Have you read the Wall Street Journal article by Amy Chua, a Chinese-American mother and law professor at Yale? If not, then you probably don't have children. I realize that discussion of this piece has lit up the blogosphere. However, as the author of three parenting books and the father of two girls, I just couldn't resist tossing my two cents into the cyber-well. Chua's story both mesmerized and appalled me. Reading it is like driving past a horrific car accident and wondering whether anyone survived.
To be honest, I'm not sure how much of the article is intended to be Asian stereotype-baiting tongue-in-cheek (Margaret Cho has nothing to worry about), sensation-seeking exaggeration to promote book sales (mission accomplished) or true-to-life parenting advice. A recent article about her posting suggests that the content of Chua's piece was taken out of context, edited and titled without her knowledge -- a distorted portrayal on Chua's book (on which the article is based). Sounds like backpedalling in the face of blistering criticism to me. But whether taken in or out of context, her words are hers and seemingly difficult to misinterpret. So, until I learn otherwise, I'm going to assume that what she wrote accurately reflects how she raised her children.
If you don't have time to read her article, here is the CliffsNotes summary of what Chua hasn't allowed her children to do:
Let me start off by debunking a myth: Not all Asian-American children are intellectually or artistically gifted. Not all go to Ivy League schools, and, believe it or not, not all reach superstardom in their chosen field (law, medicine, computer science or engineering). We just happen to only hear about those who do, thus distorting our perceptions of Asian Americans.
So where do I start in debunking Chua's parenting recommendations? She claims that "nothing is fun until you're good at it." Well, children seem to have a great time being lousy painters, sculptors, soccer players, etc., don't they? And this is true of adults, too... unless all of those golfing duffers are hating life on the links.
Another tip from Chua: "To get good at anything, you have to work, and children on their own never want to work." Personally, I work with all kinds of young people who are incredibly motivated (and intrinsically motivated at that!) to achieve their goals in school, sports and the arts. The difference is that Chua doesn't allow her kids to develop that motivation because, it seems, she doesn't respect or trust them enough to allow them to find their own reasons to achieve. (That's not to say that parents shouldn't push their children, but it should be a secondary motivator.)
Chua: "I told her [daughter Lulu] to stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic [because she didn't think she could play a piano piece]. Jed [her husband] took me aside. He told me to stop insulting Lulu -- which I wasn't even doing, I was just motivating her." Chua continued to threaten and verbally abuse her daughter until, yes, Lulu finally learned the piece. So the ends justified the terrible means? Perhaps if Chua had either broken the piece down into more manageable pieces or give her daughter a break, Lulu might have learned it without the resultant battle scars. Just about all child-development experts and research on self-esteem suggest that insults are incredibly harmful, and shame is not a way to motivate children. How would you feel if the person you love the most said you were worthless?
Chua: That's why the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child. And when Chinese kids do excel, there is plenty of ego-inflating parental praise lavished in the privacy of the home." I guess Chua isn't up on the research on conditional love, or maybe it just doesn't apply to Asian-American children. As I note in my upcoming parenting book, "Your Children Are Listening" (sorry for the shameless plug), children exposed to conditional love are highly self-critical, show strong negative emotions, judge their performances severely and demonstrate less persistence following setbacks. Additionally, children who received conditional love from their parents said that their joy in their successes was short-lived. They also experienced considerable guilt and shame for their shortcomings. In the end, these children resented and disliked their parents.
Chua: "Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything... Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud." That might be true of Asian people with a Confucian sensibility, but there is something strikingly self-serving in all of Chua's efforts with her daughters. I see so many parents in my practice whose own self-esteem is so highly invested in their children's achievements that those successes (or failures) become their own. What a crushing burden for children to bear. When Chua's husband suggests that kids don't owe their parents anything, she responds, "This strikes me as a terrible deal for Western parents." Yes, how decidedly Western -- and terrible -- to help your children develop into strong, confident and caring people!
Chua seems very intent on instilling high self-esteem in her children -- an admirable objective. And, yes, competence is one part of the self-esteem puzzle. But by focusing so maniacally on daughters' accomplishments, she is undermining their self-esteem in several ways. Through her impossible-to-achieve standards, Chua is creating perfectionists who, according to the research, will feel anything but competent. When impossible perfection is the only acceptable measure of competence anything less -- even excellence -- is incompetence. So, despite her daughters' significant current and future achievements, being competent is different from feeling competent. Chua is likely ensuring that her daughters will be successful in their lives. However, the cost of insecurity, self-criticism and the inability to experience true joy and pride in their successes (all likely outcomes, based on the research) is far too high for my parental tastes.
