Scandalous -- of course there are bullies! A bully is anyone who is mean to my darling child! Any kid who doesn't invite my child, who teases or mocks or pushes my boy, who turns a shoulder or doesn't answer a question, who chooses to hang out with someone else is a bully, right?
Except, wait a minute. My darling children have done some of those things to others. I'm sure they didn't mean it, of course! After all, nice kids aren't bullies, right? And bullies are mean, contemptible kids who will grow up to be thugs who are never happy, don't you think?
Sorry, no.
Everyone who has ever lived with a child knows that the most wonderful, good-hearted kids can behave in an ugly fashion at times. The idea that kids adopt a social role in elementary school and then live that role every day for the rest of their childhood is both naïve and dangerous.
As Rachel Simmons, author of Odd Girl Out pointed out last year in her Newsweek article "The Nine Most Common Myths About Bullying" social roles flex and change constantly. The vast majority of children and teens will find themselves in each of the three roles in any bullying encounter -- victim, bully, bystander -- on different occasions.
So it's naive to label kids as bullies. Honestly, for a generation of parents who would cut out their own tongues before "labeling" a kid, you'd think this would be easier to avoid!
Why is it dangerous to call someone a bully? Because a bully is a bad kid. A bully is mean, contemptible, to be avoided or shunned. With all the anti-bullying curricula in schools, kids are crystal clear about this -- a bully is the villain. When a child or even a teen hears that she is a bully, she may very well feel stuck. Is this the only role available now? If she's "bad" it can seem impossible to fix.
Further, as a parent I have to argue with anyone who labels my kid as a bully. That is a condemnation. Tell me my child has behaved badly and I can jump in to improve the situation. Call my kid a bully? My knee jerk reaction may land my knee in your groin. Figuratively speaking, of course. Mostly.
Bullies are hard to redeem. Bullying behavior is much easier to change.
Most of our kids will bully someone -- a younger sib, a classmate, even a friend -- this school year. So how can we actually help? Stop calling anyone a bully. Start labeling the behavior instead of the kid.
Bullying behavior can be fixed. Feeling victimized can be stopped. Bystanders can use empathy to show leadership. All of these conversations are easier when adults recognize what kids already know -- almost all kids bully sometimes and almost all kids get bullied on occasion.
Change the conversation!
Take heart. If you completely disagree and you're about to blast me in the comments, you're not a bully! Just don't forget the empathy to limit your potentially bullying behaviors...
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Peter Worthington: How I Bullied the Bully
When I go into classrooms, I ask "Who in here is a bully." Usually no one says they are. Very sadly in one classroom a 7 year old stood up and said "I am a bully". And here we see the comments of adults being taken in by a child and used to create his sense of being. Will he ever see himself differently? Not unless we make some sweeping changes in the perspectives we're currently using to deal with, and talk about bullying issues. I hope we do it in time for him.
I've written a post about Casey Heynis and Richard Gale as well...two CHILDREN. But when adults become involved and start throwing around labels and comments, we are using bully actions as well. Some of the things said on the internet after this situation was publicized were absolutely horrendous. http://kariusandassociates.com/?p=463 In case anyone has the time or desire to have a read. More about our program can be found at http://nosuchthingasabully.com
When I cared for delinquent foster children if hitting erupted both were punished, but I also knew damn well which kids were not provoking. My strategy then, the bullies had to protect that kid from all bullying. Some even became friends.
Bullies do exist and often their attacks are planned even paid for.
I understand why the child shouldn't be labeled - it's like the word stupid or BAD. Once labeled, a child internalizes that as their being instead of being able to identify that was not a smart choice. We try and focus on choices here and label the behavior - which still needs to be clarified that it's the choice not the child that was bad. Great Post - this subject is hot and your insight is not one that has been approached often enough. They don't have to fit the mold - let's break them out!
P.S. I have a MIL that bullies in her own way - maybe I should start labeling that for her too! HA
Labels do long term damage. I spend more time helping young people peel those labels off than teaching my subject - or at least it feels that way sometimes.
Thanks for the breath of fresh air.
I have seven kids --- six boys and a girl. All adults now. But guess which one was the bully.
My daughter was the survivor of a childhood sexual assault --- while in her mother's custody, her mother's boyfriend raped her. It took me a year to get custody of my daughter, but I did, despite being a single dad with a house full of boys.
My sons were tall, easy-going kids. My daughter was an angry little pit bull --- full of rage about what had happened to her. I shared her anger, but I had a house full of kids to supervise and that was my main priority.
Her rage was misdirected at me and her brothers. She acted out --- a lot of back talk. Punching and kicking her brothers. They wanted to hit back. I said, "No. We don't hit women. You have to outsmart her. Figure it out."
The next day, her underwear started disappearing. After 10 days, she complained.
I called a family council meeting.
"Boys, are you stealing your sister's underwear?"
"Yup, Daddy."
"WHY, for God's sake?"
"She keeps hitting us. You told us not to hit her back."
I thought about it. Then I asked, "Will you stop stealing her dadburn underwear if she stops hitting you?"
"Yup."
"Daughter, the decision's yours."
And that's how my daughter stopped hitting her brothers.
Also, please don't misunderstand me. Kids bully. For sure, and often and it can be awful! Children should be held accountable for their behavior, even if they have been through something awful themselves. I just want to change the focus of the conversation to bullying behavior, and away from casting kids into the role of "bully" since they may not find their way out.
But the fact is, there ARE parents who let their kids get away with bullying other kids or are in denial that their little snookums could POSSIBLY be a bully. These are the ones who are threats to others. If the bully child is a threat to other kids, then the only solution is for the adults in charge of the safety of all the kids is to take that child out of the equation. One warning, and then that child doesn't get to participate anymore. Period. I am an advocate of zero tolerance of bullies in society. I'm not concerned about "labels". My concern is protecting the children from bullies.
And I apply that rule in the adult world, as well. If an employee is bullying other workers, then that employee gets one warning and then termination. And if a bully is doing it in society, he gets one warning and then he's prosecuted.
Yeah, it's fine to come up with "creative" solutions, whenever possible. But frankly, most teachers, employers and law enforcement officials don't have the time to try to "understand" bullies. That's the job of the responsible families. I did it with my daughter/ I expect other parents and family members to be able to curb their bullies, too.