Anatomy of a Secret Life

2006 seems like a year of disillusionment. The news headlines are filled with prominent people who have been exposed in a lie. James Frey, Bernard Ebbers, Barry Bonds are just a few whom we gave our trust and admiration only to feel duped. Equally in the headlines are the people who appeared to be one thing...a great husband, a lovely neighbor, an outstanding pillar of their church and community but who later were exposed as murderers and cheats. Many people are left wondering, what is it about this day and age that promotes dishonesty and secrecy?

In researching and writing my book, "Anatomy of a Secret Life" I found that 2006 is really no different from any year of the past. For centuries really, people have kept secrets, have lied to protect themselves or get something they wanted and have even led entirely secret lives. Keeping secrets is a normal and natural part of human development. Secrets can be used to develop independence and separateness in a vital and healthy way. Secrecy is also the currency of intimacy...sharing a secret with a special someone can bring you closer and bind you together. These are the attributes of secrets.

The flip side is that of deceit. Lies are as old as we are. Politicians, spouses and friends all use secrets and deception to gain allegiance while still getting to have and do what they might like. To those of us not in on the secret it often seems as if the secret keeper is getting away with it all. It appears these deceivers are getting to have their cake and eat it too. They get to look like the good guy while satisfying their bad boy desires. Part of my motivation in writing "Anatomy" was to show that while a person may actually "get away with murder" both figuratively and even literally...in all likelihood it is their attempt to keep secrets from themselves that drives both their external secret life and a very real pain and misery on the inside. Don't get me wrong...I am not asking you to weep for the suffering of a cheat, a criminal or a murderer. I am merely suggesting that it is the secrets we keep from ourselves that lead many of us down a road of suffering. Self deception is what motivates the creation of a secret life. Understanding and examining our unconscious secrets can bring relief and can even stop the growing wave of deception that may ultimately lead to behavior that is destructive to ourselves and to others. Ultimately it is each individual's responsibility to investigate their own secrets and understand what they have been keeping under wraps.

Not everyone is willing to put in the effort to unravel their own secrets. Some others don't really have the psychic capacity to do so. So we will continue to "discover" the shocking stories of the seemingly great husband who cold bloodedly killed his wife, the highly respected business mogul who robbed his company blind and the revered and trusted politician who broke the law. This will not, however, be some new disease of this time but rather a recurrent manifestation of the dark and misunderstood side of human nature...of secrets.