Don't "Raise Happy Kids!"

In a very unscientific study of Amazon's book pages, there are at least 13 books being published just in the second half of this year telling me how to raise happy kids. I could make them as happy as French children who apparently raise themselves happily on fresh vegetables and organic cheeses. I can cause happiness by making sure their clothing tags never rub the wrong way. It even turns out that there are secrets to making my baby happy before six weeks of life!

With all due respect to Dr. Harvey Karp, I don't need a book to know how to have the happiest toddler on the block. Heck, you've never met my toddler and you know how to make him the happiest kid on the block! It involves a Snickers bar and Cartoon Network. But if you give him those things, then I don't really want to live with him. And you probably don't want him in your kids' preschool class, do you?

Before you decide that I am heartless and ranting, please understand that I wish happiness for my children. I just don't want them -- or me -- to see their happiness as my responsibility. It's not!

Of course I am ranting (just not heartless). So what's my problem?

1. Have Ricki Lake and Dr. Phil taught us nothing, people? You can't make someone else happy! I don't care if they are babies or teens or adults. When books proclaim that being "the best parent possible" will lead to happy children, they set me up for failure.

2. Isn't it false advertising? If my kids spend their childhoods in a constant state of bliss, they are going to be shocked and betrayed by the sometimes awesome and sometimes awful realities of adulthood. Worse, they are going to be completely unprepared to find or make their own happiness as adults. And that is what I really want for them.

3. Remember the Constitution? I want to give my kids what the founding fathers promised us. Life -- check. Liberty -- well, we're preparing you for that, check back in with me later. Pursuit of happiness -- yes, that is what parents should provide.

God willing, my kids are going to spend many more decades on this earth than the two they will spend under my roof. Making them happy now, and leaving them totally unprepared to find and make their own happiness later is pretty selfish isn't it?

I owe it to my kids to forgo their some of their happiness now, and my own, in order to teach them the respect, responsibility and resilience they need to choose admirable goals and accomplish them.

These books may have excellent information inside. But we are shooting for the wrong target if we measure our success by the happiness of children.

 

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Comments

[Ray Erickson]

10:17 AM on 09/11/2012

How totally right on! In my book, Ten Tips to Tame Your Teen, I stress that it's the parent's job to prepare their children for the world. In fact, the words happy and happiness appear only 6 times in my book (out of 50,000). If your kids are prepared to meet the challenges that life dishes out, then I reckon they will be pretty happy. One life skill is worth a 1000 giggles.

[LifetimeLearner123]

12:34 AM on 08/21/2012

Perhaps Dr. Karp should have named his book "how to make your toddler feel that you care and understand" - because his book was written to help parents understand their toddler and more effectively relate to their toddler's mindset and use positive, trust-building communication techniques. An educated parent using Dr. Karp's techniques will make the child feel understood, validated, and loved. Dr. Karp's approach will not simply make your child - the happiest toddler on the block, better yet, his teachings will increase the likelihood that you will build a positive, trusting relationship with your child that will benefit you and your child throughout your lives.Furthermore, when your child reaches adulthood he or she will be more likely to be a good friend and empathetic person with admirable communication skills. In my opinion, his teachings and advice are much more valuable than short-term toddler happiness. In short, Dr. Karp's book is not all about happiness (if you actually read the book), but clearly the publishers felt that "happiness" will sell books - and they selected the name to sell books. I guess the lesson is - don't judge a book by its title.

[Dr. G]

02:40 PM on 08/21/2012

Lifetime Learner - there are indeed many excellent points in Dr. Karp's book, which I have read. The problem I'm ranting about is not his (or the other authors') suggestions, but the cultural expectation that this plethora of titles reflects, and promotes. I don't want parents to have false expectations of themselves. Thanks for reading, and for your thoughtful comment.