THE BLOG
04/27/2013 10:40 am ET Updated Jun 27, 2013

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries: Does Getting Even Pay Off?

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Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries have, at long last, finalized their divorce. Famously married in a lavish ceremony on August 20, 2011 and infamously separated just 72 days later -- the settlement battle dragged on for a grand total of 536 days. Kim is the one who originally initiated the proceedings in October 2011, citing irreconcilable differences. Now that it's finally over, both parties seem relieved to end the ordeal. Humphries even tweeted emphatically on April 18th, "couldn't be happier!" But that wasn't always the case.

While it was widely publicized that Kim insisted on a divorce, Humphries dragged his feet, demanding an annulment. He failed to show up for several court proceedings, and thereby slowed things down. Humphries has always insisted that he was swindled by Kim -- fooled into marriage as part of a publicity stunt masterminded by her family. Consequently, he also reportedly filed for spousal support from Kim to compensate for this betrayal.

You would think that when a marriage clearly goes bad, both people would be eager to get out so they can put a stop to the bad feelings, and get a fresh start with the hope of turning whatever they had just been through into a life lesson. But that is easier said than done. In their case, Kris dug his heels in and demanded squatter's rights. For some people, when they feel cheated and betrayed, the concept of getting even overtakes the need to move on with their life, even at the expense of their own happiness. They want to pay the person back for hurting them. It is their way of making sure that person will be sorry for what they did. For some it is about money, but for most it is simply about getting even and righting where they were wronged.

In my book How Could You Do This To Me? Learning To Trust After Betrayal there is a chapter called "I'll Make You Pay." While doing that might offer some sense of redemption, all it really does is keep that person locked in the past along with all its negativity. Seeking revenge serves only to keep the anger alive. You know what they say, that the best revenge is living well. If that's the case, you will get back at your ex far quicker by easing up and being happy in your new life than you will by showing how you just can't let them go. Doing that is not the same as forgiving, or of saying the other person didn't behave in an inexcusable way.

The real pay-off here is to leave the pain behind, and gain insight into what happened so you can make sure it doesn't ever happen to you again. If you can do that, you will be the real winner.

Please tune in to "Let's Talk Sex" which streams live on HealthyLife.net every last Tuesday of the month at 2 PM EST, 11 AM Pacific. We look forward to listener call-in questions, dealing with relationships, intimacy, family, and friendships, at 1.800.555.5453.

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