Relatedly, the verbal abuse these children receive from their mother when they "fail" (e.g., get an A-) is likely instilling in them a profound fear of failure. Wouldn't you be terrified of failing if you knew you were going to be yelled at and insulted? Research shows that children with a fear of failure demonstrate low self-esteem, decreased intrinsic motivation, lower grades, cheating, physical complaints, eating disorders, drug abuse, anxiety and depression.
Chua's concern for her daughters' self-esteem omits two other contributors to healthy and resilient self-esteem. First, children need to feel loved by their parents. Though I'm sure Chua loves her daughters as much as the next parent, it appears that she doesn't express that love in healthy ways. Second, children need to feel secure. In contrast, Chua has created a family environment that is not only very insecure, but also downright threatening: "If a Chinese child gets a B -- which would never happen -- there would first be a screaming, hair-tearing explosion." Living with that ticking time bomb of a mother would feel as safe and secure as living in Baghdad.
Chua is so fixated on guaranteeing her daughters' academic and artistic success now that she appears to neglect the other essential contributors that are equally important for later success (and don't forget happiness!). No playdates, sleepovers or friends will certainly interfere with their social development. By using rewards and punishment (mostly the latter, it seems) to motivate her daughters, Chua doesn't allow them to find their own internal motivation to work hard in their achievement activities. By not allowing her daughters to play sports, she is depriving them of gaining the well-documented psychological, emotional, social, and physical benefits of athletic competition. By controlling and deciding on every aspect of her daughters' lives, Chua prevents them from learning to make decisions, see the consequences of their actions and gain ownership of their achievements and their lives.
This is not to say that Chua has it all wrong. I totally agree that many Western parents are far too indulgent and not nearly tough enough on their children. But giving children the freedom to define themselves (with guidance from their parents) is not being indulgent. And being tough doesn't mean being abusive. Yes, parents of all cultures should set high standards and push their children to achieve. Yes, parents need to instill the value of hard work in their children. Yes, parents need to place significant limits on children's exposure to media. Yes, parents must establish reasonable expectations, rules and regulations, based on their values and the kind of people they want their children to become -- I don't mean doctors or lawyers, but value-driven, hard-working, caring people.
In an interview following the publication of her article, Chua states that "the book is about the journey, and that the person at the beginning of the book is different from the person at the end -- that I get my comeuppance and retreat from this very strict Chinese parenting model." That's all well and good, but that epiphany doesn't absolve her of responsibility for her repugnant treatment of her daughters. Nor does it heal the wounds that she likely inflicted on them that they will likely carry throughout their lives... along with the advanced degrees from prestigious universities.
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Amy Chua - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Amy Chua Is a Wimp - NYTimes.com
Amy Chua's 'Chinese Mom' Controversy: The Response in China - Newsweek
Are you a mom yet? After trying to raise my own kids, it is so hard to be a parent, i have forgiven a lot of the mistakes my parents made on me. I hope you find peace soon!!!
In some ways her approach has worked. I have a brilliant academic record and good work ethic. I am studying medicine (my own decision), my sister is a successful engineer and another sister is a successful pianist. But at the same time, the fear of failure that has been ingrained since childhood has led to such anxiety that I cannot get any sleep before exams. From the quasi social isolation (no birthday parties, no sleepovers), I find it hard to socialise with strangers, lack the self esteem to perform confidently in front of people.
I definitely do not think it is the only recipe for success. There are plenty of successful people who got to where they are without Asian mother bootcamp.
My oldest son was an academic, straight A's, identified gifted, perfect attendance, school president senior year of high school and his report cards were so good I wanted to keep them in my purse to show them off. He's 23 and doing great as a standup comedian with 1 year of college under his belt. I had thought he'd be a doctor with his mind and marks but he had other passions.
My youngest was a straight C student until his last year of high school when he made the honor roll. Teachers were always trying to have him identified ADD or ADHD but I always knew he was just bored so we didn't push him for validation through marks, just asked for effort. His teachers tried to talk us into having him learn a trade. He's in his first year of university and still making honors and he's loving it.
Grades are such an objective thing and not the best way to value a child. Both my boys are funny, have great interpersonal skills, are inquisitive and artistic. Both are very self reliant and kind and both have awesome social consciences. Seeing them as happy, confident self possessed young men delights me but I don't think it would have been possible if I'd judged them based on marks alone.
