all that....favored child wants a parfait, so the scapegoated child must settle for a cone. And this happens in all areas of family life within this dysfunction of Narcissism.
Favoritism is WRONG, this article was pap.
Favoritism with your children is never okay...they are unable to distinguish and naturally connect it with love. Bad recipe that effects everyone and is lifelong.
So, while I was talking on the phone to the younger daughter, she asked what the older had sent for Mother's Day. When I told her, there was a long pause on the phone line.
"So," she asked. "Who won?"
I think there is always a competition for the parents' love and attention, even when your children are parents themselves. My younger daughter always seemed to need more approval than the older. Maybe she still does.
As for who won. . . . I did, of course.
www.gaynycdad.com
As my kids got older someone told me that they could tell that Tom was my favorite....sometime later, another person said that they could tell that Jack was my favorite....So, I guess they were/are both my very favorite, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
My daughter had a third grade teacher who was magical. Every single child in that classroom thought he (or she) was the teacher's favorite, including my child.
I think my Dad and that teacher had an amazing gift.
'Never look into the past. It's a wilderness of horror.' That was a line from TheWolfman we watched last night and it struck a nerve with me for many reasons regarding my children and my own childhood. If only it was that easy to never look back.
be their parent's "favorite".... favoritism sucks.
You would disagree?
Parents have let their kid rule the roost (that's the king part), teachers daren't punish them, they grow up thinking they can do what they like. In a society where children are treated like gods, having only one child means they become even more self-centered. Now it's the role of parents to control their tendency to want to spoil their only child.
What was obvious was a gender bias by both parents which is less about the worthiness of the child and more about a cultural belief that girls and boys merit different treatment, privileges and degrees of freedom. That didn't go over well with me at all; I grew up wanting to be a boy well into middle school.
yeah, the girly outfits were inconvenient
I don't know if the kids think I have favorite (or had one). They were so different and required whole different sets of skills to raise, so I can see how the one who tested us every chance she got might think the other was the favorite, or the one who didn't need as much attention because she was so easy-going might think the one who was in trouble a lot got all the attention.
I just don't know. But they get along well as adults and we all enjoy each others' company.