My opinion is that while her authoritarian parenting style may have worked for her and may work for others, it is not by any means the golden rule.
For someone to say that, " (insert nationality) mothers are superioir because" ... is irresponsible because the "superioir" mother can not be defined.
As far as her list is concerned, I find flaws in it.
It excludes a child from choosing its own extracurricular activities - as much as we love and care a child, each one has its own personality,abilities and likes.
It may be a surprise to Dr. Chua, but they may not coincide with those of the parent(s).
Of course there are psychometric tests that can indicate what field(s) an individual can excell but there is no mention of this.
It may also come as a surprise to her that there are many types of intelligence.
Her "not allowed to do list" keeps a child from coming in contact with certain activities and developing some types of intelligence.
According to Dr. Chua's article from the WSJ link, there are 2 more things that her kids weren't allowed to do:
• play any instrument other than the piano or violin
• not play the piano or violin
huh ??
http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/victoria/dad-banned-for-too-much-homework/story-e6frf7kx-1225990580475
Its about " A FATHER obsessed with his children's education has been banned from parenting decisions because he's too iron-fisted. "
It comes out that Dr.Chua is not advocating the style of parenting described in the WSJ article,
"The Journal basically strung together the most controversial sections of the book. And I had no idea they'd put that kind of a title on it. But the worst thing was, they didn't even hint that the book is about a journey, and that the person at beginning of the book is different from the person at the end -- that I get my comeuppance and retreat from this very strict Chinese parenting model."
http://www.stltoday.com/lifestyles/relationships-and-special-occasions/parenting/aisha-sultan/article_4118ea84-1f22-11e0-8d02-0017a4a78c22.html
In light of this, it was wrong for me to criticize Dr. Chua. I got the wrong impression from the wsj article.
What I continue to wonder about the tiger-mother is this: what would she have done if one of her daughters had been disabled? Would that child have been reminded daily that she/he was inadequate in her mother's eyes? Would Chua have had to completely change her parenting philosophy? What if Amy Chua's parents had been faced with a "lessor" child? What would they have done to support that child to become all she could be? And what about children with disabilities in China today with the one or two child per family limit?
The thing is, parent bossing you around is one thing. The problem gets when other people see that you can be bossed around the same way. Employers or bullies have then a way to take advantage from you, and their impossible demands are your shortcomings, so it's your fault if you don't meet them. I'm much of a perfectionist (towards myself only). Nothing but perfection satisfies me. It's hard to get out of this...
My parents were nowhere near what Amy Chua did to her children however. I've never been called garbage by my parents, much less in front of company ! I had much more liberty ! Mrs Chua seems the prototypical tyrannical mother. Not one you want as your loving and caring mother, your safe house when everything else fails !
My insight after reading the book...
The Tiger Mother Club
I am Chinese, and I am a mother. Now, that makes me a Chinese mother, right? The local chapter of the Tiger Mother Club was looking for more Chinese members, and since I was new in town, and was eager to make new friends, I sent in my application.
And they turned me down! Apparently I was not qualified. I found that baffling since I am a Chinese mother.
Reading Chua's book explained everything. It was all about the piano.
Despite years of lessons, my beloved daughter has no hopes of playing Chopin in Carnegie Hall. She can barely read music notes, and her repertoire is limited to The Carpenters. Oh well, it is a good thing I like Karen and Richard.
www.thegoodchinesemother.wordpress.com
as the survivor of a 'conditional love' mother.
"When Chua's husband suggests that kids don't owe their parents anything, she responds, "This strikes me as a terrible deal for Western parents."
All I can say is 'Argh! What a selfish approach to parenting.'
Those poor kids. It's so sad to think they probably feel worthless unless
they 'win'.
Your comments on the pitfalls of perfectionism are right on.
My own parenting style has been almost the polar opposite. While I do believe giving every child a trophy just for showing up is ridiculous, I did show my kids unconditional love, let them quit music lessons and athletic endeavors when they lost interest, and rewarded them for A's on the report card. I never talked down to them or used baby-talk, even when they were babies.
My children are now highly motivated college students; one at a community college and one at an ivy league school. Both are creative, independent, critical thinkers, open to new ideas, and embracing the joy of life. They're exploring their love of music in different ways, making friends easily, talking to adults easily, have demonstrated leadership qualities, and have helped out their mom whenever mom needed help. When I recently expressed concern over my dismal outlook for a financially secure retirement, my ivy league child said "don't worry mom, I'm your retirement plan!" So, while I don't believe my children owe me anything, I think I'm getting a pretty good deal as a Western parent.